Thursday, September 27, 2007


Ok, I am actually apprehensive about posting this at all today. But this is my documentation of all things infertility, so it would seem a rip off to all the people who actually read this (thanks to all of you for continuing to tune in) and myself if I didn't present all the facts.

So with that preface in place. Today is the day that the Nurse said we could 'cheat' and do a hpt. So as indicated in my past post, I am very impatient. So I did it. Ok, in the face of honesty, I actually did one with Clark last night after work, but was concerned it may be too early so didn't want to put too much stock in the results. So we did another before work this morning. And I am most cautiously, very quietly whispering the results to you. (They were both positive).

My beta is on Sunday. That's all I really want to say about things for now. We are very cautiously optimistic. We have been down this road before and are glaringly aware of the pitfalls. One day at a time. And please keep us in your prayers. I may be on holiday from blogland for awhile, just while this settles in. So please bear with me in the coming days. I'll probably post the beta results on Sunday, good, bad or ugly!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007


Ok, I am really only compelled to post again today to document symptoms. I am really starting to drive myself a bit batty. I already know I am testing before the weekend. How can I not?

I have fairly strong crampy feelings right at my pelvic bone, almost a pain in my pelvic bone, I do recall having this when I was pg last time. I kept thinking I was getting my period even after a + test. And that's sort of how I feel now. Of course, it could be my period trying to come through in spite of the suppositories, who knows? I just know I feel pain there. I really really hope that is good.

Not much good news for my fellow cycle sistas and their iui outcomes. Dianne@flutterof hope and Fertilize me are both dealing with a bfns following their iuis. So jump over and offer some support. Not much to encourage a girl still waiting. I know only too easily I may be joining them at the end of the week. So I am trying to tell myself that I will not fall apart, I know I will do another cycle in November, I know if that one doesn't work we'll move onto IVF, I know I am only 31, I know my hubby is amazing and wants this as much as I do and will continue down this path with me. I am soooo lucky that all of the drugs are covered and our provincial health care covers labs and u/s and dr appts and that all I have to pay for are the actual procedures. I know we will find a way to come up with the money for the procedures, even if it means going into debt. I know my life is good.

Then there is always the slim hope that it works out this time, and then I move on to the next stage of worry. Getting to 13 weeks, hell getting to 12 weeks, seeing as I didn't make it that far last time. At this point I just need to know. One way or another, yes or no, positive or negative. I think I have been fairly patient up until this point, but the home stretch is killing me. If I can just hang on a few more days.

Thanks for all the encouragement and support and prayers. This 2ww thing could drive a girl crazy!!

Monday, September 24, 2007


Well I have managed to get a week under my belt with out too much anxiety. I know the nurse told me I can poas on Thurs (15dpiui), but I don't know if I really want too. I still have the dream alive until I know for sure that I'm not. I know that is a really negative attitude, but well i don't have to explain it really do I?

In symptom watch, I am a little crampy, although I would call it more twingy or a pulling sensation very low, just above the hoo-ha. I am still doing the blessed va-jay-jay pills, so it could be the side effects from them. I am also damn tired, like couldn't get my butt of the couch for anything yesterday. And still bouts of nausea, not sure if that is still due to the met. But whatever, none of it means squat until I see 2 lines or a + beta. So why do I continue to speculate. Less than a week now.

Other than that life is busy and good. Still working on my house. Working hard at work. The usual. Keep your fingers crossed.

Monday, September 17, 2007


Good lord, is that it - 5 days! I feel like I have been waiting around forever.

One if the things I have made a big commitment to this cycle is the no drinking. Now, Before I continue, don't get me wrong, I not an alcoholic or anything, I don't require meetings, nor do I drink during the week usually. However, I really, really enjoy a couple glasses of wine or a martini or 2. And occasionally, I over indulge slightly. I have not even had a sniff of anything alcoholic since I last had my period. I vowed to myself that I would not drink ANYTHING for this entire cycle (and of course that will continue if by the grace of God I get a bfp!) I do have to say nothing warrants a drink like the 2ww, however I am holding true to my commitment. My downfall seems to be the caffeine, I'm drinking 2 caffeinated drinks a day right now and I worry that it may be too much?

In symptom watch, I have been feeling very bloated and crampy and EXTREMELY tired for the past few days, not to mention the sore bbs. Not that any symptoms really mean anything, because the nurse already warned me the prog suppositories mimic early pregnancy symptoms. Why do they do that to us, the infertile, just to give us something else to obsess over!?

