So in the beginning we decided not to tell too many people we were 'trying'. In fact the only people I told were one family member who had also just started to try (who is due in May) and my best friend. This was mainly Clark's decision, but I respected that, besides, I figured it wouldn't take long before we were sharing our good news with everyone.
After the news in December I told my mom, because I was cranky and a bit pissed that this whole process was no longer within my control and I needed to vent. Part of my reason for this blog is just that - an outlet for the emotions I can't seem to put anywhere else. I go through the explanantion of our situation and then always follow it up with something the other person wants to hear, - like 'everything happens for a reason' or 'what will be will be' or my favourite - 'we'll get there evetually we just don't know how yet.' Do I believe any of this feel good shit? Not really. I try very hard to mask the fact that I am bitter and resentful and angry and scared to death!!!
Why can't I just be honest about my feelings? I guess partly because I don't want to appear to be a horrible person who only thinks about myself, and partly because I don't want to be weak. Right now at the stage I am at, I feel mostly scared, not of the tests and the procedures but of the outcome. Will I ever get my dream baby? Will I be able to give birth to my own flesh & blood, a child that has Clark's sensitivity and humour, my hair and eyes, and Clark's nose? These are the questions that haunt me daily. Does it make me horrible to ache for my child and dream about bringing them home for the first time and visualize seeing my husband hold our child for the first time. I don't know, I think it makes me human.
So let me put this out there right away. Adoption, not against it, may consider it, but haven't yet mourned my own reproductive disability. Or grieved for the child of our genes, that may not be. Ok, I'm being a little dramatic here, but the point is for the few people who have brought this up to me, yes I think it's wonderful that I would be able to provide for a child, any child. Yes, I know I could love a child that was not of my flesh, no doubts there. But the fact is I don't want to entertain that idea, until I have exhausted all the other possibilities.
That being said, am I getting a little ahead of myself you ask? We've really only been going at this for 8 or 9 months, I know. But I am faced with the bleak possibility that there are real issues with both of us that are going to make things somewhat difficult. My girlfriend acts as though I am being incredibly impatient (and I am). But I think my impatience comes from the fear & desperation. I want it to happen so badly that I'm afraid it never will.
Please understand, I am a problem solver by nature. I see the problem, I research the options and exhaust them all until the problem is fixed. I feel much like I am banging my head against a brick wall, can't find the solution and have to rely on others (not my forte) to assist. I could probably attend medical school at this point, I have read so much about conception and assisted reproductive technology.
So I have told a few more people our situation, not many, but a few close friends and family members who seemed interested. Maybe someday, I will let them read this blog, or not.
So I move forward today, mid-cycle, CD13, to be exact, with the hopes of the Big O (with a little help from our friend Clomid) today or tomorrow, still filled with hope & possibility, that maybe this month...
Stay tuned & we'll see...
Friday, March 31, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Hello!
Hi, welcome to my little corner of the world!! Seeing as how you stumbled onto this blog, I can only assume you too have an interest in the rocky world of infertility. As this is my first post (and I must confess, I'm a little nervous), I'll start with some background.
As indicated in the 'About Me' sidebar, I am (very) quickly approaching my 30th Birthday, which I was not so upset about until I discovered that the whole concept of having my first baby before I turned 30, was not going to be the piece of cake I assumed it would be.
So my adventures in Baby-Making really began in August 2005. My dear Husband, Clark and I decided it was time to go off the pill, we had been married about 6 months and were ready to take those fist wobbly steps towards adding a little person to our family. I, of course, had no concerns, all of my girlfriends had children (mostly by accident), so I mean how hard could it be. I saw my Gynocolgist that month for my yearly exam, everything appeared OK and I told her we were jumping on the Baby Train. Dr. Optimistic said good luck and scheduled me another appointment for the first week in December, telling me to reschedule if I found out I was pregnant before then. I remember thinking to myself 'I'll be pregnant by Christmas'.
So the following few months passed, October became November and December arrived. By now I was a little disheartened and a bit surprised, but Clark and I both agreed sometimes these things just take a little time. I went to see Dr. Optimistic, who was also a little surprised, but agreed 4 months was nothing. Just to be sure, she sent me to have some hormone levels checked and asked Clark to submit a sample for a Semen Analysis. She wanted me back in 3 months and said to talk to Clark about maybe starting me on a Fertility drug called Clomid then. She also suggested using an ovulation predictor test (OPT) to narrow down my fertile time.
