Monday, December 01, 2008

15 weeks...

It's still hard to believe, I'm here at over 15 weeks, almost making the four month mark! And boy does my belly look it. No more keeping it a secret, it's pretty obvious at least to people who know me.

My anxiety is lessening each day. I was a little worried over the weekend about how wet my undies have been (sorry TMI!), but my girlfriends assure me this is pretty normal at this stage, kind of scared me at first. I know I need to get over and enjoy! Well not the wet panties, but the pg.

I am truly blessed, I can't wait another 5 weeks, to find out what it is! I want to know! I have my eye on bedding for both genders. And I can't wait to get started on the nursery.

I will post some belly pics soon.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I Believe...

The truth is finally setting in. I stare at the u/s pics for moments at a time unable to believe they are really of my baby. But it really is strating to sink in. After all these years and all these countless trips to the RE, a miracle really has happened. We're really going to have a baby of our own.

Needless to say, our family is thrilled, we are thrilled. A small bit of progress has started on the nursery. We are definitely going to find out the sex of baby bubbles. Our next u/s is scheduled for Jan. 5th. So hopefully we will be able to see that day.

Everyone is convinced, I will have a girl. I really don't know. I thought at first maybe a boy, but I really can't say I have strong feeling one way or another.

My body really started to shift this week at 13 weeks. My regular jeans definitely don't fit at all anymore. Work / dress pants are still a doable as long as they are fairly stretchy fabric. I have to get out and at least get some pants next weekend. Mater.nity clothes suck! I couldn't wait until I had to wear them, now I can find nothing that feels comfortable or looks flattering. Maybe it is my prepregnancy plus size that makes it more difficult or perhaps I am just at that in between stage right now. Time will tell. But I think a major shopping trip is in order soon.

Monday, November 10, 2008

I think we're actually having a baby!

We saw it! It looked like a baby and they tell me it's in me! I can't believe it. Me - I'm really going to have a baby! I don't think I honestly believed it was really going to happen until now!

We saw the little baby bubbles rolling around, stretching out it's arms and legs and a beautiful heart beating strong at 163!

It was wonderfully amazing.

I'm having a baby, I think I'll go shout it from the roof tops!!

12 Week Ultrasound...

Today's the big day. The first real look at baby bubbles. Hopefully I'll be posting later today about how wonderful it was. Honestly I'm scared. I know it's silly to be scared at this late date and I've already heard a strong heart beat. But anything can happen and today, I just want to be reassured all is going well in there. Please pray for us today.

I'll post later with details.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Double Digits and a Heartwarming Experience...

Phew! 2 weeks since I posted, so far this first trimester is flying by for my and thank goodness, as I am not a patient person. I couldn't believe when I logged on and saw double digits - 10 weeks, actually almost 11 already. Never thought I would make it this far and am still counting my blessings daily.

Things seem to be motoring along for the most part for me. I feel pretty good really. A little nausea still occasionally and a lot of fatigue, but nothing that's a horrible deal.

And the most exciting news! I had my first midwife appt. on Tuesday (yes midwife, I'll get into that later) and I heard the heartbeat!!! For those of you following my journey you know how utterly important and how much this means to me. I cried, it was the loveliest sound I have ever heard! My 12 week u/s is scheduled for a week from Monday, I am really looking forward to that for the utmost reassurance that all is well with baby bubble.

As for the Midwife, well, I researched a lot of options, where to deliver - my town or the city where to get an OB, which OB, etc. and nothing felt right. Then my friends kept recommending I think about a midwife. So as I am approaching 11 weeks and really needed to make a decision and find someone to get my prenatal blood work and 12 week u/s ordered, I took the plunge and made an appt with our local midwife clinic.

Let me tell you it was a fabulous experience, we met for 2 hours, yes, 2 hours, and that was actually talking to her, not sitting in the waiting room. She asked me a million questions, we talked about delivery, care during the pregnancy, everything. It was a great experience and seeing as how I have not be deemed high risk, I can safely go to the midwife for my care, unless something out of the ordinary arises at which time they will consult with an OB, but let's hope that doesn't happen. The best part is the midwives attend the entire labour and deliver process with you and will even if your care is transferred to an OB later in pg. Oh, and did I mention that you get a pager number for your midwife in case you have questions or something scary happens. Love it.

Anyway, needless to say I feel great about this decision even if it does seem a bit unconventional. But then again what has been conventional about this process so far?? I really want a change of pace from the whole "medical" experience I have had thus far. I am of course delivering in a hospital, I'm not that much of a free spirit.

So that's where I am right now. Things are good.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Quick Update...

Things are still chugging along ok for us. I'm feeling pretty good no real serious morning sickness a little tired, but pretty good.

I have an appt with my family doctor first thing on Monday. Feels weird going back to him after everything I have been through. But I need him to refer me to an ob/gyn in the city, because I do not want the ob I had been seeing before here in my town. Plus I really want to deliver in a bigger city. Our hospital, doesn't have the greatest reputation and i trust them more in the city, it's less than an hour's drive, so I think it will be fine. Plus now that I am only working 4 days a week, I can always schedule my appts for my days off.

I still don't really believe this miracle is happening to me. I thank god every day for this wonderful blessing. I try not be anxious. Although, things still worry me. I know that's normal. I know it's still pretty early in the pg and I definitely appreciate that anything can happen at any time, so I am definitely not taking anything for granted. I am just really trying not to let the worry get the best of me and rob me of the joy I feel.

I will feel better when I get to my doctor in the city and I get a 12 week u/s. A few more weeks of stress and then hopefully I will have some reassurance that all is well with the Little bubble in there.

I swear my waist line is burgeoning, I am a chunky girl to begin with, so no one will notice for quite some time I am sure, but I notice in the way that my pants fit and the hardness of my tummy, already it is uncomfortable to lay on it.

Keep us in your prayers and thanks for all your congratulations and warm support!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Happiest Day of My Life...

I will be truly thankful, this Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. We saw a heartbeat!!

OMG! It was the most beautiful and relieving thing I have ever seen. The u/s went perfectly. The little bubble was measuring 7w 3d, and I was 7w 4d, so right on track. The heartbeat was there and the doctor said everything looked great!! Oh and there is only one!!

I would have been fine with twins, but one is great! I am just counting my blessings right now. I am so grateful.

Confirmed dd is may 23!! I am so excited, our family is so excited. We have been released by the clinic and will find a regular ob/gyn next week.

Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement and keeping us in your prayers. We are truly blessed. I am still nervous for the first trimester to be over so I can move forward to some more stable ground, but I am going to try not to let the worry get the best of me.

It has been a long road for us to get here, over 3 years since we starting trying on our own and I will never take any of this for granted.

I am so happy, I can't even begin to express it!!!

Monday, October 06, 2008

Scary times...

Just a quick post. Nothing new to say. I'm still living in limbo land waiting for the results of this ultrasound. I am scared to say the least, I have no idea which way things will go. But I am trying to remain as positive as I can.

I feel pretty good still and still very different than my unsuccessful pgs, no cramping and just generally feel better. I'm still scared, I keep imaging both outcomes. The warm fuzzy one, where I get to see my baby (ies?) heart beat for the first time and I get to see that little flutter on the screen and Clark and I get to go home and tell out family the joyful news!! I have imagined every little detail, will I be so overwhelmed with joy, will I want to buy out the babies store? I want that outcome so badly.

