Thursday, April 27, 2006


Karma, it something I do really believe in. Not the I would live or die by it, but I think that there is a certain balance in the universe that if you do the right thing, the right thing will be done to you. So that said. I ask - how bad is my Karma!!!

I am really struggling with not liking myself lately. I don't like feeling bitter and resentful and jealous. These are all horrible feelings and they make me feel like a horrible person. But I can't help it, that's how I feel. I realized more last night as I shared my tale with my SIL, that I feel more desperate this month. I know that this is my last month of Clomid and I want it to work so badly that I am petrified it won't. Then I will have to move on the other options. So my desperation is making me more envious of those around me that are achieving what I can't.

It's not that I don't love those people and wish the best for them, nor would I want them to struggle with what I am, but still I can't help feeling that I wish I was doing it too. I wish there was a way to make this baby longing stop. I don't like this desperate, out of control feeling. Maybe time really does heal all wounds.

I thought by forcing myself to deal head on with those around me who are pregnant or who have kids, it would be like putting rubbing alcohol on a cut and eventually it would stop stinging. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

So, I must try harder to dig into the depths of my soul and find what I need to move on. I never thought this would be my biggest challenge. I thought the easy part would be getting pregnant. Who knew...

Wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I had three wishes. I hate the word wish. Yearning, longing, desire, aspiration, maybe I should come up with some synonyms.

Monday, April 24, 2006


I survived the weekend with the pregnant relative and the baby shower. I did pretty well. I curbed my jealousy and was able to participate whole-heartedly in most of the baby conversations.

You know how baby showers go. Everyone tells their birth story or the amazing thing that happened to their friend, when they delivered, or how much their babies weighed, etc.. I wanted to ask if anyone has delivered their hubby's sperm to the lab after harbouring it inside their sweater to keep it warm during the car ride there or been crazy hormonal after the third round of fertility drugs. But, of course, I didn't, I kept my mouth shut and let the guest of honour have her moment.

I only had two internal melt downs (which I kept pretty well contained and no one not even Clark noticed). One was when the said pregnant relative began to explain how she doesn't yet feel a real sense of connection with the unborn baby she is carrying nor likes the pregnancy sensation, (ie baby moving around inside of her). WTF!! I feel soooo connected to the child I haven't even conceived yet!! I so physically ache at times to be pregnant and eventually hold my baby, that I just can't understand it. I mean I realize I have never been PG and I know is extremely physically demanding, but to be able to orchestrate this miracle of life within you and at your whim, is truly amazing. The second was when we were given the nursery as our place to spend the night. But I did OK. I kept it together. Mostly.

What I have come to understand is maybe after this little journey of mine I will appreciate life's miracles to their fullest and my children more. Having had to wait and work for them. I have given so much thought to the relationship I want to have with my future kids. I love my job, but I want to make them my priority. I have worked hard to create them and I won't take a second of it for granted.

Nor, when I finally do get PG, will I curse it, I will embrace morning sickness and stretch marks and weight gain with all I am. I hope. Maybe someday I will look back on this post and realize how naive I am. But I want to get there. And all those symptoms are only short stops on the road to parenthood, right now I am in line at the toll booth, but once I pay the toll, I am going full speed ahead and will take what comes with eager anticipation. I just hope the line moves quickly...

Friday, April 21, 2006

Clomid, Coffee, Tissue?...

OK, so I was wrong about being weepy or emotional. The clomid has kicked in full force, I was very down yesterday and feeling no so hot today.

I am incredibly unfocused again. This was a pretty good week, I stay focused most of the time, but I woke up yesterday after a dream of decorating a nursery. Must have been all the shopping I have been doing for baby gifts lately. I spent an hour and a half picking out a gift yesterday. And I loved it, I wandered and touched and dreamed about every baby item and what I would buy for myself.

But all of that dreaming and wishing doesn't change reality. I am still going at this game full force. My dreams for a 2006 baby have been dashed or hope for getting PG before my 30 B-day in 2 weeks, yeah, over.

But what will be, will be. I can't control anymore than I already am. I was really short with Clark yesterday and have really lost my desire to discuss it in great detail with him. Talking about it or analyzing what we can do differently this month doesn't seem to change anything. It just drains my energy and makes him think I am crazy and obsessive (which are true, but he doesn't need to know).

To top it all off, I am off to another baby shower tomorrow. My back is out and challenging me hourly and I am becoming increasingly alarmed about the amount of pelvic pain I am having. The pain in my pelvis is not unbearable, more like really intense cramps. But I have read lots about OHSS on clomid and that's a bit scary, I suppose if it gets worse, I'll call my DR.

That's my update for now, trying to keep my head up and my faith and hope alive. Only CD5, how will I get through this cycle with my sanity...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Somebody Pushed the Reset Button... Again

Yup, today is CD2. My favourite monthly vistor arrived yesterday to wrap up a nice long weekend. But I knew. I am not surprised. I am just disappointed.

So luckliy I have all of my supplies coming in the mail. I started my Clomid today. A day earlier than prescribed by my doctor. But I have been reading that soemtimes taking it earlier in your cycle has better success rates. So why not? It didn't work the last 2 months, listening to my Doctor's orders, so why not shake it up.

I'm getting totally serious this month. I am giving this month my best try ever. This is the last round of Clomid, before moving on to the RE and more invasive procedures. I somehow feel more relaxed this month. Tired and unexciteable, but more relaxed. I think I need to take a step back from it all. I haven't been as weepy or emotional, so I'm not sure if that is good or bad. I feel kind of numb. Like I don't want to feel, I am on auto pilot.

