Monday, January 29, 2007

Moving Forward...

Well, the worst is over. I have had a hard time collecting my thoughts and have not been able to do a post justice, so I have remained quiet for a few days.

But, the choice ended up being made for me. My hormone levels were too high for the medications and the D&C was the only option. Which in the end probably would have been the decision I made anyway, all the others were just too painful. The D&C was on Friday and went fairly well. No complications. The bleeding pretty well stopped by last night. I have been trying to do some reading on what I am supposed to do next. Most information I have found suggests waiting for your first period following the D&C to resume ttc. This could be anywhere from 2-8 weeks.

I have a follow up with Dr. Optimistic in 2 weeks and another quantitative HCG, to see where my levels are now. All that I have read indicates that your period and normal cycle should resume a few weeks after the level is zero.

Not that I feel in a big rush to get right back on the horse. But I am certainly not going to do anything to prevent another pregnancy. I just find that completely incomprehensible. But I also don't have delusions of finding myself pregnant in a month's time, not that isn't possible, it just doesn't seem likely. So I think where I stand now is to wait for my period and then get back at acupuncture and active ttc.

I am not ready to proceed with the iui right now. I need some time, I think. I am doing fairly well, the physical aspects of the loss where much less than what I had anticipated. I am very disappointed and scared I will never achieve a pregnancy again. But I think these are normal feelings, or at least I hope they are.

So now, I just need to figure out how I pick myself up and dust myself off, and continue to move forward. I have learned many lessons through this process, the biggest being patience, and confidence in my own personal strength. The next being, lack of control, it has really made me realize, that I can't micro-manage or out-think this infertility problem, it's out of my hands for the most part. I need to keep these things in mind as I move forward through this pain.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Defeated and Deflated

That's my feeling now. I have needed a few days to collect my thoughts before I posted my sad news. They have diagnosed me as having a blighted ovum. So that it is for this pregnancy. I still have had no bleeding or other signs of miscarriage. But my Dr. says it is a missed miscarriage, the embryo dies but the body keeps producing the right hormones.

The 2nd u/s on Friday confirmed the empty gestational sac and no heartbeat. I questioned the staff as to whether this means I was never really pregnant and they said no, just that at some point over the last few weeks the baby just stops developing usually due to chromosomal abnormality.

They assure me that this has no effect on my chances to conceive again or my ability to carry a pregnancy to term. Which, I guess in theory is good news. But in IF land we know that a) nothing is ever guaranteed and b) the conceiving again, may be the stumbling block.

So now I get to go through the gruesome ordeal of waiting to miscarry on my own, taking drugs to induce the miscarriage to having a d&c. I have to admit I am scared to have a d&c, I have this fear that something will go wrong and I'll really never be able to get pregnant again. The thoughts of the drugs are not all that pretty either, but I just can't see waiting for it to happen on it's own, at least with the drugs I can estimate when it will happen and be somewhat in control and prepared. It could take weeks to happen on its own.

None of the choices are appealing. One thing I now for sure is that I will not return to Dr. Optimistic if there is another pregnancy. I hated her bedside manner and lack of compassion for me throughout this ordeal. I will be finding myself another ob/gyn.

I feel strangely at peace, sort of, I think how you would feel if you were drowning. Struggling, struggling, fighting to keep your head up and then once you realize defeat, the pain stops and you feel at peace. The last few weeks have really and truly been the hardest of my life and I feel like the struggle is over, for now.

I also feel like I am experiencing the death of my hopes and dreams. So much of my future was planned around this baby. I am sad to think it ended this way. I think in my heart of hearts, I really knew after the first u/s, that it was over. I think alot of those around me felt that way too, but nobody wanted to think the worst or the negative.

Clark & both agreed we would get over the physical repercussions of this miscarriage and take it easy on the ttc front for a while. I think I will continue with the acupuncture and we will keep trying, but I am going to hold off on the IUI for a bit. I want to give my body a chance to recover before I start bombarding it with drugs again.