The other outcome, I don't have to imagine, quite as hard. I have lived it twice before, the blank stares of the doctors, the realization that everything is not ok, and is not going to be ok. The sound of my hopes and dreams shattering. Yeah, I really don't want to go there again.

I'm scared. But only time will tell if this time will be different.

Monday, September 29, 2008

One week down...

Well, I have been MIA this last week, due to my new job! It's been keeping me very busy and I'm still doing my old job part time, so distractions are everywhere, thankfully!

I can't believe a week has already passed. Only 11 days to go until the big u/s. This is such a scary time for me. I keep hoping everything will turn out the way I want it to. I am six weeks pregnant! So hard to believe. I really feel pretty normal other than the prog symptoms, like sore bbs and really, really tired. I have had a few short bouts of mild nausea, nothing that I would complain too much about. And some serious heartburn, does that start this early?

All is all, life is chugging away. I feel like I am seriously on the cusp of having it all. I have a great new job, that pays me pretty decent money, I am starting to realize my dream of becoming a mom and hopefully good things will continue to happen for us!

It has been such a long road and I am at such an uncertain time in my life both with the job and this pg. I can't help but be a tiny bit stressed, but i just keep praying it will all work itself out!!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Too much thinking...

I have really been focusing on the positive over the weekend. I keep hoping this time is going to be different for me and that all will work itself out.

Such stressful times, these early days of pg for us IFers. I keep watching my ticker thinking 18 days until the u/s. Can I make it without having a complete melt down. I'm scared, but trying not to stress about it. I don't think I can survive a 3rd m/c and I don't even want to think like that, but after everything that has happen to me in the last 3 years, it's hard not to let that doubt creep into the back of your mind.

I know I will go on, no matter what the outcome, and I feel so truly blessed that this ivf even worked!! I know so many people who never even get to see a bfp. At least I have hope right now, hope that this may all work out and I might even get a real live baby in 8 months.

So again I have to stay focused on my gratitude. I am grateful for every day I have with this little bubble and hoping for the next 18 days, I can just let go and let God.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Well the numbers are in...

Beta today was 289. I guess I would be 18DPO or 15DP3Dt. I actually am happy with this number as was my clinic and they said there is no reason to retest.

Both other times I have been pg the betas came in at crazy high number like 1800 and 2200. Obviously this was not a good sign. So I am thinking 289 is a good number.

So now we wait again. My u/s is actually the 10th! One less day to wait. As my clinic informed me that they don't do 8 week u/s on Saturdays. And we wait. I am going to get good at this patience thing if it kills me.

I have to say I am wholly encouraged that the number came back at a much different value than the last 2 times. I also checked Dr. Google and everything I have read indicates that the average beta at 4 weeks should be between 5 - 426 mIU/ml . So that puts me smack in the middle and I am very happy with that. I wish was working. But maybe it's better I don't over obsess.

So now I wait. I would be most interested to hear what your betas looked like. Feel free to comment.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

A New Look...

For a new chapter in my life! I hope I am moving into phase two of my life, parenthood! So finally after nearly 3 years of keeping this blog, I felt is was time for a new look!

And what better timing than the week I find out IVF #2 worked!!! I hope you all enjoy the new look and for all you lurkers out there please feel free to comment, I'd love to hear from you!

Nothing too much new. Getting ready to start my new job on Tuesday, The new job is only 3 days a week, but as much money as I make now working 5! So this is perfect timing in some ways. I am staying on at my old job the other 2 days a week until they get someone hired and trained. So I will be banking the extra for baby goodies! Not to mention a new wardrobe for me!!

Beta is tomorrow, I feel pretty good, a little tired, eating is weird, sometimes I am famished and could eat everything in sight and other days I barely feel like eating at all. A few weird twinges, nothing I would call cramping, just some pulling feelings in the top of my legs and lower abdomen. I guess I would be about 4 weeks 4 days today, so things are still very early.

Otherwise, the bubbles seem to be hanging in there and we are just taking it one day at a time. I will feel much better when I see an u/s. The betas don't hold much weight with me, as my first 2 pgs had great numbers. So we'll see, one foot in front of the other.

It's very hard to keep my excitement down to a dull roar!!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Holy Friggin' Crap!!!

I wasn't going to blog this, but I can't help myself, I can't tell anyone else right now and I need to share this excitement with someone or I am going to burst!!!!!

I did an HPT this morning, it's a little early at 11DP3DT, but what can I tell you, I couldn't resist the urge to pee on something!!!! And unbelievably it was positive!!! It was a faint positive but definitely positive, I did 2 just to make sure!! I can't even believe I am typing these words. I am just soooo grateful right now I am ready to jump out of my skin. I can't concentrate on anything else, I should be finishing up work here at my old job seeing as how I have only this week left full time. And not to mention how this is going to effect my new job!!!

Now I know this is all early, I have been here twice before and have not had successful outcomes, so please continue to pray for me and my bubbles. My 8 week u/s is scheduled for the 11th of October. So it's going to be hard until then, that's where my 2 previous pg's went to hell in a hand basket with no heartbeat either time. But I think these little bubbles are much stronger - they survived retrieval and being in a petri dish and then put back into my body!!! I think they are in it for the long haul!!! I can't be cautious here, I already have so much invested in this pregnancy, that I know I will be devastated if history repeats itself.

So I am going to try not to worry too much and just roll with it. I have a new job to keep me busy for the next 4 weeks. I am going to try not to be paranoid about everything I eat or drink, about everything I lift, about every twinge I feel. I am not going to let past circumstances make me crazy!!

I am just so happy right now in this moment!!! Beta on Friday.

Friday, September 12, 2008


Time is ticking so slowly!! I am dying to have some resolve here. I need to know the answer to the burning question, where is my magic 8 ball!!

I have been keeping busy, I accepted a new job. So that's starts is a week and a half. I know, crazy timing!! I'm a little concerned about the repercussions there if I am in fact pregnant. But I mean I can't make decisions based on what ifs. I've been trying to get pg for over 3 years. I mean if I turned down everything because I might get pg it would have been a strange 3 years!

So I'm excited about the job. I'm having a little trouble with the new puppy, she is deathly afraid of other dogs, so I have her enrolled in some private training sessions, so that will keep me busy.

So I am just trying to keep busy and wait it out until my beta on Thursday. I am going insane though. I'm glad it's Friday, as I know the weekend will fly by and Mondays are usually busy and next thing I know it will be Tuesday.

I feel nothing. I have no idea if I am pg or not. I'd like to say I have some intuition but not really. Although cold corn in the fridge last night nearly made me throw up! So maybe that's a good sign.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008


Only 10 days until my beta. It is creeping along. I'm not analyzing any symptoms, I know the prog suppositories, give the same side effects.

I hope I can keep distracted long enough not to go insane waiting.

Friday, September 05, 2008


That is today, I had my 3 day transfer yesterday. I have my beta on the 19th. It's been a while since a post from me, I have just been trying to get through life revolving around IVF. I go back to work on Monday, so I feel I need to get back at normal life.

So the details of this cycle. Obviously I had my retrieval on Monday, which went fairly well all things considered. I was awake, but fairly groggy and disengaged through it all. I felt no needles, but did feel the follicles being punctured which resulted in a very moderate pain, nothing I couldn't handle. The whole thing only took about 15 minutes, so they tell me. It felt like 5 minutes to me, I must have been in and out of sleep, due to the drugs. They got 12 eggs, that looked pretty good! I was seriously psyched at that point. They even showed us one of my eggs under a microscope on the screen. It was very exciting!!

