Thursday, May 31, 2007

Along for the ride...

Thanks for the words of encouragement from those who commented. I appreciate it and somehow it does help to know that my feelings are normal, and this all-consuming obsession I have isn't unheard of!

Well, I feel pretty out of control of my life these days. I started a ticker at the bottom to count down to my next RE appointment. I just need to know that it is getting closer, since these diy cycles are useless! It makes me feel like I am at least doing something.

So the out of control feeling comes from a couple of sources. First of all, my MIL being in hospital is frustrating, I am doing everything for her that I can to help her stay be as pleasant as possible. I really hope that they figure out what is wrong with her and soon! And of course that it is not serious! In the meantime, I have just been visiting and bringing her whatever she needs. Secondly, Clark and his contract jobs are always a source of stress! He got called yesterday that he got denied for yet another permanent position. He has been on contract for 5 years and keeps trying to get something full-time! But every time a permanent position comes up, someone else gets it. He is very good at his job an I don't think he gets denied because they don't like him or anything, I think it is just crappy circumstances, there is always someone else that wants it and is more qualified or has more experience etc. The contract he has keeps getting renewed every year and it's good, but a permanent job offers a little more money and security, the up side is that at least even with the contract position Clark is eligible for helth benefits (thank god!)

So needless to say, Clark was pretty bummed out about all this! I told him about a house on the lake that is for sale in our area and joked that we should buy it, it's only a 2 bedroom, but I said since we can't have kids that's all we'll need. He just looked at me and said, yeah at least one of our dreams would come true. (We have always dreamed of living on the lake). How sad. I feel bad for him! I feel bad for me! I feel bad for us!

So between the family illnesses, jobs and this whole bs of infertility, I feel like I am losing it some days! I think I need to take a mental health day! Tee-hee!

So 2 months until the next RE appointment, when I can at least feel like I am doing something. I have so many questions for him this time. Will he do an HSG to check my tubes again? I hope so, doing an iui with blocked tubes would be pretty pointless. Will he recommend we go right to ivf, now instead of the iui? If both tubes are blocked will I be eligible for my ivf to be covered under our provincial plan? I am really curious to know what my drug protocol will be! So many questions.

I am kind of kicking myself for waiting until August to schedule my RE appointment. I know I could move it up if I really wanted to, but Clark's on holidays, as am I and I guess part of me is still hoping we'll do it on our own before then.

Talked to my SIL last night, you all remember her, she was less than supportive of my first brief pg over xmas. So she commences to tell me that she knows that my time is coming and just 'has a feeling' that I will be the next to have twins. I just kind of blew her off, her mom and my FIL were there and i just didn't want to talk about it out loud. I think she means well, and I really believe she feels bad about how she treated me these past months. So I am working on forgiveness, I know we can all be selfish and narcissistic at times, myself included, so I am really trying to cut her some slack!

Well c'est la vie! I know and love all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. I just feel like I need to make a change, I'm incredibly restless and unfocused right now! It's cd 28 and I haven't tested! I'm a good girl this month. Really and truly, I just can't take seeing another effing negative. But the last 2 months I have had 29 day cycles like clockwork, so if this trend continues, I'll be getting my period on Saturday, if nothing else through this journey I am learning patience and I can wait until Saturday to find out!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Passing the time...

Only a few more days left in my 2ww this cycle. I should be expecting the dreaded period on Saturday or Sunday. I think today is cd26. I don't want to test. I'm not going to.

I can't stop thinking about this IF thing, it's very unhealthy. It always consumes my every thought during the last few days of my cycle. I'm always filled with some, 'what if by some miracle' hope. I always end up breaking down and testing.

I am tired of going to bed thinking about it and waking up thinking about it. How do you make your self stop thinking about it? I am tired of being bitter about it. I try to tell myself I am on a break, but I still can't help myself from stupidly thinking 'what if' still.

When does it start to get easier, when do you start to distance yourself from it. After 2 years or 3 or after you have exhausted every option possible. Am I going crazy? Am I the only person who can't let it be?!! OK, I have to stop my head is about to explode!

I try not to talk about it incessantly in real life, which is probably why it's all I talk about on this blog. So my IRL friends and family haven't figured out that I have gone off the deep end yet, I'm doing a pretty good job of hiding it. In fact I have talked to almost no one about since the miscarriage except for Clark, of course.

On a worrisome (and non-IF) note, my MIL is in the hospital. She's Clark's step mother and her and I have a very good friendship. We get together often, just the two of us. So I'm worried, I hope she is going to be OK. Some sort of heart thing, not a heart attack, just strange heart activity, she's been there a few days, I have been to see her twice, I think she appreciates the company. I might go again tonight.

Things have slowed down socially for us, summer will probably pick it up again. My yard and garden looks so fantastic. I really have to figure out how to post pics on this thing. My beans are sprouting and my perennials look fan-tabulous! I love this time of year.

Friday, May 25, 2007

So, it's been a while...

I haven't had much to say. I just keep plugging through each day, each week, each month, each cycle. I have a fog of sadness that hangs over me. But I continue on trying to be the jovial person I have always been, the person who doesn't let much get her down, the person who constantly makes changes to maintain her happiness. The person I was before IF bit me in the butt.

Sure, I am a little more jaded, a little changed, a little sadder, a little less hopeful for the future. One thing I have really noticed in the past few months is the toll all of this is taking on Clark. He's sad and hopeful. He wants it so much, he doesn't talk about it a whole lot. But I get it each time he asks me how I am feeling or speculates that maybe my bad mood is a good sign.