I have really, really had to dig deep inside of myself to try and cope with this with any kind of rationality. I keep looking for what I am supposed to learn from this experience. I have kept it together pretty well, I am devastated, but I can only look to the future. I can't change what has already happened.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Struggling to Function

That's how I feel this week. I can barely get through the day without a panic attack creeping up on me and forcing me to think all the things that I have tried to put out of my mind. I have tried so hard to get through these couple of weeks with a positive attitude and have been trying to force myself to put negative thoughts out of my head. But the closer the next ultrasound gets the more scared and stressed I get.

It's really all I can think about. I keep thinking am I having a baby or not? I am just gripped by the fear. And I can't help but try to prepare myself for the news being the worst. Or what if they won't tell me anything and I have to wait another week to get the results, they wouldn't do that would they? My mantra lately seems to be 'please let everything be ok' I must say that mentally and out loud at least 100 times a day.

I want to be positive and think the best, but deep down I think, how could they have not seen a heartbeat? Everyone, it seems hears the heartbeat at the first ultrasound and a lot of people even earlier than I had mine. That has got to be a bad sign. What other conclusion can I draw from this? I really have a hard time believing it was just too early (although I have spent many hours pondering this and trying to convince myself that is what it must have been). It just doesn't seem right. Physically, I still feel the same, I tell myself. I have had no cramping or spotting, I feel tired and a little queasy still, all normal right? But I know something must be wrong, or why didn't they pick up the heartbeat?

OK, now I am really rambling. I just needed to organize my thoughts. Everyone, around me seems convinced that all will turn out OK (including Clark) and God, I hope they are all right and I am just paranoid. But I just can't see how they can miss the heartbeat.

Right now I am just trying to get through one hour at a time. Praying for everything to be OK with this baby. Weighing the outcomes, I know if it is bad news everyone will say, well at least you know you can get pregnant now, or it wasn't meant to be, or it will happen again. I just hope I am strong enough to deal with it. Or better yet, I hope I don't have to deal with it and by some miracle, everything turns out OK.

These have been the hardest 2 weeks of my life. I know I have a lot of support from my family and friends. Not to mention my boss, my job has been unbearable, I can't focus or concentrate. And I appreciate all of them. I just still feel a little alone. I know if this ends badly they will all be there to help me pick up the pieces. I feel grateful for that.

I also feel grateful for getting to experience these 10 weeks of pregnancy that I have had. I had the best Christmas ever, filled with Joy and Hope for the future and talk of next Christmas with our baby.

It will all be over soon, one way or another. The outcome will be the one I am hoping for, I pray, I pray, I pray...

Friday, January 12, 2007

Halfway there...

Well I am one week in to the wait for my 2nd u/s. One more week to go. I am sooooo impatient, this waiting around is killing me. I feel fine, a little pukey, sore boobs, stomach seems bloated, constipated, everything I expected to feel when I was pregnant. So I keep asking myself, how can anything be wrong? Wouldn't I be experiencing something? A reduction in pregnancy symptoms, cramping, spotting, something? How can something be wrong? I don't feel off? I haven't had so much as a drop of spotting, and believe me I keep looking.

Clark is determined that everything is fine and that the u/s was just crappy and they couldn't see anything that early. I hope he is right, I keep praying and want to believe that, but it is so hard to try and not prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. My Dr. should have the 1st u/s report by now, so I keep thinking if it were something serious surely they would call me?

But I have kept my actions positive. I called and cancelled my appointment that I had Feb 1 for my first consult for my iui. No sense in being pessimistic and thinking I am going to need that appointment, I'll be 12 weeks pregnant by then. I also scheduled dinner with my MIL to celebrate the day of my u/s (Clark has another commitment that night). I found the perfect crib to order for the baby's room. I haven't brought myself to be able to buy maternity clothes yet, but soon.

And on an even more positive note, my IRL BFF just told me last night she's pg. Yeah! She is due 2 weeks after me and I think it is awesome we will be able to share this experience together. So I am taking that as another positive sign that this baby is meant to be. We scheduled a shopping day next Saturday to get some Mat clothes and check out baby stuff. I can't wait. It's so exciting!

