Thursday, May 03, 2007

What Gives...

Have you ever seen someone like me? Who can go from a complete shit mood, to hopeful again and back in less than 48 hours. Is this what this IFBS (infertility bull-shit, that's how I am referring to it now) makes us act? This has been a poopy week to say the least.

So where to begin, because I know you all can't wait to read what new and exciting thing has me bitchy and only thinking of myself. Well let me start in the place of most importance to us all - my cycle. So today is cd29, I have been incredibly nauseous all this week, making even the recently bitter and jaded me seriously consider the hope of a pg. As I write this there is no sign of my period in sight. I puked violently Wednesday night, not sure what that was about, I did have a really stressful day, so who knows. But I have just felt crappy and queasy all week. The puking incident was the thing that put Clark's hope over the edge, he doesn't say much but he has dropped a few hints that make me think, he's sure in his mind that I'm pg. I really hope he doesn't get his dreams crushed. So of course, who could resist the urge to pee on something, anything? I did an Hpt yesterday morning (13dpo estimated) and today and both were negative. I am usually not one to over-analyze my symptoms, because we all know how freakin' ambiguous pg/pms symptoms can be, I got over that a long time ago. But somethings are making me wonder this month.

So with my period's eta to be Friday or Saturday (although my monthly cycles tracker says Sunday) and a negative Hpt today, I'm lead to believe I am once again not pg. I know shock and dismay, try to restrain the gasps! The sucky part of this equation is my birthday (and here' s the selfish, whiny part starting), if I'm not pg, I want to whoop it up tonight and this weekend on my various dinner dates, but I won't be able to until I get my period because the pg possibility will be hanging over my head. Ahhhh! Sometimes I want to scream out loud just like that.

So the second crappy part of my week is on the job front. I don't blog too much about my job, simply because I'm never sure who in blogland is reading this. But I have mentioned that I love my job and my boss. And I really do. I had another opportunity come my way, that I interviewed for and am waiting to hear about, the thing is I don't want to change jobs, there are a few downfalls surrounding mat leave (all money concerns, time off in not a problem at all), but this job would be so perfect for returning to work after having a baby because it is so flexible. The other opportunity would be great for the mat leave benefits but not so great in the long run. So after I interviewed for it I decided that I really don't want it. Now I'm afraid to check my messages for fear I got it and I'll want to turn it down, mostly because a friend got me the interview and I feel bad, but I know I must do what is right for me, so with any luck I didn't get it and that will be that.

The funny part about the job situation is all the planning I do for a 'potential' pregnancy that may or may not happen. It seems so silly anymore. I feel like I have made choices and decisions up until this point in my life to build up to a point where I would be ready to be a parent and now I'm trying to keep it all in holding pattern until the miracle baby arrives. When is it time to get out of the holding pattern and start living life like you are not waiting for something to happen. I am so sick of not planning vacations, worrying about jobs, not buying a new car because I might be off work etc. I think it's time to move forward, like this is life, no amount of planning makes any difference!

5 comments:

Sarah said...

yes that is EXACTLY what the IFBS does to us! i hope you manage to have a great birthday inspite of it.

dmarie said...

Hope you have a good birthday. IFBS really does suck and I can flip back-and-forth by the hour.

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

I plan for the "potential" pregnancy too! We don't plan any fun vacations too far in advance because we a) might be pregnant or b) might need to go to the RE. I am also considering a job change but then I think "what if I get pregnant right away and have to quit? Maybe I should just stay put." Yeah, I'm tired of not livng because of the "potential pregnancy" It has been 3 years and it could be many more.

I guess the point is that we should live as we want to live and not let our lives revolve around the what-ifs. But that is so hard...

Chas said...

Happy Birthday!!

I planned for the "potential pregnancy" for a long time too. You know that you can get pregnant, so I think that for you it's definitely a good idea. You've got to do what's best for your family in the long run, even if it hasn't started yet.

Kirsten said...

I hope your weekend went well...hope you had a very happy birthday! I planned for my "potential" pregnancy every single month throughout my entire experience with the IFBS. It just becomes natural for us, I guess. I wish there was a switch we could turn off. And I agree with Chas, it's always best to plan ahead, no matter what.
Hope you have a great week : )