Wednesday, April 04, 2007


I am really trying to resist the urge to post everyday. I am trying to re-direct my obsessive energy. I did an HPT today, although, I was not expecting it to be positive and it wasn't. So it has left me feeling a little disappointed. Why is that? Even though I tried to give myself the self talk that directed my thoughts in the direction of 'first cycle after the d&c, it's not likely to happen right away, give your body a few months to regulate again' etc. etc.

Still I can't deny I wished it had happened right away. Why do I go through so many emotions in a day, an hour? Sometimes I can skate through the day with, it'll happen when it is meant to, if it's not this month it will be soon. Other times I feel despair and want to throw myself a little pity party. I feel like no one in my real life knows or understands how I feel. I feel gutted a lot, I feel like I think way to much about hormones, OPTs, HPTS, met, acupuncture and timing sex with my husband. How do you make yourself stop obsessing about it? How do you stop thinking about it every waking minute of the day and dreaming about it at night? How do you shut yourself down, sometimes I say out loud to myself - stop thinking that, stop thinking about it! If I could get pregnant by how much I thought about how, wanting to be and sad that I am not, I would have 10 kids by now.

I think somehow I have reverted back to the kicking and screaming about how it's not fair stage. I thought I was past that. I thought I was moving toward acceptance, but daily life seems to be getting harder to deal with not easier.

Maybe I am just hormonal and despairing about the bfn. Maybe the IUI process getting started in August is a good thing, maybe that will only lead to false hope and more disappointment.

I wish I had a crystal ball sometimes...

I will join Baby Blues in her hole party, anybody else want to come?


Sarah said...

i'm sorry about the bfn. it sucks every time no matter how prepared you are for it. BB's hole party sounds like a lot of fun though!

and don't be down on yourself for reverting. just b/c you've gotten a little more used to it doesn't make it any more fair now. IMHO, we have to go through some version of the various grieving stages with each failed cycle, which makes sense b/c each bfn is another loss in its own way. it doesn't mean you have to go all the way back to the beginning. you can still jump back closer to acceptance when you're ready. it's a very fluid process, not a straight line.

best wishes to you.

Baby Blues said...

Sorry about the BFN. Thanks for jumping in. I wouldn't want you to be in the hole with me, but it sure feels good to have company.

Go ahead and post daily if you want to. It's your blog, so post whatever and whenever you feel like it.

Please pass the chocolate and red wine. Here's toasting to our someday soon.