Saturday, January 06, 2007

Scared and Worried

That pretty much describes how I feel today. I woke up earlier than usual. Just too upset and distraught to sleep. When does this infertility nightmare end? When you finally go home with a baby in your arms?

I guess I have been a little cocky, but I like to refer to it as more as optimistic. I am not even sure if I have cause to be worried, which is the most frustrating thing of all. All of RL friends have reassured me that it is still very early and hard to see anything at this point. But I keep reading all the blogs were everyone here in IF blogland that had a successful outcome was able to hear the heartbeat. So do I think that something is wrong or do I just keep believing that it's early, because this was an unmedicated cycle and we were supposed to be on a bit of a break, I didn't do any OPTs or anything this time. So maybe my dates are off by a few days, that is possible. OK, not sure if I am grasping at straws here.

Why on this IF coaster does everything have to be so dramatic and stressful. I had envisioned Clark and I in the ultrasound room, me with my belly bared and him at my side and watching our little bean on the screen and hearing the healthy little thud-thud of it's tiny heart. Is that too much to ask? No I get this hour long drama session, that I might add was a little painful as she kept pushing and pushing on my stomach, which was really full (I had to pee 5 times before I wasn't too full for her to get a decent reading) trying to hear the little bean. But no luck.

Let's just say it wasn't how I dreamed my first u/s would go once I found I was pregnant. It seems such a cruel joke that all of us try so hard to get PG and then have it all ripped away from us in an instant. I know many of you out there have dealt with loss and even being faced with this possibility has me shaking in my boots! I know I will get through and deal, because that's what I have to do. But god I pray that I don't have to.

Clark refuses to be pessimistic, he keeps telling me everything will be fine and to try not to worry. I am sure all of my friends think I am a drama queen at this point. But they really are as supportive as they can be without having first hand knowledge of IF. They all reassured me that if something were seriously wrong the u/s tech would not make me wait a week to see my doc, and that they would get in touch right away.

I can't help but going over all of the negative scenarios in my head, I know this so unhealthy, but I just can't help it. I am afraid to read too much on the internet right now for fear I will read something and think, oh god, that's what it is.

The only good news I can muster out of all of this is that I know now for sure that it is not ectopic. I know there is only one bean in there and I just pray that he/she sticks around. Oh how I pray.


Kirsten said...

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, Hope, it's just not fair. Please try not to read to much on the internet...I have found that that just makes things so much worse because it seems there is so much more negative information out there than positive.
And you are right, since this was an umedicated cycle you might be a few days off. There is no telling but I know it's impossible not to worry about it.
I will keep you in my prayers and hope that time passes quickly so that you hear from your dr. soon. I'm praying for your little bean, too.
Keep us updated...wishing you the best.

Chas said...

Try your hardest not to compare your pregnancy to all of those other pregnancies you're reading about. It's all so different for everyone. I wouldn't even read other pregnancy blogs when I was going through it b/c I seemed to be having such a harder time than everyone else.