Thursday, December 21, 2006

I love Christmas

I really do love this time year. Even though it gets busy and there is the stress of shopping and cooking etc. The big day filled with presents and family makes it all worth while. I love watching everyone open their gifts and be surprised. Our family always puts so much effort into getting just the right thing for everyone.

So I am feeling especially grateful this year. I am by no means getting smug, but things are rolling along OK. I am happier and more relaxed this week. Those beta numbers did so much to reassure me. I still like to thank the universe occasionally. I have checked out every baby department in the city. I have not yet bought anything, but I have looked at everything. You could say I have a mental registry going.

I will feel again reassured after seeing the u/s and then again at 12weeks. But in the meantime I am going to enjoy the Holidays. I am finished with work today and won't be back in the office until the 2nd. At which time I will be anxiously awaiting the big u/s day!

Clark asked me last night if I believed it was true yet. I told him the 5 HPTs and the 3 blood draws have done much to reassure me. I go for my prenatal blood screen tomorrow. I know it is routine, but I have been checked a million times for HIV, Hep, rubella immunity etc., they do all of these at the first appointment for IUI or IVF. I guess the benefit (if there is one) to all this long-lived ttc stuff is we know alot more about our bodies. I kind of fell between the cracks here too, because I got pregnant before the first IUI, on my own (which I am extremely thankful for), I am already back in the care of my original Ob/Gyn.

Anyway, rambling. Sorry.

So the meat of this post is I am blessed in so many ways this Christmas season. I want to express adequate thanks for all that I have.

Updates next week, Happy Holidays to All!!

Monday, December 18, 2006


Well, I am feeling much, much better.

Got the Beta results. 2264 on Dec 11 and 7111 on Dec 14!! Holy crap, this might be for real! Could it be, could it be? I can't wait to see the little one on Jan5 u/s. But Dr. Optimistic really was this time she congratulated me and scheduled my 12w and 20w u/s.

Yippeee! I almost forgive her for her crass attitude last week. She actually said everything looks really good!

Do you think those Betas are high enough to indicate twins? I thought that they seemed pretty high. Please comment with beta comparisons, I am curious to know.

Still a little crampy and achy in the tummy area occasionally. Mild m/s. A little nausea nothing too bad yet.

It might be a holly-jolly Christmas after all!

Additon: Betas were at 19dpo and 22dpo respectively.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Yet another post.

I keep watching my baby ticker at the bottom, each day I see another day pass and I cross off yet another day that I am still filled with hope.

Re-reading Inglewood's comments about her PG. Congrats to her, btw! And realize things are different for those of us who are infertile and pg. We see the whole process so differently. Filled with more fear. I ordered the Fearless Pregnancy book yesterday, thought it might give me some reassurance.

I also took heed from Inglewood's advice to enjoy the moment, I have not let Clark tell anyone except our immediate families for the fear of having to untell them. But so WHAT! I need to embrace this pg. And be positive, because no matter what happens Monday or on Jan 5th, right now, I AM PREGNANT! And I really do want to shout it from the roof tops.

I have waited so long for this, through a failed marriage to a man who should not have children, (before I knew I was sub-fertile), to finding and marrying the man of my dreams to ttc for 17 cycles.

So in a leap of blind faith - I bought Clark a book called 'The Expectant Father' and I am going to wrap it up and give it too him for Christmas. I heard your collective "ahhhhh". But I am not going to play it safe. I am going to walk on the wild side and continue forward like I'm having a baby in August!

So on that note, I think I should begin a weekly list of 10 things I am grateful for. So here's this weeks:

1. My wonderful, understanding, optimistic, reassuring, loving husband.
2. Our stability in our financial situation, not rich, but not in need.
3. My mother and my mother-in-laws. Three awesomely supportive women, this baby will have the best Grandmas ever.
4. The most understanding boss in the world, who I happened to be blessed with and is a graduated infertile herself.
5. My friends, particularly my BFF, with out whom, I could not get through some things.
6. Our family, all whom love and support all that Clark and I do. And who already love this baby as much as we do.
7. A job I love and allows me time to mentally recharge, when I am going off the deep end.
8. My health, my baby's health, a continued healthy pregnancy.
9. My furbaby, god love her, she is the most entertaining and loving little girl pup ever, and although she is a pain at times, her love for us is so ultimately unconditional.
10. This baby. Need I say more here, I am so, so, so grateful for this baby and the opportunity to parent and bring a new life to the world and our family.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

5 Weeks Down, 35 to go...

So I am 5 weeks today. I went for the second blood draw for the Betas. I had blood drawn on what I estimate to be 19 and 21 DPO.

So now I sit on pins and needles until I get the results on Monday. I have never prayed so hard for anything in my whole life. I have been researching what beta numbers are normal at this stage so I can be prepared for what Dr. Optimistic has to tell me on Monday. I know they need to double, so I keep praying I roll big numbers.

I also know that low betas that do not double appropriately indicate a threatened miscarriage and/or ectopic (my worst fear).

Still everything seems OK to me, not that I know anything this being my first PG and all. But the cramping has subsided and I just have the occasional achy feeling in my tummy, which seems to be normal from everything I have read. I have a bit of queasiness, really, really tired since before I even knew I had a BFP, and a bit moody and irritable.

OK, so I thought I was obsessive about the TTC, who knew how effing crazy and obsessed I would get when I actually got PG. I will try to relax after the 8 week u/s in Jan. But I need evidence this PG is progressing as it should. Dr. Optimistic really scared the bejezus out of me on Monday. Not that she had any results to go on, except a non quantitative positive Beta.

And again, I say please add me to your prayers for the next few days. I need all the help I can get.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Renewed Faith

Well I gave myself a stern talking to this morning and decided, no matter how carefully I approach this, if the worst does happen, I will be devastated anyway. So why not live it up!

I turned this morning from fear to anger. Anger at my Ob/Gyn. How I hate her pessimistic attitude, once I got over my heart being ripped out yesterday, I remembered some other parts of the conversation with her.

Not only did she not calculate a due date, but she told me she wouldn't start my 'pregnancy file' until she sees the u/s at 8 weeks. Wuhhh? Then as I was leaving I recalled her saying that I should go home and pray to whoever I believe in. She did not ask if I was taking a prenatal vitamin, which of course I am, she did not tell me to take it easy, she did not tell me to avoid environmental hazards. No, she told me to go home and pray.

Ok, so let me preface my anger by saying that I have never been pregnant before, I have no history of miscarriage, as far as I know my main diagnosis has been blocked tubes. So I know I am at a higher risk for ectopic, but there is no indication, I can't carry a pregnancy. So I resent the hell out of her indicating I should be more concerned than anyone else! Keep in mind that she is also the one that told me Clark has a low count and the RE felt he was perfectly fine.

So I go again on Monday for the Beta numbers. I feel like asking her if she really wants me as a patient. I am tired of her freakin' doom and gloom, I need to focus on the positive more now than ever in my life and I don't need her pessimistic views clouding my view of the goal. I also thinks she has something against people who are overweight (which of course I am). I have many heavy girlfriends that have gotten pregnant and carried to term, so if she thinks that because I am fat, I won't be able to. That pisses me off.

I don't think her & I can have a working relationship throughout this pregnancy. I don't like her worst case scenario attitude. I understand that she is Dr. and needs to be realistic, but really, a little faith would be nice for a change. I thought this was the one visit that I would leave her office, not crying. Wrong.

On the bright side things are still looking good. The cramping has mostly subsided and I had a good bout of dry heaving this morning, so I thought that was a good sign. I need to be positive and relax. I continue to pray.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Anxiety all around...

Well I had my first prenatal appointment today. Still too early to really do much, except confirm the pregnancy. I am scheduled for an ultrasound on Jan 5th. She also wants to see quantitative Betas this week. So I go back to get the results on Monday.

Right now, I am just pretty scared. I have had a bit of cramping, no spotting or anything, but it still makes me nervous. Everyone assures me that a bit of cramping up to week 7 is pretty normal. So I pray this is the case.

Other than that I actually feel pretty good. I have been a little queasy, but I understand this only gets worse in the next week or 2. So I say bring it on.

