Thursday, May 31, 2007

Along for the ride...

Thanks for the words of encouragement from those who commented. I appreciate it and somehow it does help to know that my feelings are normal, and this all-consuming obsession I have isn't unheard of!

Well, I feel pretty out of control of my life these days. I started a ticker at the bottom to count down to my next RE appointment. I just need to know that it is getting closer, since these diy cycles are useless! It makes me feel like I am at least doing something.

So the out of control feeling comes from a couple of sources. First of all, my MIL being in hospital is frustrating, I am doing everything for her that I can to help her stay be as pleasant as possible. I really hope that they figure out what is wrong with her and soon! And of course that it is not serious! In the meantime, I have just been visiting and bringing her whatever she needs. Secondly, Clark and his contract jobs are always a source of stress! He got called yesterday that he got denied for yet another permanent position. He has been on contract for 5 years and keeps trying to get something full-time! But every time a permanent position comes up, someone else gets it. He is very good at his job an I don't think he gets denied because they don't like him or anything, I think it is just crappy circumstances, there is always someone else that wants it and is more qualified or has more experience etc. The contract he has keeps getting renewed every year and it's good, but a permanent job offers a little more money and security, the up side is that at least even with the contract position Clark is eligible for helth benefits (thank god!)

So needless to say, Clark was pretty bummed out about all this! I told him about a house on the lake that is for sale in our area and joked that we should buy it, it's only a 2 bedroom, but I said since we can't have kids that's all we'll need. He just looked at me and said, yeah at least one of our dreams would come true. (We have always dreamed of living on the lake). How sad. I feel bad for him! I feel bad for me! I feel bad for us!

So between the family illnesses, jobs and this whole bs of infertility, I feel like I am losing it some days! I think I need to take a mental health day! Tee-hee!

So 2 months until the next RE appointment, when I can at least feel like I am doing something. I have so many questions for him this time. Will he do an HSG to check my tubes again? I hope so, doing an iui with blocked tubes would be pretty pointless. Will he recommend we go right to ivf, now instead of the iui? If both tubes are blocked will I be eligible for my ivf to be covered under our provincial plan? I am really curious to know what my drug protocol will be! So many questions.

I am kind of kicking myself for waiting until August to schedule my RE appointment. I know I could move it up if I really wanted to, but Clark's on holidays, as am I and I guess part of me is still hoping we'll do it on our own before then.

Talked to my SIL last night, you all remember her, she was less than supportive of my first brief pg over xmas. So she commences to tell me that she knows that my time is coming and just 'has a feeling' that I will be the next to have twins. I just kind of blew her off, her mom and my FIL were there and i just didn't want to talk about it out loud. I think she means well, and I really believe she feels bad about how she treated me these past months. So I am working on forgiveness, I know we can all be selfish and narcissistic at times, myself included, so I am really trying to cut her some slack!

Well c'est la vie! I know and love all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. I just feel like I need to make a change, I'm incredibly restless and unfocused right now! It's cd 28 and I haven't tested! I'm a good girl this month. Really and truly, I just can't take seeing another effing negative. But the last 2 months I have had 29 day cycles like clockwork, so if this trend continues, I'll be getting my period on Saturday, if nothing else through this journey I am learning patience and I can wait until Saturday to find out!

3 comments:

Matt, Jen, and Grace said...

Hoping and praying that Saturday comes and goes with no AF. Praying that THIS IS THE MONTH!!!!!!!
Jen H.

Baby Blues said...

Hoping you do make it on your own before your scheduled RE appointment. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Chas said...

I'm praying for you hun. I wish had some big words of wisdom for you. I'm venturing out on another IF journey of my own right now, and I am scared to death. If you're interested, email me...chastity779@yahoo.com