Thursday, August 16, 2007

The nastiness of the meds...

Well I am plugging along, trying to keep busy. We are doing some renovations to our house so organizing contractors and all that is keeping me really busy, which is what I need right now.

I upped my M*et to the full dose today. 1700mg. I have been trying to build up to it. God, it's nasty, I puked out my car window this morning. I would like to fantasize that this could be morning sickness, but it's cd 17. A tad early for that. I know it's the meds. Yuck! I hope I soon get used to it.

Waiting for my period to start my first cycle. Patiently. Waiting.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Happy and Hopeful...

Surprisingly, that's how I am feeling after my RE appt. I LOVE my clinic, they are all so nice and reassuring and helpful and informative. So different from what I am used to from Dr. Optimistic here in my hometown! They told me basically the medical community in my hometown is sub-par. They thought it was insane that I did 7 months of cl0mid (albeit, not consecutive), they also thought it was ludicrous that I waited 2 weeks for a 2nd u/s after the first one showed no heartbeat, they mentioned that my gyn should not have been supportive of me going off the M*et. So that being said Clark told our nurse case manager in no uncertain terms that we wanted a referral to an OB in the big City if we do end up pg, they didn't feel that was a problem.

Ok, so let me tell you about how the appt was. We got to the clinic and they took us right in, we met our nurse case manager, I think we'll call her Nurse M, she is a cute and bubbly girl, about my age, maybe a little younger. We both really liked her. She answered all of our questions and I warned her that I ask a lot of questions and want to know the ins and outs of everything. She said that was great and she welcomed me to do my own research (like I need encouragement there, Dr. Google and I are very well acquainted!!) and ask her any questions that I come up with. I told her I may drive her crazy, but she seemed to think that was pretty normal! She talked us through what our first cycle would look like. Blood on day 2, pure*g0n for 8 days, Ovidr#el shot and of course the lovely suppositories and M*et through it all. Not too bad. I think I'll be fine with the shots once I get a couple under my belt (no pun intended!)

After our meeting with Nurse M we met with one of the other Drs in the clinic that we hadn't met yet. There are 4 in total. I think I liked her a little better than the last one, maybe because she is female or maybe because she has a no b.s. approach, Clark called her a ball-buster. But she was nice when she did my wanding, it surprises me how fast you get used to the wandings, they really don't bother me anymore. She had an interesting opinion, she didn't see any real red flags as to why we aren't getting pg, lining looked good, had three follies on my own this month! And she said the rest of my 'equipment' seems in order. She didn't think the blocked tubes are an issue, she said results of one HSG are not conclusive and the fact that I did in fact get pg once on my own supersedes any other diagnosis. So YIPPPEEE! We have been moved to unexplained! They are still treating me as a PCOS patient, so there's that, but it seems small in comparison, I don't know why being unexplained makes me feel better but it does.

So now I wait until my period arrives and as long as my day 2 blood work is good, onward to cycle #1 we go! I am just so glad to be doing something that feels productive!!! Nurse M is my go-to person at the clinic and she gave me her direct number and I can call her anytime, I like that.

I know the chances of the first IUI cycle working are slim, but I feel hopeful anyway. I am trying to be healthier too, I am giving up alcohol and reducing my caffeine, I might as well start acting pg. So please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Kirsten, thanks for you comments, I was really having a pity party the last month or so. I know that when I hold my baby in my arms for the first time, I won't care how they got here, just that they are here. Hopefully soon, the sting of infertility will be a distant sad memory, although I know it will always be there. If anything through all of this, I think I will appreciate being a mom more now, since I have had to work so hard for it. Now if I can just keep this positive momentum going through the next few months, things will be great!!!

Monday, August 06, 2007

Where I have been...

Here and there, out of the blogosphere. Trying hard to come to grips with my feelings. I'm feeling scared. Nervous. Anxious. Hopeful. Pessimistic. Scared (did I mention that already). Alone. Disappointed. Worried. I have so many feelings and thoughts and anxieties running through me right now, I am not sure if I am coming or going.

One more day and then I am off to my RE consult. I got my package in the mail about 2 weeks ago. It outlined my protocol for my iui. No time frame though. Will they start on my next cycle? It's cd 7 for me right now, so that means cd 9 when i see the RE. Will I be able to start on my next cycle? I guess I will find out. I am doing pure*g0n, prometr*-um and a shot of ovi*drel to make it all happen. It seems surreal, I know I have been blogging for over a year and dealing with all this infertility crap for longer, but it never really sunk in until, I realized the day after tomorrow I am going to get in my car drive an hour to another city and sit down with my RE, whom I have already seen twice to discuss, how he is going to try and get me pg. Then I am going to have someone teach me how to inject myself so that I can get pg. And on top of all that I am going to pay them money to do it. Not how I envisioned the conception of my first child. I was sort of thinking, ummm, a drunken party and great sex with my hubby! No, not happening.

So that's where I am going. I have been a bad blogger friend. I have not been here. Because I have been selfish, I have retreated to a place where I can deal. Deal with the emotions and feelings that keep creeping up inside me and threatening to overtake me. I was walking into a store today thinking about how bitching hot it is here 29C! And boom, it hit me, if I had not miscarried, I'd be due in less than 10 days, I'd be waddling around complaining about how hot it is and how swollen my feet are and all the other things pgs get to grumble about. But instead, I am planning my trip to the RE. To top off the chain of events, my period was 3 days late, and I had a somewhat ambiguous test that of course ended up being negative, but it's like the universe had to toy with me one last time. Blllaaaahhh! Frustrating.

I'm on a much needed vacation, so at least I am not all distracted at work. We were away, just got back on Saturday. I'm worried about some of our blogger girlfriends, what's up with passwords? Anyone know how Bumble or Baby Blues are doing?

I hope all is well, it's nice to hear Kirsten's girls are doing so well, I hope she gets them home soon. I'll be back with an update after my appointment. I don't know what else to say right now.