I think I finally had an a-ha that may shake me out of this current funk. It was last night after work. I thought given the last few months, I could use a massage. I generally go regularly but was too nervous to go when I was PG (anyone know if it is OK, or have any thoughts on pregnancy massage - I'd like to know for future reference). But I digress, so in talking to my RMT (she knows the general story of my IF), she is taking an acupuncture course so we got to talking about TCM and acupuncture. Anyway she asked me what, if anything was different about my cycle or attitude in November when I did get PG.
So it got me thinking, where was I mentally back then. And then it hit me, I was on hold, I was totally not expecting (pardon the pun) to get knocked up. It had been many, many cycles, the RE had taken me off the clo.mid. I was on hold until February to do my IUI orientation and I was kind of on a break. So maybe I really do need to force myself to stop thinking about it and obsessing.
Now, I know this is easier said than done. Especially considering I am the most unproductive at work I have ever been (although you can read a lot of blogs in a day - don't tell my boss!). I have been avoiding my friends with kids like the plague and generally have retreated a bit from life. So can I take control of my thinking and shift myself out of this obsessive phase? I don't know but I think it can only benefit me. I know the whole mental attitude is not everything and I know relaxing or taking a vacation and all the other assvice we get is not going to make a miracle happen (my partially blocked tubes, pcos and hormone levels might play their part as well) but I need SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get me out of the current train of thought I have been running on!
I really feel weak, I bloody well can't think of anything else. It's the worst it's ever been. It's on my mind first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I am driving to work and burst into tears at that stupid T*im Mc.Graw song, you know I loved h.er fi*rst or what ever the F it's called. I'm kind of a mess or at least as big a mess as I have been since the initial knowledge of my situation hit me last February.
So that's my rant for today, it actually kind of felt good to share my real feelings for once and not hide behind 'trying to think positively'. I admit it, I'm bitter and pissed off. I am sad and I hurt. Does screaming out loud make it hurt any less?