So my prayers are long and frequent, but I know this baby is meant to be, so many people are waiting to welcome it. We have waited so long and dreamed so much about being parents, I just have to have faith that everything will work out wonderfully.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Trying to remain calm!

I spoke with Dr. Optimistic's receptionist. She didn't seem to feel there was any cause for alarm that a heart beat could not be found. But then again what do these medical professionals seem alarmed about?

I live in a smallish city, so who knows how experienced the tech is with early u/s. We don;t have an infertility clinic in our city so us Ifers are usually sent to the big city. So I am hoping any one of the variables here could be the cause for the elusive heartbeat. I hope it is not worst case scenario.

I have a follow up u/s scheduled for Jan 19th, exactly 2 weeks from the first one. Dr. Optimistic did not want to see me in the office, she just set up the next u/s with a wait and see I guess. She wanted me to wait 2 weeks, I am guessing so they can see if further development has taken place since the first u/s.

OK, this waiting is going to kill me. My mom says not to worry she just knows everything will work out, she says I am paranoid because I worked so hard to get here and I want it so badly. I guess she is right, if I weren't a part of IF land, i wouldn't have even had an u/s yet. My Dr. usually doesn't schedule the first one until 11-12 weeks. But they wanted to check me for ectopic.

So that's were I am at, playing the waiting game. I guess nothing worthwhile is ever easy, but this is getting a bit ridiculous by my standards. I guess I had the misconception ( no pun intended) that once I actually got pg life would be all rainbows and lollipops. Guess I was wrong! I didn't know it would bring forth even more cause to be concerned and worried. Boy, was I naive.

I still feel kind of pukey and have extremely sore boobies (sorry tmi). Hope those are good signs. I will try to keep myself distracted over the next week and a half and hopefully I will make it through with out having a mental breakdown and my even bigger hope is that there is good news at the end of the tunnel. It might be a long week and a half!

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Scared and Worried

That pretty much describes how I feel today. I woke up earlier than usual. Just too upset and distraught to sleep. When does this infertility nightmare end? When you finally go home with a baby in your arms?

I guess I have been a little cocky, but I like to refer to it as more as optimistic. I am not even sure if I have cause to be worried, which is the most frustrating thing of all. All of RL friends have reassured me that it is still very early and hard to see anything at this point. But I keep reading all the blogs were everyone here in IF blogland that had a successful outcome was able to hear the heartbeat. So do I think that something is wrong or do I just keep believing that it's early, because this was an unmedicated cycle and we were supposed to be on a bit of a break, I didn't do any OPTs or anything this time. So maybe my dates are off by a few days, that is possible. OK, not sure if I am grasping at straws here.

Why on this IF coaster does everything have to be so dramatic and stressful. I had envisioned Clark and I in the ultrasound room, me with my belly bared and him at my side and watching our little bean on the screen and hearing the healthy little thud-thud of it's tiny heart. Is that too much to ask? No I get this hour long drama session, that I might add was a little painful as she kept pushing and pushing on my stomach, which was really full (I had to pee 5 times before I wasn't too full for her to get a decent reading) trying to hear the little bean. But no luck.

Let's just say it wasn't how I dreamed my first u/s would go once I found I was pregnant. It seems such a cruel joke that all of us try so hard to get PG and then have it all ripped away from us in an instant. I know many of you out there have dealt with loss and even being faced with this possibility has me shaking in my boots! I know I will get through and deal, because that's what I have to do. But god I pray that I don't have to.

Clark refuses to be pessimistic, he keeps telling me everything will be fine and to try not to worry. I am sure all of my friends think I am a drama queen at this point. But they really are as supportive as they can be without having first hand knowledge of IF. They all reassured me that if something were seriously wrong the u/s tech would not make me wait a week to see my doc, and that they would get in touch right away.

I can't help but going over all of the negative scenarios in my head, I know this so unhealthy, but I just can't help it. I am afraid to read too much on the internet right now for fear I will read something and think, oh god, that's what it is.