My worst fear at this point is, of course, that I will miscarry. I have prayed for and hoped for this baby for so long, I don't know if I can deal with another cruel twist of fate. But I have read enough blogs and discussion boards to know that there is cause to be concerned. It is very early and I pray to God this little bean sticks around for the full 40 weeks. How I pray!

I am really trying to relax and just live the dream at this point, nagging worry mixed with the hormonal-emotional rollercoaster I am on right now is keeping me a bit anxious. Ok more than a bit. And I also rationally know that worrying is not going to make it not happen, so I try to take solace in that. But I am scared to death!!!

I think all of these feelings are pretty normal? Please reassurance welcomed here! I am afraid to invest myself in this too much emotionally, just in case, but I know I will be devastated anyway if the worst should happen. We told our immediately family over the weekend, and now I am wondering if we should have, but I know their support is invaluable no matter how all of this plays out. I am feeling exceptionally vulnerable at this point.

I want this pregnancy to be OK, so badly, I feel like I can will it to happen, now if only I could will these cramps to stop worrying me.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Someone Pinch Me, Please!

I keep waiting to wake up from this too-good-to-be-true dream I am having. I took another HPT this morning. Again positive. I know, I am a nut! I just can't seem to let myself believe this is really happening. I think I have programmed myself to protect myself from hope so much, I am afraid to let that guard down.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled, elated, excited, never happier in my life! I just don't want it to end. All the fears are ever present in my face.

I went for my blood draw last night. the DR will call me tomorrow or Monday with confirmation. Do I really need confirmation? I continue to proceed with cautious optimism that I am in fact pregnant and this pregnancy will be fine. My EDD will be mid August.

It scares me to talk about it. I told my best friend, I had to have her come over and check the pee stick to make sure I wasn't imaging lines that weren't there. She assures me all 3 tests were positive! We talked a little about our hopes and dreams and she shared with me that they are TTCing as well, they just started last month (she already has one child), but she was afraid to tell me they were trying as well. But everytime I went to say something that was about my pregnancy, I stopped, like talking about it will jinx it or something. My BF said what will be will be at this point and no amount of talking about it or not talking about is going to change that, which makes sense. Nor will pretending I am not estatic make me feel any better should the worst ever happen.

I am trying to get past the shock and let it all sink in. I have imagined in my mind for so long, seeing the positive pee stick and how I would react and what I would say. I ended up being speechless. The look on Clark's face was priceless. I don't think he believed me at first until he saw the sticks.

I want to shout it from the roof tops, but I am really going to try to refrain until Christmas. I wonder if the fertile people have all this disbelief and trepidation about the good news. Or have we just suffered so many disappointments that it's hard to accept that our dreams can come true!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

OMG, OMG, OMG, +++++!!!!!

I sit here in shock and disbelief that I am writing this. I just did three HPTs and all of them were positive!!! I am only on day 28 of my cycle amd would have expected my period tomorrow.

I still am in shock, I don't know if I can believe that this is true. Please pray that this little bean sticks around, I am so worried about tubals and m/c. I don't want to think it, but I am still too scared to say the words or talk about the due date etc. out loud. It becomes so hard to believe something you have wished for and tried for so long is actually happening.

I am not sure if I can laugh or cry or if this is real. I am totally numb. I am waiting for Clark to arrive home from work any minute and can't wait to tell him.

I thought of cute clever ways but the best way is just to tell him, I think. I know he will be soooo happy! What an awesome Christmas gift. I got exactly what I wanted.

It feels weird to be happy. I am cautiously optimistic. Will post more later, but I am afraid I will just ramble on if I continue now.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the next few weeks. I pray for all of you whose dreams are yet to come true, believe it it will happen!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Trying to stay out of Blogland...

Well, in my attempts to keep the TTC obsessing to a minimum, I have really being trying to stay out of Blogland. That goes both ways - posting and reading. It's been really hard, because I so enjoy keeping up on all my fellow infertile bloggers stories and hopefully have the chance to celebrate their successes. But it also keeps me in the obsessing phase, I am trying so hard to get past.

So that's my excuse for the long pause between posts. But I have spent most of the day today in complete obsession mode. I expect my period on Saturday (the 9th). And believe me I have every possible imagined pregnancy sign. From a week long nagging headache, to excessive cm, to cramping, to (and believe me, Clark will back me up on this one) extreme BITCHINESS! I am not necessarily the happiest of people at the best of times, but even I have to admit, I have been downright nasty the past few days!

The first cycle of acupuncture has re-built some false hope I thought I had all but gotten past recently. My acupuncturist is so darn optimistic, it's hard not to buy into her faith. She makes me believe it will work because she so strongly believes it herself.

But about the acupuncture for those of you who have never tried it - not bad. I had a weird sense of how strange it was to lie on a table and have someone insert needles in you, but there was no pain involved. I did have a few weird sensations in several needle sites, but nothing I would say that actually hurt. I went 3 times the week of ovulation, days 12, 14, 16. I had some needles in my back on either side of the spine (I think about 6-8) and 2 in my head, one in each leg and several in my abdomen. I definitely noticed a change in my cm, which is still continuing and giving me more false hope. It was quite relaxing once I got past my initial nervousness the first time.

I am also on a regime of Chinese herbs. Pills, so they are easy to take. I am going to give it a whirl again next month. As soon as my period arrives, I can schedule my day 12,14,16 appointments again.

I have felt like crap for the past week or so, really tired and head achy, I think it is the flu. I would like to believe in PG symptoms, but I have never actually had any, so they are kind of like the lochness monster, I won't believe they exist until I see them myself! I also woke up this morning with 3 (no that is not a typo, count 'em 3!) cold sores. So that would be the first sign my immune system is compromised, most likely by some yucky flu or cold. And no I didn't get my flu shot. Hopefully the week will round out with me feeling better or finding out I am feeling so miserable because I am PG! I'll keep you posted, although I am pretty sure I know how this is going to turn out.

Monday, November 13, 2006


Let me start by addressing a technical issue - I just now figured out how to view and moderate my comments! Which is why this post is entitled DUH! Because I feel pretty stupid. Here I thought not anyone had left me a comment and all along there were some, I was just too computer inept to be able to read them. So I thank all for your comments, especially Jenny, who has given me much support. I promise to respond, now that I have gotten over the blond moment!

Well, I kind of feel a little better these days. I have decided I really need to learn patience.

I got great news from our insurance today, they cover all fertility drugs, a maximum of 12 cycles per drug up to a total life time maximum of $18,000! Yey! That's great for us.

So the updated game plan, is to try a few IUIs, I won't be starting that until late March, early April. We have a lot going on in our lives up until then, plus I want to give the acupuncture a good try.

I figure with the drugs covered the IUI will be pretty inexpensive (compared to the IVF) and our RE thinks we should give it a few tries. With my 'substandard' tubes we still have a shot at conceiving without the IVF. It's not a great chance, but still a possibility.

So I think I am going to take the next 4 months to relax (yeah, I know, I hate saying it, as much as you hate hearing it) and try to work on the acupuncture protocol. Then if still nothing we'll start with the IUIs.

My RE feels that at 30, I still have a lot of time. I never thought that i would want to take a step back, when this all started a year and a half ago, I was full speed ahead and ready try IVF then! Now, I see this is not going to happen instantly, I am not going to be pregnant by Christmas or the Christmas after that or Easter or Mother's Day or before I turn 31. There is no deadline and I might as well work toward accepting that. I really do think I am obsessing and stressing myself out way too much.

So I need to focus on work, Clark and I are going to take a couple of vacations and just try to get back some of the sense of normalcy that I had in my life before I decided I was ready to start a family. Am I giving up? No way! Will I ever give up the dream of a biological child? No way. But I need to move away from it being the only thing I think about day and night. I need to stop letting my infertility define me, and consume me. I know easier said than done.

Certainly obsessing about it hasn't gotten me pregnant.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Second RE Appointment

Well, I haven't had much to say lately. I have just been trying to stay sane. I am really focused on trying to get pregnant, and I am driving myself crazy. But the next few months will hopefully be different. Our RE has basically imposed a mandatory break. We can still try on our own, but no drugs. I am done with the Clomid.

