Tuesday, May 23, 2006

So far so good...

Well the weight lose plan is in full swing. I feel pretty good about it, I was relatively good over the weekend and did lots of exercise! Yeah! I have not weighed myself. I think I will wait until the end of the week.

I dropped off Clark's 'sample' this morning at the lab. Always, a bloody brilliant way to start the day. What's scary about it, is that I do it without even a second thought now, the first time I was traumatized. I just couldn't believe that I was handing the nurse a jar of my husband's love juice. It's a bit surreal. But the things we get over with practice are awe inspiring to say the least. So now we wait until next week and Dr. Optimistic gets the results.

Then I will know - surgery or no surgery. Part of me really, really freakin' hopes his SA comes back great, no correction, all of me hope that it comes back great. I don't care if I have the surgery, it would be one less obstacle to deal with in this journey.

Stay tuned for the results...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Well, I needed a few days to calm myself before I posted. Yup, another cycle, another bust! I went back to Dr. Optimistic on Monday, she has me slotted in for a diagnostic laparoscopy for June 21. Clark has to submit one more semen analysis prior to this. Dr. says if his results are really bad, she won't bother with the laparoscopy and just send me directly to the RE. But feels the RE will want me investigated as well.

Oh JOY! This month is a freakin' mess!! I turned 30, discovered I have gained 12lbs since I quit smoking in August and volunteered myself for exploratory surgery. Clark found out his contract is not being renewed and is on the search for a job and I am no closer to getting pregnant than I was a year ago. I hate to tempt the Gods, but what the hell else can happen.

Am I depressed, anxious, bitter, resentful, generally bitchy and want to retreat from life. You bet! Will I? NO! I must go on.

I started trying to lose some weight this week, so we'll see how that goes. I refuse to crash diet or starve myself. I am trying the slimfast plan, drinking tons more water and trying to make better choices. Also I want to get off the couch and walk the dog alot more, now the weather is nice here. I have started my gardening as well which always motivates me to get outside.

So bottom line is: my self esteem is in the toilet. I know I can dig deep and go on, I know I can. I have it in me, to get through all of this. I just don't know how yet. But here is the general plan, I have somewhat accepted that me getting pregnant, is not something to likely happen today, tomorrow or next week. I have to stop obsessing over it. I will not stop trying, just moving it a little lower on the goal list. If I can't get pregnant, I might as well lose the weight and become that hot mama I was in high school and college. I would love my husband to think I was hot. Not that he doesn't love me, because I know he does, but I want him to see me across a room again and think, WOW! that's my wife!

Losing the weight can also only help with my baby quest, I will do what they tell me and go for the surgery if that is what is recommended, I will do IUIs, IVF or whatever it takes. Clark says we will have a baby and I really hope he is right. but for know I need to shift my focus, before I go off the deep end with no return ticket.

Oh, to add to my depression, I started spotting on Mother's Day! Yeah! Happy Mother's Day! I only had a minor breakdown. Again, I will dig deep and I will carry on. I may just drink more. So the goal for the this week is to get down 7lbs by Monday. Good luck to me! Stay tuned for updates...

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Soooooo Impatient...

OK, I admit it. I already tested today and yesterday morning, yes they were both BFN or this post would have an entirely different title. I couldn't help myself, I know it is way too early for anything to be conclusive, but I had to POAS, I just had to. I keep hoping I will get an early BFP and I can rejoice!!

I feel really optimistic this cycle. So far, everything has gone according to plan. I am actually contemplating taking the day my period is due off work. I think if I get it, I will need some pity party time. I know, I suck. But for some reason I feel like this month is IT. If we don't get pregnant now, last round of clomid and referral to the RE looming, life will really suck. We will have to endure a million tests, before they tell us we need to move on to more advanced ART. And then what, we do the IUIs spend lots of money and for what? How successful are these procedures, I've read a 15-30% chance of success with an IUI. Not great.

