Well, I am just living life, anticipating the start of iui #4. This will be our last iui attempt before moving onto ivf.
I should expect my period, I think around May 4th, so then will begin my next cycle. Just in time for my 32nd birthday, I really can't believe a-that I am going to be 32? How did I get to be this old, I swear to you I was 21 only yesterday? And b-that I am still doing this baby thing. I laugh to think when I started trying just after my 29th birthday, that not only did I firmly believe I would be pg in the first couple months, I thought I would be holding a baby in my 30th year. And yet here I am still wondering if that will ever happen, let alone when.
The imminent approach of my birthday also gives me cause to reflect on how my feelings and sense of desperation about parenthood have changed in the last 2 and a half years. I actually find myself wondering if maybe I would be better off without kids, then I catch myself thinking this and feel guilty that I am somehow wishing myself not pregnant.
But as I enjoy my time to myself and with my puppies and Clark, I wonder maybe if the grass does always seem greener on the other side of the fence. Maybe I will never know what I missed. Maybe I will be ok after all if kids never happen for us. Maybe I will forever enjoy sleeping until 10 on a Saturday. Maybe I have finally lost the last shred of sanity I have.
I really enjoy the months off cycling when I don't have to think about the baby thing and I just live this life that is before me. I drink what I want and I have coffee and just live recklessly. Maybe this is it for me. And I'm happy, I have put a lot of work into creating the life that I wanted and I always thought that that life would include kids, but that is just not panning out for me. There is a pang of sorrow when I see my friends with there kids. Am I talking myself into stopping before ivf?
I'm all over the place. I have to stop thinking so far in advance and just get through the next iui.