Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Where to go... From here

That's my struggle these days. I have been training myself to have positive thoughts when I see families and babies. I have been training myself to think, I will have one of those someday. It seems to ward off some of the sadness and fear. I really don't want to be a bitter and resentful person who falls into self pity and envy every time I see someone with what I want.

This has been particularly hard on the heels of my miscarriage, with my BF being PG. I love her and I only want her happiness, I really do. I also know that a million people getting pregnant and having babies in no way has any effect on my outcome, I know this. But it doesn't make it any easier to ohhh and ahhh over her ultrasound, baby scrap book, list of names or the cutest baby thing she just bought, without choking back a sea of emotion.

I really had to fight the sadness when I saw her u/s picture. It was so hard because that is where it all fell apart for me, at the u/s. She is due 2 weeks after I would have been. How am I going to feel when she delivers and I go see the baby, thinking about my own lost opportunity? Will the pain be duller and more acceptable by then? I certainly hope so. This is a person I have been friends with my entire life (nearly 20 years), I love her like a sister, I in no way would ever want her to experience the pain and heartache of IF that I have gone through and it's not as though she is not sensitive to my feelings, she always asks if it is OK if she talks about her PG and plans etc. And I really do want to be a part of her life and her baby's life and their happiness, but damn, is it hard!

On a physical note, still no bloody (no pun intended) sign of my period in sight. Five weeks on Friday since my d&c. I hope it either comes now or waits. I am leaving for Las Vegas, a week from Friday and don't want to have to deal with that abomination during my vacation. But on the other hand, the sooner it comes, the sooner I am back in the trenches with my acupuncture and at least the ability to try on our own. And for those of you who are thinking it, I did a hpt last week and it was neg. So I guess that is my benchmark. I am afraid to do another. Dr. Optimistic told me 4-6 weeks for my period so I guess I am still on track, I was hoping for the 4, but when does anything ever goes as planned in the crazy world of IF!

I have, as many of you can relate to, been feeling very melancholy. I am struggling and fighting to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I have moments when I am alone, that it all overwhelms me and I have a little cry. I am not drowning, just treading water, with the occasional feeling I can't keep it up. So the month of March is all about me! Like when is life not about me? Tee-hee! But really I am being completely self-indulgent, I have a spa day coming up this Saturday, then I am off to Vegas and when I get back, I am going away for the weekend with an old friend, who has been battling bre.ast can.cer. Hopefully it will promote some spiritual healing before I proceed on with the next chapter in my life.

I am shutting the door on this chapter of my first failed pregnancy and am ready to start writing the next chapter.

Monday, February 26, 2007


That's what I'm concentrating my energy on. But couldn't help but voice my opinion over on Inglewood's blog. Seems we stirred up a little chaos. I think I agree with her she has arrived!

Not much to post, just trying to get through each day and focus on the positive and the future. And not focus on the wrenching feeling in my gut every time I see a baby or a hear about a baby or someone having a baby or a family enjoying a Sunday afternoon. I'm working through my hurt and disappointment and trying not to get caught up in the despair and fear.

It's mostly working. I am really trying to be OK spending time with friends and relatives and their kids, it's hard, but I have to be able to continue on enjoying this life I have been given.

I know things are still a little raw for me and can only get better with time.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Data Documentation

This is not really a post so much as a timeline for myself. I just want to remember the time frames surrounding this first pregnancy and miscarriage for future reference. I need to document it now before I forget and look back trying to remember. So here it is.

November 7th/06 - Appointment with RE, does vag u/s and tells me to stop the clo.mid and just do the 2000mg of metf0rmin, we schedule an appointment for February 1 for 1st iui consult.
November 9th/07 - I got my period, no clo.mid this cycle. Stayed on the met, started some chinese herbs.
November 20th, 22nd, 24th/06 - Acupuncture these days.
November 22nd-23rd/06 - I think this is probably around when I actually conceived.
December 6th/06 - Noted that I had not been feeling well, really, really tired and moody, kind of crampy like I should be getting my period, peeing alot and strange disrupted bowel issues (which I blamed on the met, but not sure).
December 6th/06 - (CD 28, approx. 14dpo) took a pregnancy test - positive - took 2 more, both positive.
December 6th/06 - had blood draw, qualitative beta only, stopped taking the met.
December 7th/06 - took 2 more HTPs, both positive, I was still in shock.
December 8th/06 - got the call from the Dr's office that the qualitative was positive.
December 11th/06 - went for first appt, had quantitative betas done.
December 18th/06 - got the beta results, 2264 at 19dpo and 7111 at 22dpo.
January 5th/07 - first ultrasound at 8w1d, no heartbeat, sac measuring 6w6d.
January 19th/06 - second ultrasound at 10w1d, no heartbeat, empty sac, tech tells me looks like a blighted ovum.
January 22nd/07 - beta draw was over 10,000.
January 26th/07 - d&c at 11w1d.
February 5th/07 - beta draw was 46.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

My Tired Valentine

Tired.. that's how Clark tells me he feels after the last few weeks. It was the first time, he ever shared emotion with me and I knew exactly what he was talking about and exactly how he felt at that given moment.