At our second appointment, yesterday, semen analysis was good! Yea! So that problem is no longer. Now we just have to worry about me. He called my tubes substandard. They may still work, as the blockages are not complete. But odds are lower. We decided to go ahead with the IUIs. We will do 2 or 3. That's it, then move onto IVF. I am not optimistic about the IUI, I don't think that this is going to solve our problems, but then who knows. Nothing is guaranteed in this game.

I had my first wanding. By a student, no less! I was mortified. But it revealed the lining of my uterus is too thin. Likely due to the clomid. So the plan from here is to wait for my fist injectable lesson. Which will probably be in January. Until then, my met dose is upped to 2000mg and we wait.

I am starting acupuncture on Friday. I figure it certainly can't hurt and what if it helps, I have read great things about it. The acupuncturist I am seeing is very excited and says she has helped many people with fertility issues get pregnant. I figure it may be something that could be of benefit during an IUI or IVF cycle, so I may as well get started with it now.

That's it for now. I'm sad. I just want this to happen. On the up side, Clark and I are communicating much better these days. Yesterday was a good day for us. I pray it all works out the way we want it to.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Update and Vent...

Wow! I feel like I haven't written anything in a while, so I hope this doesn't turn into a dump post.

So my daily drug regimen is going well, I am getting into the routine of taking 1500mg metf0rmin a day and got back into the routine of taking my pre-natal faithfully. I have read lots of good about Met if you can get past the side effects. I have to tell physically I was feeling pretty shitty up until last week. I have had worse side effects on the Met than on the Cl0mid. I am severely constipated (sorry, TMI) to the point where I can only go every 3rd day or so, so unlike our friend Jenny from the IF block, I have made metamucil my friend. I was nauseous every day for 3 weeks - geeezz I might as well be pregnant.

So aside from that, things are moving along today is CD23, I am cautiously optimistic about this cycle. Could happen, but likely won't.

I am gearing up for the hell I am about to put myself through with the injections and protocol that come with my first IUI cycle, although some part of me is looking forward to getting started. We are making preparations, we have told only our parents, that we are doing it. I have to call Dr. Phallus on the 16th to get the results of our infectious disease tests and then we can schedule out first IUI prep appointment and I can attend the injection how-to seminar. We have already discussed and decided that Clark can not handle being a part of the injection process and I have to admit being the control freak that I am, I want to do it myself anyway. Do people out there actually want their husbands to do it? Not I, if someone is sticking me with sharp objects, I want it to be me. None of this really warranted much discussion after Clark nearly passed out in the RE's office, obviously, he can't deal with medical settings. I think I am on my own here.

So I probably have one more cycle of the clomid after this and then perhaps the November cycle may be the one, but I guess we will find out when I speak with Dr. Phallus' office.

As usual, I feel like I am livin' in limbo. My true feelings are that I hope I get PG this month or next month and don't have to do the IUI. I have to tell you that it's not that I don't want to do the IUI or that I am scared of the physical aspects, if someone could give me a 90-100% chance of success I would be there doing it today! But the odds just seem so bleak. Everything I have read indicates that IUIs only have a 15-20% chance of success and that seems so low. I feel like I have better odds getting PG on my own. And because the tubal blockages seem to be the biggest obstacle I even wonder why we are doing the IUI, should we just skip it and go straight to IVF? Dr. Phallus seems to think we have a shot with the IUI and said he wouldn't do more than 3. So part of me is thinking we are wasting time and money, but then IVF odds aren't that shit hot either. So maybe I just need to feel like we have exhausted every option and done all that we can do to conceive before I will be able to move on.

So I guess where I am at right now is that I am willing to try anything, but I am not all that convinced we actually have a shot of conceiving no matter what we do, the odds all seem so slim.

I guess I will see.

Friday, September 22, 2006

The RE's opinion

Well we had the big appointment with the RE yesterday. The great news is that he has ruled out male factor. All along Dr. Optimistic has me scared shitless that Clark has a low count and blah, blah, blah. Well Dr. Phallus (Clark gave him that name because his last name kind of sounds like Phallus and it seemend funny and appropriate) thinks it's a non-issue, he says Clark's 48 million are just fine!

Yeah, so now we just have to deal with me. The tubal blockages are the issue as I seem to be responding the clomid and ovulating.

Dr. Phallus wants to try an IUI on Pureg0n. Probably in November or December. He said he won't do more than 3 IUIs before moving us on to IVF.

I am emotionally drained and exhausted. So more on the feelings later, I have just processed the facts and am not sure how optimistic etc., I feel about his treatment plan. So more on that another day.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Cycle Day 2

I really don't need to say more, but I will.

I am upset. I really, really (as indicated in my previous posts)wanted it to be this month. But alas, no.

I kind of hate myself and my emotional, hormonally challenged, reproductively retarded body right now. I verge on tears hourly. I had a minor tiff with Clark last night, and still really haven't spoken to him. I know that the hormonal state I'm in doesn't help. I really felt distant from him last night though, which is unusual for us.

On the upside, I got my RE referral and I have an appointment on September 21. Woo-hoo. I am doing another round of 150mg of Clomid this month and adding to it 1000mg of Metformin. We'll see.

Can't blame me for my skepticism. Getting harder to believe it will happen. I need to move away from the feelings again for a while. I can't think. Too painful. I can't hope, too hard.

I want another puppy, if I can't have a baby, I can at least have another dog. Maybe this is what my life is. Maybe this is what my life will be.

Maybes and what ifs, where did they ever get anybody.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Big O Over the Weekend Brings Renewed Hope

I wasn't even sure that I ovulated last month. This month I am pretty sure I did. I got a positive OPK on Sunday. We did 'it' on Saturday and Friday and then again last night. I hope that was enough.

I feel good. I have been really concentrating on not letting those negative thoughts creep into my head. I keep thinking this is the month. As indicated in previous posts, my projections indicate that if I have conceived that I will be due on Clark's Birthday! How wonderful! This holds such special meaning to me and I can't shake the significance of it. I want to give him this gift so badly and it would be so entirely perfect. Relying much on my spirituality these days, I have to believe the stars will line up for us this month. I have really worked the timing and all indications are looking good. My conception date for this cycle should have been Saturday, and my lunar fertility chart indicates Sunday night as being my most fertile time. There should have been spermies there waiting for that egg on Sunday! So I don't think we could have timed it any better. And with the added significance of this pregnancy coming to fruition on Clark's birthday, how can I not believe!!!!

I also had a tarot reading Monday and the current issues card that came up was the Princess of Disks, representing the perfect pregnant, gestating woman and symbolizing all that is fertility. I almost cried. I think the universe is beginning to believe that I have received my message. I have done major soul searching through this past year of struggling with my fertility and I really do believe that I have grown as a person. I have learned patience and not to take things for granted. I have also realized what a bond I have with Clark and have gained a new confidence and feeling of security about out relationship. Not that it was bad before, but I have come to understand more about who he is and what an important spirit he has. I want nothing more than to give him the gift of fatherhood.

I have also been more in tune with my own feelings and who I am as a person and who Clark is and how he helps me be a better me. He is such a wonderful soul and I know together we can get through anything. I have learned to stop blaming, and start listening to the subtle messages that are in our relationship.

I am a better person for this fertility struggle, it took me along time to figure out if I would come out of this a better person, but now I see there is no question that I have grown tremendously spiritually this past year and can only imagine that I will be a significantly better parent after this journey, than I would have before it.

So I am ready, I am ready to accept and guide the new life that the universe provides to me, and help them be the best person they can be. I am ready to believe this destiny awaits me and has already begun.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Around and Around and Around It Goes....

And where it stops no one knows. And by it I mean the vicious cycle that is infertility. Well today is CD3, I didn't end up having to test because I got my period on Saturday! A message from the universe, I'd like to think not.

I actually opened my blog today with many depressed and negative feelings, until I read my last post again. I must remain committed to being positive. I am really pissed off and discouraged, but I also must recognize that while those feelings are valid they are not at all productive.

I must focus on the goal and continue. I really want to stop talking about trying to get pregnant, I read in my horoscope today that I must stop 'acknowledging my problems and rise above them'. So I though, hmmmmm, very good advice.

