Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Up and down...

Why does this whole process feel that way. I feel like I am just coming to terms with how long and hard of a journey getting pregnant will be, and then hope rears it's ugly head again. Don't get me wrong, I got great results at the RE yesterday and I couldn't be happier about it. It just seems that I am filled with hope once again, just to get torn down.

But the news - the sono-hsg came back clear. No structural problems at all with the old ute! So this is very good. My RE seriously think I have just been incredibly unlucky. PCOS gives us a higher risk of miscarriage anyway, so I just got the short end, it seems.

We are proceeding with the rpl blood panel. They drew that yesterday and we'll hopefully have results early January. But we have been given the go ahead to proceed with iui #2 on the start of my next cycle.

So I guess we're jumping back on the old roller coaster to see if we can get lucky this time. In the event the blood clotting test comes back positive we'll know before I am pg and can proceed accordingly. My RE doesn't think that's the problem.

So dare I muster a little hope?

Oh and as a last thought, the sono-hsg was horrible I had a weird pukey dizzy reaction that stayed with me throughout the day. Test itself was ok, thankfully its done!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Christmas and Christmas Gifts...

I am done my shopping!!! I am so happy, everything is wrapped and I am pretty much ready to go. No dodging out to the store at the last minute I hope!

My camera seems to be having difficulty. So I am postponing the picture post of the renos. They are sort of at a stand still for the moment anyway. Clark is procrastinating on doing the inside and I can't really say I blame him. He has worked really hard on everything over the last 3 months or so. We still need drywall and some adjustments to the heating ducts out there, but it will get done.

Right now the big stumbling block is finding 2 ceiling fans that I like, that I can afford (or that I want to pay for). I know I am a very savvy shopper and like to get a good deal (read: married to the cheapest man alive) but I refuse to pay $200 for a ceiling fan, especially when we need 2 to match! Since the completed room, used to be a breezeway and has no basement under it, I am worried that the temperature out there will always be compromised. Will it be cold in the winter and hot in the summer compared to the rest of the house? We have an electric fireplace that will go out there for the winter, and I wanted 2 ceiling fans to keep the air flow going in the summer months. There will be heat and a/c out there. But I guess we'll see. We insulated the crap out of it hoping that will help.

Oh and as for the surprise I got Clark. I booked a hotel for 2 nights for new year's eve in the city where we got married (about 3 hours away). He has no idea, and we were just grumbling about what to do for nye this year. Since it has pretty much sucked for the last few. So I thought it would be a perfect time to rekindle our partying ways and just go the 2 of us and have a blast and as I like to say - party like it's 1999! Back in the day when I used to party!!!

I hope he likes it. I prepaid the hotel, so he won't see the cost or have to worry about the credit card bill when we get back, since the majority of our money is joint it's hard to spend a few hundred bucks without him seeing it, but I did it! I think it will be fun. I haven't planned anything else, just that we are leaving on the Sunday and coming home on the 1st. I made him a cute little card to give him xmas morning and then we can plan exactly what to do while we're there. There appears to be lots of options!

I also hope the weather co-operates. Driving 3 hours in the heart of an Ontario winter could be a challenge or it could be 2 degrees C, who knows!! Plus some the nye activity is outside, so it would be nice if the temperature was reasonable.

So Tues is my sono-hsg. Wish me luck. Oh and to the question about the RPL blood panel, I am set up to do that in January. They wanted me to wait 6-8 weeks following a 0 beta. Which I finally got on November 19. I think they will be checking for all the clotting mutations such as V lei.den fac.tor and Once they get some more information we can figure out what the next step is. I assume I will have more direction after I see the RE on Tues.

No word on whether our puppy was successfully conceived yet. I don't really expect to hear anything until after the holidays.

I am soooo looking forward to having some time off at Christmas. Clark is a teacher so he has 2 weeks. I am done the 21st until the 2nd!!! YAY!! I am sleeping and relaxing!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Finding the Christmas spirit...

I popped over to Disenchanted with Reality and read her most recent post. WOW! Can I relate to all the feelings and tensions she has with regard to her hubby. Clark and I have been going through the same thing. He keeps everything bottled up inside, and my hurt and anger and disappointment just seems to come out as impatient and bitchy.

I am still hurting, I am still disappointed and the Holiday season just makes it that much worse, all the festive Santa stuff, just reminds me how I'm not celebrating the holidays with my own kids. None of our siblings have kids either so there is no Santa visit in our houses. Christmas is a low key day, we open presents and don't get me wrong, our families are incredibly generous and we are blessed in so many ways. But I was the last baby born in my and Clark's families, making me the youngest and let's face it Christmas is so much about Children and surprise.

So as another Holiday passes and I am reminded again of what I don't have, I really am trying to embrace what I do have. Clark and I had a great talk the other night, he finally acknowledged and validated my feelings. I have been rather mean to him lately, not intentionally, just unconsciously, I think I was harbouring some resentment toward him, he seems to just move on with no mourning period whatsoever and here I am wallowing. It's hard. I won't deny, I struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, sometimes I am gripped with a sadness that causes me physical pain and almost brings me to my knees. I'm also angry and bitter and resentful. I don't want to be. But I look back at the past year and think wow, 2 pgs and 2 miscarriages in less than a year. My hormones are all over the place and I'm sure that doesn't help. Clark remains positive and hopeful and I can't look to the future yet. I can't contemplate another pg, because with it I contemplate the possibility of another loss. I'm not sure I can lose another baby, I think it would tear down the last shred of sanity I am holding onto. But I know I will move forward for him.

When I look back I think about what a long, awful, unexpected journey this has been. But then I fear that it has only begun. There is so much more to come. The investigations, the tests, the vicious cycle of cycles, the hope and the despair. When I began the process of assisted trying, I feared how I would cope physically, if I was strong enough and stoic enough to get through the needles and the bloodwork and the u/s and the lap and the hundreds of other pokes and prodes. But now I know, it's not the physical that brings us down, it's the emotional hell I have been through. It's a road so dark, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's a tip to hell so real that I hope not another couple ever buys a ticket. As I write this the song playing on the radio is "I will go down with this ship". God I hope that's not true.

Saturday I got my period. I scheduled my sono-hsg for Tuesday (a week from today). It's the last thing I want to do before the Holidays. But my get-er-done attitude makes me just want to get things moving forward. I'm afraid if I don't take this first step. I never will. This is the first in the process to figure out why my babies keep dying. Clark wants me to do it. He so much as told me so. He would like to believe we are on the cusp of figuring out what the problem is. I hope he's right.

I feel a lot of guilt as well like this is all my fault and Clark is just unlucky and along for the ride, because he didn't choose a suitable breeding partner. I know that's silly. But I can't help it.

Whoa, I don't even know where all of that came from, but I guess I need to get it out. Apparently the Holidays are effecting me more than I thought. I promise an uplifting post next time. Complete with reno and dog pics and a complete update on the surprise I got Clark for Christmas, which I hope will allow us some time together and bring us back to happier times in our relationship.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

A little Christmas-y!

Well, I started thinking about how bah-hum-bug my post sounded yesterday, so last night, i had a glass of wine and at least put up a few lights outside and hung a wreath on the front door as well.

I was delinquent about taking pictures of the renos, although, i want to remember what it looked like before, so will have to get on that and promise I will post a couple.

I was glad to hear from those of you who have had sono-hsg and say it's painless. At least that's good.

