Wednesday, April 11, 2007

This & That

I missed posting on my 1 year Blogaversary on purpose. I didn't really want to mark that milestone. I whole year pheeeww! I was really hoping when I started that I would be turning this into a pregnancy blog right quickly. Obviously that didn't happen.

As for the physical update: my period arrived on Thursday, giving me a 29 day cycle this month, an improvement I think. Better that my usual 32 - 34. It also was pretty nasty this month, more so that my usual, so I am taking that as a good sign as well. New cycle, new month, new possibilities, back in the saddle again (luckily not back in the stirrups just yet!)

I can't deny I have been floating through the last few months in a fog. I know I have been saying all the right things to everyone in RL. But I am not sure alone, in the dark I believe any of my own bullshit, I wonder if they do? A couple of times I have been having a little cry and hear Clark come home and immediately feel like I need to present a normal front. I don't know what he will think if he sees me crying, I know we are both sad, he knows I am sad. I am starting to wonder if maybe I'm a little depressed.

I know that isn't an unheard of notion. I just never thought I would feel so sad all of the time. I hope it gets better with time, I know it only can. I am not sure if I am sad and depressed about the miscarriage or about the future. I want to believe so badly that things will work out for us, but it gets so hard to keep up the hope and not let the doubt creep in.

So that pretty much sums up how I have been feeling in the last few weeks. Plagued with uncertainty and just really in a rut. Maybe I was on a vacation high for so long following the miscarriage that I am just settling back into normal life and it is all closing in on me.

I have decided that I need to feel and do right now. I can't wait until the spring weather improves so I can start my yard work. I am going to try a little vegetable garden this year. I am also going to go ahead with the plans to clear out the room I was going to use as a nursery. I need to empty the closet and dressers. Everything in there is mostly junk and just sort of landed there because it is our extra room and we don't go in there much. Don't worry I haven't lost it completely I am not going to decorate it or buy furniture or anything, I just want it to be de-cluttered in the event I do need to re-decorate it in the near future. I figure the best thing to do is to show the universe what I want. Famous last words!


Sarah said...

i'm sorry about your blogaversary. i think doing productive things like gardening and cleaning out the clutter are just what is called for in times like these. and amen to showing the universe what you want!

Kirsten said...

I know how you feel about putting normal life on hold to keep emotions at bay...I did the same thing after my 2nd IUI. We had a girl's weekend that started the Friday that I found out I had a BFN. But, I wanted to have fun and be fun to be around so I tried to push all my sad thoughts to the back for awhile. AF arrived on Saturday and by Sunday, I was a basket case on the inside but wouldn't let it out until late that night when I was finally alone. It hit me way too hard. I also tried to hide my emotions from Daniel some, too, because I didn't want him to worry about me. Honestly, I was never so thankful to have my blog because it was like open arms.
I think you are doing great, taking the steps necessary to heal as much as possible before taking the plunge again.

Baby Blues said...

I'm nearing my blogaversary too. Not looking forward to it at all. It's a reminder that one year later, I still have empty arms. Although the good thing was the wonderful blogfriends I met along the way.