I am on round 5 of clomid, I have nearly lost track, but I go back to Dr. Optimistic on September 7. I think she will want me to do round 6. I don't want to. I want a referral now, all weekend I kept thinking, I give up, I just give up, this is not going to happen. But I must face today with a renewed sense of fight. Clark say we have only just begun to fight, although I am feeling as though I have lost 12 or 13 battles and I am very battle-weary. But I am a problem solver and I have to believe in my hear that this problem has a solution.

I am not talking to my friends anymore about my infertility, if I do move on to IUI, I am not telling anyone. I don't know why I need to talk about it, I wish sometimes I could just shut up!

That said, I am really trying to keep up the positive thoughts. Wish me luck!

Friday, August 11, 2006

One Year Today...

One year ago today was the first day of my first cycle of TTC. It is a bit disheartening that a year has already passed. But I am really trying a new tactic - positive visualization. Maybe I am one year closer to my baby!

I am really trying to be positive and visualize what I want. I have asked the universe and asked God. I have tried to grow into the best person I can be. My goals this year (besides getting knocked up) were to grow as a person and try to be less judgmental. I think I have learned more patience and am definately more in touch with my own feelings. I have also learned to assume less and dig deeper than just the surface of what people are saying.

I am really trying to focus on my goal, by visualizing my baby and visualizing being pregnant. I know this all sounds kind of hokey, but I have been protecting myself for too long. I need to start feeding my body and mind with positive energy that I can accomplish our dreams. I may be setting myself up for disappointment, but I have been so negative for so long. I need to change.

I am finding myself strangely moody the last few days. I really hope that means I am pregnant, but the clomid always has it's own effects as well. We have had many positives this month in the blogger world and I really hope I get to join the ranks soon. I wasn't going to test this month as I haven't been for several months now, but I think I will. I am positive this month. I am positive this month. I must be positive this month. I can test on Sunday and I am going to.

I read Just Another Jenny's post about her fabulous news! I am soooo happy for her! It has been a long road for many of us and I feel a kindred spirit with Jenny, both being Ontario Girls and all! I have to admit that she is the first person in the last year that I have really felt happy for in hearing that they are pregnant. There was no reminding myself to be happy or telling myself that it will happen for me too. For the first time I didn't even think about my situation as I read about hers. I felt like I have turned a bit of corner in that respect. All I felt in reading her news was - YEEEEAAAAHHH! I even checked her blog several times the day of her Beta to see if she had posted yet. So congrats Jenny! I have never been happier for anyone and I really mean that from the bottom of my heart.

And so now I wait a few more days... or a few more months... but I will accomplish my dreams too!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I guess an update is in order!

I can't believe how long it has been since I last posted. I have been so wrapped up in avoiding the IF issues in my life. I have just been enjoying the summer and hoping for the best.

No news yet. I am on CD 24 right now. I feel normal and barely even had any side effects from the clomid this time, go figure.

This cycle has been fairly screwed up and probably is a lost cause (of course as I type those words a twinge of hope flitters across my belly - maybe I am trying to use reverse psychology on myself!). But the facts this month are as follows:

~No positive OPK, although I stopped tested after CD 14
~Only had sex on CD 14 & 15 and then not at all after that
~Not even sure I ovulated?

Why you ask? Well I was away at the cottage as discussed in previous posts, with my in-laws which left no time for POAS or getting it on! But for all of those out there that thinks relaxing is the answer, I certainly did that. Didn't have sex, but if relaxing is what will get me pregnant then I should get my BFP for sure this month.

Sorry do I sound a little bit bitter.

So the game plan form here on in is that I already ordered my Clomid from the pharmacy, I expect my period to arrive Monday or Tuesday. So I start 150mg then.

What else can I say?

On a less selfish note, I popped over to see Just Another Jenny and see that she is due for her Beta tomorrow. I have everything crossed and am willing her all of my positive energy! We need some great news in the IF Blog community to give us all a boost!!! Our thoughts and prayers are with you Jenny!!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Clomid Round 4 has Begun

Yup, today is Cycle day 3. I started the clomid. 100mg. I have to admit I really contemplated taking it on CD1, but thought better of it and figured I should follow the DR's orders at least this time.

Why do you ask, would I consider taking it on day 1. Well, I have read that there is a higher success rate if the clomid is taken earlier in your cycle. Maybe next month.

So I have little to say today other than once again I feel defeated. I had almost convinced myself to have hope this cycle, with the LAP and everything, but my period showed up on Day 31 just as scheduled.

Now, I just sit and await the hormone hell to start. It is about 100 degrees F, here this week, I can't wait for the hot flashes. Yipppeeee!

And so it begins... Again.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Living in Limbo...

I just read Jenny's post - My Life Revolves Around You - and I have to say it rocked me to my core. God, can I relate to this.

I gave up smoking. I divorced my first husband, because I thought he would be a shitty father. Every house I have ever owned has always had three bedrooms and in every house I have envisioned the nursery and how it would be decorated and where I would spend my sleepless nights trying to console my baby. I changed jobs in January so I could have more flexible hours and more time off. We need to buy a new car, but will I be off on Maternity leave next year?, can we afford it? Should we book the cottage for next year or will I have a newborn?

It makes me sad to think I spend so much time on what ifs and maybes. I am so pathetic, I have even priced the baby furniture I want and thought about the configuration for the furniture. Clark won't let me plant and trees in the middle of our yard, in case he wants to throw a ball around with our potential kids or wants to put up a swing set.

Every time I go to Target or Walmart, I look at the baby clothes and think, I'd buy this or this and I would need this.

So, yes I relate. I have lived it. Jenny, you are always bang on.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

CD 27 of LAP Cycle

Yeah, I still count they days. If I calculated my O correctly, which I am not overly confident in, I should be about 10DPO today.

I think this journey is supposed to teach me patience. I have never had the virtue of a lot of patience. Clark has also told me I don't like to wait for things. And I admit it, I don't. I'm an results oriented kind of girl. I am also a psychotic and obsessive kind of girl the last year or so. So I decided this morning what my greatest fear about all of this is. The greatest fear is that I will never give birth to a child. I know I have touched on this before, but now I approach it from the perspective that I can wait for all of this to happen. I can muster up the patience to wait until the Universe deems it to be my time, I just can't deal with it never happening at all.

This morning I decided I needed to embrace patience and hope. I have to have hope, because without hope, what do I have. I have a life where I live in constant fear of not being able to realize my greatest dream. I have to stop living in fear. I have to start hoping again, even if it causes temporary disappointment each month. It has to be better than living in the constant numbness that I currently reside in, too afraid of the disappointment to be hopeful. Too wrapped up in today's current despair to see that this too will pass, and the future can still look bright.

So as I go forward this summer I want to embrace life like I used and stop obsessing about this baby dream, but still have hope that the future holds the answer to my prayers.

All that being said, I do have hope still for this cycle. I have been reading so much about women who get pregnant immediately following a Lap or HSG. And I think let that be me, let that be me!!! I am not, however, testing this cycle. I have to stop obsessing. I am driving myself totally crazy.

I will test if my period is late, not here by Saturday, then I will test. And until then, I will be silently praying.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

What does Elephant taste like?

Back to feeling physically normal. Or at least my version of normal (down 10lbs, at least that is a good thing). I am feeling a bit gloomy these days. I want to let myself hope so badly, but I can't. I keep giving myself the warning talk about how this month is very unlikely and I should expect my period as normal in the next 10 days or so. I am not even sure I ovulated, never got a 'true' positive on the OPKs. Plus the physical effort we usually put in was much diminished by my surgery.

I am feeling pessimistic again this month. I hate the highs and lows so much. I went and got my prescription for the clomid filled. My DR wants to see me back in 2 months. I feel like I am ready to give up again. I try to go on and pretend like I am living my life like normal, but my heart is always heavy. Even as I write this my eyes are welling up again. But what can I do but go on?

My thoughts and feelings change on an hourly basis. This week, very heavy hearted, more so than usual and I feel like this is it. I know I have said this before and none of us ever knows what the future truly holds for any of us. But after the surgery I feel as though, if it doesn't happen by fall, it's not going to. I know I have to quit setting these timelines for myself, but I feel like I can only deal with small increments of time. I can't see past October, nor do I want to, unless the future has a positive spin.