Well, I guess, here we go again!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

One More Kick At The Cat??

I was just reading the "Desperately Seeking Baby" Blog, and she talks about being grateful. Which is something I think about constantly. I am grateful and I have loads to be thankful for.

1. A great husband
2. An adorable furry kid, whom a love like a child.
3. Financial stability, home ownership and a job I love.
4. A wonderful family and a few very good close friends.
5. My health, my husband's health.

So why do I feel incomplete and will I always feel that way? I hope not. I guess you move past the raw pain when you decide to remain child-free (don't like that term - will discuss later). I am frightened, really scared. I think this cycle is coming to an end. My visitor is on her way, I can tell. I did an HPT this morning at what I estimate to be 10DPO. And of course it was negative.

So now what... I kind of want to scream, I don' f^&%ing know!! Because I don't. I'm again really pissed and scared. I have one more clomid cycle. I called the pharmacy yesterday and ordered my refill. I also ordered more OPTs. Although I told Clark, I am not testing this month. I lied. He doesn't need the pressure. So I will not tell him when it is O day. In fact, I don't think I will tell him I have my monthly visitor so he can't do the math.

So why do I order all this when AF has not arrived, well, I have given up Hope. In fact I may change my name. I have moved to Despair. The definition of despair is misery, to lose hope, gloom, desolation and dejection, to be hopeless. Yup, that pretty much sums up how I feel. I need to find a way to let go of the obsession and desperation. To stop tormenting myself (and Clark) each month. Taking the meds, waiting and measuring for O, doing the dance like crazy and then waiting for the crimson tide to arrive. I need to find a way to break the cycle (no pun intended). But how?

I have to set a yard stick for myself. I will do this next cycle wholeheartedly. I will do the OPTs, take the Progesterone tests and give it one more kick at the cat. Then I need to move into acceptance. Before I am committed. I can't live like this. I am not saying that I am going to stop trying to conceive (I don't know that I will ever make the decision to stop). I am just not investing as much emotionally into this. I can't. The roller coaster I have been on for the past 9 cycles is like torture.

However, this child-free thing. I scoff at. I don't think I will ever choose to live child-free (as opposed to child-less), as all the psychology books refer to it as. These infertiles do not choose to be child-free or they wouldn't have spent the last 10 years (and endless amounts of money)trying to get pregnant. That is just a term they use to fool themselves into thinking they had some control over it. I will always feel child-less in my heart, if I don't have children. Using the term 'free' indicates this is a positive thing and something you want like being fat-free or carb-free. Whatever. However you refer to it still feels the same and it feels like SHIT!!

So I am starting the steps to protect myself from the hurt that looms. I need to start thinking about the possibility that we may not be able to have kids and start processing it. Mainly so I don't have a mental breakdown when the realization hits me.

Clark, on the other had is dealing with this in his own way. He is in denial and a non-dealing phase. Doesn't want to talk about, doesn't think it will end in any way other than we will have a child. I would like to be all optimistic, but... I'm not. I'm a realist and the reality is I don't know how this is going to end (or when). No one does. All I know is that I had better prepare myself for all possible outcomes and be willing to accept my life as it is. I'm not there yet, I just got on the road, but I need to start the journey, to keep my sanity.

I sit here with cramps, knowing the mourning of this cycle is only a day or so away. Perfect timing for the 2 baby showers I have coming up in the next 2 weekends. Great. But I must keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because what other choice is there?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Strategy... for now

Well, today is cycle day 18, and 3 days past ovulation, I think. I got a postive OPT on the weekend. Now I settle in for the wait. I have already counted the days until I can test.

I hate this time of my cycle. OK, who am I kidding, I hate my entire cycle. It starts out with Clomid and it's lovely side effects (as if the acne or the hot flashes weren't enough, there's the insomnia and weird dreams). It then progresses to waiting and hoping for the Big O and then counting the days until the Home Pregnancy Test will be accurate. And then ends with a lot of disappointment.

It was a pretty rough weekend emotionally for both me and Clark. He's really stressed about all of this and I am very emotional. I feel very weepy most of the time and am having a great deal of trouble concentrating. As I sit and write this I am even having a tough time getting a hold of my emotions. ( I know the clomid really doesn't help with this). I hope this phase passes soon. I almost want to stop hoping and having faith because the disappointment every month is almost more than I can bear.

I do have one more round of Clomid before the referral to the RE. So my strategy for the moment is to do this testing, trying, hoping thing for one more month and then... I don't know maybe take a break for a while before we move on to anything more advanced. I guess we will see the RE and what he has to say about our options first. But I don't know if I can just jump into an IUI or injectables. I need a month or 2 where I don't have to pee on a stick 10 times.

I don't want to hold out too much hope this month, I don't feel anything different, I stopped analyzing every cramp and twinge long ago, but I do kind of expect to know if I do get pregnant, in some way. To feel something different. But who knows!

So I am going to try not to do a HPT until maybe the 13th or 14th, I will likely have my monthly visitor by then anyway. We'll see if I can hold out that long. Sometimes the urge to POAS is just too strong!!

Maybe this month will be my month, my lunar chart showed fertility over the weekend, and if I am pregnant, we likely conceived on April Fool's Day, which is kind of funny and ironic. I say bring on the April Fool's Baby, which by the way would be due 2 days after Christmas!!! (Yes, I really do spend this much time thinking about it.) Please pray that no one commits me before I get to POAS again - I likely need to be committed!!!