The puppy news is very exciting for me. I realized how little I talk about my sweet little BT (bos.ton ter.rier) on here. But she really is the centre of our household. We love her like crazy and she is always up to some crazy antics, that make you laugh. We won't know until closer to xmas or after if this breeding 'takes' as the breeder put it. So I'll know for sure in the new year if there will be an available litter. Same breeder we got the sweet girl from, so we aren't too worried about temperament etc. My gut is to go with another girl. I have to start thinking about names and I'm open to suggestions so please feel free to comment. I hate dog sounding names though, I prefer something more humany!

And to please Chas, since I likely won't have pics of the new pup for months, here's our #1. She's 3 1/2 and a total ham!!

PS - I have always avoided posting pics to maintain my anonymity but, everyone needs a few adorable dog pics!!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

I'm still around...

And I've been checking in on all of you. Although I have mostly been lurking. I haven't really had much to say.

I'm working through the crazy mix of feelings I have being going through over the last couple months. I am not really looking forward to Christmas. But I am trying to keep plugging on. I haven't put up any decorations and I'm not really sure that I am going to. I hung a wreath on my door. I have started my shopping though and I'm about half done.

In reno news, our new doors finally got installed! And they look beautiful, I 'm going to post some pictures this week with my wreath up, it looks just like a Christmas card!! The electrical work is done in the new sunroom/den, insulation is in and we just need to drywall. I can't wait until it's done! We still have a ton to do in our house, another bathroom to complete and some decorating to finish, but it's getting there. All of my friends are moving to big new homes. But I just don't want the mortgage, I'm happy with my fixer upper. I get to do everything exactly the way I want and I get to pay for it gradually, plus I have money to spend on other things, like my new car! And trips or of course, fertility treatments!

Although I have to say that I have been extremely fortunate that between our provincial coverage and Clark's benefits, we have only had to pay out of pocket for about $400 over the last 2 1/2 years! I know how much my American girlfriends fork out. Just another reason I proud to be Canadian!! In other baby making news. We have been bad. We have not abided by our RE's orders for protected sex. We have been taking our chances. Not sure that this is 100% smart, but we'll see. I should be getting my period any day now, I haven't had one since the miscarriage and it's day 40, last miscarriage I go it on day 41. So we'll see if I stay on that schedule. Our case manager called today, they want me to notify them of my day 1 and they want to do a sono-hsg. i looked it up (of course) and it's a wanding where they fill your uterus with saline, to check for fibroids, polyps etc. Sounds fun. But then there could be worse. I'll do it (of course). At the same appointment he'll go over any other tests that he wants to do and a game plan. So I guess, as usual, it's a waiting game for aunt flo to rear her ugly head.

In happy news, I finally broke Clark about getting a puppy. Our breeder thinks she'll have a litter ready to go in the Spring, if her recent breeding goes well. So yay!! I think I want another girl. Anyone with two dogs that has any advice on which combo of sexes works best together, 2 girls, one of each? I'm excited about that and it gives me something to look forward too. My mom thinks I'm taking too much on in case I do get pg (what are the odds of that again?) And you know what if I end up with a puppy and pg, I say yipppeee! I'll be off on mat leave with all of them.

Now I'm just kind of concerned I'll end up pg this month since I wasn't asking for it!!! I know, I totally knew what I was getting into, when I chose to take my chances. Things never happen the way we plan, so I choose not to plan!!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Good thoughts for the day (for a change)...

I received this in an email. I loved it. I wanted to share it will all of you wonderful blogger ladies out there who keep coming back to cheer me on, even when I'm sure the game is over. So thank you. I know I sound unhappy and pessimistic, I hope I am going through the process of grieving, whatever it is I need to grieve. I want to hold onto a tiny shred of hope. It's just been a very dark year for me. So thanks again for sharing your stories and for your support. This blog has been nothing but a place of comfort for me these past months.

So here's my good thoughts for today:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. Y ou'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Bless all of you who still come to my pity party!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Nothing too good or exciting...

That's what I have had to say lately. And the reason I haven't posted much lately. Still hanging in there. Life has started to resemble the way things were before we started ttc, just with an added bitchy flare.

We are doing all the things we used to do, I feel as though, at times I'm going through the motions and my heart isn't in it. I hope this lessens as time passes. You know, I just thought, should I bother putting up xmas decorations. I was asking myself why I bothered carving Halloween pumpkins. It seems like the things that people with kids should do. Does that mean I shouldn't bother because I don't have kids. It seems pointless and although there is no one to enjoy it with.

I'm sad alot of the time. I am trying to wrap my head around the possibility of not having kids and I'm living my life as though we won't. I'm not worrying anymore about spending, just in case I go off on mat leave. I'm not worried about having enough room in the house to clear out the spare room for a nursery. I'm not counting the days of my cycle or peeing on ovulation sticks. I'm not secretly looking at maternity clothes. I'm not calling for my blood work or driving an hour into the city for appointments. I'm just doing what I used to so before I knew that having kids won't be a 10 month process. It stings. It hurts. But what can I do? I can't decide life isn't worth living without kids.

I still have a great life, it's just very different then I ever imagined. I have great friends and alot of great family. It's what I keep telling myself and how I get through the day. So far it's working.

I hate hope and I refuse to hope anymore. I accept reality. I have to.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Getting things going...

Well the roof guys showed up this morning! A week late, but they showed. So hopefully the roof fix will be complete later this week.

The 2 weeks has passed since they ordered our new doors, so hopefully, they will be installed this week as well. I want to call and see if they are in but don't want to look like a pest calling on the day they were due. I'll call Wed. if I haven't heard from them by then.

I am feeling better physically today. Last night (sorry tmi) Clark and I tried to reclaim our sex life. It went well. It had been so long! About 2 months, although, I'm embarrassed to admit that. We were too afraid when we thought we may have created a viable pg to do anything. Then the miscarriage happened and obviously things were not going to happen then. But yesterday the bleeding stopped, I had a drink and a wonderful hot bath and then we got at it!

So some sense of normalcy has returned to my life. I went and had a couple glasses of wine with my girlfriends on Saturday. Which I then threw up! But it was worth it. I think it was residual from the mis.opros.tal or just that I haven't drank in months. Normally 2 glasses is nothing and I didn't feel drunk. But whatever.

So I guess we're on a break until at least the new year. We were bad and didn't use any protection last night. How important do you think using something is? I mean really what are the odds, I'll get pg au naturale? I don't want a repeat performance of the last 2 pgs. I thought we could use the rhythm method, although the reverse of that wasn't very successful in getting me pg, so maybe I don;t know my cycles at all? What to do. Part of me feels like saying screw it and just going for it. and the other part of me tells me to play it safe stock up on condoms and do what the dr says, until I find out what the hell my problems are. What do you think?

Friday, November 02, 2007

It's all over...

But the crying, as they say! Got the all clear from the RE today. Final u/s showed not signs of the gestational sac, nice sized ovaries and only a thin lining to be shed. Woo-hoo. Everything is as it should be. Thank god, no d&c.

Weekly blood draws until Hcg reaches zero. So at least that part of it is over.

My house renos are finally moving on. The roofer was supposed to be there today to start the repairs to our 4 year old roof, that was done incorrectly the last time. The new doors for the new 'sun room' (not really sure what to call it yet) should be in this week.

We may be able to complete the bathroom downstairs more quickly than we had thought seeing as how I will be continuously working with no mat leave in sight, at least not for 2008. Yeah looking for that silver lining. Anyway, we have very little furniture right now as we ditched all the shit we had leftover from university living and we are getting some real stuff, hand me downs still, but very upscale hand me downs, hopefully by the end of the year.

I am basically redecorating my entire house with the exception of the master bedroom. I still don;t know what to do with the 3rd bedroom, I had cleared out for the nursery. It still has a dresser and desk in it, but is basically empty, maybe I'll put a twin bed in there, or perhaps I'll turn it into a craft room. Clark would like it if I gave him a den back, we'll see. I have to do something with it, looking at it all empty just depresses me more.

As for the sunroom, it was an poorly enclosed breezeway between the house and garage and we spruced it up with garden doors to the yard and new exterior doors and side lights into the driveway, we are going to make it a sunroom or sitting room with a tv and storage for coats and shoes etc. A place to have coffee or a drink and see into the yard. It has taken a while but as I said things are moving forward with it. maybe I'll post some pics as it reaches completion.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

100th Post

I wish my 100th post was not happening at my most defeated.

I had hoped when I started this blog that by now, my dreams would be coming true. I'm tired of the fight right now. My body and soul have been through so much these past few weeks. I don't know how much fight I have left in me now. I am still cramping and bleeding and my body constantly reminds me of what I have lost.

I sat and watched the trick or treaters at the door last night, with a few glasses of wine for solace. I'm afraid I'll never get experience the joys of childhood with my own kids.

I'm deathly afraid of what these latest developments mean. Will I never be able to carry a baby to term? Can they fix this? I have so many questions and so few answers. This latest miscarriage just presents more questions. I hate the idea of waiting around for months while they figure out what they can do if anything. Of course, I will do it, because I can't bear the thought of going through this again.

I think now that the physical aspects of the end of this pregnancy are waning. The emotional ones are creeping in. I hope this deep profound sadness I have found myself enveloped in, will soon lessen.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Flat on my back...

That's where I have been since Friday, they gave me mis.pros.tol to induce the miscarriage. It was incredibly painful the first night. It was not a fun weekend. Had a f/u u/s on Monday to see if the gestational sac had passed. It had not. Another round of the drug for another 48 hours. Currently doing that and lots of tyle.nol 3.

I am very tired and have extreme cramps and finally alot of bleeding. Another u/s on Friday to make sure all is clear. Followed by weekly blood draws to monitor dropping of hcg.

The RE told me not to speculate too much about the future. They need testing to confirm the problem and then we'll take it one step at time from there. I need to wait 6-8 weeks following a zero beta to start testing.

It looks like it will be a long winter, and likely well into the new year before we can get any firm answers or start another cycle. Thanks again for so many encouraging comments. It has helped more than you will ever know.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Information Required...

I wish I knew more about what was happening with my body. I know I'll get some answers eventually. But right now I need to know.

How is this miscarriage going to play out. Nothing, and I mean nothing is happening not even so much as spotting. So I have the call the RE clinic tomorrow, then they say they will give me drugs to cause the miscarriage.

What is this whole clotting issue. I tried to do a bit of research about MTHR etc. but does any one have any first hand knowledge about this. Can they fix this. What does this mean for me long term?

I am just so full of questions right now and seem to have very little answers. I hope I get an appointment with the RE to discuss everything. I'm all over the place. Back to work today. But I just want to move onto the next step.

Monday, October 22, 2007

The road to acceptance...

I just read all of your wonderful comments! You all have touched my heart during horrible time. So thank you, thank you so much.

I'll be ok, I just need a while to lick my wounds.


I couldn't think of a more appropriate title for this post. So sorry to any of you that are offended by that kind of language.

So yes, bad news. No heartbeat. Gestational and yolk sac measuring only six weeks. Fuck. Same as last time. Only now this suggests a reoccurring problem, not just a fluke.

I am dealing. I am going for lunch and to day drink. I think I'm taking a few days off work.

They will wait for my period or induce it. Then testing for clotting issues is the next step. Yay! I get to enter recurrent pg loss testing. Great.


It's over. The hope, it's over, only to be replaced by bitterness. I am angry, Clark asked me who at and I'm not sure yet.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Thank God It's Friday!

3 more days! Can't wait. I'll be posting happy results on Monday I just know it, but don't stop keeping us in your prayers.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Still here...

All I have to say or think about today is man am I tired! I didn't sleep well at all last night. Couldn't get comfortable. Boobs hurt, Clark was snoring, the dog was hogging the bed. I finally went into the other bedroom at 2am, watched tv for an hour or so and then fell asleep for a few hours. But I'm beat.

I know there is only much more of this to come, so I'd better get used to it and I'm not complaining! I'll take every pg affliction going to get to the end of the road with this one. I'm very cautious about lifting stuff. I feel pretty lazy, I just sit back and watch everyone do the work. How concerned should I be about lifting stuff?

Oh well, almost another day down and tomorrow TGIF!!! Then I just have to get through the weekend. And Monday will be here!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Time is actually flying by!

I have been really busy, so time is ticking away. We are seriously starting our renos on Friday night. Clark is demolishing and then we are getting new doors on Monday and the roof fixed next week. So we have lot of other things to think about and do to keep us busy.

I bought my first maternity shirt. Couldn't help myself the price was right and it was cute! I also bought some belly cream! Not that I need it just yet, but I was in the drug store (picking up my pro.metrium refill) and they had 3 bottles of belly lotion (3 different types, oil, lotion and cream - all palmers) for 20 bucks! Plus you got a free baby name book. So how could I resist that. I figure that's enough belly cream to get me through until June and I could always use a name book - it the Mot.her of A.ll Bab.y Boo.ks, I skimmed it last night and it looks decent.

Anyway. I hanging in and doing ok for now. I just hope I will be able to share happy, wonderful news with you all on Monday. I actually can't believe it's only 5 days away now. When I started this countdown it seemed like forever. I'm actually excited to see my little bun!! I was also really excited to see my ticker hit 7 weeks today!!! Yeah!

I feel like the stressful time is about to get better, once I get through the hurdle of the u/s, then the next big milestone is hitting 13 weeks and the second tri. I think I get a second u/s at 12 weeks which will be reassuring. I don't even have a dr as yet. The RE needs to refer me to an OB in the big city since I don't want to mess around with the rinky-dink drs in this town. Which will happen on Monday, the RE clinic releases me then if all looks good! I will be more than pleased to graduate and start acting like a normal pg person! I think my xmas I might be a believer!

I have been scoping out baby paraphernalia in stores and maternity clothes and I can't believe how much of a fraud I feel like. I keep looking at all the people around me thinking they know, they know. And then I think they know what? I AM PG! So why do I feel like a fraud, is it that I don't really believe it yet? I don't know, but I can't wait until I can strut my belly right into bab.ies r. u.s and feel proud!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

6 days to go...

Until that blessed u/s. Well I have made it this far, sanity mostly intact. I feel no different. Still a little tired but the energy level has improved this week. Still a bit of food aversion but no major m/s. Still a little early for that maybe?

Well I'm still counting down the days and praying. God, I hope everything is OK. I want to see my little bun with the little heart beating away. I think if I can make it until the weekend, I'll be ok.

Working on staying as distracted as possible, the weekend was a nice and welcome distraction. Work is a tad boring right now which isn't that helpful. Oh well, one day at a time.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Embracing Hope...

Well as you may have noticed. I took the plunge and posted a ticker. Mostly because I was sick of trying to figure out exactly how many weeks and days I am. Also because I really want to embrace this pregnancy.

We're headed out of town for the weekend to friends. It should be a nice distraction and when I get back to work on Monday, only one week to go!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Reminders from Blogland...

I always appreciate the comments from everyone and I'm sure a lot of you must be sick of my constant obsessing and impatience over this whole thing. Although I know many of you relate to many of the feelings I have. But I really want to thank you for reminding me that I am pregnant right now. And I am enjoying it and I thank you for reminding me to be thankful for what I have right at this moment. I just know how it feels when it all comes crashing down and I keep hoping, hoping and praying that all will end well.

What I really want to be doing is shouting it from the roof tops! I'm gonna be a mom! We're gonna have a baby! Isn't it wonderful, isn't it a miracle. I want to tell every single person I meet, I want to talk about it 24-7, what we're going to name the baby. Where the baby will sleep, what the nursery will look like, will I breast feed, is it a boy or girl, is it more than one? Will I come back to work full time, how long will I work for, until 2 weeks before, 3 weeks? So many plans to make and so many people to share our joy with. That's what I want to be doing.

But for now I feel like it is my little secret from the world. I walk around with this silly smile on my face knowing my little secret and just waiting for the moment I can share it. I hope this moment is soon. I want to buy everything, I want to know what I'm having. I am so freaking happy I can barely contain myself and there is no denying this no matter how reserved I try to be about it. There is just this nagging little doubt in the back of my mind that says, don't get too excited, don't get too attached, don't put all your eggs in this basket, just in case. Just in case the worst happens again. But it doesn't matter I already love this baby more than anything. I am already attached and already committed. How can I not be? I am so thankful for these last couple weeks, I feel like all of my dreams are within reach, the finish line is in sight I just need to keep going a few more miles.

So please keep praying for continued success for the little bun and I'll keep trying to be optimistic and positive. And I can never express how thankful I am to all of you for your continued support, I feel like this blog is the only thing keeping me together right now.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


Well, I'm still here waiting... and waiting. Patience is definitely not one of my characteristics. I hate waiting. I have so many unresolved feelings. I'm still happy and hopeful. But I'm scared. I keep thinking (and I know this is terrible) that this time has to be the one, it can't turn out badly again. But then I read all the stories of women who have had multiple miscarriages and I know it most definitely can happen again. And nothing is guaranteed. Every time, I feel a funny little cramp a feeling of panic washes over me.

When I feel good, I worry that the lack of symptoms must mean something. I worry this ultrasound is not going to yield the happy results that I want. I'm happy, but I'm tense, like the rug might be yanked out from under me at any moment. Like I won't believe it or be truly relaxed until I see that heart beat on the u/s.

Like I have gotten our families all excited again about nothing. We haven't told any extended family or any friends other than my best friend. We really want that reassurance that all is well. I am even scared to post a baby ticker.

I know deep down that no matter what I say or think this baby is already what it is. But I can't help falling into that trap of thinking that I might 'jinx' something if I post a ticker if I order crib bedding or whatever. I know this isn't how it works but it keeps me from doing anything.

I think I will survive the next 12 days. I know I keep going over and over the same thing. I am driving myself crazy too.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving Canada!

Well there is nothing like a nice long weekend to knock a few days off the wait. Less than 2 weeks now to the u/s.

I'm happy. Happy we will soon see some documented proof our little bun exists. I don't feel anything in particular. A little nauseous here and there. It's really more food aversion I think. I am really, really tired. We had an incredibly busy weekend and it was all I could do to keep up. My energy level is so low, I am asleep by 9pm most nights. My house looks like a bomb went off in it. But I keep hoping this will pass. 6 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I still feel as though it's not real.

It's a wonderful happy dream.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

I feel the love...

Thanks again for all of the kind comments. I feel I am gaining more confidence with each passing day. It's as though each day is a rung in the ladder to success.

I also keep reminding myself that many of us have suffered the pain of miscarriage and have gone on to have healthy babies. So I just keep praying I am in that boat this time!

Not sure I like all the twinny comments! Everyone seems to be thinking the same thing. I will say my beta with my last pg was over 2200 at 19dpo. So I'm not sure what any of this means. Everyone that has twins didn't even have as high a beta as I did, this worries me slightly. Us darn infertiles, you just can't make us happy, beta too high, beta too low, are we never satisfied?!

I guess we will know soon enough how many little buns are cooking in there! Right now I am just trying to be grateful for all that is and all that I have.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Tryingto wrap my head around it all...

Thanks so much for all the encouragement!! I really wish there was some other test or score or number or something before Oct 22. I can I be expected to go 3 weeks with no information? Do they have any idea who the hell they are dealing with here?

So I have thought a lot about things, ok truthfully, I have thought about nothing else for 3 days. I think 1800 is a very high beta, I couldn't help myself, Dr. Google is always in my face. So I checked and it seems fairly high for 18dpiui. Is that a bad sign? Now before you jump all over me, I am not looking for things to worry about. Because deep down I know that no matter the number, the u/s or what the Drs (Google or otherwise) say, nothing means nothing until I hold a baby in my arms (or at least until I see a heartbeat on a u/s)! So I am just paddling along waiting for the next confirmation that everything seems ok.

My optimism will raise with each milestone passed. Once I hit the second tri, I know I will feel better. But I have done so much dreaming this week. The crib, the bedding, the room, the stroller I want, the names, the possibility of twins (eek!), my time off work. It all seems so surreal and like certainly at any moment I will wake up and this will all be a dream.

Could this really be happening to me? I was driving to work yesterday morning thinking about all that I have and it was the happiest I have been in a really long time. I feel like I couldn't ask for more. Is this real, have I really been this blessed, are my dreams of being a mom, right there within my reach. Could it really be? Could it be?

Why does this all seem so hard to believe? Damn infertility! How I long to just see that little thump, thump of a tiny beating heart on that u/s. Will I go insane before then, will I believe it's real before then? Will it all turn out the way it does in my dreams? God, I hope so.

I keep trying to let it all sink in, I'm so very tired, all I want to do is sleep. I am so unfocused I can't think about anything else except this tiny life that is about to change mine in so many ways. I'm scared, but I'm happy and I'm hopeful.

I know this has been a ramble, so bless those of you that are still reading it, but I needed to dump all of these feelings. I just hate how I can go from content and dreamy about it one minute to worried, pessimistic and doubtful about it in the next moment. I'm so all over the place, it's crazy.

I keep telling myself the only way to achieve the outcome I want is to keep telling the universe what I want ans acting as though that's what is going to happen. I try to keep focused on those positive dreams, we had already begun preparations to clean out our back bedroom before I even went for the iui, Clark has started referring to it as the baby's room now, and it gives me a start every time I hear it! I have pretty much already decided on a lot of things, we had some furniture in there we are going to use as the baby's, so the first main things we'll need is a crib and bedding, so we can decorate around those things. Once I have the u/s I am going full swing into baby mode, I think that's the only way I can overcome my disbelief! The other lingering thought in the back of my mind, of course, is the possibility of multiples, of course, I am happy to take whatever babies come in whatever quantities, one would be ideal, two I can deal with and I don't even want to think beyond that point.

Ok, enough rambling for today. Please keep praying all is well with our little one!!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Ok, here we go again...

Well, I went for my beta yesterday. Got the results around 2:30. The number was 1800. The nurse thinks this is on track. So now we wait. And we all know how good I am at that.

Trying to remain positive and not think too much about what has happened in the past. U/S scheduled for Oct 22. At 8 Weeks.

No further betas. Just wait for the u/s. Please keep us in your prayers.

(btw... I know how I sound and I am VERY excited. I just want to see that u/s so bad!!)

Thursday, September 27, 2007


Ok, I am actually apprehensive about posting this at all today. But this is my documentation of all things infertility, so it would seem a rip off to all the people who actually read this (thanks to all of you for continuing to tune in) and myself if I didn't present all the facts.

So with that preface in place. Today is the day that the Nurse said we could 'cheat' and do a hpt. So as indicated in my past post, I am very impatient. So I did it. Ok, in the face of honesty, I actually did one with Clark last night after work, but was concerned it may be too early so didn't want to put too much stock in the results. So we did another before work this morning. And I am most cautiously, very quietly whispering the results to you. (They were both positive).

