Monday, January 29, 2007

Moving Forward...

Well, the worst is over. I have had a hard time collecting my thoughts and have not been able to do a post justice, so I have remained quiet for a few days.

But, the choice ended up being made for me. My hormone levels were too high for the medications and the D&C was the only option. Which in the end probably would have been the decision I made anyway, all the others were just too painful. The D&C was on Friday and went fairly well. No complications. The bleeding pretty well stopped by last night. I have been trying to do some reading on what I am supposed to do next. Most information I have found suggests waiting for your first period following the D&C to resume ttc. This could be anywhere from 2-8 weeks.

I have a follow up with Dr. Optimistic in 2 weeks and another quantitative HCG, to see where my levels are now. All that I have read indicates that your period and normal cycle should resume a few weeks after the level is zero.

Not that I feel in a big rush to get right back on the horse. But I am certainly not going to do anything to prevent another pregnancy. I just find that completely incomprehensible. But I also don't have delusions of finding myself pregnant in a month's time, not that isn't possible, it just doesn't seem likely. So I think where I stand now is to wait for my period and then get back at acupuncture and active ttc.

I am not ready to proceed with the iui right now. I need some time, I think. I am doing fairly well, the physical aspects of the loss where much less than what I had anticipated. I am very disappointed and scared I will never achieve a pregnancy again. But I think these are normal feelings, or at least I hope they are.

So now, I just need to figure out how I pick myself up and dust myself off, and continue to move forward. I have learned many lessons through this process, the biggest being patience, and confidence in my own personal strength. The next being, lack of control, it has really made me realize, that I can't micro-manage or out-think this infertility problem, it's out of my hands for the most part. I need to keep these things in mind as I move forward through this pain.

1 comment:

Kirsten said...

I am so glad to hear from you and that you are healing. It's been a tough few weeks for you so please take care of yourself.
And, yes, your feelings of fear & anxiety are completely normal! I still have bad thoughts every day that something might happen but I just do my best to push them out of my mind as soon as I can. I am sure this is a normal thing with all women dealing with infertility.
Hope you are feeling better with each passing day!