Thursday, February 28, 2008

Where I am...

Well, I decided not to do a March cycle. I decided to go away for Easter. I decided my next iui will be in April.

The renos are very nearing completion. Paint is done. Flooring needs to be finished off, and trim needs to go up and then I can move the furniture in. I'm very excited we're getting this close. Mind you we are broke, but what the heck.

With Clark off for our spring break next month, I'm really hoping there will be a lot of progress.

And to leave you all something to ooohhhh over, the long awaited puppy pics. These are the first (and only, as yet) pics I have received and I don't know which one will be ours yet, bit the litter is about 2 days old here. I know they are too darn cute!!! I can't wait!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


I've been kind of a delinquent blogger. Basically, I don't have anything profound to say these days.

Life is plodding along, it amazes me how much less anxiety and turmoil I feel when I'm not doing a medicated cycle. The thought of getting pg is not on the radar and life continues on down it's path.

Peace, I feel a little peace. Oh, don't get me wrong, I know it's fleeting. I know around the corner there's an early morning vomit, or a late period or a follie count that will throw me into a tailspin. I've been around the block enough to know this and still enjoy the fleeting moments of peace I have right now. Without all the see-sawing between hope and despair, there's peace, there's a little peace. It seems as though I haven't felt this in years.

Just living my life, I don't even know what cycle day it is today without counting, or looking at a calendar. Oh, but now that I've had that thought, I think I'll go count.

I wish you all peace, if only for a moment.

Monday, February 11, 2008


Well, as expected, my beta was (-) on Sunday. I already knew as the evidence arrived on Saturday afternoon.

So a month off and then a try for March possibly, only problem is I am away for Easter and it will probably be iui time right around there, so I may skip and do April. Or maybe we'll change the Easter plans, we were expecting to be out of the country. We'll see.

No more puppy news as yet, got some pics I'll post later in the week.

Renos are coming along fantastically! I hired someone to finish the drywall and it will be done and ready for paint tomorrow. Can't wait to get that finished and then re-paint the rest of the mainfloor.

I need something to focus on right now, that's for sure. I am so glad we decided to get this puppy, it fills my heart with something new and beautiful right now and I really need that.

I am doing ok with the news of the bfn. I am not 'devastated' I know there is hope for other months. I am just very disappointed. I keep hoping that this is going to work at some point. I know focussing on the positive is the right thing to do right now.

And what I can say about that is this: We have tons of possiblilities, we know we can get pg, we know that the sperm count was pretty good (7.2 mil- washed, best yet) this cycle, we know I produced 2 nice follies, we know that other than the pc.os, there is nothing majorly wrong with either of us. The RE is optimistic another iui will work for us. They are not saying getting pg is impossible or even unlikely, just more difficult than is for some, we just need to keep playing the odds. They are not saying I can't carry to term. They are saying my 2 m/c seem like crappy luck and no medical reason has come to light as yet.

I am really just trying to focus. On the positive. On today, without looking too far into what the future holds for us. On what I have that I love and enjoy right now in my life. On living for the moment. On living the life I have and not the one I yearn for.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Everything we wait for happens at once...

Well at 15dpIUI it was a BFN. So I think the game is up. B/w on Sunday to confirm. Not surprised. I kind of know now how I feel when I am pg and didn't feel any of that, actually feel completely normal.

I'm sad. It seems like a lot of work for a big fat negative. I haven't had this experience yet, of a bfn on an iui cycle. The world is just full of new experiences. But I know I can get pg, so I guess we try again. I think I was really afraid of a positive. I just couldn't have done the m/c thing again. So I would rather a bfn, then get to pg and lose it.

So, I will speak to the clinic on Sunday when they do my b/w and find out when I can do the next cycle. I am pretty sure that they make you wait a month in between. So it will be at least March. Not really looking forward to another medicated and monitored cycle, but I have to keep trying.

In good news, puppies are here, yup, they were born on Tuesday, a litter of 5 that incudes 3 girls, so it looks like we're getting our little girl!!! Probably sometime around Easter. I am very excited!!!

Do I believe that everything happens for a reason. I guess I have to. There must be a plan for all of us. Thanks for all of your well wishes. It would seem my baby dreams will be on hold a little while longer. I never realized it would get easier with each bfn. I am starting to believe I am chasing a dream, I am not intended to fulfill. But I am not quite ready to give up the chase just yet.

Monday, February 04, 2008


I'm not really sure what to think at this stage of the game. I feel nothing. Nothing to indicate a BFP, nothing to indicate my period is on the way, nothing. It's CD28, which means my period should arrive on Thursday or so. Thursday is also legal testing day.

I was good over the weekend and resisted peeing on any sticks. I may tomorrow morning. The suspense is killing me. And I feel nothing, did I mention that? Maybe my body is just so used to all the hormones etc., it feels normal to me now.

Anyway, it was a pretty good weekend, Clark got all the drywall up in our new room. So now mudding, taping and painting can commence, yeah!!!

No word on the birth of the puppies yet, she's due on Friday, so I'm expecting to hear some news soon. Can't wait. We are still really stuck for a name. Clark and I can't agree. Maybe I'll post a poll when we find out for sure if we are getting a girl.

Super.bowl was fun, didn't watch the game but hung out with all my girlfriends and their kids while the men watched the game. I hate football! Sorry. Actually I hate sports. But the food and the company was good!!!

Well, that's it for now, still creeping through my anxiety waiting for Thurday to arrive so I can officially know if the roller coaster begins again now or in a month when I start iui#3!!! I kind of hope the roller coaster of pg#3 begins immediately, although that would scare the pants off me! Either way, 3 times must be the key!!! Wish me luck!!

Friday, February 01, 2008

9 dpIUI...

OK, I admit, I wasn't going to tell you all, but I broke down and tested today. I know it's too freakin' early, please don't yell at me!! I saw the pretty, shiny peestick in the drawer this morning and I just couldn't resist.

It was of course negative. Not that I really expected a positive at this stage in the game, but what the hell peeing on something made me feel like I was doing something instead of just sitting around here waiting. I also know that at 9dpiui, it wouldn't have mattered what the pee stick said, I wouldn't have believed it. If it had been positive, I would have just thought the trigger hadn't cleared my system, but since it's negative, I think it's too early. It did however confirm to me that the trigger shot clears far faster than my RE's office would lead one to believe.

I really should have just waited, because now I am kind of doubting if it will be a bfp. I feel really nothing, not that what I feel matters since we all know our friend prog.ester*ne fucks with us during this 2ww anyway. I have some twingy cramps, I'm kind of tired, but not overly, not like I remember being right before I found out I was pg. I don't feel sick, I'm really hungry, my boobs don't hurt. I don't know what to make of all of it.

As you may be able to tell I was fairly calm up until today, caosting throught the first half of the 2ww like a veteran. Sometime last night I started over the edge into the insanity of the 2ww. Somehow I got caught up in it. And now I'm pretty much freakin' out. I just want to know. One way or another. I HATE THIS WAITING!! That was me screaming, since I'm at my desk in an office full of people and can't really do it!

I'm glad the weekend is starting and I'll ahve 2 more days under my belt, when I return to work on Monday. God knows I will probably test again on Monday, that would be 11dpiui. Legally I can test on Thursday and that seems like forever away!!!

Please grant me patience!!!