Thursday, December 21, 2006

I love Christmas

I really do love this time year. Even though it gets busy and there is the stress of shopping and cooking etc. The big day filled with presents and family makes it all worth while. I love watching everyone open their gifts and be surprised. Our family always puts so much effort into getting just the right thing for everyone.

So I am feeling especially grateful this year. I am by no means getting smug, but things are rolling along OK. I am happier and more relaxed this week. Those beta numbers did so much to reassure me. I still like to thank the universe occasionally. I have checked out every baby department in the city. I have not yet bought anything, but I have looked at everything. You could say I have a mental registry going.

I will feel again reassured after seeing the u/s and then again at 12weeks. But in the meantime I am going to enjoy the Holidays. I am finished with work today and won't be back in the office until the 2nd. At which time I will be anxiously awaiting the big u/s day!

Clark asked me last night if I believed it was true yet. I told him the 5 HPTs and the 3 blood draws have done much to reassure me. I go for my prenatal blood screen tomorrow. I know it is routine, but I have been checked a million times for HIV, Hep, rubella immunity etc., they do all of these at the first appointment for IUI or IVF. I guess the benefit (if there is one) to all this long-lived ttc stuff is we know alot more about our bodies. I kind of fell between the cracks here too, because I got pregnant before the first IUI, on my own (which I am extremely thankful for), I am already back in the care of my original Ob/Gyn.

Anyway, rambling. Sorry.

So the meat of this post is I am blessed in so many ways this Christmas season. I want to express adequate thanks for all that I have.

Updates next week, Happy Holidays to All!!

Monday, December 18, 2006


Well, I am feeling much, much better.

Got the Beta results. 2264 on Dec 11 and 7111 on Dec 14!! Holy crap, this might be for real! Could it be, could it be? I can't wait to see the little one on Jan5 u/s. But Dr. Optimistic really was this time she congratulated me and scheduled my 12w and 20w u/s.

Yippeee! I almost forgive her for her crass attitude last week. She actually said everything looks really good!

Do you think those Betas are high enough to indicate twins? I thought that they seemed pretty high. Please comment with beta comparisons, I am curious to know.

Still a little crampy and achy in the tummy area occasionally. Mild m/s. A little nausea nothing too bad yet.

It might be a holly-jolly Christmas after all!

Additon: Betas were at 19dpo and 22dpo respectively.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Yet another post.

I keep watching my baby ticker at the bottom, each day I see another day pass and I cross off yet another day that I am still filled with hope.

Re-reading Inglewood's comments about her PG. Congrats to her, btw! And realize things are different for those of us who are infertile and pg. We see the whole process so differently. Filled with more fear. I ordered the Fearless Pregnancy book yesterday, thought it might give me some reassurance.

I also took heed from Inglewood's advice to enjoy the moment, I have not let Clark tell anyone except our immediate families for the fear of having to untell them. But so WHAT! I need to embrace this pg. And be positive, because no matter what happens Monday or on Jan 5th, right now, I AM PREGNANT! And I really do want to shout it from the roof tops.

I have waited so long for this, through a failed marriage to a man who should not have children, (before I knew I was sub-fertile), to finding and marrying the man of my dreams to ttc for 17 cycles.

So in a leap of blind faith - I bought Clark a book called 'The Expectant Father' and I am going to wrap it up and give it too him for Christmas. I heard your collective "ahhhhh". But I am not going to play it safe. I am going to walk on the wild side and continue forward like I'm having a baby in August!

So on that note, I think I should begin a weekly list of 10 things I am grateful for. So here's this weeks:

1. My wonderful, understanding, optimistic, reassuring, loving husband.
2. Our stability in our financial situation, not rich, but not in need.
3. My mother and my mother-in-laws. Three awesomely supportive women, this baby will have the best Grandmas ever.
4. The most understanding boss in the world, who I happened to be blessed with and is a graduated infertile herself.
5. My friends, particularly my BFF, with out whom, I could not get through some things.
6. Our family, all whom love and support all that Clark and I do. And who already love this baby as much as we do.
7. A job I love and allows me time to mentally recharge, when I am going off the deep end.
8. My health, my baby's health, a continued healthy pregnancy.
9. My furbaby, god love her, she is the most entertaining and loving little girl pup ever, and although she is a pain at times, her love for us is so ultimately unconditional.
10. This baby. Need I say more here, I am so, so, so grateful for this baby and the opportunity to parent and bring a new life to the world and our family.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

5 Weeks Down, 35 to go...

So I am 5 weeks today. I went for the second blood draw for the Betas. I had blood drawn on what I estimate to be 19 and 21 DPO.

