Well, I am just living life, anticipating the start of iui #4. This will be our last iui attempt before moving onto ivf.
I should expect my period, I think around May 4th, so then will begin my next cycle. Just in time for my 32nd birthday, I really can't believe a-that I am going to be 32? How did I get to be this old, I swear to you I was 21 only yesterday? And b-that I am still doing this baby thing. I laugh to think when I started trying just after my 29th birthday, that not only did I firmly believe I would be pg in the first couple months, I thought I would be holding a baby in my 30th year. And yet here I am still wondering if that will ever happen, let alone when.
The imminent approach of my birthday also gives me cause to reflect on how my feelings and sense of desperation about parenthood have changed in the last 2 and a half years. I actually find myself wondering if maybe I would be better off without kids, then I catch myself thinking this and feel guilty that I am somehow wishing myself not pregnant.
But as I enjoy my time to myself and with my puppies and Clark, I wonder maybe if the grass does always seem greener on the other side of the fence. Maybe I will never know what I missed. Maybe I will be ok after all if kids never happen for us. Maybe I will forever enjoy sleeping until 10 on a Saturday. Maybe I have finally lost the last shred of sanity I have.
I really enjoy the months off cycling when I don't have to think about the baby thing and I just live this life that is before me. I drink what I want and I have coffee and just live recklessly. Maybe this is it for me. And I'm happy, I have put a lot of work into creating the life that I wanted and I always thought that that life would include kids, but that is just not panning out for me. There is a pang of sorrow when I see my friends with there kids. Am I talking myself into stopping before ivf?
I'm all over the place. I have to stop thinking so far in advance and just get through the next iui.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Well, the iui was again unsuccessful. Man, this is so frustrating. The sad part is, for me, at least, it seems to get easier with each bfn. It's as though, the dream is very distant now, not like it was in the beginning, where, I just thought it will happen. Now, I'm not so sure. So needless to say it has been a freakin' rough week, between the funeral and the bfn and everything, I'm feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed.
On the infertility front, the RE, I think is going ot let us do one more iui. He really only wanted to do three and we have done three, but #1 was partly successful, at least I did get pregnant. Anyway, with all my history and the improvement in Clark's count, we are going to try one more.
Here in Canada most of the stuff for the iui is covered, I have drug coverage through Clark's work, so all in all, an iui only costs us about $200 out of pocket. And I am sooo grateful for that. I know so many people that aren't as lucky as us, especially all my girls in the U.S. One cycle of ivf would probably cost $4500-5000, for us, and believe me, I also know that is cheap compared to what some people have to pay. So don't get me wrong I am not whining, I am just trying to be realistic about our financial goals vs. our fertility goals. I hate to have to balance the 2 things, but let's face it, that's a reality for those of us facing infertility treatments, where do you draw the line. And as I have tried to explain to me fertile IRL friends who have never had to face this dilemma, if you told me I could pay $5000 and walk out of the hospital in 9 months with a real live baby, you wouldn't be able to see me for dust on my way to the RE clinic. BUT, and there is a very big BUT, what if we end up doing 2 or 3 or 5 ivf cycles? Then we're 10, or 20, or 25000 in the hole and what if we do all that and still don't get a baby out of it. That's where I am in my head.
All that being said, I will give ivf a shot and probably more than one. We are also blessed in the fact that we can afford to do a couple cycles of ivf. I mean, we don't have 10 grand sitting around in a cookie jar anywhere, but we do have the means (and by means, I mean credit) to be able to access that money. We have little debt, a house with some equity and a generous line of credit. So it's possible. I just don't want to re-mortgage my house and then wind up childless in the end anyway. Are these crazy thoughts? Do other people think this way?
So, trying not to put the cart before the horse. We are going to give one more try to the iui and then we'll take it from there.
In upbeat news, here are some pics of my babies: