Only a few more days left in my 2ww this cycle. I should be expecting the dreaded period on Saturday or Sunday. I think today is cd26. I don't want to test. I'm not going to.
I can't stop thinking about this IF thing, it's very unhealthy. It always consumes my every thought during the last few days of my cycle. I'm always filled with some, 'what if by some miracle' hope. I always end up breaking down and testing.
I am tired of going to bed thinking about it and waking up thinking about it. How do you make your self stop thinking about it? I am tired of being bitter about it. I try to tell myself I am on a break, but I still can't help myself from stupidly thinking 'what if' still.
When does it start to get easier, when do you start to distance yourself from it. After 2 years or 3 or after you have exhausted every option possible. Am I going crazy? Am I the only person who can't let it be?!! OK, I have to stop my head is about to explode!
I try not to talk about it incessantly in real life, which is probably why it's all I talk about on this blog. So my IRL friends and family haven't figured out that I have gone off the deep end yet, I'm doing a pretty good job of hiding it. In fact I have talked to almost no one about since the miscarriage except for Clark, of course.
On a worrisome (and non-IF) note, my MIL is in the hospital. She's Clark's step mother and her and I have a very good friendship. We get together often, just the two of us. So I'm worried, I hope she is going to be OK. Some sort of heart thing, not a heart attack, just strange heart activity, she's been there a few days, I have been to see her twice, I think she appreciates the company. I might go again tonight.
Things have slowed down socially for us, summer will probably pick it up again. My yard and garden looks so fantastic. I really have to figure out how to post pics on this thing. My beans are sprouting and my perennials look fan-tabulous! I love this time of year.