I keep going through the motions of living, but inside I want to scream, cry, rant, rave, beg, plead, be hysterical!! I keep saying all of the right things to my friends and family, but inside I am falling to pieces. I keep coming to work everyday, but inside all I think about is my longing and desire to have a little baby of my own. I keep pretending I am focused on other things, but inside I secretly plan the nursery or think about names. I keep acting like I am handling this sanely and rationally, but inside I feel like I am a complete basket case, who is obsessive and totally out of control.

I need to work on bringing the inside to be more like the facade. I feel like everyday I literally get up and put on a mask. Like, OK I need to put on my going to work mask where the TTC issue doesn't exist. Or OK I need to put on the family mask, where everyone knows we are trying, but nobody talks about it. Or the friends mask, where we talk about it like planning a wedding 2 years in advance, there is always the 'when I have a baby' talk. Or the Clark mask, where I let him see a little bit of my pain, but then turn it off quickly, so not to freak him out. I just need to find a By Myself mask, so I can put it on when nobody else is around.

I know deep down I will get through this, I know I have the inner strength. It just might not be pretty going through the process before I come out the other side. I thought I was dealing with this much better than I am. I thought it was getting easier, but I think I was just getting number. I must keep putting one foot in front of the other.

So all I can do is sum up the plan we have in place and hope something sticks. I once worked for a guy who used to say 'If you throw enough shit at the wall something has to stick'. He also used to say the that overcoming a problem or large task was 'like eating an elephant, one bite at a time.' Sometimes I feel like I've gotten half of this elephant down and don't know if I will be able to finish the rest.

But I digress, the plan... as we know it today:
*July 15-16 - expect period to arrive
*Take 100mg clomid days 3-7
*Hope this month works
*August cycle - expect period 14-15
*Take 150mg clomid days 3-7
*Hope this cycle works
*If no BFP by then see DR again in September

This is one bitter tasting elephant and I get sicker and sicker of it with every bite I take.

Monday, June 26, 2006

The Laparoscopy

It went well. One minor complication with the lower incision. It started to bleed too much and I was required to stay over night in the hospital for observation, due to the loss of blood and low blood count. But all in all, it wasn't too bad.

I have been pretty sore at the lower incision site, but nothing unbearable. I return to the doctor on Thursday to have the stitches removed.

The results were the best I could have expected. The DR did find partial blockages in both tubes and thinks she was able to clear them out and all other reproductive organs look good! So hopefully we have fixed at least one cause of the problem.

I resist the urge to get too optimistic and hope that this will be the miracle cure that will make all my dreams come true. But am cautiously optimistic that we are at least moving in the right direction.

I am back at work today, although still pretty tender, but I have a desk job, that doesn't require me to move around alot, so I am doing pretty well.

As for the future, I think this month is out, I should be ovulating on Friday and am unsure if sex will be in the picture at that point, but we'll see, I'm not ruling anything out at this point. This is my second month off the clomid, so I will give it a try if my body allows it this week. Otherwise, we are back on the clomid next month and we'll give it our all then.

My DR feels the next 3 months are going to be my best shot. Let's have a little hope I guess. It sure would be nice to have a spring 2007 baby. But again I must remind myself to proceed with cautious optimism. There is such a fine line and short time between hope and disappointment.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Ready, set, go!

Well, I just endured a horrific weekend! I volunteered to host Father's Day brunch for 10 of our closest family members. Did I know the kitchen sinks were going to back up and the dishwasher was going to overflow, 15 minutes before the scheduled arrival of our guests - no! Yup, that was my weekend. I spent much of Sunday mopping up water and doing the dishes in the laundry sink in the basement. Trust me, it sucked!

But it did keep my mind off the upcoming LAP. AF arrived on Friday as scheduled. Clark was more disappointed than I was. (I didn't tell him about the BFN). I knew. So I feel like I have to re-evaluate my plan each and every month. Although it is getting easier, which really surprises me, maybe my shock and disbelief are minimizing. I don't feel the sense of desperation I felt 6 months ago. I am becoming more numb to the BFNs and I cry less about it. I am also really surprised at how much my feelings toward all of this IF stuff have changed in the past six months. I started reading 'A Few Good Eggs' (AFGE) last night. I only read a couple chapters but it got me thinking about what my plan is and what I really want. I also read Jenny's post and comments about heart's desire and what I really want.

I think at this point in time, (I seem to change my mind weekly), I want to be pregnant. I know, duh!!! But I mean, I want to be a parent, but I want to do it on my terms. I have not given up the hope for a biological child, that I am pregnant with and give birth to and nurse and bring home from the hospital. That's my heart's desire. Clark's not evening willing to discuss adoption or anything else at this point (other than IUI and IVF with our own eggs and sperm), and I finally admit to myself neither am I.

So the plan, do the LAP, hope that helps in clearing things out in some way. Give my good friend clomid another 3 months and then IUI. I am feeling a little emotionally drained about all of it. But less desperation and despair.

I have stopped asking why me, and have focused my sights on the prize. I have stopped measuring my success by other people and started focusing on me and how I can help myself. I feel I have made many mental shifts this month. Before I just felt mental.

OK, I am rambling. I have one regret and that is I have told too many people about our journey. But I can't just brush it under the carpet, it has become a major part of who I am and how I view the world. Besides, it's too late, it's out, loud and proud! One thing AFGE reminded me is that I shouldn't feel ashamed about my sub-fertility, it's not my fault and it's not something anyone deserves, it's just shitty luck. And that is something we all need to remember.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Tested ... BFN

I tested Wednesday, got another BFN. AF is arriving today!

Not much else to say today. LAP on Wednesday. Better luck next month.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Quick Update...

Ok, the quick update, is that I didn't test this morning, but I think I will tomorrow. I mean I might as well get the disappointment out of the way so I can deal with preparing for my surgery.

Of course, there is still a shred of me that is emotional writing this and wants to believe that I am PG. But, the realistic part of me knows it isn't likely. Clark is very optimistic, I think partly he feels guilty that it is me doing the LAP and if I am PG that solves all the issues. I wish I could be more positive, but I can't. I have developed far too close a relationship with disappointment this year to hold out too much hope. That only makes it worse in the end.

Part of me will still have something crossed for luck...

Monday, June 12, 2006

Hangin out, trying to RELAX...

I almost feel like relax is a dirty word. And I don't want to hear it. But I've said it myself, I really am hanging out trying to relax.

My LAP is a go for the 21st of June. 9 days. I am 10 DPO today and deparately want to test. I bought an HPT at Wal-mart on my lunch today, because I ran out of the internet cheapies (although I have an order in for 50 opts and 15 hpts). So now I can stare at the HPT box everyday and debate with myself if I am going to test.

I kind of partly feel like, why bother? I have seen so many negative HPTs that I don't need to see another. I know AF is due on Thursday or Friday, so why can't I just wait? I know if I don't have AF by next week they will do a PG test at the hospital before my LAP. But... I want to know!!!

I day dreamed in the car today, about how I would tell Clark, how I would wait until father's day and give him a card. I know how thrilled he would be! Why do I get myself all worked up. The chances are slim, on a non-medicated cycle.

But I can't help but dream, I want to make both are dreams come true so badly. If only wishing could make it so. If only...

OK, so I am asking the universe, please make all our dreams come true, please send us the child we long for. Maybe I will test tomorrow or maybe I won't. I guess I'll end this post the same way I have ended so many others, we'll see...

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The results are in...

And they were pretty good! The first time I have started feeling optimistic about this whole TTC journey. Maybe it is not hopeless? He is still in the low end of normal, but much better. 48 million to be exact with 80% motility, which is a great increase over only the 30% previously.

So I am scheduled for my LAP on June 21. A little nervous, but you know we can never let them see us sweat! Dr. Optimistic thinks we have the greatest chance of conceiving in the 3 months following the surgery. So we have revised our game plan a little bit and are putting off the RE referral for now. Which I am good with because I really hope we can do this on our terms. So another 3 months of clomid (ok, not so happy about that, but gotta do it) following the surgery and then we regroup if there are no results by then. At least we have a plan.

Emotionally I am feeling much stronger, for now. So just keep moving forward. I feel a little less bitter, but it could just be the lack of clomid! I will do my best to remain positive.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

So far so good...