I saw it in his eyes the other night. He was sitting at the computer reading his emails and he mentions that friends of his from university sent out a baby annoucement for their second baby. Both of us sat in silence for what seemed like a minute, just staring at each other, each not sure what to say that wouldn't upset the other. So I said, casually, gee I didn't even know she was pregnant (they live in a different city and we don't see much of them). He just looked away and said, yeah, me neither. But for a split second I saw the pain in his eyes and I felt the pain in my heart.

I feel guilty about that. I feel sad that we didn't have a different reaction. He's a little ticked that I won't take any drugs or herbs or check my OPTs right now. But as I said in my last post, I'm done. I am just so physically and mentally drained by it all. It all seems so in vain. I know next month I'll do my acupuncture and herbs etc. But right now I just don't want to focus on it.

I wish I could make things different for both of us but I don't know what else to do.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Ok, I think I have reached the 'Whatever' point...

So I had a GREAT weekend, my b-day was fantastic, I got great gifts, I got to spend time with all my close friends and family. My life rocks! My job is great, life in general is great.

I did however get my period on Friday. I know, bummer. But no surprise anymore. So I say 'whatever!" I'm done worrying about it. Whatever the universe has in store for me, is going to happen. I stopped taking the met, it was just making me too sick. I felt nauseous and barfy all the time, it didn't seem to be making any difference, conception wise. So I gave it up. I don't go back to the RE until August so until then I'm on a self imposed break. I will continue with the acupuncture and the Chinese herbs. But that's it.

I have already been living it up like my previous ttc self. I drank a bit over the weekend, I mean what the hell I had my period, so no worries. I got together with my pg friends and those with kids and barely even cringed when they talked about how their bellies were shaped during pg, what their toddler is doing now or when they are planning their next baby, etc. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not rushing out to pick up a birth control prescription or anything, I am just going to try not to make the focus of my life getting pregnant. I am away during the middle of my cycle this month, so it's pretty much a bust, I'll probably have to skip acupuncture and I won't even be in the same country as my husband, so whatever!

I am still working on organizing my house, I have made great leaps in de-cluttering closets. It's a work in progress, but it's moving forward. Now if I could only get Clark to finish off the few odd jobs he has started I'd be on cloud nine. My yard is looking spectacular. I planted my veggie garden, can't wait to see what actually grows. The herbs I planted indoors a few weeks ago have started to sprout! At least not everything in my life is barren! If I could only figure out how to post pics on this darn thing, I'd share the beauty of my spring garden with y'all!

Thanks for all the comments, I always feel the love. So my solemn vow to you and myself for the next 3 months is to avoid peeing on any kind of stick and to not think hourly about ttc. Let's see how that pans out for me.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

What Gives...

Have you ever seen someone like me? Who can go from a complete shit mood, to hopeful again and back in less than 48 hours. Is this what this IFBS (infertility bull-shit, that's how I am referring to it now) makes us act? This has been a poopy week to say the least.

So where to begin, because I know you all can't wait to read what new and exciting thing has me bitchy and only thinking of myself. Well let me start in the place of most importance to us all - my cycle. So today is cd29, I have been incredibly nauseous all this week, making even the recently bitter and jaded me seriously consider the hope of a pg. As I write this there is no sign of my period in sight. I puked violently Wednesday night, not sure what that was about, I did have a really stressful day, so who knows. But I have just felt crappy and queasy all week. The puking incident was the thing that put Clark's hope over the edge, he doesn't say much but he has dropped a few hints that make me think, he's sure in his mind that I'm pg. I really hope he doesn't get his dreams crushed. So of course, who could resist the urge to pee on something, anything? I did an Hpt yesterday morning (13dpo estimated) and today and both were negative. I am usually not one to over-analyze my symptoms, because we all know how freakin' ambiguous pg/pms symptoms can be, I got over that a long time ago. But somethings are making me wonder this month.

So with my period's eta to be Friday or Saturday (although my monthly cycles tracker says Sunday) and a negative Hpt today, I'm lead to believe I am once again not pg. I know shock and dismay, try to restrain the gasps! The sucky part of this equation is my birthday (and here' s the selfish, whiny part starting), if I'm not pg, I want to whoop it up tonight and this weekend on my various dinner dates, but I won't be able to until I get my period because the pg possibility will be hanging over my head. Ahhhh! Sometimes I want to scream out loud just like that.

So the second crappy part of my week is on the job front. I don't blog too much about my job, simply because I'm never sure who in blogland is reading this. But I have mentioned that I love my job and my boss. And I really do. I had another opportunity come my way, that I interviewed for and am waiting to hear about, the thing is I don't want to change jobs, there are a few downfalls surrounding mat leave (all money concerns, time off in not a problem at all), but this job would be so perfect for returning to work after having a baby because it is so flexible. The other opportunity would be great for the mat leave benefits but not so great in the long run. So after I interviewed for it I decided that I really don't want it. Now I'm afraid to check my messages for fear I got it and I'll want to turn it down, mostly because a friend got me the interview and I feel bad, but I know I must do what is right for me, so with any luck I didn't get it and that will be that.

The funny part about the job situation is all the planning I do for a 'potential' pregnancy that may or may not happen. It seems so silly anymore. I feel like I have made choices and decisions up until this point in my life to build up to a point where I would be ready to be a parent and now I'm trying to keep it all in holding pattern until the miracle baby arrives. When is it time to get out of the holding pattern and start living life like you are not waiting for something to happen. I am so sick of not planning vacations, worrying about jobs, not buying a new car because I might be off work etc. I think it's time to move forward, like this is life, no amount of planning makes any difference!