Wednesday, April 23, 2008

On to IUI #4...

Well, I am just living life, anticipating the start of iui #4. This will be our last iui attempt before moving onto ivf.

I should expect my period, I think around May 4th, so then will begin my next cycle. Just in time for my 32nd birthday, I really can't believe a-that I am going to be 32? How did I get to be this old, I swear to you I was 21 only yesterday? And b-that I am still doing this baby thing. I laugh to think when I started trying just after my 29th birthday, that not only did I firmly believe I would be pg in the first couple months, I thought I would be holding a baby in my 30th year. And yet here I am still wondering if that will ever happen, let alone when.

The imminent approach of my birthday also gives me cause to reflect on how my feelings and sense of desperation about parenthood have changed in the last 2 and a half years. I actually find myself wondering if maybe I would be better off without kids, then I catch myself thinking this and feel guilty that I am somehow wishing myself not pregnant.

But as I enjoy my time to myself and with my puppies and Clark, I wonder maybe if the grass does always seem greener on the other side of the fence. Maybe I will never know what I missed. Maybe I will be ok after all if kids never happen for us. Maybe I will forever enjoy sleeping until 10 on a Saturday. Maybe I have finally lost the last shred of sanity I have.

I really enjoy the months off cycling when I don't have to think about the baby thing and I just live this life that is before me. I drink what I want and I have coffee and just live recklessly. Maybe this is it for me. And I'm happy, I have put a lot of work into creating the life that I wanted and I always thought that that life would include kids, but that is just not panning out for me. There is a pang of sorrow when I see my friends with there kids. Am I talking myself into stopping before ivf?

I'm all over the place. I have to stop thinking so far in advance and just get through the next iui.

5 comments:

Fertilized said...

Birthdays have a tendency to make you think all over the place

Chas said...

I'm really hoping this IUI is the one for you!

I think it's really, really normal to feel like you do. Every step is a big one, and I think everyone probably goes back and forth a bit.

Kirsten said...

I think it's totally natural and definitely a good thing that you are thinking through the "what if's"...and it sounds like you will be okay whatever life turns out to be for you, and that is the most important thing.
Having a baby is such an extremely huge change...I can remember before we had IVF (and before I knew I was dealing with IF), I wondered if I was up to the challenge because, like you, I really loved how our lives were, just the two of us and our dogs. It was such a different life then. Not that it was better, just different.
Anyway...I don't want to get too deep here but I am just glad to see that you are exploring the options, it just seems like the healthy thing to do (though I'll continue to pray for a successful cycle this time for you guys!!!)

Mel said...

It's always good to hear that someone else thinks the same way as me! Sometimes I think I am crazy with how much my thoughts about children and pregnancy bounce back and forth so much... I am wishing you luck on this next IUI cycle and hoping things just work out perfectly.
*hugs*

Pink said...

Good Luck with your next IUI cycle! We never made it to IUI #4, but I think I will be triggering tomorrow, so I am excited!! The time is here! So glad you added me to your blog list! thanks girlie!!