My beta is on Sunday. That's all I really want to say about things for now. We are very cautiously optimistic. We have been down this road before and are glaringly aware of the pitfalls. One day at a time. And please keep us in your prayers. I may be on holiday from blogland for awhile, just while this settles in. So please bear with me in the coming days. I'll probably post the beta results on Sunday, good, bad or ugly!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007


Ok, I am really only compelled to post again today to document symptoms. I am really starting to drive myself a bit batty. I already know I am testing before the weekend. How can I not?

I have fairly strong crampy feelings right at my pelvic bone, almost a pain in my pelvic bone, I do recall having this when I was pg last time. I kept thinking I was getting my period even after a + test. And that's sort of how I feel now. Of course, it could be my period trying to come through in spite of the suppositories, who knows? I just know I feel pain there. I really really hope that is good.

Not much good news for my fellow cycle sistas and their iui outcomes. Dianne@flutterof hope and Fertilize me are both dealing with a bfns following their iuis. So jump over and offer some support. Not much to encourage a girl still waiting. I know only too easily I may be joining them at the end of the week. So I am trying to tell myself that I will not fall apart, I know I will do another cycle in November, I know if that one doesn't work we'll move onto IVF, I know I am only 31, I know my hubby is amazing and wants this as much as I do and will continue down this path with me. I am soooo lucky that all of the drugs are covered and our provincial health care covers labs and u/s and dr appts and that all I have to pay for are the actual procedures. I know we will find a way to come up with the money for the procedures, even if it means going into debt. I know my life is good.

Then there is always the slim hope that it works out this time, and then I move on to the next stage of worry. Getting to 13 weeks, hell getting to 12 weeks, seeing as I didn't make it that far last time. At this point I just need to know. One way or another, yes or no, positive or negative. I think I have been fairly patient up until this point, but the home stretch is killing me. If I can just hang on a few more days.

Thanks for all the encouragement and support and prayers. This 2ww thing could drive a girl crazy!!

Monday, September 24, 2007


Well I have managed to get a week under my belt with out too much anxiety. I know the nurse told me I can poas on Thurs (15dpiui), but I don't know if I really want too. I still have the dream alive until I know for sure that I'm not. I know that is a really negative attitude, but well i don't have to explain it really do I?

In symptom watch, I am a little crampy, although I would call it more twingy or a pulling sensation very low, just above the hoo-ha. I am still doing the blessed va-jay-jay pills, so it could be the side effects from them. I am also damn tired, like couldn't get my butt of the couch for anything yesterday. And still bouts of nausea, not sure if that is still due to the met. But whatever, none of it means squat until I see 2 lines or a + beta. So why do I continue to speculate. Less than a week now.

Other than that life is busy and good. Still working on my house. Working hard at work. The usual. Keep your fingers crossed.

Monday, September 17, 2007


Good lord, is that it - 5 days! I feel like I have been waiting around forever.

One if the things I have made a big commitment to this cycle is the no drinking. Now, Before I continue, don't get me wrong, I not an alcoholic or anything, I don't require meetings, nor do I drink during the week usually. However, I really, really enjoy a couple glasses of wine or a martini or 2. And occasionally, I over indulge slightly. I have not even had a sniff of anything alcoholic since I last had my period. I vowed to myself that I would not drink ANYTHING for this entire cycle (and of course that will continue if by the grace of God I get a bfp!) I do have to say nothing warrants a drink like the 2ww, however I am holding true to my commitment. My downfall seems to be the caffeine, I'm drinking 2 caffeinated drinks a day right now and I worry that it may be too much?

In symptom watch, I have been feeling very bloated and crampy and EXTREMELY tired for the past few days, not to mention the sore bbs. Not that any symptoms really mean anything, because the nurse already warned me the prog suppositories mimic early pregnancy symptoms. Why do they do that to us, the infertile, just to give us something else to obsess over!?

The meds are continuing I feel like all I do is pop something in my mouth or up my hoo-ha! I am pretty used to doing the suppositories, I can't imagine doing this for 3 months though! But I will if it's a means to an end! Still doing the met. Side effects are minimal.

More or less needing a distraction these days. I have a busy week, so hopefully things will keep me preoccupied.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Over and Onward...

Well the actula IUI went smoothly. I t was pretty much what I expected. It was really fast so there was very little discomfort. I have had paps that were more painful.

The only downer of the day was that Clark's sample was a little bit lower count then we would have liked. I don't know what the total volume was, but after the wash it was 5.9 million. Which they assure me is still a decent number and totally worthwhile going through the procedure with. But apparently they really like to see it over 7 million after the wash. The upside is their motility was really good, as was morphology. So I'm not sure how good or bad any of that information is, as the dr reminded us, it really only does take one.

Yesterday, I felt terrible though. I think it was the combination of the ovi*drel and the cramping from the iui. Not too mention getting up so early. Feeling much more like myself, although, I am working from home today.

Well, now it's a waiting game. I go for my beta on the 30th (luteal day 18). The nurse told me if I cheat and do a HPT before the blood beta, not to do it before luteal day 15, which I guess is the same as 15 dpo. So that would be the 27th. I don't know if I will or not. Knowing me I probably will. Working on my patience for the next 2 weeks.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Crossroads...

That's what I feel I am upon. I got the call from my RE yesterday, Everything looks good to go ahead for Wednesday. I triggered last night at 10pm.

The trigger shot kind of scared me, but I did mind over matter mode, and got through it. Not feeling too bad yet this morning, so hopefully I will continue on this path.

All of my stuff is emotional. I have some anxiety surrounding all of this. I really am trying not to put all of my eggs, pardon the pun, into this basket. I really hope that this is the magic answer. But if I look deep into my heart of hearts, I know this may not work. Why do I feel filled with so much hope then? The next 18 days are going to be pure torture. I'll ask for sure tomorrow, but I think my beta will likely be October 1st. Seems like a life time away. How the hell do people stay sane through this. I know I have waited out worse. The 2 weeks between u/s when I miscarried was the truest form of hell I can ever imagine. But I know it will be weighing heavily on my mind.

In up beat news, my RL BF is getting induced tomorrow. How ironic that this day will be significant for both of us. She thinks it is a good vibe for both of us. She has been my friend for nearly 20 years and she has really been a rock for me through all of this. Early on in my fertility struggle, I think she didn't fully understand, but now that she is on the brink of welcoming her second child, she sees how important it is to me and knows why. We have been through a lot of ups and downs together and we always seem to be there at the most important times. Praying for an easy time for her tomorrow.

Also in upbeat ironic news, my breeder emailed me today and told me she has a 9 week old boston terrier that needs a home. A girl that is truly a cute as a button. What is this? The universe trying to distract me? Something to give me hope? I want her, but I have a feeling Clark will never agree. I'll mention it to him, we see.

Monday, September 10, 2007

2 more visits to the RE Clinic...

Well, I've been Saturday and today. Things are looking pretty good. Estradiol was 501 and LH was 2 on Saturday. Three follies, not sure on the exactmeasurements, but they were all between 1.3 and 1.7cm I believe.

Waiting on my bw results from today but had the follie scan, they have all gotten bigger, again, haven't got exact measurements on all of them, but the largest, was just over 2cm. So once they have my blood levels, they'll call this afternoon with the next step.

Hopefully the next step is trigge tonight and have the iui on Wednesday. We'll see. A little stressed about it all, but nothing I can't handle. I am definately preoccupied and am getting nothing done here at work.

Keeping everything crossed.

