Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Strategy... for now

Well, today is cycle day 18, and 3 days past ovulation, I think. I got a postive OPT on the weekend. Now I settle in for the wait. I have already counted the days until I can test.

I hate this time of my cycle. OK, who am I kidding, I hate my entire cycle. It starts out with Clomid and it's lovely side effects (as if the acne or the hot flashes weren't enough, there's the insomnia and weird dreams). It then progresses to waiting and hoping for the Big O and then counting the days until the Home Pregnancy Test will be accurate. And then ends with a lot of disappointment.

It was a pretty rough weekend emotionally for both me and Clark. He's really stressed about all of this and I am very emotional. I feel very weepy most of the time and am having a great deal of trouble concentrating. As I sit and write this I am even having a tough time getting a hold of my emotions. ( I know the clomid really doesn't help with this). I hope this phase passes soon. I almost want to stop hoping and having faith because the disappointment every month is almost more than I can bear.

I do have one more round of Clomid before the referral to the RE. So my strategy for the moment is to do this testing, trying, hoping thing for one more month and then... I don't know maybe take a break for a while before we move on to anything more advanced. I guess we will see the RE and what he has to say about our options first. But I don't know if I can just jump into an IUI or injectables. I need a month or 2 where I don't have to pee on a stick 10 times.

I don't want to hold out too much hope this month, I don't feel anything different, I stopped analyzing every cramp and twinge long ago, but I do kind of expect to know if I do get pregnant, in some way. To feel something different. But who knows!

So I am going to try not to do a HPT until maybe the 13th or 14th, I will likely have my monthly visitor by then anyway. We'll see if I can hold out that long. Sometimes the urge to POAS is just too strong!!

Maybe this month will be my month, my lunar chart showed fertility over the weekend, and if I am pregnant, we likely conceived on April Fool's Day, which is kind of funny and ironic. I say bring on the April Fool's Baby, which by the way would be due 2 days after Christmas!!! (Yes, I really do spend this much time thinking about it.) Please pray that no one commits me before I get to POAS again - I likely need to be committed!!!

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