Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Flat on my back...

That's where I have been since Friday, they gave me mis.pros.tol to induce the miscarriage. It was incredibly painful the first night. It was not a fun weekend. Had a f/u u/s on Monday to see if the gestational sac had passed. It had not. Another round of the drug for another 48 hours. Currently doing that and lots of tyle.nol 3.

I am very tired and have extreme cramps and finally alot of bleeding. Another u/s on Friday to make sure all is clear. Followed by weekly blood draws to monitor dropping of hcg.

The RE told me not to speculate too much about the future. They need testing to confirm the problem and then we'll take it one step at time from there. I need to wait 6-8 weeks following a zero beta to start testing.

It looks like it will be a long winter, and likely well into the new year before we can get any firm answers or start another cycle. Thanks again for so many encouraging comments. It has helped more than you will ever know.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Information Required...

I wish I knew more about what was happening with my body. I know I'll get some answers eventually. But right now I need to know.

How is this miscarriage going to play out. Nothing, and I mean nothing is happening not even so much as spotting. So I have the call the RE clinic tomorrow, then they say they will give me drugs to cause the miscarriage.

What is this whole clotting issue. I tried to do a bit of research about MTHR etc. but does any one have any first hand knowledge about this. Can they fix this. What does this mean for me long term?

I am just so full of questions right now and seem to have very little answers. I hope I get an appointment with the RE to discuss everything. I'm all over the place. Back to work today. But I just want to move onto the next step.

Monday, October 22, 2007

The road to acceptance...

I just read all of your wonderful comments! You all have touched my heart during horrible time. So thank you, thank you so much.

I'll be ok, I just need a while to lick my wounds.


I couldn't think of a more appropriate title for this post. So sorry to any of you that are offended by that kind of language.

So yes, bad news. No heartbeat. Gestational and yolk sac measuring only six weeks. Fuck. Same as last time. Only now this suggests a reoccurring problem, not just a fluke.

I am dealing. I am going for lunch and to day drink. I think I'm taking a few days off work.

They will wait for my period or induce it. Then testing for clotting issues is the next step. Yay! I get to enter recurrent pg loss testing. Great.


It's over. The hope, it's over, only to be replaced by bitterness. I am angry, Clark asked me who at and I'm not sure yet.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Thank God It's Friday!

3 more days! Can't wait. I'll be posting happy results on Monday I just know it, but don't stop keeping us in your prayers.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Still here...

All I have to say or think about today is man am I tired! I didn't sleep well at all last night. Couldn't get comfortable. Boobs hurt, Clark was snoring, the dog was hogging the bed. I finally went into the other bedroom at 2am, watched tv for an hour or so and then fell asleep for a few hours. But I'm beat.

I know there is only much more of this to come, so I'd better get used to it and I'm not complaining! I'll take every pg affliction going to get to the end of the road with this one. I'm very cautious about lifting stuff. I feel pretty lazy, I just sit back and watch everyone do the work. How concerned should I be about lifting stuff?

Oh well, almost another day down and tomorrow TGIF!!! Then I just have to get through the weekend. And Monday will be here!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Time is actually flying by!

I have been really busy, so time is ticking away. We are seriously starting our renos on Friday night. Clark is demolishing and then we are getting new doors on Monday and the roof fixed next week. So we have lot of other things to think about and do to keep us busy.

I bought my first maternity shirt. Couldn't help myself the price was right and it was cute! I also bought some belly cream! Not that I need it just yet, but I was in the drug store (picking up my pro.metrium refill) and they had 3 bottles of belly lotion (3 different types, oil, lotion and cream - all palmers) for 20 bucks! Plus you got a free baby name book. So how could I resist that. I figure that's enough belly cream to get me through until June and I could always use a name book - it the Mot.her of A.ll Bab.y Na.me Boo.ks, I skimmed it last night and it looks decent.

Anyway. I hanging in and doing ok for now. I just hope I will be able to share happy, wonderful news with you all on Monday. I actually can't believe it's only 5 days away now. When I started this countdown it seemed like forever. I'm actually excited to see my little bun!! I was also really excited to see my ticker hit 7 weeks today!!! Yeah!

I feel like the stressful time is about to get better, once I get through the hurdle of the u/s, then the next big milestone is hitting 13 weeks and the second tri. I think I get a second u/s at 12 weeks which will be reassuring. I don't even have a dr as yet. The RE needs to refer me to an OB in the big city since I don't want to mess around with the rinky-dink drs in this town. Which will happen on Monday, the RE clinic releases me then if all looks good! I will be more than pleased to graduate and start acting like a normal pg person! I think my xmas I might be a believer!