I have to say here the clinic was fabulous on the day of retrieval. I couldn't have asked for better care, I was the only retrieval that day and the nurse that was assigned to me was incredibly awesome and made for a really good experience all things considered.

I recovered in my room for a couple hours, and during this time Clark did his thing. We waited until we had the all clear on the sperm sample (meaning there was enough and they were swimming). Then we headed home. The next couple days were a little rough, not a lot of pain, but serious bloating and my digestive system was majorly off.

I took it easy for those couple days, I was at risk for some moderate to serious OHSS, since my e2 was over 9000, 2 days before retrieval. But I poured the fluids down me and just rested and rested. And I was feeling pretty good by yesterday, transfer day.

The fertilization report on Wednesday was great, we had 9 of the 12 fertilize, although one was lagging behind the rest, we still had 8 that looked decent at that point. I was more that majorly psyched at that news!

When we arrived for the transfer, the news was not as good. Only 3 of our little embies has graduated to past 6 cells, which is where they have to be for freezing and transfer. So the 2 best which were 9 cellers, and grade C were transferred back to me. The transfer process was pretty painless compared to retrieval. Not much more that an iui, only a little longer. They checked the tube under the microscope to make sure they were back in me, and I was allowed to go home.

The grade C's were very disappointing to me. I was hoping for some stellar embies after all my hard work and especially after having 12 to start. But they told me not to get too wrapped up in the grades and that they have seen many pg's result from c's. So I guess it is what it is. I knew it was too good to be true, I usually am an under achiever!!! But at the very least this cycle was a winner compared to the last!!

So when we left yesterday, we had one 8 celler, that could be frozen, a 5 cell that they were hoping would catch up and the rest would be cultured to see if they reached blastocyst stage to be frozen. They will send us a detailed report next week outlining how many were frozen and at what stage. So we'll see. I would hope I could do at least one frozen cycle with a couple embies. They gave me a picture of the 2 they transferred back, they were so cute!!! Like little bubbles!!

So now we wait. The hardest part for me. The next 2 weeks are going to be tough. So please pray for the little bubbles!

Monday, August 25, 2008

An Even Dozen!

Well, I had my first follie check yesterday and the news was very encouraging. I had 12 nice follies, 7 on one side and 5 on the other. All measuring about the same at around 1.1!!

Woo-hoo, this is the most encouraging news we have had on the IF front in ages. My e2 looked good and the doc even called it an excellent stim cycle. He said I am right where they want me to be at this point.

So relieved!!! I go back for another look tomorrow and start my antagonist shot tonight. So if all continues to go well we could be looking at a labour day weekend ER!!!!

I am stressing about a few of the details but trying really hard to put it all out of my mind and trust that it will all happen the way it should, as I know at this point it is all out of my hands. The majority of this outcome is up to the RE and science and the rest is up to God.

I am feeling a lot bloated and really tired. But I am assuming this is all normal at this point!!

Please continue to pray that this cycle finishes out well, we get a good lot of embryos from it and this is our miracle answer!!

Friday, August 22, 2008

IVF #1, Take 2 - ACTION!!!

Well, I got the go ahead on take 2. We started injections on Tuesday. 450 iu of Men0pur each time. Pretty much a pro at the mixing and injecting now. Had b/w this a.m., so we'll keep our fingers crossed that everything will work out this time.

Had no suppression at all, not even est.race. So maybe this will help develop those follies and keep them on track.

Life is as busy as ever, just holding out hope I at least make it to egg retrieval this time.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Making a little noise...

I have been away for far too long!! I have nothing really new or exciting to say, but I thought I would make a little noise so that you all know that I am still here!!!

My vacation was fantastic!! Every bit the recharging that I needed. I am looking forward now to getting back on the cycling wagon! I'm starting IVF #1 take 2, as soon as I get my period would should be somewhere around the 21st.

I'm getting anxious to get started now that I have had some time off. I have a bit of hope restored in me.

I have been lurking around the web keeping up to date on all my blog girlfriends, just haven't had a lot to say.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Burnt Out...

I am feeling very ready for a vacation!! Which I have coming in 2 weeks!! YEEAAAHH!! We moved Clark's grandma on Friday and Saturday and we are exhausted!!!

I have made firm plans to start out next IVF on my August cycle which should start (cd1) around mid August if my body stays on it's current schedule. I decided it was time to take a month off. Since they are not suppressing me at all prior to IVF start, it's almost like an iui cycle in that, I just start shots on day 3 and continue until retrieval. So I am living it up for July!!

We went to a concert last Sunday. We are heading to the cottage we rent every year a week from Saturday. I need a vacation. I am so tired and mentally and emotionally drained. So I am looking forward to living life normally for the next month!!

Other than that life is steaming ahead at an alarming rate, I can't believe that it's already mid-July!! My fur girls are as cute and funny as every. God, do they make me laugh.

So bottom line is IVF #1 take 2, is postponed until August at my choice.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

I make plans and God laughs...

My cycle was cancelled yesterday. I cannot tell you how utterly and totally disappointed I am. I am having a really hard time functioning today, I came home from work early yesterday. I might take Monday off.

My estra.diol was too low. It actually dropped. I can't believe it. At my scan yesterday morning there were 8 decent follies or so they thought. But they tell me with a drop in e2 that could indicate empty follies and they would hate for me to get all the way to retrieval and find we have no eggs!!! I guess I am glad that it got cancelled fairly early on. We get back 80% of our money at least.

I am really actually feeling quite angry. I know this is normal, I just feel like I can't catch a freakin' break no matter what I do. I have the everything is against me feelings right now. I'm just bummed out totally. I know there will be another cycle, it's just I had everything in place for this happen NOW!!!

The clinic says I can start my next ivf cycle as soon as I get my period which should follow it's normal cycle, so in 2-3 weeks, I guess.

I just can't believe this shit keeps happening to me. In better news Clark got a permanent position!!! Finally, so no more worrying about contracts every year!! However, the same day he found out, his car blew up!! So we are shopping for a new vehicle over the summer.

I'm going to try to scrape through the rest of the weekend, I'm going to have a drink tonight! Screw it!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

A Work In Progress...

Well, I got 2 injections under my belt so far. They went pretty smoothly. I went for a u/s and b/w on Sunday. All appeared well. Started injections that night and go back for just blood on Wednesday a.m.

It all feels a little unreal still. Sort of like this is a dream or I'm reading about someone else's life. I have done a lot of baby day-dreaming these past few days. Will this really be it, will this really be the thing that does it for us. Will we finally be a family? Can I hope this much?

I can and I will. I have to admit to myself, I have all my hopes and dreams pinned on this ivf. I really don't see it not working. I just won't accept that. I just won't.

Estimated retrieval date is a week from Saturday. The 5th. We'll see how I follow their plan (or not!).

Friday, June 20, 2008

Let's Get Rolling...

With the IVF that is. That's right cd1 today! I just excited to get this cycle started. I had some spotting this morning and wasn't sure if i should call this day one, but it's heavy bright spotting now, so I'm calling in my day 1 to the clinic as soon as I get home from work.