The meds are continuing I feel like all I do is pop something in my mouth or up my hoo-ha! I am pretty used to doing the suppositories, I can't imagine doing this for 3 months though! But I will if it's a means to an end! Still doing the met. Side effects are minimal.

More or less needing a distraction these days. I have a busy week, so hopefully things will keep me preoccupied.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Over and Onward...

Well the actula IUI went smoothly. I t was pretty much what I expected. It was really fast so there was very little discomfort. I have had paps that were more painful.

The only downer of the day was that Clark's sample was a little bit lower count then we would have liked. I don't know what the total volume was, but after the wash it was 5.9 million. Which they assure me is still a decent number and totally worthwhile going through the procedure with. But apparently they really like to see it over 7 million after the wash. The upside is their motility was really good, as was morphology. So I'm not sure how good or bad any of that information is, as the dr reminded us, it really only does take one.

Yesterday, I felt terrible though. I think it was the combination of the ovi*drel and the cramping from the iui. Not too mention getting up so early. Feeling much more like myself, although, I am working from home today.

Well, now it's a waiting game. I go for my beta on the 30th (luteal day 18). The nurse told me if I cheat and do a HPT before the blood beta, not to do it before luteal day 15, which I guess is the same as 15 dpo. So that would be the 27th. I don't know if I will or not. Knowing me I probably will. Working on my patience for the next 2 weeks.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Crossroads...

That's what I feel I am upon. I got the call from my RE yesterday, Everything looks good to go ahead for Wednesday. I triggered last night at 10pm.

The trigger shot kind of scared me, but I did mind over matter mode, and got through it. Not feeling too bad yet this morning, so hopefully I will continue on this path.

All of my stuff is emotional. I have some anxiety surrounding all of this. I really am trying not to put all of my eggs, pardon the pun, into this basket. I really hope that this is the magic answer. But if I look deep into my heart of hearts, I know this may not work. Why do I feel filled with so much hope then? The next 18 days are going to be pure torture. I'll ask for sure tomorrow, but I think my beta will likely be October 1st. Seems like a life time away. How the hell do people stay sane through this. I know I have waited out worse. The 2 weeks between u/s when I miscarried was the truest form of hell I can ever imagine. But I know it will be weighing heavily on my mind.

In up beat news, my RL BF is getting induced tomorrow. How ironic that this day will be significant for both of us. She thinks it is a good vibe for both of us. She has been my friend for nearly 20 years and she has really been a rock for me through all of this. Early on in my fertility struggle, I think she didn't fully understand, but now that she is on the brink of welcoming her second child, she sees how important it is to me and knows why. We have been through a lot of ups and downs together and we always seem to be there at the most important times. Praying for an easy time for her tomorrow.

Also in upbeat ironic news, my breeder emailed me today and told me she has a 9 week old boston terrier that needs a home. A girl that is truly a cute as a button. What is this? The universe trying to distract me? Something to give me hope? I want her, but I have a feeling Clark will never agree. I'll mention it to him, we see.

Monday, September 10, 2007

2 more visits to the RE Clinic...

Well, I've been Saturday and today. Things are looking pretty good. Estradiol was 501 and LH was 2 on Saturday. Three follies, not sure on the exactmeasurements, but they were all between 1.3 and 1.7cm I believe.

Waiting on my bw results from today but had the follie scan, they have all gotten bigger, again, haven't got exact measurements on all of them, but the largest, was just over 2cm. So once they have my blood levels, they'll call this afternoon with the next step.

Hopefully the next step is trigge tonight and have the iui on Wednesday. We'll see. A little stressed about it all, but nothing I can't handle. I am definately preoccupied and am getting nothing done here at work.

Keeping everything crossed.

Thursday, September 06, 2007


I was feeling a little mopey after Nurse M called yesterday, but I have to remain positive, it's only our first try and we had all agreed that this would be a trial and error cycle until we see how I respond to the meds. Plus it's not over until it's over, I kind of feel like I won't really know anything until the scan on Saturday.

Then we'll see if I have any follies and how big they are, maybe the increased meds will do the trick! God, it's no wonder I can't get pg au naturale, it really is taking a village! I firmly believe that I have to have something happening in these tired old ovaries of mine. I had a scan on cd 9 last month and had 3 follies on one ovary and I think 1 or 2 on the other and that was only on the M*et. We didn't measure them, because it seemed pointless then, but I would be very surprised if nothing is going on in there now.

