Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Passing the time...

Only a few more days left in my 2ww this cycle. I should be expecting the dreaded period on Saturday or Sunday. I think today is cd26. I don't want to test. I'm not going to.

I can't stop thinking about this IF thing, it's very unhealthy. It always consumes my every thought during the last few days of my cycle. I'm always filled with some, 'what if by some miracle' hope. I always end up breaking down and testing.

I am tired of going to bed thinking about it and waking up thinking about it. How do you make your self stop thinking about it? I am tired of being bitter about it. I try to tell myself I am on a break, but I still can't help myself from stupidly thinking 'what if' still.

When does it start to get easier, when do you start to distance yourself from it. After 2 years or 3 or after you have exhausted every option possible. Am I going crazy? Am I the only person who can't let it be?!! OK, I have to stop my head is about to explode!

I try not to talk about it incessantly in real life, which is probably why it's all I talk about on this blog. So my IRL friends and family haven't figured out that I have gone off the deep end yet, I'm doing a pretty good job of hiding it. In fact I have talked to almost no one about since the miscarriage except for Clark, of course.

On a worrisome (and non-IF) note, my MIL is in the hospital. She's Clark's step mother and her and I have a very good friendship. We get together often, just the two of us. So I'm worried, I hope she is going to be OK. Some sort of heart thing, not a heart attack, just strange heart activity, she's been there a few days, I have been to see her twice, I think she appreciates the company. I might go again tonight.

Things have slowed down socially for us, summer will probably pick it up again. My yard and garden looks so fantastic. I really have to figure out how to post pics on this thing. My beans are sprouting and my perennials look fan-tabulous! I love this time of year.


Matt, Jen, and Grace said...

Hi. I happened upon your blog after following a blog trail of friends and others with infertility blogs. Anyway, I can totally relate to the question of, "How long do you ask 'what if'?" It took us 3 years before we got pregnant and then in the fall I had a miscarriage with baby #2. Yesterday would have been my due date and even though I have a beautiful, healthy 17 month old daughter, it is still hard to think about "what could have been". Those 3 years of trying to conceive were so incredibly hard. And I wonder today if it will ever happen again for us and can I truly be content if it doesn't.
I hope it happens for you soon...
Jen H.

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

You are not alone! I wish I could give you some answers/suggestions, but I'm asking the same questions. How do you count cycle days, take OPKs, make dr. and U/S appts, etc and NOT think about it. How do you watch the pregnant women around you and NOT think aobut. And,if you can't not think about it, how do you keep it from completely taking over? If you figure it out, let me know!

Hang in there, and I hope your MIL is alright!

Sarah said...

it's normal to feel so consumed, and your blog is the place to obsess over it. i think for me after about three years it started to become just another part of my reality and didn't feel quite so all consuming. that was following a big year long break, which maybe helped, i don't know.