Saturday, June 28, 2008

I make plans and God laughs...

My cycle was cancelled yesterday. I cannot tell you how utterly and totally disappointed I am. I am having a really hard time functioning today, I came home from work early yesterday. I might take Monday off.

My estra.diol was too low. It actually dropped. I can't believe it. At my scan yesterday morning there were 8 decent follies or so they thought. But they tell me with a drop in e2 that could indicate empty follies and they would hate for me to get all the way to retrieval and find we have no eggs!!! I guess I am glad that it got cancelled fairly early on. We get back 80% of our money at least.

I am really actually feeling quite angry. I know this is normal, I just feel like I can't catch a freakin' break no matter what I do. I have the everything is against me feelings right now. I'm just bummed out totally. I know there will be another cycle, it's just I had everything in place for this happen NOW!!!

The clinic says I can start my next ivf cycle as soon as I get my period which should follow it's normal cycle, so in 2-3 weeks, I guess.

I just can't believe this shit keeps happening to me. In better news Clark got a permanent position!!! Finally, so no more worrying about contracts every year!! However, the same day he found out, his car blew up!! So we are shopping for a new vehicle over the summer.

I'm going to try to scrape through the rest of the weekend, I'm going to have a drink tonight! Screw it!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

A Work In Progress...

Well, I got 2 injections under my belt so far. They went pretty smoothly. I went for a u/s and b/w on Sunday. All appeared well. Started injections that night and go back for just blood on Wednesday a.m.

It all feels a little unreal still. Sort of like this is a dream or I'm reading about someone else's life. I have done a lot of baby day-dreaming these past few days. Will this really be it, will this really be the thing that does it for us. Will we finally be a family? Can I hope this much?

I can and I will. I have to admit to myself, I have all my hopes and dreams pinned on this ivf. I really don't see it not working. I just won't accept that. I just won't.

Estimated retrieval date is a week from Saturday. The 5th. We'll see how I follow their plan (or not!).

Friday, June 20, 2008

Let's Get Rolling...

With the IVF that is. That's right cd1 today! I just excited to get this cycle started. I had some spotting this morning and wasn't sure if i should call this day one, but it's heavy bright spotting now, so I'm calling in my day 1 to the clinic as soon as I get home from work.

I need to check my instructions at home to see if I need to go day 2 or 3 for the baseline b/w! Although I know they will call me to confirm!

So we're off and rolling, I guess that means I start injections on Sunday!! I never thought I would be so excited to just get started!

Please wish me luck and keep us in you thoughts and prayers as this cycle progresses! I know this is going to be our answer. I just know it.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Patiently Waiting...

Ok, maybe not so patiently, but waiting nonetheless! I have thought my period would show herself by now. But nowhere in sight! CD 24 today.m But the later the better for my week off following retrieval and transfer. The later into July really the better for my work schedule.

So I believe everything will happen as it should. I have to.

So my fears right now surrounding this impending cycle include worry about mixing the meno.pur correctly. It doesn't seem hard, but a little odd. I will be weird to inject this powdery mixture, I'm curious to see how it looks after mixing? I know once I do a few I'll be ok with it, I was worried about the pen injections as first too and I managed fine with them. And remembering all the right meds to take at the right time. I wondered if they keep me on the estr.ace as well or I stop that when injections start. We'll see.

My biggest fear of course is my failure to respond. Followed by the actual process of the the egg retrieval itself. My clinic does not give you anesthetic for the procedure, just some mild sedative and pain meds and of course local freezing. I asked if I would remember it and they said yes. I am very scared about the physical discomforts of this. I hope I don't freak out. I guess you have to keep your eye on the prize.

The whole thing seems a little daunting right now, but like the iuis I'm sure when I get full swing into the process, it'll all come together for me. I'm very unfocused right now, thankfully work has slowed down and I have some time to peruse my thoughts.

I'm scared, but I'm so excited at the same time. I just can't believe I am doing this, I never, ever thought I would be writing about my own ivf experience. So surreal. But I am so hopeful and full of anticipation for what is to come.

Monday, June 16, 2008

This and That...

So I am waiting for my period. CD 22 today and could be anywhere in the next week. My cycles are notoriously short after a failed iui. So I am actually expecting it in the next few days. Which, by the way, will be a blessing, as I am just ready to get this first ivf cycle started already!!

At first I was dragging my feet, but now I have made the decision and I'm ready! I just want to get on with it. I am so impatient, you would think, if anything this infertility journey would teach me some patience. I'm getting better, I realize I don't have a lot of control, so we wait.