So now I sit on pins and needles until I get the results on Monday. I have never prayed so hard for anything in my whole life. I have been researching what beta numbers are normal at this stage so I can be prepared for what Dr. Optimistic has to tell me on Monday. I know they need to double, so I keep praying I roll big numbers.

I also know that low betas that do not double appropriately indicate a threatened miscarriage and/or ectopic (my worst fear).

Still everything seems OK to me, not that I know anything this being my first PG and all. But the cramping has subsided and I just have the occasional achy feeling in my tummy, which seems to be normal from everything I have read. I have a bit of queasiness, really, really tired since before I even knew I had a BFP, and a bit moody and irritable.

OK, so I thought I was obsessive about the TTC, who knew how effing crazy and obsessed I would get when I actually got PG. I will try to relax after the 8 week u/s in Jan. But I need evidence this PG is progressing as it should. Dr. Optimistic really scared the bejezus out of me on Monday. Not that she had any results to go on, except a non quantitative positive Beta.

And again, I say please add me to your prayers for the next few days. I need all the help I can get.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Renewed Faith

Well I gave myself a stern talking to this morning and decided, no matter how carefully I approach this, if the worst does happen, I will be devastated anyway. So why not live it up!

I turned this morning from fear to anger. Anger at my Ob/Gyn. How I hate her pessimistic attitude, once I got over my heart being ripped out yesterday, I remembered some other parts of the conversation with her.

Not only did she not calculate a due date, but she told me she wouldn't start my 'pregnancy file' until she sees the u/s at 8 weeks. Wuhhh? Then as I was leaving I recalled her saying that I should go home and pray to whoever I believe in. She did not ask if I was taking a prenatal vitamin, which of course I am, she did not tell me to take it easy, she did not tell me to avoid environmental hazards. No, she told me to go home and pray.

Ok, so let me preface my anger by saying that I have never been pregnant before, I have no history of miscarriage, as far as I know my main diagnosis has been blocked tubes. So I know I am at a higher risk for ectopic, but there is no indication, I can't carry a pregnancy. So I resent the hell out of her indicating I should be more concerned than anyone else! Keep in mind that she is also the one that told me Clark has a low count and the RE felt he was perfectly fine.

So I go again on Monday for the Beta numbers. I feel like asking her if she really wants me as a patient. I am tired of her freakin' doom and gloom, I need to focus on the positive more now than ever in my life and I don't need her pessimistic views clouding my view of the goal. I also thinks she has something against people who are overweight (which of course I am). I have many heavy girlfriends that have gotten pregnant and carried to term, so if she thinks that because I am fat, I won't be able to. That pisses me off.

I don't think her & I can have a working relationship throughout this pregnancy. I don't like her worst case scenario attitude. I understand that she is Dr. and needs to be realistic, but really, a little faith would be nice for a change. I thought this was the one visit that I would leave her office, not crying. Wrong.

On the bright side things are still looking good. The cramping has mostly subsided and I had a good bout of dry heaving this morning, so I thought that was a good sign. I need to be positive and relax. I continue to pray.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Anxiety all around...

Well I had my first prenatal appointment today. Still too early to really do much, except confirm the pregnancy. I am scheduled for an ultrasound on Jan 5th. She also wants to see quantitative Betas this week. So I go back to get the results on Monday.

Right now, I am just pretty scared. I have had a bit of cramping, no spotting or anything, but it still makes me nervous. Everyone assures me that a bit of cramping up to week 7 is pretty normal. So I pray this is the case.

Other than that I actually feel pretty good. I have been a little queasy, but I understand this only gets worse in the next week or 2. So I say bring it on.

My worst fear at this point is, of course, that I will miscarry. I have prayed for and hoped for this baby for so long, I don't know if I can deal with another cruel twist of fate. But I have read enough blogs and discussion boards to know that there is cause to be concerned. It is very early and I pray to God this little bean sticks around for the full 40 weeks. How I pray!

I am really trying to relax and just live the dream at this point, nagging worry mixed with the hormonal-emotional rollercoaster I am on right now is keeping me a bit anxious. Ok more than a bit. And I also rationally know that worrying is not going to make it not happen, so I try to take solace in that. But I am scared to death!!!

I think all of these feelings are pretty normal? Please reassurance welcomed here! I am afraid to invest myself in this too much emotionally, just in case, but I know I will be devastated anyway if the worst should happen. We told our immediately family over the weekend, and now I am wondering if we should have, but I know their support is invaluable no matter how all of this plays out. I am feeling exceptionally vulnerable at this point.

I want this pregnancy to be OK, so badly, I feel like I can will it to happen, now if only I could will these cramps to stop worrying me.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Someone Pinch Me, Please!

