Tuesday, January 29, 2008


I really am going to drive myself crazy with the countdown. Not really much to report that's happening. Just trying to keep myself focused and distracted. Luckily work is busy, so that's a good thing.

Usual Prog.esterone symptoms, a little edgy, tired, kind of crampy. Nothing I haven't felt before. I'm still in the back and forth between hope and reality. I hope this works, but really what are the odds of 2 iuis in a row resulting in pg. I can't wait until I get to test. Still a week from Thursday, but I'm hoping it goes by fast.

Anyway, still plodding along on my renos, I feel like there is no end in sight there. But I know it will be all worth it when it's done.

I switched to half decaf, you guys made me feel too guilty. The docs here say a cup a day or a couple of sodas is ok, just nothing extreme. But here in the North country it has been all over the new about how caffeine doubles the m/c rate. Never drank any caffeine with my first 2 pgs and lost both of them! Still, you're all right, it is better to be safe that sorry.

Friday, January 25, 2008


Well the iui went off without much of a hitch. My cervix was playing hide & seek. So it took a few tries, but they got it. Clark's count was at an all time high of 7.2 million (washed)!! So that's good!

In other positive news, I tested negative for any blood clotting disorders. They put me on a l*w do.se as.pirin as a precaution, but everything looked relatively normal.

So, I'm on the countdown. I ended up taking the day of and day after the iui off, for no other reason than I could. I was a bit tired and did some housework and rested the rest of the day.

I already an feeling guilty about anything I am consuming. Today I had one coffee and a sub with lunch meat. God, I have to stop over analyzing this crap. What's everyone's take on the new uproar over caffeine? I'm still drinking my one cup in the morning!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Strange thoughts...

Ok, the big news is that iui#2 is happening on Wednesday, Woo-hoo! Can't wait for that part to be over. Last shots tonight and then, a day off tomorrow and then d-day.

Secondly, I had 2 follies on the right, 1.8cm and 2.0 cm. I think 2 is OK, I would have liked to see 3 or 4, but I guess it lowers the risk of multiples. I have no idea if those are good sizes, I think they are based on what I remember reading on other blogs. I started thinking about this, seems like they are huge to me? I know some docs measure them in mm, so that would be 18mm and 20mm. This again seems gi-normous, does it not? I think these are average sized follies based on my research, but I looked at a ruler and it seems big. I know they burst out of the follie, but still, anyone ever given this any thought? No wonder my ovaries feel as though they are are going to explode. This morning LH was 5 and e2 was 1100 and change. Again, don't know if this is good or bad, but the nurse seemed to think it was fine. Triggering at 10pm.

Turkey baster at 10am Wednesday and then we wait. And wait, and wait some more. If I'm lucky we will see a heartbeat sometime in March. If not we'll give another go 'round. I'm dreading another m/c. I am scared it won't work and I'll have to face a bfn. I am bracing myself for the worst. I am hoping and praying for the best. What else can I do?

I got pics from the breeder of the mom and dad of my new pup! So cute! I will probably end up with 2 dogs and twins or something!!! I will be absolutely fine with that. I will love it. I am hoping that happens!!!

Friday, January 18, 2008


Well, I got from the few comments about my last post, that perhaps, I was over reacting and maybe Clark not dropping everything to drive to the city with me on the weekend, is no biggy? So I started reminding myself of all that I am grateful for and thought I would write a post about all that I am grateful for. I used to do that somewhat regularly and think it is important to remind ourselves of all that we are truly blessed with.

My Grateful List for today, things I love about my life right now:
1. Wonderfully supportive friends and family
2. A fantastic hubby, with whom I still have a strong and wonderful relationship with
3. A job, that I love and fulfills me and offers me flexibility to pursue my dreams
4. A boss that is both my friend and colleague and is uniquely concerned with overall well being
5. Financial stability that affords me many luxuries
6. A house that I love that I can afford in a neighbourhood that is close to my friends and family and our jobs
7. My awesome new car (first one ever-did i post about this)? Which I love to drive
8. My fur-baby, sweet and even tempered, and a little crazy!
9. My extensive spiritual awakening and recent spiritual growth
10.The opportunity and choices I have been blessed with in my life
11. The deep knowledge that I have of who I am
12. That I like the person I am growing into
13. That I am learning to give more of myself to others
14. My awareness that I am not always right
15. The knowledge that no situation is ever as good or as bad as it seems in the moment
16. My mom
17. My best friend
18. That I am learning from my past mistakes and trying everyday to be a better person
19. The journey that I am on
20. The potential new puppy that is due to be born in February!

This was really more for me! A necessary reminder.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Where things stand...

Well, I'm full swing into iui#2. Making the trek a couple times a week into the city for b/w. My first u/s to check follie development is likely on Saturday. The injections as usual are going along fine. The blood draws are killer. They have a hard time finding my veins, it took three pokes yesterday, but they got it. Thankfully, I never was squeamish about needles, this is serving me well now.

I am starting to feel a bit of a toll on my body. Not sure if it is the meds or the getting up early and driving 2 hours before work that I am not used to. But I'm wiped.

I'm really trying to blow this whole thing off as normal and not really a disruption to my life. Clark has another commitment on Saturday, so he won't be joining me for the drive to my u/s. I'm a little disappointed. I totally get that he can't do it during the week. I don't want him to miss work and he already has to on the day I really need him (the actual iui). But I guess I was hoping he would drop everything to join me on his day off. His commitment, as far as I am concerned is not that important (it's sports related). I kind of feel like I give up everything and make all the concessions to try to make this effing baby thing work. I think he could put forth a tiny effort. I know he cares and all that, but really a little pat on the back for me and a touch of support wouldn't hurt. Am I being overly sensitive here? Hormones do that to me.

