Thursday, April 26, 2007

Can Someone please tell me, is there a pot of gold at the end of the Rainbow...

I'm in a kind of reflective mood today. I am dreading my birthday next weekend when I turn 31. Not so much the number anymore. I kind of got over it when I turned 30. I figure what's the point in worrying about how old we are, it is what it is. But it just seems to be marker as to how long I've been on the journey to a baby. I remember hoping and praying I would get pregnant before I turned 30, then 31...

And I can tell you, that it's way too fucking long! Now don't get me wrong, I know the exact date we started trying, the first day of my first cycle was August 11, 2005. So it hasn't quite been 2 years yet ( and I know from reading others blogs this is the minor leagues). But this is my pity party so I can still think it sucks.

I went back and read my posts from a year ago and was a little taken aback to realize I sound exactly the same, maybe a little more jaded, but I am still thinking the same way. Holding out hope after hope that this cycle is it and it never fucking is! In 20 cycles, I had one + and that ended rather badly. So I apologize if I sound extremely bitter today, but I am. I am actually due for my period on my birthday, so I told Clark, it was just one more kick in the face I could get from the universe. Although it can't be as bad as last year, when I got my period on Mother's day and Father's day. Someone get out the salt, I have open wounds. The only thing worse I can imagine is that I'll get my period on the date the only baby I ever conceived would have been due.

Yeah, I'm pretty bitchy. I just think I have had it. I can't keep doing this every month, being depressed and upset that I got my period and then getting my hopes back up for the next cycle. I think I might be having a meltdown. I am ready to give this bullshit ride up. The met is making me feel like a walking shit bag (pun intended) and my mood (obviously) is in the toilet. I hate most people in my life right now, mostly due to the fact that they are either pregnant or already have kids. Or are pregnant with the second one since we starting ttcing.

I try to be grateful for what I have, but for the love of god, I am sick to death of this bull shit infertility. I think I need to give up. I am not that strong, really, I have tried to be, but my heart just keeps getting ripped out and stomped on and I can only pick up the piece so many times. I really have tried to figure out what I am supposed to be learning from this, and how I can use this experience to grow as a person or gain more compassion or empathy. Has anyone figured any of this out yet? Because I keep coming back to why is this happening to me!!

Even as I write this rampage, I am sitting here willing myself to just be pregnant this month. When do you decide enough is enough? When do you stop torturing yourself? I know I will never give up the fight to have a baby, because that is just who I am. I can't give up the dream no matter if it kills me (physically or emotionally). But I wish I could keep myself from being disappointed, just a little bit.

When I popped over to read Jenny's joyous news (so happy for her, even if this post sounds incredibly negative!), I looked at the pics of her holding her gorgeous little baby and thought, wow, this may actually all be worth it, if only we could all just get there. I really do try to keep my eye on the prize, but this week is one that is just crapping all over me.

Oh and how the hell do you find the rainbow. Directions please!!

Monday, April 23, 2007

It's Not St. Patrick's Day...

So why is that GREEN-EYED monster rearing it's ugly, ugly green head at me? What kind of a person has infertility made me into when I cry at other people's joyous news?

Yes, you got it, I'm smack in the middle of a 2ww, trying my best just to get by and maintain a shred of the happy-go-lucky person I was only a couple short years ago and then out of nowhere, jealousy bites me in the ass! It started last night, I had just been coming nicely to terms with my BFF, who is 51/2 months pg and due 2 weeks after I WOULD have been (I looked at her baby stuff, bought her a gift and dug very deep to enjoy it all) and then slam, another close relative is PG (again), 5 weeks along and already has a 11 month old, am I ecstatically happy for her, did I repeat my baby mantra over and over again, did I remind myself that it will happen for us too, yes, yes and YES!!! Did it help - a little. So I get to work this morning and a colleague is flashing new grandbaby pics at our weekly sales meeting!

Ok, I know that there is a not a universal baby bank and these people are not depleting the savings, I know their pgs have no effect on my situation, but damn, why is it so damn HARD!!!

I hate being a jealous bitch, but I have to admit I shed a few tears last night and ground my teeth so hard, that I couldn't get to sleep. How have I turned into this person that can't just be happy for others, others that I care deeply about and would in no way wish any of this infertility BS on.

My head is not in a joyful place today. I called and offered congrats and I think I faked it pretty good, but it scratches at my still open wounds.

That said, I'm heading home to enjoy a lovely dinner with my fabulous husband, in my pretty fabulous house (IMHO), with it's freshly polished lawn and garden (yep, did yard work all weekend) and to see my cutesy little furry girl, (who I must say behaved like a little angel during the weekend yard clean up), so what do I really have to complain about? I guess God is good, even if life sometimes ain't! IT WILL HAPPEN FOR ME TOO! I keep repeating that in hopes it helps.

Monday, April 16, 2007

I really do have a life...

Ok, so I don't know if I have ever really talked about how I like to scrapbook. I know I never seem to talk about anything other than whining about how I can't get pregnant, what I am attempting to get pregnant and my period, I know, I know it gets old for me too. But I actually do participate in other activities in RL.

So I went to a scrapbooking 'event' Friday night with a bunch of girlfriends. It was 6 hours of women and scrapbooking. I have to tell you that I was a little apprehensive about attending, due to the overwhelming attraction fertile women have to talking about their babies. But I actually did OK. I handled it anyway, without a major meltdown. Even though my table consisted of a women with 2 kids, one who is PG with #2 and the other had a 9 month old and all 3 of them got pg by accident before they got married. Really and truly, I only internally rolled my eyes a couple of times. So it was a good test.