Thursday, September 06, 2007


I was feeling a little mopey after Nurse M called yesterday, but I have to remain positive, it's only our first try and we had all agreed that this would be a trial and error cycle until we see how I respond to the meds. Plus it's not over until it's over, I kind of feel like I won't really know anything until the scan on Saturday.

Then we'll see if I have any follies and how big they are, maybe the increased meds will do the trick! God, it's no wonder I can't get pg au naturale, it really is taking a village! I firmly believe that I have to have something happening in these tired old ovaries of mine. I had a scan on cd 9 last month and had 3 follies on one ovary and I think 1 or 2 on the other and that was only on the M*et. We didn't measure them, because it seemed pointless then, but I would be very surprised if nothing is going on in there now.

Well, I guess we'll see soon. Clark is going in to the city for me after work today, he commutes half way between our hometown and the big city anyway for work, so it seemed to make sense that he goes and picks up my additional pure.gon cartridge since I am going to be needing more now that the dose is increased. The rinky-dink pharmacies here don't stock it and can't get it in for a few days, and I'll be out by tomorrow. It actually ended up kind of nice that the scan will be on a Saturday, so Clark can go with me. Although it means getting up at 5am on a Saturday to be there for 7am for bw.

I was thinking yesterday as I was driving (was that only yesterday, it's hard for me to believe that it is only cd9, this has been the longest cycle of my life!) to the city, - will I ever tell my child the story of their conception? Will they know how much they were wanted and how much Clark and I prayed for their arrival, is it something you share with your child? Will I tell my daughter when she is contemplating children of her own how much I was willing to go through to hold my own child in my arms? Will I tell my son, when I see my grandchild for the first time, how many tears I cried in hopes of that moment? Will any of these dreams be realized and will any of these questions ever need answers? I hope so. I really hope this is all worth it in the end. I know when I look into my child's eyes for the first time, it will have all been worth it and more. I know it.

I also really feel this journey, in the end will make me a better parent and will never have me taking my kids for granted. I will treasure every mommy moment even the tired ones, and the hard ones and the scary ones. For this child I really do pray. God help me.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Stumbling Blocks

Nothing comes easy does it. Estrogen (I guess this is the estriadol number, although nurse m called it estrogen) is only 206, they like to see it between 250-500 on day 8. No scans for me until Saturday. Upping my pure.gon to 75iu. Great!

We'll see how this one plays out. Sometimes I think I set myself up for a self fulfilling prophecy.

Crap! What else can I say.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007


Wow, I didn't realize how long I have been away from posting. I have been checking in on all my blogobuddies. Glad to see everyone is still hanging in there.

Well the general nastiness of the M*et has subsided. I feel much better these days. Spacing my meds correctly seems to help. Today is cd7, I'm full swing into the injections (5th one tonight), which really aren't all that bad. Once I got through a couple, they go pretty easy now. I am still filled with a bit of fear, I go for blood tomorrow and then start my follie scans either Thurs or Fri. I'm nervous I won't respond the way they want me to and I'll end up with a cancelled cycle or no follies or something equally as disappointing. Why do I always have to think so far in advance. I wish I could just take one day at a time and try not to look too far into the future. But, alas, that's just not who I am.

I had a bit of a hormonal breakdown on Saturday morning after my first shot Friday night, mostly crying and extremely emotional, but I seem to have fought past it and have been ok for the last few days. I will drive into the city alone for my bw tomorrow (Clark has to work) so I hope that doesn't give me too much time to think and fret about what is to come.

So far the whole iui process has not been as hideous as I had thought. It's gone pretty smoothly up until this point, though now my nerves are playing a role, since I will start to get some test results this week and see how I am responding to the meds. I will be very interested to see how many follies I have and how big they are by week's end. They have yet to give me any indication as to when I will actually have the iui. I think possible Monday since the last pure.gon shot is Friday, assuming all goes as planned. Again, thinking too far ahead, I guess.

I have been telling all the people in RL who know the process I am on, that I know there is not a great chance that this will work and we may have to do a few iuis or move onto IVF and I know and accept that, however, if I am really honest with myself, although I know all that I say aloud is reality and I really only have a 20% or less chance that this cycle will work, I know I will be devastated if it results in a BFN. I have to embrace my true feelings and that is that I want this baby soooo bad, I am willing my body to finally act the way it is supposed to. I am actually still a little angry at it. Well, no sense in kidding myself into believing I will be OK if this cycle is a bust, I know it will hit me hard. And that means waiting until November to try again. Why do I get so far ahead of myself.

Anyway, I am trying to focus on one day at a time, one m*et pill, one vitamin, one shot at a time. I'll post any results I get later this week.

Addition: I forgot to add that I gave up on the acupuncture, didn't do it in August either, anyone have any opinions on whether I should continue with it? It was getting too expensive, now with the frequent trips to the city and iui costs etc., but if it would help, I'd do it still. Any thoughts?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The nastiness of the meds...

Well I am plugging along, trying to keep busy. We are doing some renovations to our house so organizing contractors and all that is keeping me really busy, which is what I need right now.

I upped my M*et to the full dose today. 1700mg. I have been trying to build up to it. God, it's nasty, I puked out my car window this morning. I would like to fantasize that this could be morning sickness, but it's cd 17. A tad early for that. I know it's the meds. Yuck! I hope I soon get used to it.

Waiting for my period to start my first cycle. Patiently. Waiting.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Happy and Hopeful...

Surprisingly, that's how I am feeling after my RE appt. I LOVE my clinic, they are all so nice and reassuring and helpful and informative. So different from what I am used to from Dr. Optimistic here in my hometown! They told me basically the medical community in my hometown is sub-par. They thought it was insane that I did 7 months of cl0mid (albeit, not consecutive), they also thought it was ludicrous that I waited 2 weeks for a 2nd u/s after the first one showed no heartbeat, they mentioned that my gyn should not have been supportive of me going off the M*et. So that being said Clark told our nurse case manager in no uncertain terms that we wanted a referral to an OB in the big City if we do end up pg, they didn't feel that was a problem.

Ok, so let me tell you about how the appt was. We got to the clinic and they took us right in, we met our nurse case manager, I think we'll call her Nurse M, she is a cute and bubbly girl, about my age, maybe a little younger. We both really liked her. She answered all of our questions and I warned her that I ask a lot of questions and want to know the ins and outs of everything. She said that was great and she welcomed me to do my own research (like I need encouragement there, Dr. Google and I are very well acquainted!!) and ask her any questions that I come up with. I told her I may drive her crazy, but she seemed to think that was pretty normal! She talked us through what our first cycle would look like. Blood on day 2, pure*g0n for 8 days, Ovidr#el shot and of course the lovely suppositories and M*et through it all. Not too bad. I think I'll be fine with the shots once I get a couple under my belt (no pun intended!)

After our meeting with Nurse M we met with one of the other Drs in the clinic that we hadn't met yet. There are 4 in total. I think I liked her a little better than the last one, maybe because she is female or maybe because she has a no b.s. approach, Clark called her a ball-buster. But she was nice when she did my wanding, it surprises me how fast you get used to the wandings, they really don't bother me anymore. She had an interesting opinion, she didn't see any real red flags as to why we aren't getting pg, lining looked good, had three follies on my own this month! And she said the rest of my 'equipment' seems in order. She didn't think the blocked tubes are an issue, she said results of one HSG are not conclusive and the fact that I did in fact get pg once on my own supersedes any other diagnosis. So YIPPPEEE! We have been moved to unexplained! They are still treating me as a PCOS patient, so there's that, but it seems small in comparison, I don't know why being unexplained makes me feel better but it does.

