Thursday, April 26, 2007

Can Someone please tell me, is there a pot of gold at the end of the Rainbow...

I'm in a kind of reflective mood today. I am dreading my birthday next weekend when I turn 31. Not so much the number anymore. I kind of got over it when I turned 30. I figure what's the point in worrying about how old we are, it is what it is. But it just seems to be marker as to how long I've been on the journey to a baby. I remember hoping and praying I would get pregnant before I turned 30, then 31...

And I can tell you, that it's way too fucking long! Now don't get me wrong, I know the exact date we started trying, the first day of my first cycle was August 11, 2005. So it hasn't quite been 2 years yet ( and I know from reading others blogs this is the minor leagues). But this is my pity party so I can still think it sucks.

I went back and read my posts from a year ago and was a little taken aback to realize I sound exactly the same, maybe a little more jaded, but I am still thinking the same way. Holding out hope after hope that this cycle is it and it never fucking is! In 20 cycles, I had one + and that ended rather badly. So I apologize if I sound extremely bitter today, but I am. I am actually due for my period on my birthday, so I told Clark, it was just one more kick in the face I could get from the universe. Although it can't be as bad as last year, when I got my period on Mother's day and Father's day. Someone get out the salt, I have open wounds. The only thing worse I can imagine is that I'll get my period on the date the only baby I ever conceived would have been due.

Yeah, I'm pretty bitchy. I just think I have had it. I can't keep doing this every month, being depressed and upset that I got my period and then getting my hopes back up for the next cycle. I think I might be having a meltdown. I am ready to give this bullshit ride up. The met is making me feel like a walking shit bag (pun intended) and my mood (obviously) is in the toilet. I hate most people in my life right now, mostly due to the fact that they are either pregnant or already have kids. Or are pregnant with the second one since we starting ttcing.

I try to be grateful for what I have, but for the love of god, I am sick to death of this bull shit infertility. I think I need to give up. I am not that strong, really, I have tried to be, but my heart just keeps getting ripped out and stomped on and I can only pick up the piece so many times. I really have tried to figure out what I am supposed to be learning from this, and how I can use this experience to grow as a person or gain more compassion or empathy. Has anyone figured any of this out yet? Because I keep coming back to why is this happening to me!!

Even as I write this rampage, I am sitting here willing myself to just be pregnant this month. When do you decide enough is enough? When do you stop torturing yourself? I know I will never give up the fight to have a baby, because that is just who I am. I can't give up the dream no matter if it kills me (physically or emotionally). But I wish I could keep myself from being disappointed, just a little bit.

When I popped over to read Jenny's joyous news (so happy for her, even if this post sounds incredibly negative!), I looked at the pics of her holding her gorgeous little baby and thought, wow, this may actually all be worth it, if only we could all just get there. I really do try to keep my eye on the prize, but this week is one that is just crapping all over me.

Oh and how the hell do you find the rainbow. Directions please!!

6 comments:

Bumble said...

Hey there Hope. I'm so sorry you're feeling so shit today. Your jouney is your journey and its too long, and so frustrating when you look at all the women who fall pregnany within 2 weeks of trying or accidentally, ooops. Sometimes I also wonder whether I can just give up and move the F&%$ on with my life, I'm bored to death with IF now, I wish it would leave me alone. But then I see someone's new baby and I just know, I can't give up yet. You'll know in your heart when you're ready to give up, or slowly, you might start to think of other options, like I find myself doing these days. Slowly, and without you noticing, your journey will make its way to the finish line, one way or the other. I hope its with your baby in your arms.

Baby Blues said...

I'm turning 31 this year too. And every year I'm not yet pregnant is turning me into a bitter bitchy jaded woman! I had everything planned out except for this. And not getting the baby I've been waiting for is throwing off my life plans! If you find the directions to the rainbow, please let me know too.

Sticky Bun said...

Sounds like we're in a very similar boat this cycle--my bday (32) is next weekend, too, the day AF is due (or the day I test if by some miracle she doesn't show up.) Let's hope for some good news and a happy bday. :-)

Sarah said...

i remember hoping to be pregnant before i was 30 too. you have every reason to throw a pity party, no matter how long others have struggled. infertility sucks, no matter how long you deal with it. for me personally, it actually got better as i started to grow more numb, but i sincerely hope you never get there. i hope your pot of gold is just around the corner.

Anonymous said...

oh my god - reading your blog, it is just like my story. Even my husband thought i was keeping a secret diary (although his name is Carl not Clark - close!). I get soooo angry with pg women who oops by mistake got pg - one of them I work with and have to spend every day being nice to them (and secretly envy them). I have been with my husband since we were 16, now 28 and are currently taking clomid on the 5th cycle. Hope you get what we all sooo badly want. All the best, B x

Anonymous said...

I feel the exact same way. Have been trying since August 2005, had an ectopic in May 2006, and starting my first round of IUI in Jly 2007. It's the toughest thing I've ever been through. And the fact that everyone around me seems to be pregnant (or on their 2nd kid) doesn't help the situation. Thanks for posting your blogs- it may as well be my own.