Monday, June 26, 2006

The Laparoscopy

It went well. One minor complication with the lower incision. It started to bleed too much and I was required to stay over night in the hospital for observation, due to the loss of blood and low blood count. But all in all, it wasn't too bad.

I have been pretty sore at the lower incision site, but nothing unbearable. I return to the doctor on Thursday to have the stitches removed.

The results were the best I could have expected. The DR did find partial blockages in both tubes and thinks she was able to clear them out and all other reproductive organs look good! So hopefully we have fixed at least one cause of the problem.

I resist the urge to get too optimistic and hope that this will be the miracle cure that will make all my dreams come true. But am cautiously optimistic that we are at least moving in the right direction.

I am back at work today, although still pretty tender, but I have a desk job, that doesn't require me to move around alot, so I am doing pretty well.

As for the future, I think this month is out, I should be ovulating on Friday and am unsure if sex will be in the picture at that point, but we'll see, I'm not ruling anything out at this point. This is my second month off the clomid, so I will give it a try if my body allows it this week. Otherwise, we are back on the clomid next month and we'll give it our all then.

My DR feels the next 3 months are going to be my best shot. Let's have a little hope I guess. It sure would be nice to have a spring 2007 baby. But again I must remind myself to proceed with cautious optimism. There is such a fine line and short time between hope and disappointment.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Ready, set, go!

Well, I just endured a horrific weekend! I volunteered to host Father's Day brunch for 10 of our closest family members. Did I know the kitchen sinks were going to back up and the dishwasher was going to overflow, 15 minutes before the scheduled arrival of our guests - no! Yup, that was my weekend. I spent much of Sunday mopping up water and doing the dishes in the laundry sink in the basement. Trust me, it sucked!

But it did keep my mind off the upcoming LAP. AF arrived on Friday as scheduled. Clark was more disappointed than I was. (I didn't tell him about the BFN). I knew. So I feel like I have to re-evaluate my plan each and every month. Although it is getting easier, which really surprises me, maybe my shock and disbelief are minimizing. I don't feel the sense of desperation I felt 6 months ago. I am becoming more numb to the BFNs and I cry less about it. I am also really surprised at how much my feelings toward all of this IF stuff have changed in the past six months. I started reading 'A Few Good Eggs' (AFGE) last night. I only read a couple chapters but it got me thinking about what my plan is and what I really want. I also read Jenny's post and comments about heart's desire and what I really want.

I think at this point in time, (I seem to change my mind weekly), I want to be pregnant. I know, duh!!! But I mean, I want to be a parent, but I want to do it on my terms. I have not given up the hope for a biological child, that I am pregnant with and give birth to and nurse and bring home from the hospital. That's my heart's desire. Clark's not evening willing to discuss adoption or anything else at this point (other than IUI and IVF with our own eggs and sperm), and I finally admit to myself neither am I.

So the plan, do the LAP, hope that helps in clearing things out in some way. Give my good friend clomid another 3 months and then IUI. I am feeling a little emotionally drained about all of it. But less desperation and despair.

I have stopped asking why me, and have focused my sights on the prize. I have stopped measuring my success by other people and started focusing on me and how I can help myself. I feel I have made many mental shifts this month. Before I just felt mental.

OK, I am rambling. I have one regret and that is I have told too many people about our journey. But I can't just brush it under the carpet, it has become a major part of who I am and how I view the world. Besides, it's too late, it's out, loud and proud! One thing AFGE reminded me is that I shouldn't feel ashamed about my sub-fertility, it's not my fault and it's not something anyone deserves, it's just shitty luck. And that is something we all need to remember.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Tested ... BFN

I tested Wednesday, got another BFN. AF is arriving today!

Not much else to say today. LAP on Wednesday. Better luck next month.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Quick Update...

Ok, the quick update, is that I didn't test this morning, but I think I will tomorrow. I mean I might as well get the disappointment out of the way so I can deal with preparing for my surgery.

Of course, there is still a shred of me that is emotional writing this and wants to believe that I am PG. But, the realistic part of me knows it isn't likely. Clark is very optimistic, I think partly he feels guilty that it is me doing the LAP and if I am PG that solves all the issues. I wish I could be more positive, but I can't. I have developed far too close a relationship with disappointment this year to hold out too much hope. That only makes it worse in the end.

Part of me will still have something crossed for luck...

Monday, June 12, 2006

Hangin out, trying to RELAX...

I almost feel like relax is a dirty word. And I don't want to hear it. But I've said it myself, I really am hanging out trying to relax.

My LAP is a go for the 21st of June. 9 days. I am 10 DPO today and deparately want to test. I bought an HPT at Wal-mart on my lunch today, because I ran out of the internet cheapies (although I have an order in for 50 opts and 15 hpts). So now I can stare at the HPT box everyday and debate with myself if I am going to test.

I kind of partly feel like, why bother? I have seen so many negative HPTs that I don't need to see another. I know AF is due on Thursday or Friday, so why can't I just wait? I know if I don't have AF by next week they will do a PG test at the hospital before my LAP. But... I want to know!!!

I day dreamed in the car today, about how I would tell Clark, how I would wait until father's day and give him a card. I know how thrilled he would be! Why do I get myself all worked up. The chances are slim, on a non-medicated cycle.

But I can't help but dream, I want to make both are dreams come true so badly. If only wishing could make it so. If only...

OK, so I am asking the universe, please make all our dreams come true, please send us the child we long for. Maybe I will test tomorrow or maybe I won't. I guess I'll end this post the same way I have ended so many others, we'll see...

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The results are in...

And they were pretty good! The first time I have started feeling optimistic about this whole TTC journey. Maybe it is not hopeless? He is still in the low end of normal, but much better. 48 million to be exact with 80% motility, which is a great increase over only the 30% previously.

So I am scheduled for my LAP on June 21. A little nervous, but you know we can never let them see us sweat! Dr. Optimistic thinks we have the greatest chance of conceiving in the 3 months following the surgery. So we have revised our game plan a little bit and are putting off the RE referral for now. Which I am good with because I really hope we can do this on our terms. So another 3 months of clomid (ok, not so happy about that, but gotta do it) following the surgery and then we regroup if there are no results by then. At least we have a plan.

Emotionally I am feeling much stronger, for now. So just keep moving forward. I feel a little less bitter, but it could just be the lack of clomid! I will do my best to remain positive.