So now I wait until my period arrives and as long as my day 2 blood work is good, onward to cycle #1 we go! I am just so glad to be doing something that feels productive!!! Nurse M is my go-to person at the clinic and she gave me her direct number and I can call her anytime, I like that.

I know the chances of the first IUI cycle working are slim, but I feel hopeful anyway. I am trying to be healthier too, I am giving up alcohol and reducing my caffeine, I might as well start acting pg. So please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Kirsten, thanks for you comments, I was really having a pity party the last month or so. I know that when I hold my baby in my arms for the first time, I won't care how they got here, just that they are here. Hopefully soon, the sting of infertility will be a distant sad memory, although I know it will always be there. If anything through all of this, I think I will appreciate being a mom more now, since I have had to work so hard for it. Now if I can just keep this positive momentum going through the next few months, things will be great!!!

Monday, August 06, 2007

Where I have been...

Here and there, out of the blogosphere. Trying hard to come to grips with my feelings. I'm feeling scared. Nervous. Anxious. Hopeful. Pessimistic. Scared (did I mention that already). Alone. Disappointed. Worried. I have so many feelings and thoughts and anxieties running through me right now, I am not sure if I am coming or going.

One more day and then I am off to my RE consult. I got my package in the mail about 2 weeks ago. It outlined my protocol for my iui. No time frame though. Will they start on my next cycle? It's cd 7 for me right now, so that means cd 9 when i see the RE. Will I be able to start on my next cycle? I guess I will find out. I am doing pure*g0n, prometr*-um and a shot of ovi*drel to make it all happen. It seems surreal, I know I have been blogging for over a year and dealing with all this infertility crap for longer, but it never really sunk in until, I realized the day after tomorrow I am going to get in my car drive an hour to another city and sit down with my RE, whom I have already seen twice to discuss, how he is going to try and get me pg. Then I am going to have someone teach me how to inject myself so that I can get pg. And on top of all that I am going to pay them money to do it. Not how I envisioned the conception of my first child. I was sort of thinking, ummm, a drunken party and great sex with my hubby! No, not happening.

So that's where I am going. I have been a bad blogger friend. I have not been here. Because I have been selfish, I have retreated to a place where I can deal. Deal with the emotions and feelings that keep creeping up inside me and threatening to overtake me. I was walking into a store today thinking about how bitching hot it is here 29C! And boom, it hit me, if I had not miscarried, I'd be due in less than 10 days, I'd be waddling around complaining about how hot it is and how swollen my feet are and all the other things pgs get to grumble about. But instead, I am planning my trip to the RE. To top off the chain of events, my period was 3 days late, and I had a somewhat ambiguous test that of course ended up being negative, but it's like the universe had to toy with me one last time. Blllaaaahhh! Frustrating.

I'm on a much needed vacation, so at least I am not all distracted at work. We were away, just got back on Saturday. I'm worried about some of our blogger girlfriends, what's up with passwords? Anyone know how Bumble or Baby Blues are doing?

I hope all is well, it's nice to hear Kirsten's girls are doing so well, I hope she gets them home soon. I'll be back with an update after my appointment. I don't know what else to say right now.

Friday, June 29, 2007

And today is...

CD1. I think I should have scheduled this RE appointment sooner that August. That's about all I got to say about that.

Happy Canada Day! All good excuses to get drunk this weekend.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The great mouse-capades of Hope & Clark

Yup, we had a mouse in our bbq over the weekend. It was a cute furry little mouse with 2 tiny little babies, nestled into a cozy nest right between the grill and the burner (see not everything is barren and infertile at my house, at least the rodents can reproduce!) Anyway the mom took off and left the babies, partially because I scared the Sh*t out of her by starting the bbq before I saw her. So we moved the nest to where we say the mom run. The kicker is she came back, got the babies and rebuilt the nest in the same spot, the very next day. Silly mama mouse!

So needless to say the bbq has been moved into the garage. Clark says I am a horrible, horrible person for trying to incinerate the mouse family, even if it was unintentional. And I think they did live! I shut down the bbq as soon as I saw them! I felt really bad.

Anyway I think the universe is trying to distract me. I am still trying not to obsess, about the whole Am I or Aren't thing. CD26, so the wait is almost over. And since we all know I am obsessing, I might as well indulge myself a little. It's like I am trying to convince myself that I could be pg, why do we do that? I make every symptom I think I have into something that could be pg related and the funny thing is that when I did get a bfp, I didn't even think about being pg that month. Ah, if only this were like an algebra problem that could be rationalised and solved. My face is a mess! The worst breakout I have had in months, down my neck and even a bit on my chest (I know it sounds lovely doesn't it?) I keep having these twingy cramps for the last week or so. Of course I am bit*chy, not sure if that has ever been hormone related or just who I am.

Oh well, back to real work. 3 more days or so to mull it over, before it's over!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Busy is good, especially during the 2ww...

I have been super busy this past couple of weeks, which is a bonus. The only thing that really keeps me from obsessing is not having the time.

So for a quick update, life is plugging along. I keep popping in on you all, to see how things are going, glad to see things are still going as smoothly for Kirsten over at Blonde Ambitions, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she can keep those girls in there as long as possible! And the girls over at Me the Bumblebee, Hopeful to Hateful, and the Opposite of Knocked Up are all reporting cautious optimism, so I'm pulling for you girls and wishing you all the best.

I still can't help but hope that this is my month. That spring break baby would be perfect for the daddy that's a teacher and has a week off in March! CD 20, so still a ways to go, I'm really trying not analyze every little symptom, I feel or think I feel, that always gets me into trouble and you think I would know better by now.

Oh, well. Work is crazy busy. Life is good. My patience is thin but still mostly intact. I'm giving a great big shout out to all my blog girls! Just want to say that I don't comment often, but I'm dropping in. Wish you all the best!!!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

What is there to say...

Well, you know I will find something! To get the cycle and related info out of the way first, I'm on cd13, doing my mid-cycle acupuncture and trying to have unromantic, scheduled sex with my hubby. What else can I tell you. Round and round and round I go and where I stop no one knows! Let's pray for a spring break baby!
I do feel like I am on one of those spinning rides at the carnival and just when it starts to slow down and my stomach relaxes, I'm about to get off and then woooosh! It starts again. I want off the ride and I want my money back, because I didn't enjoy it, at all.
Emotionally, ya know I'm hanging in there. Clark is still struggling, he has not yet let go of the idea that we will get pregnant on our own. I think he is a little slower than the rest of us. The last 2 years haven't caught up with him yet. I told him, screw it, I am ready to just move on to the freakin' IVF and get it done with. I am tired of all this messing around. Really, who isn't? So only a couple more diy cycles until we see the RE and get an action plan in place. I think I might feel better then, or at least more in control.
On the upside of life, the weather here is beautiful! And so I am going to share with you the beauty of my garden, the onlyplace in the world where I don't feel barren these days. This is my little private sanctuary.

This is my pride and join, the corner perennial garden.

This is my Vegetable garden, check out those tomatoes!

This is my baby, the Boston Terrier that rules the garden!

So there you have it, wow, I am proud of my first picture post and feeling a little exposed, I think this is the most I have shared of my personal life.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Along for the ride...

Thanks for the words of encouragement from those who commented. I appreciate it and somehow it does help to know that my feelings are normal, and this all-consuming obsession I have isn't unheard of!

Well, I feel pretty out of control of my life these days. I started a ticker at the bottom to count down to my next RE appointment. I just need to know that it is getting closer, since these diy cycles are useless! It makes me feel like I am at least doing something.