I need to check my instructions at home to see if I need to go day 2 or 3 for the baseline b/w! Although I know they will call me to confirm!

So we're off and rolling, I guess that means I start injections on Sunday!! I never thought I would be so excited to just get started!

Please wish me luck and keep us in you thoughts and prayers as this cycle progresses! I know this is going to be our answer. I just know it.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Patiently Waiting...

Ok, maybe not so patiently, but waiting nonetheless! I have thought my period would show herself by now. But nowhere in sight! CD 24 today.m But the later the better for my week off following retrieval and transfer. The later into July really the better for my work schedule.

So I believe everything will happen as it should. I have to.

So my fears right now surrounding this impending cycle include worry about mixing the meno.pur correctly. It doesn't seem hard, but a little odd. I will be weird to inject this powdery mixture, I'm curious to see how it looks after mixing? I know once I do a few I'll be ok with it, I was worried about the pen injections as first too and I managed fine with them. And remembering all the right meds to take at the right time. I wondered if they keep me on the estr.ace as well or I stop that when injections start. We'll see.

My biggest fear of course is my failure to respond. Followed by the actual process of the the egg retrieval itself. My clinic does not give you anesthetic for the procedure, just some mild sedative and pain meds and of course local freezing. I asked if I would remember it and they said yes. I am very scared about the physical discomforts of this. I hope I don't freak out. I guess you have to keep your eye on the prize.

The whole thing seems a little daunting right now, but like the iuis I'm sure when I get full swing into the process, it'll all come together for me. I'm very unfocused right now, thankfully work has slowed down and I have some time to peruse my thoughts.

I'm scared, but I'm so excited at the same time. I just can't believe I am doing this, I never, ever thought I would be writing about my own ivf experience. So surreal. But I am so hopeful and full of anticipation for what is to come.

Monday, June 16, 2008

This and That...

So I am waiting for my period. CD 22 today and could be anywhere in the next week. My cycles are notoriously short after a failed iui. So I am actually expecting it in the next few days. Which, by the way, will be a blessing, as I am just ready to get this first ivf cycle started already!!

At first I was dragging my feet, but now I have made the decision and I'm ready! I just want to get on with it. I am so impatient, you would think, if anything this infertility journey would teach me some patience. I'm getting better, I realize I don't have a lot of control, so we wait.

I have such mixed emotions about everything right now. Could be the est.race I started on Saturday. Or could be this feels just like such a gigantic step. Hopefully the next gigantic step in getting me the babies that I want.

It's sort of scary of course, the unknown always is. It's kind of exciting because I keep thinking, maybe this will be the thing that WORKS! Maybe this will be IT!!! And it's kind of sobering, because - what if it's not? It kind of makes me anxious about all that we will learn about my eggs and the embryos we make etc. It also kind of makes me hopeful, which in turn is scary. So I guess we have come full circle. I'm everywhere and nowhere all at once! I pray. I pray. I pray. I pray. I could just type that over and over again. But then you would stop reading this, wouldn't you?

I am just trying to focus on each day as they come. The weekend was enjoyable! See below for new pics of my puppies. They make me smile so many times in a day. I am so grateful for the joy and companionship they bring to my life. I have been out walking a lot more because they enjoy it so much, and that is so good for me, because I need the exercise. I did some gardening and entertaining on the weekend and just tried to kick back as much as possible and appreciate and enjoy my surroundings.

A little word on the permanent job front for Clark. Don't want to say too much yet, but we're keeping our fingers crossed. Especially in light of the recent ivf expenses, which I paid on Friday. YIKES! And the fact that our second car is about to crap out!! It's all doable, just not ideal, but then as I have learned, what is the definition of ideal??

In more mixed emotional news, my co-worker shared with me that she is pg! I am happy for her and please note she did not get pg in 2 months they have been trying for a while, this is her 2nd. But still the news was somehow hard for me to hear, of course I said all the appropriate things and didn't melt down in the privacy of my office or anything, but it stung a little I guess, does that ever go away? I don't like that feeling.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Why does it feel like starting over?

We took the plunge!! I paid the $500 (non-refundable) deposit for our IVF. I picked up the nearly $3000 worth of drugs prescribed for me. HOLY SH*T! Thank god for our drug plan which covered every last penny!!! I have never left a pharmacy with 2 shopping bags of drugs. This experience get more and more surreal by the moment.

I'm happy to be moving onto the next step. I hope this is the step that works. All of you girls who commented on my last post and have been with me through most of this journey (special thanks Chas and Kirsten!) made me feel like I can do this. Your success stories only give me hope. I hope this works for us too!

We had our consult yesterday to determine the course of treatment and make some preliminary decisions (which I know could change throughout the process, depending on me and how I respond) but we have a tentative plan in place. The RE's feeling after watching me through 4 iuis is that our main problem is an ovulation one. The PCOS etc, just seems to keep me from ovulating and they feel I didn't respond terribly well to the pure.gon and seemed to indicate that 100iu is a high dose and I still only had 2 follies and pretty low E2. So they are doing a slightly different course of treatment. They are not suppressing me. I now that's weird, I have never talked to anyone that wasn't suppressed. But that's what they feel will be best for me. They are afraid I won't 'turn back on'. So I start Estr.ace on day 20 and call with the first day of next period. From there I have a baseline u/s and bloodwork. Start 225 iu injections of Meno.pur and then add in some orgalu.tran when they tell me. We decided against doing ICSI this time. Clark's counts have been decent and the clinic felt he has had more than enough sperm to fertilize even 15 eggs (which is probably more than most people have) and his motility and morph are perfect.

I know we will learn alot about our problems this cycle. I'm deathly afraid it's a fertilization issue or a chromosomal problem. But they keep telling me the 2 m/c have just been bad luck, they have no medical reasons for them. I'm also deathly afraid of having no or very few follies. Of course, ideally we would have some embryos left over to freeze for either a 2nd attempt if this is not successful or for baby #2 (or 3?). But at this point I am just trying to keep things in perspective and take it one step at a time.

I am also terrified of the retrieval. I don't think I am a big wimp, but the thought of that procedure scares the crap out of me (any advice welcome here). The other thing that surprised me was the mixing of the injections, who knew I would have powder and liquid and have to mix this stuff up? Interesting.

So for now I am trying to wrap my head around it all and keep my eye on the prize. I am still working through a few feelings of bitterness, I'm feeling a little sad that it has come to this but at the same time excited to move onto the next big step. I'm a roller coaster right now!!! The money end of things is a bit daunting to say the least and there is a little fear that this is kind of our last hope, we will attempt more than one ivf, but I mean I just hope ivf is the answer to our prayers.

So for now one day at a time.

Monday, May 26, 2008

I hate being right...

Got the first signs of my period this morning. Beta is actually on Wednesday, but I have some pretty bright red tinges and still a negative pee-stick. So it's over for this cycle.

Clark and I had a pretty good talk last night. I am just realizing that he is going through this emotional process so much slower than I did. I think it hit him for the first time last night that we really could not be able to have kids. I think he has been feeling all along that there has got to be an answer or a remedy. I think he came to the sad realization that there sometimes isn't an answer for these things.

He is going through the anger and denial phase right now. He keeps asking me isn't there something more we can do or another thing that the docs can test us for. We talked about the ivf, we're ready to do it. We don't really have the money but we can get it, we agreed we would do one cycle and see how that ended up for us. There is no way of knowing what the next step after that will be, will we have any frozen embies or will it work the first time or will it be a complete bust! So we're just going to go at it one step at a time.