I have such mixed emotions about everything right now. Could be the est.race I started on Saturday. Or could be this feels just like such a gigantic step. Hopefully the next gigantic step in getting me the babies that I want.

It's sort of scary of course, the unknown always is. It's kind of exciting because I keep thinking, maybe this will be the thing that WORKS! Maybe this will be IT!!! And it's kind of sobering, because - what if it's not? It kind of makes me anxious about all that we will learn about my eggs and the embryos we make etc. It also kind of makes me hopeful, which in turn is scary. So I guess we have come full circle. I'm everywhere and nowhere all at once! I pray. I pray. I pray. I pray. I could just type that over and over again. But then you would stop reading this, wouldn't you?

I am just trying to focus on each day as they come. The weekend was enjoyable! See below for new pics of my puppies. They make me smile so many times in a day. I am so grateful for the joy and companionship they bring to my life. I have been out walking a lot more because they enjoy it so much, and that is so good for me, because I need the exercise. I did some gardening and entertaining on the weekend and just tried to kick back as much as possible and appreciate and enjoy my surroundings.

A little word on the permanent job front for Clark. Don't want to say too much yet, but we're keeping our fingers crossed. Especially in light of the recent ivf expenses, which I paid on Friday. YIKES! And the fact that our second car is about to crap out!! It's all doable, just not ideal, but then as I have learned, what is the definition of ideal??

In more mixed emotional news, my co-worker shared with me that she is pg! I am happy for her and please note she did not get pg in 2 months they have been trying for a while, this is her 2nd. But still the news was somehow hard for me to hear, of course I said all the appropriate things and didn't melt down in the privacy of my office or anything, but it stung a little I guess, does that ever go away? I don't like that feeling.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Why does it feel like starting over?

We took the plunge!! I paid the $500 (non-refundable) deposit for our IVF. I picked up the nearly $3000 worth of drugs prescribed for me. HOLY SH*T! Thank god for our drug plan which covered every last penny!!! I have never left a pharmacy with 2 shopping bags of drugs. This experience get more and more surreal by the moment.

I'm happy to be moving onto the next step. I hope this is the step that works. All of you girls who commented on my last post and have been with me through most of this journey (special thanks Chas and Kirsten!) made me feel like I can do this. Your success stories only give me hope. I hope this works for us too!

We had our consult yesterday to determine the course of treatment and make some preliminary decisions (which I know could change throughout the process, depending on me and how I respond) but we have a tentative plan in place. The RE's feeling after watching me through 4 iuis is that our main problem is an ovulation one. The PCOS etc, just seems to keep me from ovulating and they feel I didn't respond terribly well to the pure.gon and seemed to indicate that 100iu is a high dose and I still only had 2 follies and pretty low E2. So they are doing a slightly different course of treatment. They are not suppressing me. I now that's weird, I have never talked to anyone that wasn't suppressed. But that's what they feel will be best for me. They are afraid I won't 'turn back on'. So I start Estr.ace on day 20 and call with the first day of next period. From there I have a baseline u/s and bloodwork. Start 225 iu injections of Meno.pur and then add in some orgalu.tran when they tell me. We decided against doing ICSI this time. Clark's counts have been decent and the clinic felt he has had more than enough sperm to fertilize even 15 eggs (which is probably more than most people have) and his motility and morph are perfect.

I know we will learn alot about our problems this cycle. I'm deathly afraid it's a fertilization issue or a chromosomal problem. But they keep telling me the 2 m/c have just been bad luck, they have no medical reasons for them. I'm also deathly afraid of having no or very few follies. Of course, ideally we would have some embryos left over to freeze for either a 2nd attempt if this is not successful or for baby #2 (or 3?). But at this point I am just trying to keep things in perspective and take it one step at a time.

I am also terrified of the retrieval. I don't think I am a big wimp, but the thought of that procedure scares the crap out of me (any advice welcome here). The other thing that surprised me was the mixing of the injections, who knew I would have powder and liquid and have to mix this stuff up? Interesting.

So for now I am trying to wrap my head around it all and keep my eye on the prize. I am still working through a few feelings of bitterness, I'm feeling a little sad that it has come to this but at the same time excited to move onto the next big step. I'm a roller coaster right now!!! The money end of things is a bit daunting to say the least and there is a little fear that this is kind of our last hope, we will attempt more than one ivf, but I mean I just hope ivf is the answer to our prayers.

So for now one day at a time.