We had a lovely, quiet and intimate Valentine's Day. Clark go me a gift certificate to a local spa and some chocolate and of course a card. We went to a really nice restaurant for dinner with another couple. We had a wonderful meal and a few drinks. (I am big into the wine these days, maybe a little too much so, but I figure what do I have to not drink for.) It was really nice and we talked about my wanting to get another dog, I think I am finally wearing him down. By summer I may have won! But, I digress, we arrived home and "went to bed". Just for the fun of it, it was indeed, novel! Then we laid there talking and of course the conversation turned to the whole fertility issue and miscarriage.

It was the first time since the d&c that talking about it choked me up. When he said he felt tired, I knew what he meant, I feel like I have been to hell and back emotionally and physically in the last few months and during our conversation I realized a few important things about how I feel about the situation at this point.

1. I feel horrible about the miscarriage, but I feel worse about what the future holds, what if I don't get pregnant again.
2. I'm not ready to jump back into trying right now, for the first time in my life I know how those people feel that don't want to know if they are pregnant or not. I never thought I would feel this way, but I wouldn't want to know. I don't want to get my hopes all up again and then disaster strikes. I feel fragile in that area right now, I don't know if I could take another blow again so soon.
3. I know a big part of me as given up hope. Hope was something Clark and I talked about. What does it really mean, hope really means to wish for, anticipate, expect. I don't feel any of those things right now. We also talked about faith and having some. The big question is having faith in what. Clark says he has faith that good things will happen to us. I have faith that some day I will die, I don't know when or how or who I will leave behind, but that's about the only faith I can muster right now.
4. I never want to take another pregnancy test again. I know I will but, I have so many leading up to and following the d&c that I am sick to death of knowing what my beta levels are.
5. I want to stick my head back in the sand. I feel like a turned a light on in a room and saw so many things that I never wanted to see, but now I can't un-see them.

So many things I need to work through. I yo-yo back and forth between so many feelings, sometimes I don't know if I am coming or going. All I know is that right now I can not focus on my fertility problems, I need time.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Some Sense of Normalcy...

Well, things in life are reverting back to how things used to be. Minus most of the infertility stress. I pretty much know that unless a miracle happens, I can't get pregnant until at least after my next period, and then it took a year and a half the first time, so who's to say it won't again. My research indicates that most women do not ovulate until after a normal cycle following a d&c. That being said, Clark points out, when have I ever done anything the normal way@! So true!

But nonetheless, I'm not much thinking about trying to get pregnant. No OPKs, no monitoring, nothing. Just good old fashioned sex when we feel like it. It's nice. It feels like our relationship 2 years ago.

I have planned all kinds of non-pregnant things to do in the coming weeks. We are heading to Las Vegas for a wedding, can't wait, sooo excited about going. I planned a spa day for a weekend that Clark is away skiing and I am meeting a girlfriend who lives out of town for a girls weekend away at the end of March. I re-booked our annual cottage holiday for August (had previously cancelled, when I thought I would be due mid-August).

I have been keeping myself busy and resisting the urge to wallow. I read Inglewood's last post about still being bitter about her 5 miscarriages and it makes me think, wow, was I cocky and naive. I guess we really never do think it will happen to us, until it does. I never, ever thought I would be experience all of this IF and then miscarriage stuff.

But my life is good, I have wonderful people around me, and great things happening. I love my hubby, I have never felt so blessed to have him, as I have in the past few weeks. He's my rock. We have been closer than ever, since the miscarriage. I was worried it might put even more stress on our relationship than there was already.

So I guess the plan from here on in is to live life. And by that I mean live the life I have, not the one that I ache for. I surrender to the ways of the universe for now. I have had all of the fight taken out of me, the month of January was so emotionally stressful for me, I just can't imagine putting my body and my heart back there right now. I can't even think about any kind of infertility treatment right now, it's just too painful to think this could happen again, and again.

Sometimes, I feel the urge to ask why all of this is happening to me, or when I see people out in public with their children I think why do they deserve to be parents, but we don't. I know it's silly, but I can't help it. Most of all, I feel guilty. I feel like I know Clark is only going through this because of me, if he had married someone else, this wouldn't be happening to him, it's all me. That's a pretty shitty feeling. I feel bitter that I was living a deception for nearly 3 months, celebrating a non-viable pregnancy, experiencing all the symptoms and sharing my joy and happiness with others, but it was all a cruel joke, that was soon ripped out of me, like my heart itself. I know I'll go on, but only now can I understand how a little piece of you dies each time. Only now can I truly understand the depths of how devastating infertility is. Only now I have become afraid to pursue a dream. (Well so much for the not wallowing).

I keep the hope of a miracle alive. Maybe I'll just fall pregnant (I love how fertiles use this term, like it's as easy and hap-hazard as tripping up the stairs) on my own without any hoopla and fan fare and actually carry a baby to term. I feel like hoping for that, is like praying for immaculate conception. Why is such a fundamental biological occurrence, so intangible for some of us? So for now, I am doing all I can to heal spiritually, and figuratively put the pieces of my heart back together.