I have been scoping out baby paraphernalia in stores and maternity clothes and I can't believe how much of a fraud I feel like. I keep looking at all the people around me thinking they know, they know. And then I think they know what? I AM PG! So why do I feel like a fraud, is it that I don't really believe it yet? I don't know, but I can't wait until I can strut my belly right into bab.ies r. u.s and feel proud!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

6 days to go...

Until that blessed u/s. Well I have made it this far, sanity mostly intact. I feel no different. Still a little tired but the energy level has improved this week. Still a bit of food aversion but no major m/s. Still a little early for that maybe?

Well I'm still counting down the days and praying. God, I hope everything is OK. I want to see my little bun with the little heart beating away. I think if I can make it until the weekend, I'll be ok.

Working on staying as distracted as possible, the weekend was a nice and welcome distraction. Work is a tad boring right now which isn't that helpful. Oh well, one day at a time.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Embracing Hope...

Well as you may have noticed. I took the plunge and posted a ticker. Mostly because I was sick of trying to figure out exactly how many weeks and days I am. Also because I really want to embrace this pregnancy.

We're headed out of town for the weekend to friends. It should be a nice distraction and when I get back to work on Monday, only one week to go!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Reminders from Blogland...

I always appreciate the comments from everyone and I'm sure a lot of you must be sick of my constant obsessing and impatience over this whole thing. Although I know many of you relate to many of the feelings I have. But I really want to thank you for reminding me that I am pregnant right now. And I am enjoying it and I thank you for reminding me to be thankful for what I have right at this moment. I just know how it feels when it all comes crashing down and I keep hoping, hoping and praying that all will end well.

What I really want to be doing is shouting it from the roof tops! I'm gonna be a mom! We're gonna have a baby! Isn't it wonderful, isn't it a miracle. I want to tell every single person I meet, I want to talk about it 24-7, what we're going to name the baby. Where the baby will sleep, what the nursery will look like, will I breast feed, is it a boy or girl, is it more than one? Will I come back to work full time, how long will I work for, until 2 weeks before, 3 weeks? So many plans to make and so many people to share our joy with. That's what I want to be doing.

But for now I feel like it is my little secret from the world. I walk around with this silly smile on my face knowing my little secret and just waiting for the moment I can share it. I hope this moment is soon. I want to buy everything, I want to know what I'm having. I am so freaking happy I can barely contain myself and there is no denying this no matter how reserved I try to be about it. There is just this nagging little doubt in the back of my mind that says, don't get too excited, don't get too attached, don't put all your eggs in this basket, just in case. Just in case the worst happens again. But it doesn't matter I already love this baby more than anything. I am already attached and already committed. How can I not be? I am so thankful for these last couple weeks, I feel like all of my dreams are within reach, the finish line is in sight I just need to keep going a few more miles.

So please keep praying for continued success for the little bun and I'll keep trying to be optimistic and positive. And I can never express how thankful I am to all of you for your continued support, I feel like this blog is the only thing keeping me together right now.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


Well, I'm still here waiting... and waiting. Patience is definitely not one of my characteristics. I hate waiting. I have so many unresolved feelings. I'm still happy and hopeful. But I'm scared. I keep thinking (and I know this is terrible) that this time has to be the one, it can't turn out badly again. But then I read all the stories of women who have had multiple miscarriages and I know it most definitely can happen again. And nothing is guaranteed. Every time, I feel a funny little cramp a feeling of panic washes over me.

When I feel good, I worry that the lack of symptoms must mean something. I worry this ultrasound is not going to yield the happy results that I want. I'm happy, but I'm tense, like the rug might be yanked out from under me at any moment. Like I won't believe it or be truly relaxed until I see that heart beat on the u/s.

Like I have gotten our families all excited again about nothing. We haven't told any extended family or any friends other than my best friend. We really want that reassurance that all is well. I am even scared to post a baby ticker.

I know deep down that no matter what I say or think this baby is already what it is. But I can't help falling into that trap of thinking that I might 'jinx' something if I post a ticker if I order crib bedding or whatever. I know this isn't how it works but it keeps me from doing anything.

I think I will survive the next 12 days. I know I keep going over and over the same thing. I am driving myself crazy too.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving Canada!

Well there is nothing like a nice long weekend to knock a few days off the wait. Less than 2 weeks now to the u/s.