Anyway. I'm tired and bloated, crampy and feeling kind of crappy, you know the usual during this medicated cycles. But I'm hanging in. I hope all of this is worth it in the end. I keep trying to focus on my positive thoughts.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

This and That...

Wow, I'm a blogging machine these days. I guess I have had a lot to say. Well I'm back at it. made the trek into the city at 6am this morning for blood. Step #1 in iui#2.

Shots to commence tomorrow. 75iu of Pu.reg*n. Until Tuesday and then re-check on the estri.adol. Lots of waiting. I'm not so good at that.

I'm a little apprehensive. This cycle scares me the first one worked so easliy, what are the odds that #2 will be successful, or have they pinpointed the cocktail that makes me get pregnant? I guess we'll see. The suspense is killing me. Especially since a control freak like me has no control over the outcome. I have a feeling it's going to be a long month.

Hopefully ya'll can bear with me and I don't drive us both crazy.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

And there it is...

CD #1. Yup woke up this morning to it. Well no sense in dwelling on it. Today begins iui#2. Shots to commence on Thursday. We'll see how it all plays out.

In other life (the non-IF obsessing part of my life). Here are the reno pics I promised, along with a couple of my fur baby.

New Doors, still Christmas-y!

New Patio Doors to the yard!!

And someone is exhausted by all the renos!

Another month of trying to keep busy and distracted. I am so impatient.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Yes, I'm referring to myself. I took an HPT, it was left over from the 2 pack that I bought to test on the legal luteal day 15 of my last iui cycle. I vowed never to have those retched things in my house, but alas, like an alcoholic, I'm a pee-stick-a-holic and I couldn't stop myself from the shiny wrapper to the cottonly tip, to the smell concealing cap, as soon as I realized I was a day late this month. I had ripped it open and peed on it, before I knew what I was doing was wrong. When to my pee-stick bleary eyes, only one line appeared, I was disappointed. DISAPPOINTED! Am I nuts I ask, how could I be disappointed, how many pee sticks have I peed on? Hundreds? How many of them have been positive, a very small percentage I'm guessing. So why would I ever entertain the idea that it might be possible? I went from thoughtful about the reasons for my pretty regular 30 day cycle to be late, to uncontrollable peeing, to deflated, disappointment in less than 3 minutes. What a ride. I think I'll go pop a few hundred in the nearest slot machine while I'm at it, maybe I'll win my mortgage payment for the month.

I lost control, I vowed to myself to ban those fucking pee sticks from my house, I always remember where I stashed them, although I can't find my keys in the morning before work, or my passport that I left in the car yesterday, I can find pee sticks that I stashed 7 or 8 months ago in the drawer in the spare room. I need a 12 step program, does anybody know where there are meetings for us pee-stick-aholics? I could use some help!!

Anyway, that wrapped up my already draining day and I have no one to blame but myself. I suspect the crimson tide will arrive tomorrow, then on to the new cycle. IUI #2. God, I was hoping to avoid it. Still not sure at this point if I am more afraid of a failed cycle or another bfp. Both have fears of their own.

In update news, the nye trip was a great getaway for Clark and I. We had a blast, drank a few too many, but it was all in good fun and we narrowly missed the snow storm that pummeled southern Ontario on New Year's Day, so all was well. It was a fun couple days of partying and having fun before the somberness (and soberness) of this new iui cycle are upon us.

Still feeling a little blue, maybe my hormones, they always add a nice mix to the emotional cocktail of IF. hopefully this will pass. Next post I promise a picture post.

I need to catch up on what is going on with all of you, I've been very busy catching at work after the holidays, so i'm off to get my fix of blog reading!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

7 Random Things About Me...

Seeing as how I have been an absentee blogger over the holidays, I just noticed wanttobeamom tagged me! My first tag, I am so excited!! So here goes:

7 Random Things About Me:
1. I am on my second marriage, first time around I married my high school sweetheart early in my twenties, it was a 10 year relationship, but only a 2 year marriage. We divorced when I was 24. We were both immature and stupid and I wish I had done many things differently. I'm glad we aren't married anymore, we were so incompatible. But I could have handled a lot of things differently. I am married again and will celebrate my 3rd anniversary in March.
2. I have had the same best friend since we were 12! It's crazy, but awesome. She has been a complete rock throughout my IF ordeal.
3. I love anything with butterflies or dragonflies on it. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's butterflies! My shower curtain, candles, socks, jewellery, oh especially jewellery!
4. I secretly want to get a tattoo but don't because, I am considerably overweight and think it would look gross! If I were skinny, I'd do it.
5. I am pretty seriously overweight, I'm talking a size 18-20, I'm 4'11'' and of course have pcos and it is extremely difficult for me to lose weight. I secretly worry this affects my fertility but have no motivation to change it, I am in complete denial most of the time. It started when I quit smoking at 25, I had never weighed over like 120, until I gained about 40 lbs in 3 or 4 months and have never been able to lose it. I am incredibly embarrassed about how fat I am.
6. I love to travel, I like seeing new places and different cultures. I would go away every six months is I could afford it and my hubby would agree. I really want to go to Europe. I would also like to see Mexico and actually I would pretty much go anywhere, I envy the contestants on the Amaz.ing Ra.ce.
7. I have an amazing job in real estate. I am technically self employed, which has a few drawbacks but over all, it's the best job I could ask for, I just wish I made a tiny bit more money.

Hopefully that wasn't too boring. It was actually harder than I thought to do. Happy New Year everyone! I'll post on my nye trip with Clark and an IF update later this week, for now I need to get something accomplished at the office!