My feeling right now is to wait until the summer is over. We have some plans and I want a semblance of a normal life for a few months, plus summer is so super busy for me at work that I would better be able to have some time off in September. But then part of me is saying just do it and get it over with!!!

I need some insight from those of you who have been through ivf, how much disruption to m,y life can I expect. Is is similar to iui, with u/s monitoring and b/w. Do I need to be off work during the time between the ER and the transfer? What part of your cycle is the ER, is it around the middle like ovulation? I feel stupid, I know all the ins and outs of iui and have no clue about the ivf thing. How will the drugs affect me? I need some answers before I can figure out a time frame.

But moving forward. In better news Clark has a job interview tonight, so hopefully he will find something permanent and get off the contract roller coaster.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Hope went down the drain...

OK, I did a test this morning and yes, it's only 13dpIUI, but what the heck, can you honestly tell me that I could get a negative today and a positive on Sunday (when it's technically legal to test). I don't think so, I mean really prove me wrong.

So it was of course negative. This is where I start feeling like I am beating my head against a brick wall. 4 iuis since September, 3 of them basically back to back. What the heck does it take me to conceive a baby already!!!

Clark is convinced I am giving up too early. That I just tested too early and he adamantly believes I am pg. I don't know how to let him down easy, so I will just keep it to myself until Sunday and show him the negative test.

It's so frustrating!! I want to scream. I also want to jump head first into plan b, which in our case looks like it's going to be ivf. I feel like the more negatives I see, the more determined I am to make this work, dammit, I know I can have a baby! I am already formulating an ivf plan in my head. I don't want to, it's just where I naturally go. This has been a long hard journey and I just want it to end. I prayed I was pg with twins and then I could have the 2 kids I always wanted and never have to fear not getting pg again. It's all so stupid, I'm wishing my life away. I think we'll try a couple of ivfs and then by the end of 2008, it's move on time. I need to give up on the fantasy.

So discouraged. It seems life in general is just getting both of us down right now. Tired of being kicked while I'm down.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The dreaded 2ww...

I'm in it full swing. IUI#4 went off on Saturday without much of a hitch. Clark's count was decent and things went pretty much according to plan. The nurse felt with my estradiol at only 1500 2 days before, we were only looking at ovulating one egg. One is good, one is fine, one is all it takes.

I have to say I am frighteningly hopeful this month. This is our last try at iuis so maybe I just 'really' want this one to work. But I feel like this could actually work this time. I have been really really tired since Monday and I know I can never tell what are real symptoms and what are just side effects of the progesterone, but I'd like to think being tired is a good sign.

My 2 doggies are doing really well, we started our first puppy obedience with the younger one and I have to say they just add to our lives, they make me laugh and remind me there is some joy in my life, when I really want to melt down and pull my hair out!

So for the moment, I am really trying to be patient and hang in there, although it's hard, at least spring is in the air and I can work on my gardens etc.

I hate being hopeful and I hate being doom and gloom. So where does that leave me?

Monday, May 05, 2008

More Surprises...

Well, my body never does what I expect it will. My period showed up incredibly early again. So I am full swing into iui #4. I can't believe how quickly the time passes when cycling. I went for my first measuring u/s today and have 4 follies. 2 at 1.1 and a 1.2 and a 1.3. I think the 1.1s are probably too small to amount ot anythign but having 2 would be fabulous!!
God, I hope this one works. I really just want to get on with it!!

Happy birthday to me tomorrow.
And for your viewing enjoyment (my girls):

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

On to IUI #4...

Well, I am just living life, anticipating the start of iui #4. This will be our last iui attempt before moving onto ivf.

I should expect my period, I think around May 4th, so then will begin my next cycle. Just in time for my 32nd birthday, I really can't believe a-that I am going to be 32? How did I get to be this old, I swear to you I was 21 only yesterday? And b-that I am still doing this baby thing. I laugh to think when I started trying just after my 29th birthday, that not only did I firmly believe I would be pg in the first couple months, I thought I would be holding a baby in my 30th year. And yet here I am still wondering if that will ever happen, let alone when.

The imminent approach of my birthday also gives me cause to reflect on how my feelings and sense of desperation about parenthood have changed in the last 2 and a half years. I actually find myself wondering if maybe I would be better off without kids, then I catch myself thinking this and feel guilty that I am somehow wishing myself not pregnant.

But as I enjoy my time to myself and with my puppies and Clark, I wonder maybe if the grass does always seem greener on the other side of the fence. Maybe I will never know what I missed. Maybe I will be ok after all if kids never happen for us. Maybe I will forever enjoy sleeping until 10 on a Saturday. Maybe I have finally lost the last shred of sanity I have.

I really enjoy the months off cycling when I don't have to think about the baby thing and I just live this life that is before me. I drink what I want and I have coffee and just live recklessly. Maybe this is it for me. And I'm happy, I have put a lot of work into creating the life that I wanted and I always thought that that life would include kids, but that is just not panning out for me. There is a pang of sorrow when I see my friends with there kids. Am I talking myself into stopping before ivf?

I'm all over the place. I have to stop thinking so far in advance and just get through the next iui.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008


Well, the iui was again unsuccessful. Man, this is so frustrating. The sad part is, for me, at least, it seems to get easier with each bfn. It's as though, the dream is very distant now, not like it was in the beginning, where, I just thought it will happen. Now, I'm not so sure. So needless to say it has been a freakin' rough week, between the funeral and the bfn and everything, I'm feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed.

On the infertility front, the RE, I think is going ot let us do one more iui. He really only wanted to do three and we have done three, but #1 was partly successful, at least I did get pregnant. Anyway, with all my history and the improvement in Clark's count, we are going to try one more.
Here in Canada most of the stuff for the iui is covered, I have drug coverage through Clark's work, so all in all, an iui only costs us about $200 out of pocket. And I am sooo grateful for that. I know so many people that aren't as lucky as us, especially all my girls in the U.S. One cycle of ivf would probably cost $4500-5000, for us, and believe me, I also know that is cheap compared to what some people have to pay. So don't get me wrong I am not whining, I am just trying to be realistic about our financial goals vs. our fertility goals. I hate to have to balance the 2 things, but let's face it, that's a reality for those of us facing infertility treatments, where do you draw the line. And as I have tried to explain to me fertile IRL friends who have never had to face this dilemma, if you told me I could pay $5000 and walk out of the hospital in 9 months with a real live baby, you wouldn't be able to see me for dust on my way to the RE clinic. BUT, and there is a very big BUT, what if we end up doing 2 or 3 or 5 ivf cycles? Then we're 10, or 20, or 25000 in the hole and what if we do all that and still don't get a baby out of it. That's where I am in my head.
All that being said, I will give ivf a shot and probably more than one. We are also blessed in the fact that we can afford to do a couple cycles of ivf. I mean, we don't have 10 grand sitting around in a cookie jar anywhere, but we do have the means (and by means, I mean credit) to be able to access that money. We have little debt, a house with some equity and a generous line of credit. So it's possible. I just don't want to re-mortgage my house and then wind up childless in the end anyway. Are these crazy thoughts? Do other people think this way?

So, trying not to put the cart before the horse. We are going to give one more try to the iui and then we'll take it from there.
In upbeat news, here are some pics of my babies:

Monday, March 31, 2008

Quick Update...

