So why is that GREEN-EYED monster rearing it's ugly, ugly green head at me? What kind of a person has infertility made me into when I cry at other people's joyous news?
Yes, you got it, I'm smack in the middle of a 2ww, trying my best just to get by and maintain a shred of the happy-go-lucky person I was only a couple short years ago and then out of nowhere, jealousy bites me in the ass! It started last night, I had just been coming nicely to terms with my BFF, who is 51/2 months pg and due 2 weeks after I WOULD have been (I looked at her baby stuff, bought her a gift and dug very deep to enjoy it all) and then slam, another close relative is PG (again), 5 weeks along and already has a 11 month old, am I ecstatically happy for her, did I repeat my baby mantra over and over again, did I remind myself that it will happen for us too, yes, yes and YES!!! Did it help - a little. So I get to work this morning and a colleague is flashing new grandbaby pics at our weekly sales meeting!
Ok, I know that there is a not a universal baby bank and these people are not depleting the savings, I know their pgs have no effect on my situation, but damn, why is it so damn HARD!!!
I hate being a jealous bitch, but I have to admit I shed a few tears last night and ground my teeth so hard, that I couldn't get to sleep. How have I turned into this person that can't just be happy for others, others that I care deeply about and would in no way wish any of this infertility BS on.
My head is not in a joyful place today. I called and offered congrats and I think I faked it pretty good, but it scratches at my still open wounds.
That said, I'm heading home to enjoy a lovely dinner with my fabulous husband, in my pretty fabulous house (IMHO), with it's freshly polished lawn and garden (yep, did yard work all weekend) and to see my cutesy little furry girl, (who I must say behaved like a little angel during the weekend yard clean up), so what do I really have to complain about? I guess God is good, even if life sometimes ain't! IT WILL HAPPEN FOR ME TOO! I keep repeating that in hopes it helps.