Well, I guess we'll see soon. Clark is going in to the city for me after work today, he commutes half way between our hometown and the big city anyway for work, so it seemed to make sense that he goes and picks up my additional pure.gon cartridge since I am going to be needing more now that the dose is increased. The rinky-dink pharmacies here don't stock it and can't get it in for a few days, and I'll be out by tomorrow. It actually ended up kind of nice that the scan will be on a Saturday, so Clark can go with me. Although it means getting up at 5am on a Saturday to be there for 7am for bw.

I was thinking yesterday as I was driving (was that only yesterday, it's hard for me to believe that it is only cd9, this has been the longest cycle of my life!) to the city, - will I ever tell my child the story of their conception? Will they know how much they were wanted and how much Clark and I prayed for their arrival, is it something you share with your child? Will I tell my daughter when she is contemplating children of her own how much I was willing to go through to hold my own child in my arms? Will I tell my son, when I see my grandchild for the first time, how many tears I cried in hopes of that moment? Will any of these dreams be realized and will any of these questions ever need answers? I hope so. I really hope this is all worth it in the end. I know when I look into my child's eyes for the first time, it will have all been worth it and more. I know it.

I also really feel this journey, in the end will make me a better parent and will never have me taking my kids for granted. I will treasure every mommy moment even the tired ones, and the hard ones and the scary ones. For this child I really do pray. God help me.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Stumbling Blocks

Nothing comes easy does it. Estrogen (I guess this is the estriadol number, although nurse m called it estrogen) is only 206, they like to see it between 250-500 on day 8. No scans for me until Saturday. Upping my pure.gon to 75iu. Great!

We'll see how this one plays out. Sometimes I think I set myself up for a self fulfilling prophecy.

Crap! What else can I say.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007


Wow, I didn't realize how long I have been away from posting. I have been checking in on all my blogobuddies. Glad to see everyone is still hanging in there.

Well the general nastiness of the M*et has subsided. I feel much better these days. Spacing my meds correctly seems to help. Today is cd7, I'm full swing into the injections (5th one tonight), which really aren't all that bad. Once I got through a couple, they go pretty easy now. I am still filled with a bit of fear, I go for blood tomorrow and then start my follie scans either Thurs or Fri. I'm nervous I won't respond the way they want me to and I'll end up with a cancelled cycle or no follies or something equally as disappointing. Why do I always have to think so far in advance. I wish I could just take one day at a time and try not to look too far into the future. But, alas, that's just not who I am.

I had a bit of a hormonal breakdown on Saturday morning after my first shot Friday night, mostly crying and extremely emotional, but I seem to have fought past it and have been ok for the last few days. I will drive into the city alone for my bw tomorrow (Clark has to work) so I hope that doesn't give me too much time to think and fret about what is to come.

So far the whole iui process has not been as hideous as I had thought. It's gone pretty smoothly up until this point, though now my nerves are playing a role, since I will start to get some test results this week and see how I am responding to the meds. I will be very interested to see how many follies I have and how big they are by week's end. They have yet to give me any indication as to when I will actually have the iui. I think possible Monday since the last pure.gon shot is Friday, assuming all goes as planned. Again, thinking too far ahead, I guess.

I have been telling all the people in RL who know the process I am on, that I know there is not a great chance that this will work and we may have to do a few iuis or move onto IVF and I know and accept that, however, if I am really honest with myself, although I know all that I say aloud is reality and I really only have a 20% or less chance that this cycle will work, I know I will be devastated if it results in a BFN. I have to embrace my true feelings and that is that I want this baby soooo bad, I am willing my body to finally act the way it is supposed to. I am actually still a little angry at it. Well, no sense in kidding myself into believing I will be OK if this cycle is a bust, I know it will hit me hard. And that means waiting until November to try again. Why do I get so far ahead of myself.

Anyway, I am trying to focus on one day at a time, one m*et pill, one vitamin, one shot at a time. I'll post any results I get later this week.

Addition: I forgot to add that I gave up on the acupuncture, didn't do it in August either, anyone have any opinions on whether I should continue with it? It was getting too expensive, now with the frequent trips to the city and iui costs etc., but if it would help, I'd do it still. Any thoughts?