I have been so busy, I was off for a week, and have not gotten in front if the computer much. Hope all is going well with all of you!

Good news and bad news. We had a death in the family, Clark's Grandpa, he's been sick, but it is very sad, we are all going to miss him so much. He was such a kind and giving man. I am dreading the funeral.

Plus we got the puppy!! She is a sweetie. I promise to post pics this week.

We had the iui on the 18th and just awaiting results. I can test on Wednesday. This time I was so busy the 2ww flew by!! Clark had the best count ever!!! 28 million washed. I was so proud of him. (and I am not testing early!!!)

And happy blogaversary to me!!! 2 years I have been blogging, seems unreal.

More when I have more time.

Monday, March 10, 2008

And on it goes...

So I'm 4 shots into this 3rd iui cycle. I'm really glad I made the decision not to talk about it in RL. It seems to slow time down, when you are talking and thinking about it all the time.

I'm off to the city tomorrow for cd8 b/w. Then I will start hearing about when I need to come in for u/s. It's going along fine.

No news on the furbaby yet. I'm getting really anxious to see her!! We are supposed to choose which girl we want from pictures this week, so I'm getting very impatient to get pictures. Only 2 weeks until we go get her, yeah!!

*Addition* To answer Mel's question, I'm on the same protocol as last cycle we did. 75iu injection of Pure*gon every evening at 5pm, beginning cd3, b/w and u/s monitoring until follies are ready and then trigger with ovid*rel (usually cd 14-16), plus regular pure*gon, day off and then iui. I am also on 850mg of met 2x a day, and of course a pre*natal. I will start one low dose as*pirin a day , plus prog. suppositories the day of the iui.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Just Do IT...

Well Tuesday ended up being cd1, very obviously by the afternoon. So I did it. I called my clinic, everything was set to start when I wanted to anyway, so off I went yesterday to fill my script. Went to the city this am for cd3 blood and start injections tonight if my baselines are A-OK.

Why not. I'm taking it as a sign that I shouldn't let this month go by. This is the first time I have been able to do an iui, month off and another right away, so maybe it will be good.

Who knows. But I decided since this was sort of unplanned anyway, I'm not telling anyone, other than Clark of course. I don't really want all the questions and then my mom wants to go with me for blood, and I don't want to her to have to feel like she has to do that. It will only be 12 or so days and and the iui will be done and on with it. So I don't want to talk about it in RL.

I can come here at my discretion without having to give a cycle update on demand, if I want to talk.

Puppy is looking like it will be coming home Easter weekend. We should get pics of the girls in a few days to pick which one we want!! I am sooooo excited!!!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Second Guessing...

Ok, I'm spotting. Which could only be a precursor to my period. A full 4-5 days before I expected it. I don't ever spot for long, so that likely means it will be full force by tonight. What does this mean and why does this make me stop and ponder my previous decisions, you ask? Ok, well you didn't exactly ask, but what the hell, it's my blog, so I'm gonna tell you anyway. Well, what it means is that I could do a March cycle, because that would mean the iui would be all done and over by Easter, instead of landing right smack in the middle of my planned road trip. And as much as I am enjoying the break, I'd also like to get on with it. Ya know. Yeah, I know, you all know.

So, I guess I will see if today or tomorrow ends up being day 1. But I mean if I can squeeze a cycle in, then why not. Once again, it'll be a wait and see.

So the puppy pics are really funny, huh? I loved that Chas' comment said she had no idea what they were. They are funny looking at that age, one of my RL friends said they look like mini cows!!

No new pics yet, and believe me I am anxiously waiting. For a lot of things.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Where I am...

Well, I decided not to do a March cycle. I decided to go away for Easter. I decided my next iui will be in April.

The renos are very nearing completion. Paint is done. Flooring needs to be finished off, and trim needs to go up and then I can move the furniture in. I'm very excited we're getting this close. Mind you we are broke, but what the heck.

With Clark off for our spring break next month, I'm really hoping there will be a lot of progress.

And to leave you all something to ooohhhh over, the long awaited puppy pics. These are the first (and only, as yet) pics I have received and I don't know which one will be ours yet, bit the litter is about 2 days old here. I know they are too darn cute!!! I can't wait!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


I've been kind of a delinquent blogger. Basically, I don't have anything profound to say these days.

Life is plodding along, it amazes me how much less anxiety and turmoil I feel when I'm not doing a medicated cycle. The thought of getting pg is not on the radar and life continues on down it's path.

Peace, I feel a little peace. Oh, don't get me wrong, I know it's fleeting. I know around the corner there's an early morning vomit, or a late period or a follie count that will throw me into a tailspin. I've been around the block enough to know this and still enjoy the fleeting moments of peace I have right now. Without all the see-sawing between hope and despair, there's peace, there's a little peace. It seems as though I haven't felt this in years.

Just living my life, I don't even know what cycle day it is today without counting, or looking at a calendar. Oh, but now that I've had that thought, I think I'll go count.

I wish you all peace, if only for a moment.

Monday, February 11, 2008


Well, as expected, my beta was (-) on Sunday. I already knew as the evidence arrived on Saturday afternoon.

So a month off and then a try for March possibly, only problem is I am away for Easter and it will probably be iui time right around there, so I may skip and do April. Or maybe we'll change the Easter plans, we were expecting to be out of the country. We'll see.

No more puppy news as yet, got some pics I'll post later in the week.

Renos are coming along fantastically! I hired someone to finish the drywall and it will be done and ready for paint tomorrow. Can't wait to get that finished and then re-paint the rest of the mainfloor.

I need something to focus on right now, that's for sure. I am so glad we decided to get this puppy, it fills my heart with something new and beautiful right now and I really need that.

I am doing ok with the news of the bfn. I am not 'devastated' I know there is hope for other months. I am just very disappointed. I keep hoping that this is going to work at some point. I know focussing on the positive is the right thing to do right now.

And what I can say about that is this: We have tons of possiblilities, we know we can get pg, we know that the sperm count was pretty good (7.2 mil- washed, best yet) this cycle, we know I produced 2 nice follies, we know that other than the pc.os, there is nothing majorly wrong with either of us. The RE is optimistic another iui will work for us. They are not saying getting pg is impossible or even unlikely, just more difficult than is for some, we just need to keep playing the odds. They are not saying I can't carry to term. They are saying my 2 m/c seem like crappy luck and no medical reason has come to light as yet.

I am really just trying to focus. On the positive. On today, without looking too far into what the future holds for us. On what I have that I love and enjoy right now in my life. On living for the moment. On living the life I have and not the one I yearn for.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Everything we wait for happens at once...

Well at 15dpIUI it was a BFN. So I think the game is up. B/w on Sunday to confirm. Not surprised. I kind of know now how I feel when I am pg and didn't feel any of that, actually feel completely normal.

I'm sad. It seems like a lot of work for a big fat negative. I haven't had this experience yet, of a bfn on an iui cycle. The world is just full of new experiences. But I know I can get pg, so I guess we try again. I think I was really afraid of a positive. I just couldn't have done the m/c thing again. So I would rather a bfn, then get to pg and lose it.

So, I will speak to the clinic on Sunday when they do my b/w and find out when I can do the next cycle. I am pretty sure that they make you wait a month in between. So it will be at least March. Not really looking forward to another medicated and monitored cycle, but I have to keep trying.