The only good news I can muster out of all of this is that I know now for sure that it is not ectopic. I know there is only one bean in there and I just pray that he/she sticks around. Oh how I pray.

Friday, January 05, 2007


This pregnancy ride is just as bad as the IF coaster. My ultrasound was not at all encouraging. They didn't even let Clark into see anything. She could not find a heart beat and the baby was measuring at only 6w 6d. Which leads me to believe something is wrong!!

They won't tell you anything, just not to be alarmed and that sometimes early on they can't find the heartbeat. For the love of god I need more than that people!!! I had both the abdominal and vaginal u/s. She did show me the blob and that's what it looked like, a blob, she pointed out the gestational sac and yolk sac.

Could it be that it has just stopped developing and has no heartbeat? I am just beside myself with worry. If something were wrong, wouldn't I have had some spotting or something?

My mom just thinks I am being paranoid and that we know too much too early. I don't know I just know I am scared shitless. I want everything to be OK. Why do i keep getting these freakin' ambiguous results, can't they just tell me what is happening one way or another!

So I don't even know where to go from here, the ultrasound tech said that it will be a week before my doctor gets the report. A WEEK! How the hell am I supposed to survive a week? I am scared to death the little bean is not viable and then what? Do I just wait to miscarry? I know this are morbid thoughts, but I don't know what to think.

Do I just carry on like everything is fine, while I am about ready to fall apart. I can't help but be angry. I guess I just keep praying everything will turn out OK.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

The dust is settling...

Well, Inglewood was right. Thanks for you comments, by the way. I know I was on rant about my SIL's insensitivity. I have relaxed about it a bit. But the dust has settled slightly, my SIL seems to be in suck-up mode, so I think she does feel like a dolt and knows she is being a bridezilla.

Part of my guilt was that I didn't even consider how she would feel, I didn't even think about her wedding or that we would be stealing her thunder. I certainly did not anticipate her reaction. I was so quite up in my own ecstatic joy at a positive pregnancy test, that I never even gave her a second thought. But then when I did think about it, you guys are right, this will in no way interfere with her wedding, it will be all over and done with way before I hit my 20th week.

Nonetheless, I think I will get past it and at least forget, even if I can't fully forgive. I know how weddings make women feel, I've had 2 of them myself, although #2 was eloping with only one other couple and we didn't tell anyone else until after. But whatever.

She at least seems to know she is wrong, which is something.

U/s tomorrow, I can't wait. I keep praying. Please let all be well. I'll keep you all posted.

And congrats to Kirsten!! Thrilled for you, we must be pretty close in due dates, I would think. Nice to have another Boston terrier mom as a PG buddy!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Happy New Year!

Well the holidays are over. I have almost made it through an entire month of knowing I am pregnant without going totally insane. I did not make it through without pissing off at least one member of Clark's family.

My SIL. Yup, she did not take the baby news well. She is getting married in the spring and is feeling 'slighted' as my MIL described it. Both Clark and I feel she is being totally selfish, not to mention a few other choice names I have called her over the last week. But I mean come on, really. A tad immature do you think?

She totally knows how long we have been trying and our whole infertility story. So needless to say, I felt an irreparable rip in our relationship, which I must say was quite good by in law standards. But I don't know if I will ever feel as close to her as I once did. I can't help but see her differently as a person now.

Not only does she feel that way, she makes no apologies for it and actually said it to my face. Granted this is the first grandchild, but I am not due until August, way after her wedding is over. I am not in the wedding (they are doing a small destination wedding with only immediate family and a few close friends), so that is not a concern. She just feels the focus will be shifted to us and our baby instead of her wedding. For the love of God! Can people just be normal.

Anyway, I am not letting her rain on my baby parade. She is entitled to feel however she wants and I can just ignore and bask in my own glory. Which is what I fully intend to do. Although I did have a bit of a rant to Clark about it.

3 days until the first u/s. Trying not to hold my breath! I feel good. A little touch of morning sickness and tired, but the holidays and the week I took off really recharged me. Now I just need to shift my focus to work. Easier said, than done!