Plus, (I know others out there who have endured so much, but I haven't yet mourned the loss of conceiving on my own), I have romanticised the idea of conceiving on our own, with out spectrums and catheters and doctors present. Don't get me wrong, I will do or go through whatever it takes for me to get pregnant and deliver my own baby, but secretly I was hoping it wasn't going to be that difficult. I mean really!!!

Also secretly I think I am pregnant, maybe I just want to be so badly, that I imagined this feeling. But I feel different this month, not physically different, in fact I have no physical changes or symptoms at all. Just different emotionally. I am very short tempered and impatient right now, it could be the stress I am imposing on myself in hopes of my dreams coming true, but I don't know I just feel as though this must be it. I have counted the days in my cycle five times a day since day 15, (CD24 today), I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't even think about anything else except seeing those 2 lines on an HPT.

I know, I know, I need help. Are other infertiles like this? Does anyone else out there obsess constantly, I even daydream about what my baby's nursery will be like or think about names. I hate myself, when I want something I can't have, why is this so f*&%k&^g elusive for some of us and so goddamn easy for the rest. Yes, I know I sound bitter, I am sorry, but I am bitter.

I really have been praying this month, praying for an answer to my dreams and wishes and aspirations. I have bargained with god, I have begged and pleaded, I don't know what else to say, I have tried to figure out why I am not deserving of this. I have asked for patience and searched for the answer to what I am supposed to learn from the torment I feel each month. Not just when I get my period again, but the waiting, hoping, and trying leading up to that. It just keeps happening the same way each month over and over and over again. ARRRGGHHHH! Until I want to scream (and I have, several times this week).

Sorry this turned into a rant, but it pretty much sums up the frustration I feel this week. Part of me wants it to be over and be a BFP so badly and part of me never wants the hope to end.

I have to mention Jenny from the Infertility Block and wish her all the best, from one small town Ontario Girl to another. I pray for both of us. It sucks about her IVF cycle. I hope she hears our prayers and I feel, as she does, I will come out the other side of this a changed woman and I pray to GOD that it will be for the better. But so far I do not feel I have improved as a person, only that I am a little more broken with each passing month and continue to search for my purpose in life if it is not to be a mother.

I don't like a lot of the jealous feelings I often have lately, I know that it is irrational jealously and that other people's joy and happiness has no effect on my own. It is not as though there is a limited number of babies waiting to be conceived and each time some else gets pregnant it is one less chance for the rest of us. It just feels that way sometimes.

So I wait. Until Monday... Only then will the answer be written in the sand and dear god, please let it be the answer I am hoping for, I have never wanted, wished for or prayed for anything so hard in all my life. Let it be a BFP...

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Waiting, Hoping, Praying...

Well, I am once again in the 2ww, full swing. It's funny, how it keeps starting over & over again. I am pretty optimistic this cycle, which is scary in, and of itself. It seems just to set me up to be more disappointed, when it is yet another failed cycle.

But I said earlier, that I was going to give this my best try yet. And we did, we did. The time around the Big O went very well. We timed everything out perfectly. So if I were the praying kind, I'd be praying. Please, please, please let this work!

I know this cycle will crush me, if it is not successful, talk about having all of your cherries in one basket.

I really feel as though this is the fork in the road, so to speak, if I get pregnant, (I am almost afraid to use those words - I keep saying if this cycle is successful), my journey continues on to parenthood and I will feel at peace with the Universe. If not, my TTC journey continues and I fear I will become very bitter and resentful. And I will have to face the reality that this is really not going to be a fast, easy trip. I think my hope will fade considerably, if I do not get pregnant.

Maybe TTC will no longer be my daily focus or maybe the further it seems out of my reach the more I want it. Whatever my emotions are at the end of this cycle, I feel I am at the turning point. I hope all goes well.

Only 2 DPO and already extremely impatient. I will try to wait until the 11th to test, that's 10 DPO. I want to see what a BFP looks like!!! If wishing could only make it so!