In good news, puppies are here, yup, they were born on Tuesday, a litter of 5 that incudes 3 girls, so it looks like we're getting our little girl!!! Probably sometime around Easter. I am very excited!!!

Do I believe that everything happens for a reason. I guess I have to. There must be a plan for all of us. Thanks for all of your well wishes. It would seem my baby dreams will be on hold a little while longer. I never realized it would get easier with each bfn. I am starting to believe I am chasing a dream, I am not intended to fulfill. But I am not quite ready to give up the chase just yet.

Monday, February 04, 2008


I'm not really sure what to think at this stage of the game. I feel nothing. Nothing to indicate a BFP, nothing to indicate my period is on the way, nothing. It's CD28, which means my period should arrive on Thursday or so. Thursday is also legal testing day.

I was good over the weekend and resisted peeing on any sticks. I may tomorrow morning. The suspense is killing me. And I feel nothing, did I mention that? Maybe my body is just so used to all the hormones etc., it feels normal to me now.

Anyway, it was a pretty good weekend, Clark got all the drywall up in our new room. So now mudding, taping and painting can commence, yeah!!!

No word on the birth of the puppies yet, she's due on Friday, so I'm expecting to hear some news soon. Can't wait. We are still really stuck for a name. Clark and I can't agree. Maybe I'll post a poll when we find out for sure if we are getting a girl.

Super.bowl was fun, didn't watch the game but hung out with all my girlfriends and their kids while the men watched the game. I hate football! Sorry. Actually I hate sports. But the food and the company was good!!!

Well, that's it for now, still creeping through my anxiety waiting for Thurday to arrive so I can officially know if the roller coaster begins again now or in a month when I start iui#3!!! I kind of hope the roller coaster of pg#3 begins immediately, although that would scare the pants off me! Either way, 3 times must be the key!!! Wish me luck!!

Friday, February 01, 2008

9 dpIUI...

OK, I admit, I wasn't going to tell you all, but I broke down and tested today. I know it's too freakin' early, please don't yell at me!! I saw the pretty, shiny peestick in the drawer this morning and I just couldn't resist.

It was of course negative. Not that I really expected a positive at this stage in the game, but what the hell peeing on something made me feel like I was doing something instead of just sitting around here waiting. I also know that at 9dpiui, it wouldn't have mattered what the pee stick said, I wouldn't have believed it. If it had been positive, I would have just thought the trigger hadn't cleared my system, but since it's negative, I think it's too early. It did however confirm to me that the trigger shot clears far faster than my RE's office would lead one to believe.

I really should have just waited, because now I am kind of doubting if it will be a bfp. I feel really nothing, not that what I feel matters since we all know our friend prog.ester*ne fucks with us during this 2ww anyway. I have some twingy cramps, I'm kind of tired, but not overly, not like I remember being right before I found out I was pg. I don't feel sick, I'm really hungry, my boobs don't hurt. I don't know what to make of all of it.

As you may be able to tell I was fairly calm up until today, caosting throught the first half of the 2ww like a veteran. Sometime last night I started over the edge into the insanity of the 2ww. Somehow I got caught up in it. And now I'm pretty much freakin' out. I just want to know. One way or another. I HATE THIS WAITING!! That was me screaming, since I'm at my desk in an office full of people and can't really do it!

I'm glad the weekend is starting and I'll ahve 2 more days under my belt, when I return to work on Monday. God knows I will probably test again on Monday, that would be 11dpiui. Legally I can test on Thursday and that seems like forever away!!!

Please grant me patience!!!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


I really am going to drive myself crazy with the countdown. Not really much to report that's happening. Just trying to keep myself focused and distracted. Luckily work is busy, so that's a good thing.

Usual Prog.esterone symptoms, a little edgy, tired, kind of crampy. Nothing I haven't felt before. I'm still in the back and forth between hope and reality. I hope this works, but really what are the odds of 2 iuis in a row resulting in pg. I can't wait until I get to test. Still a week from Thursday, but I'm hoping it goes by fast.

Anyway, still plodding along on my renos, I feel like there is no end in sight there. But I know it will be all worth it when it's done.

I switched to half decaf, you guys made me feel too guilty. The docs here say a cup a day or a couple of sodas is ok, just nothing extreme. But here in the North country it has been all over the new about how caffeine doubles the m/c rate. Never drank any caffeine with my first 2 pgs and lost both of them! Still, you're all right, it is better to be safe that sorry.

Friday, January 25, 2008


Well the iui went off without much of a hitch. My cervix was playing hide & seek. So it took a few tries, but they got it. Clark's count was at an all time high of 7.2 million (washed)!! So that's good!

In other positive news, I tested negative for any blood clotting disorders. They put me on a l*w as.pirin as a precaution, but everything looked relatively normal.

So, I'm on the countdown. I ended up taking the day of and day after the iui off, for no other reason than I could. I was a bit tired and did some housework and rested the rest of the day.

I already an feeling guilty about anything I am consuming. Today I had one coffee and a sub with lunch meat. God, I have to stop over analyzing this crap. What's everyone's take on the new uproar over caffeine? I'm still drinking my one cup in the morning!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Strange thoughts...

Ok, the big news is that iui#2 is happening on Wednesday, Woo-hoo! Can't wait for that part to be over. Last shots tonight and then, a day off tomorrow and then d-day.

Secondly, I had 2 follies on the right, 1.8cm and 2.0 cm. I think 2 is OK, I would have liked to see 3 or 4, but I guess it lowers the risk of multiples. I have no idea if those are good sizes, I think they are based on what I remember reading on other blogs. I started thinking about this, seems like they are huge to me? I know some docs measure them in mm, so that would be 18mm and 20mm. This again seems gi-normous, does it not? I think these are average sized follies based on my research, but I looked at a ruler and it seems big. I know they burst out of the follie, but still, anyone ever given this any thought? No wonder my ovaries feel as though they are are going to explode. This morning LH was 5 and e2 was 1100 and change. Again, don't know if this is good or bad, but the nurse seemed to think it was fine. Triggering at 10pm.

Turkey baster at 10am Wednesday and then we wait. And wait, and wait some more. If I'm lucky we will see a heartbeat sometime in March. If not we'll give another go 'round. I'm dreading another m/c. I am scared it won't work and I'll have to face a bfn. I am bracing myself for the worst. I am hoping and praying for the best. What else can I do?

I got pics from the breeder of the mom and dad of my new pup! So cute! I will probably end up with 2 dogs and twins or something!!! I will be absolutely fine with that. I will love it. I am hoping that happens!!!

Friday, January 18, 2008


Well, I got from the few comments about my last post, that perhaps, I was over reacting and maybe Clark not dropping everything to drive to the city with me on the weekend, is no biggy? So I started reminding myself of all that I am grateful for and thought I would write a post about all that I am grateful for. I used to do that somewhat regularly and think it is important to remind ourselves of all that we are truly blessed with.