I keep waiting to wake up from this too-good-to-be-true dream I am having. I took another HPT this morning. Again positive. I know, I am a nut! I just can't seem to let myself believe this is really happening. I think I have programmed myself to protect myself from hope so much, I am afraid to let that guard down.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled, elated, excited, never happier in my life! I just don't want it to end. All the fears are ever present in my face.

I went for my blood draw last night. the DR will call me tomorrow or Monday with confirmation. Do I really need confirmation? I continue to proceed with cautious optimism that I am in fact pregnant and this pregnancy will be fine. My EDD will be mid August.

It scares me to talk about it. I told my best friend, I had to have her come over and check the pee stick to make sure I wasn't imaging lines that weren't there. She assures me all 3 tests were positive! We talked a little about our hopes and dreams and she shared with me that they are TTCing as well, they just started last month (she already has one child), but she was afraid to tell me they were trying as well. But everytime I went to say something that was about my pregnancy, I stopped, like talking about it will jinx it or something. My BF said what will be will be at this point and no amount of talking about it or not talking about is going to change that, which makes sense. Nor will pretending I am not estatic make me feel any better should the worst ever happen.

I am trying to get past the shock and let it all sink in. I have imagined in my mind for so long, seeing the positive pee stick and how I would react and what I would say. I ended up being speechless. The look on Clark's face was priceless. I don't think he believed me at first until he saw the sticks.

I want to shout it from the roof tops, but I am really going to try to refrain until Christmas. I wonder if the fertile people have all this disbelief and trepidation about the good news. Or have we just suffered so many disappointments that it's hard to accept that our dreams can come true!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

OMG, OMG, OMG, +++++!!!!!

I sit here in shock and disbelief that I am writing this. I just did three HPTs and all of them were positive!!! I am only on day 28 of my cycle amd would have expected my period tomorrow.

I still am in shock, I don't know if I can believe that this is true. Please pray that this little bean sticks around, I am so worried about tubals and m/c. I don't want to think it, but I am still too scared to say the words or talk about the due date etc. out loud. It becomes so hard to believe something you have wished for and tried for so long is actually happening.

I am not sure if I can laugh or cry or if this is real. I am totally numb. I am waiting for Clark to arrive home from work any minute and can't wait to tell him.

I thought of cute clever ways but the best way is just to tell him, I think. I know he will be soooo happy! What an awesome Christmas gift. I got exactly what I wanted.

It feels weird to be happy. I am cautiously optimistic. Will post more later, but I am afraid I will just ramble on if I continue now.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the next few weeks. I pray for all of you whose dreams are yet to come true, believe it it will happen!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Trying to stay out of Blogland...

Well, in my attempts to keep the TTC obsessing to a minimum, I have really being trying to stay out of Blogland. That goes both ways - posting and reading. It's been really hard, because I so enjoy keeping up on all my fellow infertile bloggers stories and hopefully have the chance to celebrate their successes. But it also keeps me in the obsessing phase, I am trying so hard to get past.

So that's my excuse for the long pause between posts. But I have spent most of the day today in complete obsession mode. I expect my period on Saturday (the 9th). And believe me I have every possible imagined pregnancy sign. From a week long nagging headache, to excessive cm, to cramping, to (and believe me, Clark will back me up on this one) extreme BITCHINESS! I am not necessarily the happiest of people at the best of times, but even I have to admit, I have been downright nasty the past few days!

The first cycle of acupuncture has re-built some false hope I thought I had all but gotten past recently. My acupuncturist is so darn optimistic, it's hard not to buy into her faith. She makes me believe it will work because she so strongly believes it herself.

But about the acupuncture for those of you who have never tried it - not bad. I had a weird sense of how strange it was to lie on a table and have someone insert needles in you, but there was no pain involved. I did have a few weird sensations in several needle sites, but nothing I would say that actually hurt. I went 3 times the week of ovulation, days 12, 14, 16. I had some needles in my back on either side of the spine (I think about 6-8) and 2 in my head, one in each leg and several in my abdomen. I definitely noticed a change in my cm, which is still continuing and giving me more false hope. It was quite relaxing once I got past my initial nervousness the first time.

I am also on a regime of Chinese herbs. Pills, so they are easy to take. I am going to give it a whirl again next month. As soon as my period arrives, I can schedule my day 12,14,16 appointments again.

I have felt like crap for the past week or so, really tired and head achy, I think it is the flu. I would like to believe in PG symptoms, but I have never actually had any, so they are kind of like the lochness monster, I won't believe they exist until I see them myself! I also woke up this morning with 3 (no that is not a typo, count 'em 3!) cold sores. So that would be the first sign my immune system is compromised, most likely by some yucky flu or cold. And no I didn't get my flu shot. Hopefully the week will round out with me feeling better or finding out I am feeling so miserable because I am PG! I'll keep you posted, although I am pretty sure I know how this is going to turn out.