Wednesday, April 12, 2006

One More Kick At The Cat??

I was just reading the "Desperately Seeking Baby" Blog, and she talks about being grateful. Which is something I think about constantly. I am grateful and I have loads to be thankful for.

1. A great husband
2. An adorable furry kid, whom a love like a child.
3. Financial stability, home ownership and a job I love.
4. A wonderful family and a few very good close friends.
5. My health, my husband's health.

So why do I feel incomplete and will I always feel that way? I hope not. I guess you move past the raw pain when you decide to remain child-free (don't like that term - will discuss later). I am frightened, really scared. I think this cycle is coming to an end. My visitor is on her way, I can tell. I did an HPT this morning at what I estimate to be 10DPO. And of course it was negative.

So now what... I kind of want to scream, I don' f^&%ing know!! Because I don't. I'm again really pissed and scared. I have one more clomid cycle. I called the pharmacy yesterday and ordered my refill. I also ordered more OPTs. Although I told Clark, I am not testing this month. I lied. He doesn't need the pressure. So I will not tell him when it is O day. In fact, I don't think I will tell him I have my monthly visitor so he can't do the math.

So why do I order all this when AF has not arrived, well, I have given up Hope. In fact I may change my name. I have moved to Despair. The definition of despair is misery, to lose hope, gloom, desolation and dejection, to be hopeless. Yup, that pretty much sums up how I feel. I need to find a way to let go of the obsession and desperation. To stop tormenting myself (and Clark) each month. Taking the meds, waiting and measuring for O, doing the dance like crazy and then waiting for the crimson tide to arrive. I need to find a way to break the cycle (no pun intended). But how?

I have to set a yard stick for myself. I will do this next cycle wholeheartedly. I will do the OPTs, take the Progesterone tests and give it one more kick at the cat. Then I need to move into acceptance. Before I am committed. I can't live like this. I am not saying that I am going to stop trying to conceive (I don't know that I will ever make the decision to stop). I am just not investing as much emotionally into this. I can't. The roller coaster I have been on for the past 9 cycles is like torture.

However, this child-free thing. I scoff at. I don't think I will ever choose to live child-free (as opposed to child-less), as all the psychology books refer to it as. These infertiles do not choose to be child-free or they wouldn't have spent the last 10 years (and endless amounts of money)trying to get pregnant. That is just a term they use to fool themselves into thinking they had some control over it. I will always feel child-less in my heart, if I don't have children. Using the term 'free' indicates this is a positive thing and something you want like being fat-free or carb-free. Whatever. However you refer to it still feels the same and it feels like SHIT!!

So I am starting the steps to protect myself from the hurt that looms. I need to start thinking about the possibility that we may not be able to have kids and start processing it. Mainly so I don't have a mental breakdown when the realization hits me.

Clark, on the other had is dealing with this in his own way. He is in denial and a non-dealing phase. Doesn't want to talk about, doesn't think it will end in any way other than we will have a child. I would like to be all optimistic, but... I'm not. I'm a realist and the reality is I don't know how this is going to end (or when). No one does. All I know is that I had better prepare myself for all possible outcomes and be willing to accept my life as it is. I'm not there yet, I just got on the road, but I need to start the journey, to keep my sanity.

I sit here with cramps, knowing the mourning of this cycle is only a day or so away. Perfect timing for the 2 baby showers I have coming up in the next 2 weekends. Great. But I must keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because what other choice is there?

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