I'm happy. Happy we will soon see some documented proof our little bun exists. I don't feel anything in particular. A little nauseous here and there. It's really more food aversion I think. I am really, really tired. We had an incredibly busy weekend and it was all I could do to keep up. My energy level is so low, I am asleep by 9pm most nights. My house looks like a bomb went off in it. But I keep hoping this will pass. 6 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I still feel as though it's not real.

It's a wonderful happy dream.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

I feel the love...

Thanks again for all of the kind comments. I feel I am gaining more confidence with each passing day. It's as though each day is a rung in the ladder to success.

I also keep reminding myself that many of us have suffered the pain of miscarriage and have gone on to have healthy babies. So I just keep praying I am in that boat this time!

Not sure I like all the twinny comments! Everyone seems to be thinking the same thing. I will say my beta with my last pg was over 2200 at 19dpo. So I'm not sure what any of this means. Everyone that has twins didn't even have as high a beta as I did, this worries me slightly. Us darn infertiles, you just can't make us happy, beta too high, beta too low, are we never satisfied?!

I guess we will know soon enough how many little buns are cooking in there! Right now I am just trying to be grateful for all that is and all that I have.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Tryingto wrap my head around it all...

Thanks so much for all the encouragement!! I really wish there was some other test or score or number or something before Oct 22. I can I be expected to go 3 weeks with no information? Do they have any idea who the hell they are dealing with here?

So I have thought a lot about things, ok truthfully, I have thought about nothing else for 3 days. I think 1800 is a very high beta, I couldn't help myself, Dr. Google is always in my face. So I checked and it seems fairly high for 18dpiui. Is that a bad sign? Now before you jump all over me, I am not looking for things to worry about. Because deep down I know that no matter the number, the u/s or what the Drs (Google or otherwise) say, nothing means nothing until I hold a baby in my arms (or at least until I see a heartbeat on a u/s)! So I am just paddling along waiting for the next confirmation that everything seems ok.

My optimism will raise with each milestone passed. Once I hit the second tri, I know I will feel better. But I have done so much dreaming this week. The crib, the bedding, the room, the stroller I want, the names, the possibility of twins (eek!), my time off work. It all seems so surreal and like certainly at any moment I will wake up and this will all be a dream.

Could this really be happening to me? I was driving to work yesterday morning thinking about all that I have and it was the happiest I have been in a really long time. I feel like I couldn't ask for more. Is this real, have I really been this blessed, are my dreams of being a mom, right there within my reach. Could it really be? Could it be?

Why does this all seem so hard to believe? Damn infertility! How I long to just see that little thump, thump of a tiny beating heart on that u/s. Will I go insane before then, will I believe it's real before then? Will it all turn out the way it does in my dreams? God, I hope so.

I keep trying to let it all sink in, I'm so very tired, all I want to do is sleep. I am so unfocused I can't think about anything else except this tiny life that is about to change mine in so many ways. I'm scared, but I'm happy and I'm hopeful.

I know this has been a ramble, so bless those of you that are still reading it, but I needed to dump all of these feelings. I just hate how I can go from content and dreamy about it one minute to worried, pessimistic and doubtful about it in the next moment. I'm so all over the place, it's crazy.

I keep telling myself the only way to achieve the outcome I want is to keep telling the universe what I want ans acting as though that's what is going to happen. I try to keep focused on those positive dreams, we had already begun preparations to clean out our back bedroom before I even went for the iui, Clark has started referring to it as the baby's room now, and it gives me a start every time I hear it! I have pretty much already decided on a lot of things, we had some furniture in there we are going to use as the baby's, so the first main things we'll need is a crib and bedding, so we can decorate around those things. Once I have the u/s I am going full swing into baby mode, I think that's the only way I can overcome my disbelief! The other lingering thought in the back of my mind, of course, is the possibility of multiples, of course, I am happy to take whatever babies come in whatever quantities, one would be ideal, two I can deal with and I don't even want to think beyond that point.

Ok, enough rambling for today. Please keep praying all is well with our little one!!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Ok, here we go again...

Well, I went for my beta yesterday. Got the results around 2:30. The number was 1800. The nurse thinks this is on track. So now we wait. And we all know how good I am at that.

Trying to remain positive and not think too much about what has happened in the past. U/S scheduled for Oct 22. At 8 Weeks.

No further betas. Just wait for the u/s. Please keep us in your prayers.

(btw... I know how I sound and I am VERY excited. I just want to see that u/s so bad!!)