Well the weight lose plan is in full swing. I feel pretty good about it, I was relatively good over the weekend and did lots of exercise! Yeah! I have not weighed myself. I think I will wait until the end of the week.

I dropped off Clark's 'sample' this morning at the lab. Always, a bloody brilliant way to start the day. What's scary about it, is that I do it without even a second thought now, the first time I was traumatized. I just couldn't believe that I was handing the nurse a jar of my husband's love juice. It's a bit surreal. But the things we get over with practice are awe inspiring to say the least. So now we wait until next week and Dr. Optimistic gets the results.

Then I will know - surgery or no surgery. Part of me really, really freakin' hopes his SA comes back great, no correction, all of me hope that it comes back great. I don't care if I have the surgery, it would be one less obstacle to deal with in this journey.

Stay tuned for the results...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Well, I needed a few days to calm myself before I posted. Yup, another cycle, another bust! I went back to Dr. Optimistic on Monday, she has me slotted in for a diagnostic laparoscopy for June 21. Clark has to submit one more semen analysis prior to this. Dr. says if his results are really bad, she won't bother with the laparoscopy and just send me directly to the RE. But feels the RE will want me investigated as well.

Oh JOY! This month is a freakin' mess!! I turned 30, discovered I have gained 12lbs since I quit smoking in August and volunteered myself for exploratory surgery. Clark found out his contract is not being renewed and is on the search for a job and I am no closer to getting pregnant than I was a year ago. I hate to tempt the Gods, but what the hell else can happen.

Am I depressed, anxious, bitter, resentful, generally bitchy and want to retreat from life. You bet! Will I? NO! I must go on.

I started trying to lose some weight this week, so we'll see how that goes. I refuse to crash diet or starve myself. I am trying the slimfast plan, drinking tons more water and trying to make better choices. Also I want to get off the couch and walk the dog alot more, now the weather is nice here. I have started my gardening as well which always motivates me to get outside.

So bottom line is: my self esteem is in the toilet. I know I can dig deep and go on, I know I can. I have it in me, to get through all of this. I just don't know how yet. But here is the general plan, I have somewhat accepted that me getting pregnant, is not something to likely happen today, tomorrow or next week. I have to stop obsessing over it. I will not stop trying, just moving it a little lower on the goal list. If I can't get pregnant, I might as well lose the weight and become that hot mama I was in high school and college. I would love my husband to think I was hot. Not that he doesn't love me, because I know he does, but I want him to see me across a room again and think, WOW! that's my wife!

Losing the weight can also only help with my baby quest, I will do what they tell me and go for the surgery if that is what is recommended, I will do IUIs, IVF or whatever it takes. Clark says we will have a baby and I really hope he is right. but for know I need to shift my focus, before I go off the deep end with no return ticket.

Oh, to add to my depression, I started spotting on Mother's Day! Yeah! Happy Mother's Day! I only had a minor breakdown. Again, I will dig deep and I will carry on. I may just drink more. So the goal for the this week is to get down 7lbs by Monday. Good luck to me! Stay tuned for updates...

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Soooooo Impatient...

OK, I admit it. I already tested today and yesterday morning, yes they were both BFN or this post would have an entirely different title. I couldn't help myself, I know it is way too early for anything to be conclusive, but I had to POAS, I just had to. I keep hoping I will get an early BFP and I can rejoice!!

I feel really optimistic this cycle. So far, everything has gone according to plan. I am actually contemplating taking the day my period is due off work. I think if I get it, I will need some pity party time. I know, I suck. But for some reason I feel like this month is IT. If we don't get pregnant now, last round of clomid and referral to the RE looming, life will really suck. We will have to endure a million tests, before they tell us we need to move on to more advanced ART. And then what, we do the IUIs spend lots of money and for what? How successful are these procedures, I've read a 15-30% chance of success with an IUI. Not great.

Plus, (I know others out there who have endured so much, but I haven't yet mourned the loss of conceiving on my own), I have romanticised the idea of conceiving on our own, with out spectrums and catheters and doctors present. Don't get me wrong, I will do or go through whatever it takes for me to get pregnant and deliver my own baby, but secretly I was hoping it wasn't going to be that difficult. I mean really!!!

Also secretly I think I am pregnant, maybe I just want to be so badly, that I imagined this feeling. But I feel different this month, not physically different, in fact I have no physical changes or symptoms at all. Just different emotionally. I am very short tempered and impatient right now, it could be the stress I am imposing on myself in hopes of my dreams coming true, but I don't know I just feel as though this must be it. I have counted the days in my cycle five times a day since day 15, (CD24 today), I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't even think about anything else except seeing those 2 lines on an HPT.

I know, I know, I need help. Are other infertiles like this? Does anyone else out there obsess constantly, I even daydream about what my baby's nursery will be like or think about names. I hate myself, when I want something I can't have, why is this so f*&%k&^g elusive for some of us and so goddamn easy for the rest. Yes, I know I sound bitter, I am sorry, but I am bitter.

I really have been praying this month, praying for an answer to my dreams and wishes and aspirations. I have bargained with god, I have begged and pleaded, I don't know what else to say, I have tried to figure out why I am not deserving of this. I have asked for patience and searched for the answer to what I am supposed to learn from the torment I feel each month. Not just when I get my period again, but the waiting, hoping, and trying leading up to that. It just keeps happening the same way each month over and over and over again. ARRRGGHHHH! Until I want to scream (and I have, several times this week).

Sorry this turned into a rant, but it pretty much sums up the frustration I feel this week. Part of me wants it to be over and be a BFP so badly and part of me never wants the hope to end.

I have to mention Jenny from the Infertility Block and wish her all the best, from one small town Ontario Girl to another. I pray for both of us. It sucks about her IVF cycle. I hope she hears our prayers and I feel, as she does, I will come out the other side of this a changed woman and I pray to GOD that it will be for the better. But so far I do not feel I have improved as a person, only that I am a little more broken with each passing month and continue to search for my purpose in life if it is not to be a mother.

I don't like a lot of the jealous feelings I often have lately, I know that it is irrational jealously and that other people's joy and happiness has no effect on my own. It is not as though there is a limited number of babies waiting to be conceived and each time some else gets pregnant it is one less chance for the rest of us. It just feels that way sometimes.

So I wait. Until Monday... Only then will the answer be written in the sand and dear god, please let it be the answer I am hoping for, I have never wanted, wished for or prayed for anything so hard in all my life. Let it be a BFP...

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Waiting, Hoping, Praying...

Well, I am once again in the 2ww, full swing. It's funny, how it keeps starting over & over again. I am pretty optimistic this cycle, which is scary in, and of itself. It seems just to set me up to be more disappointed, when it is yet another failed cycle.

But I said earlier, that I was going to give this my best try yet. And we did, we did. The time around the Big O went very well. We timed everything out perfectly. So if I were the praying kind, I'd be praying. Please, please, please let this work!

I know this cycle will crush me, if it is not successful, talk about having all of your cherries in one basket.

I really feel as though this is the fork in the road, so to speak, if I get pregnant, (I am almost afraid to use those words - I keep saying if this cycle is successful), my journey continues on to parenthood and I will feel at peace with the Universe. If not, my TTC journey continues and I fear I will become very bitter and resentful. And I will have to face the reality that this is really not going to be a fast, easy trip. I think my hope will fade considerably, if I do not get pregnant.

Maybe TTC will no longer be my daily focus or maybe the further it seems out of my reach the more I want it. Whatever my emotions are at the end of this cycle, I feel I am at the turning point. I hope all goes well.

Only 2 DPO and already extremely impatient. I will try to wait until the 11th to test, that's 10 DPO. I want to see what a BFP looks like!!! If wishing could only make it so!

Thursday, April 27, 2006


Karma, it something I do really believe in. Not the I would live or die by it, but I think that there is a certain balance in the universe that if you do the right thing, the right thing will be done to you. So that said. I ask - how bad is my Karma!!!

I am really struggling with not liking myself lately. I don't like feeling bitter and resentful and jealous. These are all horrible feelings and they make me feel like a horrible person. But I can't help it, that's how I feel. I realized more last night as I shared my tale with my SIL, that I feel more desperate this month. I know that this is my last month of Clomid and I want it to work so badly that I am petrified it won't. Then I will have to move on the other options. So my desperation is making me more envious of those around me that are achieving what I can't.