On the RL front, my girlfriend who has been home visiting over Easter finally called me out on my BS and basically had me crying while telling her about the details of my life for the last few months, she knows generally what had been going on with me, but not the nitty gritty. It actually felt kind of good to tell someone in RL how I really feel, that I am pissed off and angry. She seemed to think they were normal feelings and warned me about internalizing all of it. It was a good talk, it made me feel like it was OK to not always hold up a stoic front for people. She warned me too, that alot of my friends think I am superhuman, because I never lose it when talking about my inability to conceive, that I always seem so even! Wow! I guess I do vent alot on this blog that I don't talk about in real life.

So I think it was, in a way, good for me. The rest of the weekend I spent cleaning my house and making a great meal on Sunday night. I also had a few glasses of wine on Saturday, which was a nice unwind, just at home with Clark. So all in all the weekend was somewhat cathartic. I had really given up on a lot of thing that used to matter to me, like how clean my house is and what my yard looks like to the neighbours, but it's time to get back on that horse!!

So now, I begin the week of really trying, where I feel like I have some control (ok, deep down I know I really don't, but humour me here!) over whether I get PG or not! I start acupuncture today (cd12) and then it's off the the races, like rabbits!!! I haven't decided yet if I am doing any OPKs or just leave it up to chance, sometimes I feel there is too much pressure if I know I am Oing. I have graduated up to 2000mg of met again, I had to get there gradually. Oh come on you really didn't think I was going to get through a whole post without talking about my current cycle did you??

Friday, April 13, 2007

An A-HA Moment

I think I finally had an a-ha that may shake me out of this current funk. It was last night after work. I thought given the last few months, I could use a massage. I generally go regularly but was too nervous to go when I was PG (anyone know if it is OK, or have any thoughts on pregnancy massage - I'd like to know for future reference). But I digress, so in talking to my RMT (she knows the general story of my IF), she is taking an acupuncture course so we got to talking about TCM and acupuncture. Anyway she asked me what, if anything was different about my cycle or attitude in November when I did get PG.

So it got me thinking, where was I mentally back then. And then it hit me, I was on hold, I was totally not expecting (pardon the pun) to get knocked up. It had been many, many cycles, the RE had taken me off the clo.mid. I was on hold until February to do my IUI orientation and I was kind of on a break. So maybe I really do need to force myself to stop thinking about it and obsessing.

Now, I know this is easier said than done. Especially considering I am the most unproductive at work I have ever been (although you can read a lot of blogs in a day - don't tell my boss!). I have been avoiding my friends with kids like the plague and generally have retreated a bit from life. So can I take control of my thinking and shift myself out of this obsessive phase? I don't know but I think it can only benefit me. I know the whole mental attitude is not everything and I know relaxing or taking a vacation and all the other assvice we get is not going to make a miracle happen (my partially blocked tubes, pcos and hormone levels might play their part as well) but I need SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get me out of the current train of thought I have been running on!

I really feel weak, I bloody well can't think of anything else. It's the worst it's ever been. It's on my mind first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I am driving to work and burst into tears at that stupid T*im Mc.Graw song, you know I loved fi*rst or what ever the F it's called. I'm kind of a mess or at least as big a mess as I have been since the initial knowledge of my situation hit me last February.

So that's my rant for today, it actually kind of felt good to share my real feelings for once and not hide behind 'trying to think positively'. I admit it, I'm bitter and pissed off. I am sad and I hurt. Does screaming out loud make it hurt any less?

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

This & That

I missed posting on my 1 year Blogaversary on purpose. I didn't really want to mark that milestone. I whole year pheeeww! I was really hoping when I started that I would be turning this into a pregnancy blog right quickly. Obviously that didn't happen.

As for the physical update: my period arrived on Thursday, giving me a 29 day cycle this month, an improvement I think. Better that my usual 32 - 34. It also was pretty nasty this month, more so that my usual, so I am taking that as a good sign as well. New cycle, new month, new possibilities, back in the saddle again (luckily not back in the stirrups just yet!)

I can't deny I have been floating through the last few months in a fog. I know I have been saying all the right things to everyone in RL. But I am not sure alone, in the dark I believe any of my own bullshit, I wonder if they do? A couple of times I have been having a little cry and hear Clark come home and immediately feel like I need to present a normal front. I don't know what he will think if he sees me crying, I know we are both sad, he knows I am sad. I am starting to wonder if maybe I'm a little depressed.

I know that isn't an unheard of notion. I just never thought I would feel so sad all of the time. I hope it gets better with time, I know it only can. I am not sure if I am sad and depressed about the miscarriage or about the future. I want to believe so badly that things will work out for us, but it gets so hard to keep up the hope and not let the doubt creep in.

So that pretty much sums up how I have been feeling in the last few weeks. Plagued with uncertainty and just really in a rut. Maybe I was on a vacation high for so long following the miscarriage that I am just settling back into normal life and it is all closing in on me.

I have decided that I need to feel and do right now. I can't wait until the spring weather improves so I can start my yard work. I am going to try a little vegetable garden this year. I am also going to go ahead with the plans to clear out the room I was going to use as a nursery. I need to empty the closet and dressers. Everything in there is mostly junk and just sort of landed there because it is our extra room and we don't go in there much. Don't worry I haven't lost it completely I am not going to decorate it or buy furniture or anything, I just want it to be de-cluttered in the event I do need to re-decorate it in the near future. I figure the best thing to do is to show the universe what I want. