Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Big O Over the Weekend Brings Renewed Hope

I wasn't even sure that I ovulated last month. This month I am pretty sure I did. I got a positive OPK on Sunday. We did 'it' on Saturday and Friday and then again last night. I hope that was enough.

I feel good. I have been really concentrating on not letting those negative thoughts creep into my head. I keep thinking this is the month. As indicated in previous posts, my projections indicate that if I have conceived that I will be due on Clark's Birthday! How wonderful! This holds such special meaning to me and I can't shake the significance of it. I want to give him this gift so badly and it would be so entirely perfect. Relying much on my spirituality these days, I have to believe the stars will line up for us this month. I have really worked the timing and all indications are looking good. My conception date for this cycle should have been Saturday, and my lunar fertility chart indicates Sunday night as being my most fertile time. There should have been spermies there waiting for that egg on Sunday! So I don't think we could have timed it any better. And with the added significance of this pregnancy coming to fruition on Clark's birthday, how can I not believe!!!!

I also had a tarot reading Monday and the current issues card that came up was the Princess of Disks, representing the perfect pregnant, gestating woman and symbolizing all that is fertility. I almost cried. I think the universe is beginning to believe that I have received my message. I have done major soul searching through this past year of struggling with my fertility and I really do believe that I have grown as a person. I have learned patience and not to take things for granted. I have also realized what a bond I have with Clark and have gained a new confidence and feeling of security about out relationship. Not that it was bad before, but I have come to understand more about who he is and what an important spirit he has. I want nothing more than to give him the gift of fatherhood.

I have also been more in tune with my own feelings and who I am as a person and who Clark is and how he helps me be a better me. He is such a wonderful soul and I know together we can get through anything. I have learned to stop blaming, and start listening to the subtle messages that are in our relationship.

I am a better person for this fertility struggle, it took me along time to figure out if I would come out of this a better person, but now I see there is no question that I have grown tremendously spiritually this past year and can only imagine that I will be a significantly better parent after this journey, than I would have before it.

So I am ready, I am ready to accept and guide the new life that the universe provides to me, and help them be the best person they can be. I am ready to believe this destiny awaits me and has already begun.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Around and Around and Around It Goes....

And where it stops no one knows. And by it I mean the vicious cycle that is infertility. Well today is CD3, I didn't end up having to test because I got my period on Saturday! A message from the universe, I'd like to think not.

I actually opened my blog today with many depressed and negative feelings, until I read my last post again. I must remain committed to being positive. I am really pissed off and discouraged, but I also must recognize that while those feelings are valid they are not at all productive.

I must focus on the goal and continue. I really want to stop talking about trying to get pregnant, I read in my horoscope today that I must stop 'acknowledging my problems and rise above them'. So I though, hmmmmm, very good advice.

I am on round 5 of clomid, I have nearly lost track, but I go back to Dr. Optimistic on September 7. I think she will want me to do round 6. I don't want to. I want a referral now, all weekend I kept thinking, I give up, I just give up, this is not going to happen. But I must face today with a renewed sense of fight. Clark say we have only just begun to fight, although I am feeling as though I have lost 12 or 13 battles and I am very battle-weary. But I am a problem solver and I have to believe in my hear that this problem has a solution.

I am not talking to my friends anymore about my infertility, if I do move on to IUI, I am not telling anyone. I don't know why I need to talk about it, I wish sometimes I could just shut up!

That said, I am really trying to keep up the positive thoughts. Wish me luck!

Friday, August 11, 2006

One Year Today...

One year ago today was the first day of my first cycle of TTC. It is a bit disheartening that a year has already passed. But I am really trying a new tactic - positive visualization. Maybe I am one year closer to my baby!

I am really trying to be positive and visualize what I want. I have asked the universe and asked God. I have tried to grow into the best person I can be. My goals this year (besides getting knocked up) were to grow as a person and try to be less judgmental. I think I have learned more patience and am definately more in touch with my own feelings. I have also learned to assume less and dig deeper than just the surface of what people are saying.

I am really trying to focus on my goal, by visualizing my baby and visualizing being pregnant. I know this all sounds kind of hokey, but I have been protecting myself for too long. I need to start feeding my body and mind with positive energy that I can accomplish our dreams. I may be setting myself up for disappointment, but I have been so negative for so long. I need to change.

I am finding myself strangely moody the last few days. I really hope that means I am pregnant, but the clomid always has it's own effects as well. We have had many positives this month in the blogger world and I really hope I get to join the ranks soon. I wasn't going to test this month as I haven't been for several months now, but I think I will. I am positive this month. I am positive this month. I must be positive this month. I can test on Sunday and I am going to.

I read Just Another Jenny's post about her fabulous news! I am soooo happy for her! It has been a long road for many of us and I feel a kindred spirit with Jenny, both being Ontario Girls and all! I have to admit that she is the first person in the last year that I have really felt happy for in hearing that they are pregnant. There was no reminding myself to be happy or telling myself that it will happen for me too. For the first time I didn't even think about my situation as I read about hers. I felt like I have turned a bit of corner in that respect. All I felt in reading her news was - YEEEEAAAAHHH! I even checked her blog several times the day of her Beta to see if she had posted yet. So congrats Jenny! I have never been happier for anyone and I really mean that from the bottom of my heart.

And so now I wait a few more days... or a few more months... but I will accomplish my dreams too!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I guess an update is in order!

I can't believe how long it has been since I last posted. I have been so wrapped up in avoiding the IF issues in my life. I have just been enjoying the summer and hoping for the best.

No news yet. I am on CD 24 right now. I feel normal and barely even had any side effects from the clomid this time, go figure.

This cycle has been fairly screwed up and probably is a lost cause (of course as I type those words a twinge of hope flitters across my belly - maybe I am trying to use reverse psychology on myself!). But the facts this month are as follows:

~No positive OPK, although I stopped tested after CD 14
~Only had sex on CD 14 & 15 and then not at all after that
~Not even sure I ovulated?

Why you ask? Well I was away at the cottage as discussed in previous posts, with my in-laws which left no time for POAS or getting it on! But for all of those out there that thinks relaxing is the answer, I certainly did that. Didn't have sex, but if relaxing is what will get me pregnant then I should get my BFP for sure this month.

Sorry do I sound a little bit bitter.

So the game plan form here on in is that I already ordered my Clomid from the pharmacy, I expect my period to arrive Monday or Tuesday. So I start 150mg then.

What else can I say?

On a less selfish note, I popped over to see Just Another Jenny and see that she is due for her Beta tomorrow. I have everything crossed and am willing her all of my positive energy! We need some great news in the IF Blog community to give us all a boost!!! Our thoughts and prayers are with you Jenny!!