I'm in a kind of reflective mood today. I am dreading my birthday next weekend when I turn 31. Not so much the number anymore. I kind of got over it when I turned 30. I figure what's the point in worrying about how old we are, it is what it is. But it just seems to be marker as to how long I've been on the journey to a baby. I remember hoping and praying I would get pregnant before I turned 30, then 31...
And I can tell you, that it's way too fucking long! Now don't get me wrong, I know the exact date we started trying, the first day of my first cycle was August 11, 2005. So it hasn't quite been 2 years yet ( and I know from reading others blogs this is the minor leagues). But this is my pity party so I can still think it sucks.
I went back and read my posts from a year ago and was a little taken aback to realize I sound exactly the same, maybe a little more jaded, but I am still thinking the same way. Holding out hope after hope that this cycle is it and it never fucking is! In 20 cycles, I had one + and that ended rather badly. So I apologize if I sound extremely bitter today, but I am. I am actually due for my period on my birthday, so I told Clark, it was just one more kick in the face I could get from the universe. Although it can't be as bad as last year, when I got my period on Mother's day and Father's day. Someone get out the salt, I have open wounds. The only thing worse I can imagine is that I'll get my period on the date the only baby I ever conceived would have been due.
Yeah, I'm pretty bitchy. I just think I have had it. I can't keep doing this every month, being depressed and upset that I got my period and then getting my hopes back up for the next cycle. I think I might be having a meltdown. I am ready to give this bullshit ride up. The met is making me feel like a walking shit bag (pun intended) and my mood (obviously) is in the toilet. I hate most people in my life right now, mostly due to the fact that they are either pregnant or already have kids. Or are pregnant with the second one since we starting ttcing.
I try to be grateful for what I have, but for the love of god, I am sick to death of this bull shit infertility. I think I need to give up. I am not that strong, really, I have tried to be, but my heart just keeps getting ripped out and stomped on and I can only pick up the piece so many times. I really have tried to figure out what I am supposed to be learning from this, and how I can use this experience to grow as a person or gain more compassion or empathy. Has anyone figured any of this out yet? Because I keep coming back to why is this happening to me!!
Even as I write this rampage, I am sitting here willing myself to just be pregnant this month. When do you decide enough is enough? When do you stop torturing yourself? I know I will never give up the fight to have a baby, because that is just who I am. I can't give up the dream no matter if it kills me (physically or emotionally). But I wish I could keep myself from being disappointed, just a little bit.
When I popped over to read Jenny's joyous news (so happy for her, even if this post sounds incredibly negative!), I looked at the pics of her holding her gorgeous little baby and thought, wow, this may actually all be worth it, if only we could all just get there. I really do try to keep my eye on the prize, but this week is one that is just crapping all over me.
Oh and how the hell do you find the rainbow. Directions please!!