Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Good thoughts for the day (for a change)...

I received this in an email. I loved it. I wanted to share it will all of you wonderful blogger ladies out there who keep coming back to cheer me on, even when I'm sure the game is over. So thank you. I know I sound unhappy and pessimistic, I hope I am going through the process of grieving, whatever it is I need to grieve. I want to hold onto a tiny shred of hope. It's just been a very dark year for me. So thanks again for sharing your stories and for your support. This blog has been nothing but a place of comfort for me these past months.

So here's my good thoughts for today:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. Y ou'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Bless all of you who still come to my pity party!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Nothing too good or exciting...

That's what I have had to say lately. And the reason I haven't posted much lately. Still hanging in there. Life has started to resemble the way things were before we started ttc, just with an added bitchy flare.

We are doing all the things we used to do, I feel as though, at times I'm going through the motions and my heart isn't in it. I hope this lessens as time passes. You know, I just thought, should I bother putting up xmas decorations. I was asking myself why I bothered carving Halloween pumpkins. It seems like the things that people with kids should do. Does that mean I shouldn't bother because I don't have kids. It seems pointless and although there is no one to enjoy it with.

I'm sad alot of the time. I am trying to wrap my head around the possibility of not having kids and I'm living my life as though we won't. I'm not worrying anymore about spending, just in case I go off on mat leave. I'm not worried about having enough room in the house to clear out the spare room for a nursery. I'm not counting the days of my cycle or peeing on ovulation sticks. I'm not secretly looking at maternity clothes. I'm not calling for my blood work or driving an hour into the city for appointments. I'm just doing what I used to so before I knew that having kids won't be a 10 month process. It stings. It hurts. But what can I do? I can't decide life isn't worth living without kids.

I still have a great life, it's just very different then I ever imagined. I have great friends and alot of great family. It's what I keep telling myself and how I get through the day. So far it's working.

I hate hope and I refuse to hope anymore. I accept reality. I have to.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Getting things going...

Well the roof guys showed up this morning! A week late, but they showed. So hopefully the roof fix will be complete later this week.

The 2 weeks has passed since they ordered our new doors, so hopefully, they will be installed this week as well. I want to call and see if they are in but don't want to look like a pest calling on the day they were due. I'll call Wed. if I haven't heard from them by then.

I am feeling better physically today. Last night (sorry tmi) Clark and I tried to reclaim our sex life. It went well. It had been so long! About 2 months, although, I'm embarrassed to admit that. We were too afraid when we thought we may have created a viable pg to do anything. Then the miscarriage happened and obviously things were not going to happen then. But yesterday the bleeding stopped, I had a drink and a wonderful hot bath and then we got at it!

So some sense of normalcy has returned to my life. I went and had a couple glasses of wine with my girlfriends on Saturday. Which I then threw up! But it was worth it. I think it was residual from the mis.opros.tal or just that I haven't drank in months. Normally 2 glasses is nothing and I didn't feel drunk. But whatever.

So I guess we're on a break until at least the new year. We were bad and didn't use any protection last night. How important do you think using something is? I mean really what are the odds, I'll get pg au naturale? I don't want a repeat performance of the last 2 pgs. I thought we could use the rhythm method, although the reverse of that wasn't very successful in getting me pg, so maybe I don;t know my cycles at all? What to do. Part of me feels like saying screw it and just going for it. and the other part of me tells me to play it safe stock up on condoms and do what the dr says, until I find out what the hell my problems are. What do you think?

Friday, November 02, 2007

It's all over...

But the crying, as they say! Got the all clear from the RE today. Final u/s showed not signs of the gestational sac, nice sized ovaries and only a thin lining to be shed. Woo-hoo. Everything is as it should be. Thank god, no d&c.

Weekly blood draws until Hcg reaches zero. So at least that part of it is over.

My house renos are finally moving on. The roofer was supposed to be there today to start the repairs to our 4 year old roof, that was done incorrectly the last time. The new doors for the new 'sun room' (not really sure what to call it yet) should be in this week.

We may be able to complete the bathroom downstairs more quickly than we had thought seeing as how I will be continuously working with no mat leave in sight, at least not for 2008. Yeah looking for that silver lining. Anyway, we have very little furniture right now as we ditched all the shit we had leftover from university living and we are getting some real stuff, hand me downs still, but very upscale hand me downs, hopefully by the end of the year.

I am basically redecorating my entire house with the exception of the master bedroom. I still don;t know what to do with the 3rd bedroom, I had cleared out for the nursery. It still has a dresser and desk in it, but is basically empty, maybe I'll put a twin bed in there, or perhaps I'll turn it into a craft room. Clark would like it if I gave him a den back, we'll see. I have to do something with it, looking at it all empty just depresses me more.

As for the sunroom, it was an poorly enclosed breezeway between the house and garage and we spruced it up with garden doors to the yard and new exterior doors and side lights into the driveway, we are going to make it a sunroom or sitting room with a tv and storage for coats and shoes etc. A place to have coffee or a drink and see into the yard. It has taken a while but as I said things are moving forward with it. maybe I'll post some pics as it reaches completion.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

100th Post

I wish my 100th post was not happening at my most defeated.

I had hoped when I started this blog that by now, my dreams would be coming true. I'm tired of the fight right now. My body and soul have been through so much these past few weeks. I don't know how much fight I have left in me now. I am still cramping and bleeding and my body constantly reminds me of what I have lost.

I sat and watched the trick or treaters at the door last night, with a few glasses of wine for solace. I'm afraid I'll never get experience the joys of childhood with my own kids.

I'm deathly afraid of what these latest developments mean. Will I never be able to carry a baby to term? Can they fix this? I have so many questions and so few answers. This latest miscarriage just presents more questions. I hate the idea of waiting around for months while they figure out what they can do if anything. Of course, I will do it, because I can't bear the thought of going through this again.

I think now that the physical aspects of the end of this pregnancy are waning. The emotional ones are creeping in. I hope this deep profound sadness I have found myself enveloped in, will soon lessen.