Monday, May 26, 2008

I hate being right...

Got the first signs of my period this morning. Beta is actually on Wednesday, but I have some pretty bright red tinges and still a negative pee-stick. So it's over for this cycle.

Clark and I had a pretty good talk last night. I am just realizing that he is going through this emotional process so much slower than I did. I think it hit him for the first time last night that we really could not be able to have kids. I think he has been feeling all along that there has got to be an answer or a remedy. I think he came to the sad realization that there sometimes isn't an answer for these things.

He is going through the anger and denial phase right now. He keeps asking me isn't there something more we can do or another thing that the docs can test us for. We talked about the ivf, we're ready to do it. We don't really have the money but we can get it, we agreed we would do one cycle and see how that ended up for us. There is no way of knowing what the next step after that will be, will we have any frozen embies or will it work the first time or will it be a complete bust! So we're just going to go at it one step at a time.

My feeling right now is to wait until the summer is over. We have some plans and I want a semblance of a normal life for a few months, plus summer is so super busy for me at work that I would better be able to have some time off in September. But then part of me is saying just do it and get it over with!!!

I need some insight from those of you who have been through ivf, how much disruption to m,y life can I expect. Is is similar to iui, with u/s monitoring and b/w. Do I need to be off work during the time between the ER and the transfer? What part of your cycle is the ER, is it around the middle like ovulation? I feel stupid, I know all the ins and outs of iui and have no clue about the ivf thing. How will the drugs affect me? I need some answers before I can figure out a time frame.

But moving forward. In better news Clark has a job interview tonight, so hopefully he will find something permanent and get off the contract roller coaster.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Hope went down the drain...

OK, I did a test this morning and yes, it's only 13dpIUI, but what the heck, can you honestly tell me that I could get a negative today and a positive on Sunday (when it's technically legal to test). I don't think so, I mean really prove me wrong.

So it was of course negative. This is where I start feeling like I am beating my head against a brick wall. 4 iuis since September, 3 of them basically back to back. What the heck does it take me to conceive a baby already!!!

Clark is convinced I am giving up too early. That I just tested too early and he adamantly believes I am pg. I don't know how to let him down easy, so I will just keep it to myself until Sunday and show him the negative test.

It's so frustrating!! I want to scream. I also want to jump head first into plan b, which in our case looks like it's going to be ivf. I feel like the more negatives I see, the more determined I am to make this work, dammit, I know I can have a baby! I am already formulating an ivf plan in my head. I don't want to, it's just where I naturally go. This has been a long hard journey and I just want it to end. I prayed I was pg with twins and then I could have the 2 kids I always wanted and never have to fear not getting pg again. It's all so stupid, I'm wishing my life away. I think we'll try a couple of ivfs and then by the end of 2008, it's move on time. I need to give up on the fantasy.

So discouraged. It seems life in general is just getting both of us down right now. Tired of being kicked while I'm down.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The dreaded 2ww...

I'm in it full swing. IUI#4 went off on Saturday without much of a hitch. Clark's count was decent and things went pretty much according to plan. The nurse felt with my estradiol at only 1500 2 days before, we were only looking at ovulating one egg. One is good, one is fine, one is all it takes.

I have to say I am frighteningly hopeful this month. This is our last try at iuis so maybe I just 'really' want this one to work. But I feel like this could actually work this time. I have been really really tired since Monday and I know I can never tell what are real symptoms and what are just side effects of the progesterone, but I'd like to think being tired is a good sign.

My 2 doggies are doing really well, we started our first puppy obedience with the younger one and I have to say they just add to our lives, they make me laugh and remind me there is some joy in my life, when I really want to melt down and pull my hair out!

So for the moment, I am really trying to be patient and hang in there, although it's hard, at least spring is in the air and I can work on my gardens etc.

I hate being hopeful and I hate being doom and gloom. So where does that leave me?

Monday, May 05, 2008

More Surprises...

Well, my body never does what I expect it will. My period showed up incredibly early again. So I am full swing into iui #4. I can't believe how quickly the time passes when cycling. I went for my first measuring u/s today and have 4 follies. 2 at 1.1 and a 1.2 and a 1.3. I think the 1.1s are probably too small to amount ot anythign but having 2 would be fabulous!!
God, I hope this one works. I really just want to get on with it!!

Happy birthday to me tomorrow.
And for your viewing enjoyment (my girls):