It's not that I don't love those people and wish the best for them, nor would I want them to struggle with what I am, but still I can't help feeling that I wish I was doing it too. I wish there was a way to make this baby longing stop. I don't like this desperate, out of control feeling. Maybe time really does heal all wounds.

I thought by forcing myself to deal head on with those around me who are pregnant or who have kids, it would be like putting rubbing alcohol on a cut and eventually it would stop stinging. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

So, I must try harder to dig into the depths of my soul and find what I need to move on. I never thought this would be my biggest challenge. I thought the easy part would be getting pregnant. Who knew...

Wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I had three wishes. I hate the word wish. Yearning, longing, desire, aspiration, maybe I should come up with some synonyms.

Monday, April 24, 2006


I survived the weekend with the pregnant relative and the baby shower. I did pretty well. I curbed my jealousy and was able to participate whole-heartedly in most of the baby conversations.

You know how baby showers go. Everyone tells their birth story or the amazing thing that happened to their friend, when they delivered, or how much their babies weighed, etc.. I wanted to ask if anyone has delivered their hubby's sperm to the lab after harbouring it inside their sweater to keep it warm during the car ride there or been crazy hormonal after the third round of fertility drugs. But, of course, I didn't, I kept my mouth shut and let the guest of honour have her moment.

I only had two internal melt downs (which I kept pretty well contained and no one not even Clark noticed). One was when the said pregnant relative began to explain how she doesn't yet feel a real sense of connection with the unborn baby she is carrying nor likes the pregnancy sensation, (ie baby moving around inside of her). WTF!! I feel soooo connected to the child I haven't even conceived yet!! I so physically ache at times to be pregnant and eventually hold my baby, that I just can't understand it. I mean I realize I have never been PG and I know is extremely physically demanding, but to be able to orchestrate this miracle of life within you and at your whim, is truly amazing. The second was when we were given the nursery as our place to spend the night. But I did OK. I kept it together. Mostly.

What I have come to understand is maybe after this little journey of mine I will appreciate life's miracles to their fullest and my children more. Having had to wait and work for them. I have given so much thought to the relationship I want to have with my future kids. I love my job, but I want to make them my priority. I have worked hard to create them and I won't take a second of it for granted.

Nor, when I finally do get PG, will I curse it, I will embrace morning sickness and stretch marks and weight gain with all I am. I hope. Maybe someday I will look back on this post and realize how naive I am. But I want to get there. And all those symptoms are only short stops on the road to parenthood, right now I am in line at the toll booth, but once I pay the toll, I am going full speed ahead and will take what comes with eager anticipation. I just hope the line moves quickly...

Friday, April 21, 2006

Clomid, Coffee, Tissue?...

OK, so I was wrong about being weepy or emotional. The clomid has kicked in full force, I was very down yesterday and feeling no so hot today.

I am incredibly unfocused again. This was a pretty good week, I stay focused most of the time, but I woke up yesterday after a dream of decorating a nursery. Must have been all the shopping I have been doing for baby gifts lately. I spent an hour and a half picking out a gift yesterday. And I loved it, I wandered and touched and dreamed about every baby item and what I would buy for myself.

But all of that dreaming and wishing doesn't change reality. I am still going at this game full force. My dreams for a 2006 baby have been dashed or hope for getting PG before my 30 B-day in 2 weeks, yeah, over.

But what will be, will be. I can't control anymore than I already am. I was really short with Clark yesterday and have really lost my desire to discuss it in great detail with him. Talking about it or analyzing what we can do differently this month doesn't seem to change anything. It just drains my energy and makes him think I am crazy and obsessive (which are true, but he doesn't need to know).

To top it all off, I am off to another baby shower tomorrow. My back is out and challenging me hourly and I am becoming increasingly alarmed about the amount of pelvic pain I am having. The pain in my pelvis is not unbearable, more like really intense cramps. But I have read lots about OHSS on clomid and that's a bit scary, I suppose if it gets worse, I'll call my DR.

That's my update for now, trying to keep my head up and my faith and hope alive. Only CD5, how will I get through this cycle with my sanity...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Somebody Pushed the Reset Button... Again

Yup, today is CD2. My favourite monthly vistor arrived yesterday to wrap up a nice long weekend. But I knew. I am not surprised. I am just disappointed.

So luckliy I have all of my supplies coming in the mail. I started my Clomid today. A day earlier than prescribed by my doctor. But I have been reading that soemtimes taking it earlier in your cycle has better success rates. So why not? It didn't work the last 2 months, listening to my Doctor's orders, so why not shake it up.

I'm getting totally serious this month. I am giving this month my best try ever. This is the last round of Clomid, before moving on to the RE and more invasive procedures. I somehow feel more relaxed this month. Tired and unexciteable, but more relaxed. I think I need to take a step back from it all. I haven't been as weepy or emotional, so I'm not sure if that is good or bad. I feel kind of numb. Like I don't want to feel, I am on auto pilot.

Well, I guess, here we go again!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

One More Kick At The Cat??

I was just reading the "Desperately Seeking Baby" Blog, and she talks about being grateful. Which is something I think about constantly. I am grateful and I have loads to be thankful for.

1. A great husband
2. An adorable furry kid, whom a love like a child.
3. Financial stability, home ownership and a job I love.
4. A wonderful family and a few very good close friends.
5. My health, my husband's health.

So why do I feel incomplete and will I always feel that way? I hope not. I guess you move past the raw pain when you decide to remain child-free (don't like that term - will discuss later). I am frightened, really scared. I think this cycle is coming to an end. My visitor is on her way, I can tell. I did an HPT this morning at what I estimate to be 10DPO. And of course it was negative.

So now what... I kind of want to scream, I don' f^&%ing know!! Because I don't. I'm again really pissed and scared. I have one more clomid cycle. I called the pharmacy yesterday and ordered my refill. I also ordered more OPTs. Although I told Clark, I am not testing this month. I lied. He doesn't need the pressure. So I will not tell him when it is O day. In fact, I don't think I will tell him I have my monthly visitor so he can't do the math.

So why do I order all this when AF has not arrived, well, I have given up Hope. In fact I may change my name. I have moved to Despair. The definition of despair is misery, to lose hope, gloom, desolation and dejection, to be hopeless. Yup, that pretty much sums up how I feel. I need to find a way to let go of the obsession and desperation. To stop tormenting myself (and Clark) each month. Taking the meds, waiting and measuring for O, doing the dance like crazy and then waiting for the crimson tide to arrive. I need to find a way to break the cycle (no pun intended). But how?

I have to set a yard stick for myself. I will do this next cycle wholeheartedly. I will do the OPTs, take the Progesterone tests and give it one more kick at the cat. Then I need to move into acceptance. Before I am committed. I can't live like this. I am not saying that I am going to stop trying to conceive (I don't know that I will ever make the decision to stop). I am just not investing as much emotionally into this. I can't. The roller coaster I have been on for the past 9 cycles is like torture.

However, this child-free thing. I scoff at. I don't think I will ever choose to live child-free (as opposed to child-less), as all the psychology books refer to it as. These infertiles do not choose to be child-free or they wouldn't have spent the last 10 years (and endless amounts of money)trying to get pregnant. That is just a term they use to fool themselves into thinking they had some control over it. I will always feel child-less in my heart, if I don't have children. Using the term 'free' indicates this is a positive thing and something you want like being fat-free or carb-free. Whatever. However you refer to it still feels the same and it feels like SHIT!!

So I am starting the steps to protect myself from the hurt that looms. I need to start thinking about the possibility that we may not be able to have kids and start processing it. Mainly so I don't have a mental breakdown when the realization hits me.

Clark, on the other had is dealing with this in his own way. He is in denial and a non-dealing phase. Doesn't want to talk about, doesn't think it will end in any way other than we will have a child. I would like to be all optimistic, but... I'm not. I'm a realist and the reality is I don't know how this is going to end (or when). No one does. All I know is that I had better prepare myself for all possible outcomes and be willing to accept my life as it is. I'm not there yet, I just got on the road, but I need to start the journey, to keep my sanity.

