Monday, August 06, 2007

Where I have been...

Here and there, out of the blogosphere. Trying hard to come to grips with my feelings. I'm feeling scared. Nervous. Anxious. Hopeful. Pessimistic. Scared (did I mention that already). Alone. Disappointed. Worried. I have so many feelings and thoughts and anxieties running through me right now, I am not sure if I am coming or going.

One more day and then I am off to my RE consult. I got my package in the mail about 2 weeks ago. It outlined my protocol for my iui. No time frame though. Will they start on my next cycle? It's cd 7 for me right now, so that means cd 9 when i see the RE. Will I be able to start on my next cycle? I guess I will find out. I am doing pure*g0n, prometr*-um and a shot of ovi*drel to make it all happen. It seems surreal, I know I have been blogging for over a year and dealing with all this infertility crap for longer, but it never really sunk in until, I realized the day after tomorrow I am going to get in my car drive an hour to another city and sit down with my RE, whom I have already seen twice to discuss, how he is going to try and get me pg. Then I am going to have someone teach me how to inject myself so that I can get pg. And on top of all that I am going to pay them money to do it. Not how I envisioned the conception of my first child. I was sort of thinking, ummm, a drunken party and great sex with my hubby! No, not happening.

So that's where I am going. I have been a bad blogger friend. I have not been here. Because I have been selfish, I have retreated to a place where I can deal. Deal with the emotions and feelings that keep creeping up inside me and threatening to overtake me. I was walking into a store today thinking about how bitching hot it is here 29C! And boom, it hit me, if I had not miscarried, I'd be due in less than 10 days, I'd be waddling around complaining about how hot it is and how swollen my feet are and all the other things pgs get to grumble about. But instead, I am planning my trip to the RE. To top off the chain of events, my period was 3 days late, and I had a somewhat ambiguous test that of course ended up being negative, but it's like the universe had to toy with me one last time. Blllaaaahhh! Frustrating.

I'm on a much needed vacation, so at least I am not all distracted at work. We were away, just got back on Saturday. I'm worried about some of our blogger girlfriends, what's up with passwords? Anyone know how Bumble or Baby Blues are doing?

I hope all is well, it's nice to hear Kirsten's girls are doing so well, I hope she gets them home soon. I'll be back with an update after my appointment. I don't know what else to say right now.


Chas said...

Don't worry too much about the shots; you really do get used to them after a while. Also, you shouldn't apologize for being away. I have only recently started blogging about our infertility issues (on my private blog) and it's been going on for years.

Good luck w/ the appointment!!

Matt, Jen, and Grace said...

You always need to do whatever is right for you and take care of yourself. All of these crazy infertility feelings can take over and sometimes it is great to just take a break from it all (as much as that is possible).
Hoping things go well with your RE...
Jen H.

Kirsten said...

You know, only you know what is best for you. I completely understand the whole wanting to get away from the blogosphere from awhile. When I finally accepted that we would need more assistance that I ever expected, I had to get away from fertility friend and, honestly, it was a great decision. I stopped obsessing and got my mind back onto MY life. You do what you need to do. And I am right there with you...I totally envisioned a romantic evening with Daniel where we just "knew" that our child was conceived. Didn't happen. And looking back, it's a teeny, tiny thought...I don't care how it happened anymore. You will get will have your child, I just know it. This desire was put in your heart for a reason. You are taking the right steps. I know it's hard right now, you think of all the things that could have been, but one day these days will just be a memory and a stepping stone to where you have always been meant to be. A mommy.
Thanks for thinking of me & the girls...I check in on you every day to see a new post so I am SO glad to hear from you!!!

Sarah said...

bumble had a security breach, she'll send you the password if you let her know. let me know if you don't know how to get in touch.