My Grateful List for today, things I love about my life right now:
1. Wonderfully supportive friends and family
2. A fantastic hubby, with whom I still have a strong and wonderful relationship with
3. A job, that I love and fulfills me and offers me flexibility to pursue my dreams
4. A boss that is both my friend and colleague and is uniquely concerned with overall well being
5. Financial stability that affords me many luxuries
6. A house that I love that I can afford in a neighbourhood that is close to my friends and family and our jobs
7. My awesome new car (first one ever-did i post about this)? Which I love to drive
8. My fur-baby, sweet and even tempered, and a little crazy!
9. My extensive spiritual awakening and recent spiritual growth
10.The opportunity and choices I have been blessed with in my life
11. The deep knowledge that I have of who I am
12. That I like the person I am growing into
13. That I am learning to give more of myself to others
14. My awareness that I am not always right
15. The knowledge that no situation is ever as good or as bad as it seems in the moment
16. My mom
17. My best friend
18. That I am learning from my past mistakes and trying everyday to be a better person
19. The journey that I am on
20. The potential new puppy that is due to be born in February!

This was really more for me! A necessary reminder.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Where things stand...

Well, I'm full swing into iui#2. Making the trek a couple times a week into the city for b/w. My first u/s to check follie development is likely on Saturday. The injections as usual are going along fine. The blood draws are killer. They have a hard time finding my veins, it took three pokes yesterday, but they got it. Thankfully, I never was squeamish about needles, this is serving me well now.

I am starting to feel a bit of a toll on my body. Not sure if it is the meds or the getting up early and driving 2 hours before work that I am not used to. But I'm wiped.

I'm really trying to blow this whole thing off as normal and not really a disruption to my life. Clark has another commitment on Saturday, so he won't be joining me for the drive to my u/s. I'm a little disappointed. I totally get that he can't do it during the week. I don't want him to miss work and he already has to on the day I really need him (the actual iui). But I guess I was hoping he would drop everything to join me on his day off. His commitment, as far as I am concerned is not that important (it's sports related). I kind of feel like I give up everything and make all the concessions to try to make this effing baby thing work. I think he could put forth a tiny effort. I know he cares and all that, but really a little pat on the back for me and a touch of support wouldn't hurt. Am I being overly sensitive here? Hormones do that to me.

Anyway. I'm tired and bloated, crampy and feeling kind of crappy, you know the usual during this medicated cycles. But I'm hanging in. I hope all of this is worth it in the end. I keep trying to focus on my positive thoughts.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

This and That...

Wow, I'm a blogging machine these days. I guess I have had a lot to say. Well I'm back at it. made the trek into the city at 6am this morning for blood. Step #1 in iui#2.

Shots to commence tomorrow. 75iu of Pu.reg*n. Until Tuesday and then re-check on the estri.adol. Lots of waiting. I'm not so good at that.

I'm a little apprehensive. This cycle scares me the first one worked so easliy, what are the odds that #2 will be successful, or have they pinpointed the cocktail that makes me get pregnant? I guess we'll see. The suspense is killing me. Especially since a control freak like me has no control over the outcome. I have a feeling it's going to be a long month.

Hopefully ya'll can bear with me and I don't drive us both crazy.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

And there it is...

CD #1. Yup woke up this morning to it. Well no sense in dwelling on it. Today begins iui#2. Shots to commence on Thursday. We'll see how it all plays out.

In other life (the non-IF obsessing part of my life). Here are the reno pics I promised, along with a couple of my fur baby.

New Doors, still Christmas-y!

New Patio Doors to the yard!!

And someone is exhausted by all the renos!

Another month of trying to keep busy and distracted. I am so impatient.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Yes, I'm referring to myself. I took an HPT, it was left over from the 2 pack that I bought to test on the legal luteal day 15 of my last iui cycle. I vowed never to have those retched things in my house, but alas, like an alcoholic, I'm a pee-stick-a-holic and I couldn't stop myself from the shiny wrapper to the cottonly tip, to the smell concealing cap, as soon as I realized I was a day late this month. I had ripped it open and peed on it, before I knew what I was doing was wrong. When to my pee-stick bleary eyes, only one line appeared, I was disappointed. DISAPPOINTED! Am I nuts I ask, how could I be disappointed, how many pee sticks have I peed on? Hundreds? How many of them have been positive, a very small percentage I'm guessing. So why would I ever entertain the idea that it might be possible? I went from thoughtful about the reasons for my pretty regular 30 day cycle to be late, to uncontrollable peeing, to deflated, disappointment in less than 3 minutes. What a ride. I think I'll go pop a few hundred in the nearest slot machine while I'm at it, maybe I'll win my mortgage payment for the month.

I lost control, I vowed to myself to ban those fucking pee sticks from my house, I always remember where I stashed them, although I can't find my keys in the morning before work, or my passport that I left in the car yesterday, I can find pee sticks that I stashed 7 or 8 months ago in the drawer in the spare room. I need a 12 step program, does anybody know where there are meetings for us pee-stick-aholics? I could use some help!!

Anyway, that wrapped up my already draining day and I have no one to blame but myself. I suspect the crimson tide will arrive tomorrow, then on to the new cycle. IUI #2. God, I was hoping to avoid it. Still not sure at this point if I am more afraid of a failed cycle or another bfp. Both have fears of their own.

In update news, the nye trip was a great getaway for Clark and I. We had a blast, drank a few too many, but it was all in good fun and we narrowly missed the snow storm that pummeled southern Ontario on New Year's Day, so all was well. It was a fun couple days of partying and having fun before the somberness (and soberness) of this new iui cycle are upon us.

Still feeling a little blue, maybe my hormones, they always add a nice mix to the emotional cocktail of IF. hopefully this will pass. Next post I promise a picture post.

I need to catch up on what is going on with all of you, I've been very busy catching at work after the holidays, so i'm off to get my fix of blog reading!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

7 Random Things About Me...

Seeing as how I have been an absentee blogger over the holidays, I just noticed wanttobeamom tagged me! My first tag, I am so excited!! So here goes:

7 Random Things About Me:
1. I am on my second marriage, first time around I married my high school sweetheart early in my twenties, it was a 10 year relationship, but only a 2 year marriage. We divorced when I was 24. We were both immature and stupid and I wish I had done many things differently. I'm glad we aren't married anymore, we were so incompatible. But I could have handled a lot of things differently. I am married again and will celebrate my 3rd anniversary in March.
2. I have had the same best friend since we were 12! It's crazy, but awesome. She has been a complete rock throughout my IF ordeal.
3. I love anything with butterflies or dragonflies on it. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's butterflies! My shower curtain, candles, socks, jewellery, oh especially jewellery!
4. I secretly want to get a tattoo but don't because, I am considerably overweight and think it would look gross! If I were skinny, I'd do it.
5. I am pretty seriously overweight, I'm talking a size 18-20, I'm 4'11'' and of course have pcos and it is extremely difficult for me to lose weight. I secretly worry this affects my fertility but have no motivation to change it, I am in complete denial most of the time. It started when I quit smoking at 25, I had never weighed over like 120, until I gained about 40 lbs in 3 or 4 months and have never been able to lose it. I am incredibly embarrassed about how fat I am.
6. I love to travel, I like seeing new places and different cultures. I would go away every six months is I could afford it and my hubby would agree. I really want to go to Europe. I would also like to see Mexico and actually I would pretty much go anywhere, I envy the contestants on the Ra.ce.
7. I have an amazing job in real estate. I am technically self employed, which has a few drawbacks but over all, it's the best job I could ask for, I just wish I made a tiny bit more money.

Hopefully that wasn't too boring. It was actually harder than I thought to do. Happy New Year everyone! I'll post on my nye trip with Clark and an IF update later this week, for now I need to get something accomplished at the office!