I sit here with cramps, knowing the mourning of this cycle is only a day or so away. Perfect timing for the 2 baby showers I have coming up in the next 2 weekends. Great. But I must keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because what other choice is there?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Strategy... for now

Well, today is cycle day 18, and 3 days past ovulation, I think. I got a postive OPT on the weekend. Now I settle in for the wait. I have already counted the days until I can test.

I hate this time of my cycle. OK, who am I kidding, I hate my entire cycle. It starts out with Clomid and it's lovely side effects (as if the acne or the hot flashes weren't enough, there's the insomnia and weird dreams). It then progresses to waiting and hoping for the Big O and then counting the days until the Home Pregnancy Test will be accurate. And then ends with a lot of disappointment.

It was a pretty rough weekend emotionally for both me and Clark. He's really stressed about all of this and I am very emotional. I feel very weepy most of the time and am having a great deal of trouble concentrating. As I sit and write this I am even having a tough time getting a hold of my emotions. ( I know the clomid really doesn't help with this). I hope this phase passes soon. I almost want to stop hoping and having faith because the disappointment every month is almost more than I can bear.

I do have one more round of Clomid before the referral to the RE. So my strategy for the moment is to do this testing, trying, hoping thing for one more month and then... I don't know maybe take a break for a while before we move on to anything more advanced. I guess we will see the RE and what he has to say about our options first. But I don't know if I can just jump into an IUI or injectables. I need a month or 2 where I don't have to pee on a stick 10 times.

I don't want to hold out too much hope this month, I don't feel anything different, I stopped analyzing every cramp and twinge long ago, but I do kind of expect to know if I do get pregnant, in some way. To feel something different. But who knows!

So I am going to try not to do a HPT until maybe the 13th or 14th, I will likely have my monthly visitor by then anyway. We'll see if I can hold out that long. Sometimes the urge to POAS is just too strong!!

Maybe this month will be my month, my lunar chart showed fertility over the weekend, and if I am pregnant, we likely conceived on April Fool's Day, which is kind of funny and ironic. I say bring on the April Fool's Baby, which by the way would be due 2 days after Christmas!!! (Yes, I really do spend this much time thinking about it.) Please pray that no one commits me before I get to POAS again - I likely need to be committed!!!

Friday, March 31, 2006


So in the beginning we decided not to tell too many people we were 'trying'. In fact the only people I told were one family member who had also just started to try (who is due in May) and my best friend. This was mainly Clark's decision, but I respected that, besides, I figured it wouldn't take long before we were sharing our good news with everyone.

After the news in December I told my mom, because I was cranky and a bit pissed that this whole process was no longer within my control and I needed to vent. Part of my reason for this blog is just that - an outlet for the emotions I can't seem to put anywhere else. I go through the explanantion of our situation and then always follow it up with something the other person wants to hear, - like 'everything happens for a reason' or 'what will be will be' or my favourite - 'we'll get there evetually we just don't know how yet.' Do I believe any of this feel good shit? Not really. I try very hard to mask the fact that I am bitter and resentful and angry and scared to death!!!

Why can't I just be honest about my feelings? I guess partly because I don't want to appear to be a horrible person who only thinks about myself, and partly because I don't want to be weak. Right now at the stage I am at, I feel mostly scared, not of the tests and the procedures but of the outcome. Will I ever get my dream baby? Will I be able to give birth to my own flesh & blood, a child that has Clark's sensitivity and humour, my hair and eyes, and Clark's nose? These are the questions that haunt me daily. Does it make me horrible to ache for my child and dream about bringing them home for the first time and visualize seeing my husband hold our child for the first time. I don't know, I think it makes me human.

So let me put this out there right away. Adoption, not against it, may consider it, but haven't yet mourned my own reproductive disability. Or grieved for the child of our genes, that may not be. Ok, I'm being a little dramatic here, but the point is for the few people who have brought this up to me, yes I think it's wonderful that I would be able to provide for a child, any child. Yes, I know I could love a child that was not of my flesh, no doubts there. But the fact is I don't want to entertain that idea, until I have exhausted all the other possibilities.

That being said, am I getting a little ahead of myself you ask? We've really only been going at this for 8 or 9 months, I know. But I am faced with the bleak possibility that there are real issues with both of us that are going to make things somewhat difficult. My girlfriend acts as though I am being incredibly impatient (and I am). But I think my impatience comes from the fear & desperation. I want it to happen so badly that I'm afraid it never will.

Please understand, I am a problem solver by nature. I see the problem, I research the options and exhaust them all until the problem is fixed. I feel much like I am banging my head against a brick wall, can't find the solution and have to rely on others (not my forte) to assist. I could probably attend medical school at this point, I have read so much about conception and assisted reproductive technology.

So I have told a few more people our situation, not many, but a few close friends and family members who seemed interested. Maybe someday, I will let them read this blog, or not.

So I move forward today, mid-cycle, CD13, to be exact, with the hopes of the Big O (with a little help from our friend Clomid) today or tomorrow, still filled with hope & possibility, that maybe this month...

Stay tuned & we'll see...

Thursday, March 30, 2006


Hi, welcome to my little corner of the world!! Seeing as how you stumbled onto this blog, I can only assume you too have an interest in the rocky world of infertility. As this is my first post (and I must confess, I'm a little nervous), I'll start with some background.

As indicated in the 'About Me' sidebar, I am (very) quickly approaching my 30th Birthday, which I was not so upset about until I discovered that the whole concept of having my first baby before I turned 30, was not going to be the piece of cake I assumed it would be.

So my adventures in Baby-Making really began in August 2005. My dear Husband, Clark and I decided it was time to go off the pill, we had been married about 6 months and were ready to take those fist wobbly steps towards adding a little person to our family. I, of course, had no concerns, all of my girlfriends had children (mostly by accident), so I mean how hard could it be. I saw my Gynocolgist that month for my yearly exam, everything appeared OK and I told her we were jumping on the Baby Train. Dr. Optimistic said good luck and scheduled me another appointment for the first week in December, telling me to reschedule if I found out I was pregnant before then. I remember thinking to myself 'I'll be pregnant by Christmas'.

So the following few months passed, October became November and December arrived. By now I was a little disheartened and a bit surprised, but Clark and I both agreed sometimes these things just take a little time. I went to see Dr. Optimistic, who was also a little surprised, but agreed 4 months was nothing. Just to be sure, she sent me to have some hormone levels checked and asked Clark to submit a sample for a Semen Analysis. She wanted me back in 3 months and said to talk to Clark about maybe starting me on a Fertility drug called Clomid then. She also suggested using an ovulation predictor test (OPT) to narrow down my fertile time.

The end of February, I was back at Dr. Optimistic's office. By now I was concerned, something must be wrong, I never got a positive reading on any of the OPTs I took and tried charting my temperature, but it was all over the place and just made me more crazy. I had researched all I could find about Clomid and it seemed a good option. I had made up my mind that we would get me ovulating regularly and that would be it!! I arrived at Dr. O's and she presented me with the test results she had. All bad... It appeared from my progesterone levels, I was not in fact ovulating and to add insult to injury, Clark's results were not good either. Low count, low motility. Blah, blah, blah!! I shut down mentally right then, she talked about IUI possibilities, still putting me on the clomid, having Clark retested. I heard nothing, except the resounding WTF in my head!! She gave me the prescription for Clomid, for 3 months, the requistions for more tests for both of us and I stumbled out to my car.

I did manage to not cry until the car door shut and then the flood gates opened, right there in the parking lot. I lost it, how the F&^K could this be happening. I went throught the bitterness, the anger, all of it, I was pissed. But I pulled myself together and went to get my prescription filled.

I go through the highs and lows everyday in dealing with this TTC BS and some days are better than others, as I'm sure you will all come to discover and as many of you fellow infertiles know. As for where I am now, middle of clomid cycle number 2 and awaiting my referral to an Reproductive Endrocrinologist. Yup, still no luck, but boy can I pee on a stick with amazing accuracy, and Clark now knows how to read the results of an OPT, something I'm sure he always wanted to know.

Please continue to read and I'll keep you posted on my sometimes frustrating journey.