So the out of control feeling comes from a couple of sources. First of all, my MIL being in hospital is frustrating, I am doing everything for her that I can to help her stay be as pleasant as possible. I really hope that they figure out what is wrong with her and soon! And of course that it is not serious! In the meantime, I have just been visiting and bringing her whatever she needs. Secondly, Clark and his contract jobs are always a source of stress! He got called yesterday that he got denied for yet another permanent position. He has been on contract for 5 years and keeps trying to get something full-time! But every time a permanent position comes up, someone else gets it. He is very good at his job an I don't think he gets denied because they don't like him or anything, I think it is just crappy circumstances, there is always someone else that wants it and is more qualified or has more experience etc. The contract he has keeps getting renewed every year and it's good, but a permanent job offers a little more money and security, the up side is that at least even with the contract position Clark is eligible for helth benefits (thank god!)

So needless to say, Clark was pretty bummed out about all this! I told him about a house on the lake that is for sale in our area and joked that we should buy it, it's only a 2 bedroom, but I said since we can't have kids that's all we'll need. He just looked at me and said, yeah at least one of our dreams would come true. (We have always dreamed of living on the lake). How sad. I feel bad for him! I feel bad for me! I feel bad for us!

So between the family illnesses, jobs and this whole bs of infertility, I feel like I am losing it some days! I think I need to take a mental health day! Tee-hee!

So 2 months until the next RE appointment, when I can at least feel like I am doing something. I have so many questions for him this time. Will he do an HSG to check my tubes again? I hope so, doing an iui with blocked tubes would be pretty pointless. Will he recommend we go right to ivf, now instead of the iui? If both tubes are blocked will I be eligible for my ivf to be covered under our provincial plan? I am really curious to know what my drug protocol will be! So many questions.

I am kind of kicking myself for waiting until August to schedule my RE appointment. I know I could move it up if I really wanted to, but Clark's on holidays, as am I and I guess part of me is still hoping we'll do it on our own before then.

Talked to my SIL last night, you all remember her, she was less than supportive of my first brief pg over xmas. So she commences to tell me that she knows that my time is coming and just 'has a feeling' that I will be the next to have twins. I just kind of blew her off, her mom and my FIL were there and i just didn't want to talk about it out loud. I think she means well, and I really believe she feels bad about how she treated me these past months. So I am working on forgiveness, I know we can all be selfish and narcissistic at times, myself included, so I am really trying to cut her some slack!

Well c'est la vie! I know and love all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. I just feel like I need to make a change, I'm incredibly restless and unfocused right now! It's cd 28 and I haven't tested! I'm a good girl this month. Really and truly, I just can't take seeing another effing negative. But the last 2 months I have had 29 day cycles like clockwork, so if this trend continues, I'll be getting my period on Saturday, if nothing else through this journey I am learning patience and I can wait until Saturday to find out!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Passing the time...

Only a few more days left in my 2ww this cycle. I should be expecting the dreaded period on Saturday or Sunday. I think today is cd26. I don't want to test. I'm not going to.

I can't stop thinking about this IF thing, it's very unhealthy. It always consumes my every thought during the last few days of my cycle. I'm always filled with some, 'what if by some miracle' hope. I always end up breaking down and testing.

I am tired of going to bed thinking about it and waking up thinking about it. How do you make your self stop thinking about it? I am tired of being bitter about it. I try to tell myself I am on a break, but I still can't help myself from stupidly thinking 'what if' still.

When does it start to get easier, when do you start to distance yourself from it. After 2 years or 3 or after you have exhausted every option possible. Am I going crazy? Am I the only person who can't let it be?!! OK, I have to stop my head is about to explode!

I try not to talk about it incessantly in real life, which is probably why it's all I talk about on this blog. So my IRL friends and family haven't figured out that I have gone off the deep end yet, I'm doing a pretty good job of hiding it. In fact I have talked to almost no one about since the miscarriage except for Clark, of course.

On a worrisome (and non-IF) note, my MIL is in the hospital. She's Clark's step mother and her and I have a very good friendship. We get together often, just the two of us. So I'm worried, I hope she is going to be OK. Some sort of heart thing, not a heart attack, just strange heart activity, she's been there a few days, I have been to see her twice, I think she appreciates the company. I might go again tonight.

Things have slowed down socially for us, summer will probably pick it up again. My yard and garden looks so fantastic. I really have to figure out how to post pics on this thing. My beans are sprouting and my perennials look fan-tabulous! I love this time of year.

Friday, May 25, 2007

So, it's been a while...

I haven't had much to say. I just keep plugging through each day, each week, each month, each cycle. I have a fog of sadness that hangs over me. But I continue on trying to be the jovial person I have always been, the person who doesn't let much get her down, the person who constantly makes changes to maintain her happiness. The person I was before IF bit me in the butt.

Sure, I am a little more jaded, a little changed, a little sadder, a little less hopeful for the future. One thing I have really noticed in the past few months is the toll all of this is taking on Clark. He's sad and hopeful. He wants it so much, he doesn't talk about it a whole lot. But I get it each time he asks me how I am feeling or speculates that maybe my bad mood is a good sign.

I saw it in his eyes the other night. He was sitting at the computer reading his emails and he mentions that friends of his from university sent out a baby annoucement for their second baby. Both of us sat in silence for what seemed like a minute, just staring at each other, each not sure what to say that wouldn't upset the other. So I said, casually, gee I didn't even know she was pregnant (they live in a different city and we don't see much of them). He just looked away and said, yeah, me neither. But for a split second I saw the pain in his eyes and I felt the pain in my heart.

I feel guilty about that. I feel sad that we didn't have a different reaction. He's a little ticked that I won't take any drugs or herbs or check my OPTs right now. But as I said in my last post, I'm done. I am just so physically and mentally drained by it all. It all seems so in vain. I know next month I'll do my acupuncture and herbs etc. But right now I just don't want to focus on it.

I wish I could make things different for both of us but I don't know what else to do.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Ok, I think I have reached the 'Whatever' point...

So I had a GREAT weekend, my b-day was fantastic, I got great gifts, I got to spend time with all my close friends and family. My life rocks! My job is great, life in general is great.

I did however get my period on Friday. I know, bummer. But no surprise anymore. So I say 'whatever!" I'm done worrying about it. Whatever the universe has in store for me, is going to happen. I stopped taking the met, it was just making me too sick. I felt nauseous and barfy all the time, it didn't seem to be making any difference, conception wise. So I gave it up. I don't go back to the RE until August so until then I'm on a self imposed break. I will continue with the acupuncture and the Chinese herbs. But that's it.

I have already been living it up like my previous ttc self. I drank a bit over the weekend, I mean what the hell I had my period, so no worries. I got together with my pg friends and those with kids and barely even cringed when they talked about how their bellies were shaped during pg, what their toddler is doing now or when they are planning their next baby, etc. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not rushing out to pick up a birth control prescription or anything, I am just going to try not to make the focus of my life getting pregnant. I am away during the middle of my cycle this month, so it's pretty much a bust, I'll probably have to skip acupuncture and I won't even be in the same country as my husband, so whatever!

I am still working on organizing my house, I have made great leaps in de-cluttering closets. It's a work in progress, but it's moving forward. Now if I could only get Clark to finish off the few odd jobs he has started I'd be on cloud nine. My yard is looking spectacular. I planted my veggie garden, can't wait to see what actually grows. The herbs I planted indoors a few weeks ago have started to sprout! At least not everything in my life is barren! If I could only figure out how to post pics on this darn thing, I'd share the beauty of my spring garden with y'all!

Thanks for all the comments, I always feel the love. So my solemn vow to you and myself for the next 3 months is to avoid peeing on any kind of stick and to not think hourly about ttc. Let's see how that pans out for me.