Wednesday, October 10, 2007


Well, I'm still here waiting... and waiting. Patience is definitely not one of my characteristics. I hate waiting. I have so many unresolved feelings. I'm still happy and hopeful. But I'm scared. I keep thinking (and I know this is terrible) that this time has to be the one, it can't turn out badly again. But then I read all the stories of women who have had multiple miscarriages and I know it most definitely can happen again. And nothing is guaranteed. Every time, I feel a funny little cramp a feeling of panic washes over me.

When I feel good, I worry that the lack of symptoms must mean something. I worry this ultrasound is not going to yield the happy results that I want. I'm happy, but I'm tense, like the rug might be yanked out from under me at any moment. Like I won't believe it or be truly relaxed until I see that heart beat on the u/s.

Like I have gotten our families all excited again about nothing. We haven't told any extended family or any friends other than my best friend. We really want that reassurance that all is well. I am even scared to post a baby ticker.

I know deep down that no matter what I say or think this baby is already what it is. But I can't help falling into that trap of thinking that I might 'jinx' something if I post a ticker if I order crib bedding or whatever. I know this isn't how it works but it keeps me from doing anything.

I think I will survive the next 12 days. I know I keep going over and over the same thing. I am driving myself crazy too.


Fertilize Me said...

Hang in there ...I am sorry thisis such an anxious time for you. sending you lots of good thoughts

Honeycutt Family said...

I remember reading once on someone else's blog that "you are pregnant RIGHT NOW" so try and revel in that. I know it is hard and that the "what ifs..." can drive you nuts. Looking forward to hearing how the u/s goes.