Monday, January 22, 2007

Defeated and Deflated

That's my feeling now. I have needed a few days to collect my thoughts before I posted my sad news. They have diagnosed me as having a blighted ovum. So that it is for this pregnancy. I still have had no bleeding or other signs of miscarriage. But my Dr. says it is a missed miscarriage, the embryo dies but the body keeps producing the right hormones.

The 2nd u/s on Friday confirmed the empty gestational sac and no heartbeat. I questioned the staff as to whether this means I was never really pregnant and they said no, just that at some point over the last few weeks the baby just stops developing usually due to chromosomal abnormality.

They assure me that this has no effect on my chances to conceive again or my ability to carry a pregnancy to term. Which, I guess in theory is good news. But in IF land we know that a) nothing is ever guaranteed and b) the conceiving again, may be the stumbling block.

So now I get to go through the gruesome ordeal of waiting to miscarry on my own, taking drugs to induce the miscarriage to having a d&c. I have to admit I am scared to have a d&c, I have this fear that something will go wrong and I'll really never be able to get pregnant again. The thoughts of the drugs are not all that pretty either, but I just can't see waiting for it to happen on it's own, at least with the drugs I can estimate when it will happen and be somewhat in control and prepared. It could take weeks to happen on its own.

None of the choices are appealing. One thing I now for sure is that I will not return to Dr. Optimistic if there is another pregnancy. I hated her bedside manner and lack of compassion for me throughout this ordeal. I will be finding myself another ob/gyn.

I feel strangely at peace, sort of, I think how you would feel if you were drowning. Struggling, struggling, fighting to keep your head up and then once you realize defeat, the pain stops and you feel at peace. The last few weeks have really and truly been the hardest of my life and I feel like the struggle is over, for now.

I also feel like I am experiencing the death of my hopes and dreams. So much of my future was planned around this baby. I am sad to think it ended this way. I think in my heart of hearts, I really knew after the first u/s, that it was over. I think alot of those around me felt that way too, but nobody wanted to think the worst or the negative.

Clark & both agreed we would get over the physical repercussions of this miscarriage and take it easy on the ttc front for a while. I think I will continue with the acupuncture and we will keep trying, but I am going to hold off on the IUI for a bit. I want to give my body a chance to recover before I start bombarding it with drugs again.

I have really, really had to dig deep inside of myself to try and cope with this with any kind of rationality. I keep looking for what I am supposed to learn from this experience. I have kept it together pretty well, I am devastated, but I can only look to the future. I can't change what has already happened.


Chas said...

I am so sorry; that sucks so bad. I know that nothing I say is going to make you feel better. I just wish you lived here so you could see my doc; he is so wonderful. Good luck with whichever avenue you choose.

Kirsten said...

I, too, am so sorry you have had to go through this loss. I completely understand your feelings of calmness though, I always felt that when I got BFN's just because you finally know where you stand.
Please don't lose hope, I know it's hard. I'm praying for you and yours.

Hopeful Mother said...

I am really sorry for your loss.

Inglewood said...

Hope, I am so sorry for your loss.

Just another Jenny said...

I am so sorry. The choices for dealing with the loss don't make it any easier.