The end of February, I was back at Dr. Optimistic's office. By now I was concerned, something must be wrong, I never got a positive reading on any of the OPTs I took and tried charting my temperature, but it was all over the place and just made me more crazy. I had researched all I could find about Clomid and it seemed a good option. I had made up my mind that we would get me ovulating regularly and that would be it!! I arrived at Dr. O's and she presented me with the test results she had. All bad... It appeared from my progesterone levels, I was not in fact ovulating and to add insult to injury, Clark's results were not good either. Low count, low motility. Blah, blah, blah!! I shut down mentally right then, she talked about IUI possibilities, still putting me on the clomid, having Clark retested. I heard nothing, except the resounding WTF in my head!! She gave me the prescription for Clomid, for 3 months, the requistions for more tests for both of us and I stumbled out to my car.
I did manage to not cry until the car door shut and then the flood gates opened, right there in the parking lot. I lost it, how the F&^K could this be happening. I went throught the bitterness, the anger, all of it, I was pissed. But I pulled myself together and went to get my prescription filled.
I go through the highs and lows everyday in dealing with this TTC BS and some days are better than others, as I'm sure you will all come to discover and as many of you fellow infertiles know. As for where I am now, middle of clomid cycle number 2 and awaiting my referral to an Reproductive Endrocrinologist. Yup, still no luck, but boy can I pee on a stick with amazing accuracy, and Clark now knows how to read the results of an OPT, something I'm sure he always wanted to know.
Please continue to read and I'll keep you posted on my sometimes frustrating journey.
As indicated in the 'About Me' sidebar, I am (very) quickly approaching my 30th Birthday, which I was not so upset about until I discovered that the whole concept of having my first baby before I turned 30, was not going to be the piece of cake I assumed it would be.
So my adventures in Baby-Making really began in August 2005. My dear Husband, Clark and I decided it was time to go off the pill, we had been married about 6 months and were ready to take those fist wobbly steps towards adding a little person to our family. I, of course, had no concerns, all of my girlfriends had children (mostly by accident), so I mean how hard could it be. I saw my Gynocolgist that month for my yearly exam, everything appeared OK and I told her we were jumping on the Baby Train. Dr. Optimistic said good luck and scheduled me another appointment for the first week in December, telling me to reschedule if I found out I was pregnant before then. I remember thinking to myself 'I'll be pregnant by Christmas'.
So the following few months passed, October became November and December arrived. By now I was a little disheartened and a bit surprised, but Clark and I both agreed sometimes these things just take a little time. I went to see Dr. Optimistic, who was also a little surprised, but agreed 4 months was nothing. Just to be sure, she sent me to have some hormone levels checked and asked Clark to submit a sample for a Semen Analysis. She wanted me back in 3 months and said to talk to Clark about maybe starting me on a Fertility drug called Clomid then. She also suggested using an ovulation predictor test (OPT) to narrow down my fertile time.
The end of February, I was back at Dr. Optimistic's office. By now I was concerned, something must be wrong, I never got a positive reading on any of the OPTs I took and tried charting my temperature, but it was all over the place and just made me more crazy. I had researched all I could find about Clomid and it seemed a good option. I had made up my mind that we would get me ovulating regularly and that would be it!! I arrived at Dr. O's and she presented me with the test results she had. All bad... It appeared from my progesterone levels, I was not in fact ovulating and to add insult to injury, Clark's results were not good either. Low count, low motility. Blah, blah, blah!! I shut down mentally right then, she talked about IUI possibilities, still putting me on the clomid, having Clark retested. I heard nothing, except the resounding WTF in my head!! She gave me the prescription for Clomid, for 3 months, the requistions for more tests for both of us and I stumbled out to my car.
I did manage to not cry until the car door shut and then the flood gates opened, right there in the parking lot. I lost it, how the F&^K could this be happening. I went throught the bitterness, the anger, all of it, I was pissed. But I pulled myself together and went to get my prescription filled.
I go through the highs and lows everyday in dealing with this TTC BS and some days are better than others, as I'm sure you will all come to discover and as many of you fellow infertiles know. As for where I am now, middle of clomid cycle number 2 and awaiting my referral to an Reproductive Endrocrinologist. Yup, still no luck, but boy can I pee on a stick with amazing accuracy, and Clark now knows how to read the results of an OPT, something I'm sure he always wanted to know.
Please continue to read and I'll keep you posted on my sometimes frustrating journey.
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