Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Well, I needed a few days to calm myself before I posted. Yup, another cycle, another bust! I went back to Dr. Optimistic on Monday, she has me slotted in for a diagnostic laparoscopy for June 21. Clark has to submit one more semen analysis prior to this. Dr. says if his results are really bad, she won't bother with the laparoscopy and just send me directly to the RE. But feels the RE will want me investigated as well.

Oh JOY! This month is a freakin' mess!! I turned 30, discovered I have gained 12lbs since I quit smoking in August and volunteered myself for exploratory surgery. Clark found out his contract is not being renewed and is on the search for a job and I am no closer to getting pregnant than I was a year ago. I hate to tempt the Gods, but what the hell else can happen.

Am I depressed, anxious, bitter, resentful, generally bitchy and want to retreat from life. You bet! Will I? NO! I must go on.

I started trying to lose some weight this week, so we'll see how that goes. I refuse to crash diet or starve myself. I am trying the slimfast plan, drinking tons more water and trying to make better choices. Also I want to get off the couch and walk the dog alot more, now the weather is nice here. I have started my gardening as well which always motivates me to get outside.

So bottom line is: my self esteem is in the toilet. I know I can dig deep and go on, I know I can. I have it in me, to get through all of this. I just don't know how yet. But here is the general plan, I have somewhat accepted that me getting pregnant, is not something to likely happen today, tomorrow or next week. I have to stop obsessing over it. I will not stop trying, just moving it a little lower on the goal list. If I can't get pregnant, I might as well lose the weight and become that hot mama I was in high school and college. I would love my husband to think I was hot. Not that he doesn't love me, because I know he does, but I want him to see me across a room again and think, WOW! that's my wife!

Losing the weight can also only help with my baby quest, I will do what they tell me and go for the surgery if that is what is recommended, I will do IUIs, IVF or whatever it takes. Clark says we will have a baby and I really hope he is right. but for know I need to shift my focus, before I go off the deep end with no return ticket.

Oh, to add to my depression, I started spotting on Mother's Day! Yeah! Happy Mother's Day! I only had a minor breakdown. Again, I will dig deep and I will carry on. I may just drink more. So the goal for the this week is to get down 7lbs by Monday. Good luck to me! Stay tuned for updates...

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