Monday, April 23, 2007

It's Not St. Patrick's Day...

So why is that GREEN-EYED monster rearing it's ugly, ugly green head at me? What kind of a person has infertility made me into when I cry at other people's joyous news?

Yes, you got it, I'm smack in the middle of a 2ww, trying my best just to get by and maintain a shred of the happy-go-lucky person I was only a couple short years ago and then out of nowhere, jealousy bites me in the ass! It started last night, I had just been coming nicely to terms with my BFF, who is 51/2 months pg and due 2 weeks after I WOULD have been (I looked at her baby stuff, bought her a gift and dug very deep to enjoy it all) and then slam, another close relative is PG (again), 5 weeks along and already has a 11 month old, am I ecstatically happy for her, did I repeat my baby mantra over and over again, did I remind myself that it will happen for us too, yes, yes and YES!!! Did it help - a little. So I get to work this morning and a colleague is flashing new grandbaby pics at our weekly sales meeting!

Ok, I know that there is a not a universal baby bank and these people are not depleting the savings, I know their pgs have no effect on my situation, but damn, why is it so damn HARD!!!

I hate being a jealous bitch, but I have to admit I shed a few tears last night and ground my teeth so hard, that I couldn't get to sleep. How have I turned into this person that can't just be happy for others, others that I care deeply about and would in no way wish any of this infertility BS on.

My head is not in a joyful place today. I called and offered congrats and I think I faked it pretty good, but it scratches at my still open wounds.

That said, I'm heading home to enjoy a lovely dinner with my fabulous husband, in my pretty fabulous house (IMHO), with it's freshly polished lawn and garden (yep, did yard work all weekend) and to see my cutesy little furry girl, (who I must say behaved like a little angel during the weekend yard clean up), so what do I really have to complain about? I guess God is good, even if life sometimes ain't! IT WILL HAPPEN FOR ME TOO! I keep repeating that in hopes it helps.


hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

I think your feelings are 100% normal. I feel the same way though. I constantly feel ticked off and bitter. It is awful and as much as I try I can't seem to shake it.

May I add your blog to my frequently visited list?

Chas said...

This is so normal. I don't think being jealous means you're any less happy for them. I get jealous of other pregnant women all the time. I don't know if you read my blog, but I've had some issues as well. Actually, my husband told me a few days ago that his newly married brother said that he and his new wife plan to start to try to conceive later this year. The first words out of my mouth were "I'm going to be jealous if they get pregnant really fast". And I will be. I can't help it. Jealous sucks.

Kirsten said...

I hate jealousy, too, but it's something I still deal with all the time. I think it's great though that you still try your hardest to be happy for people, as much as it hurts. I always kept count in the back of my head of how many of our couple friends were "beating us" in the baby race...they all did but we finally got our day and I know you will, too.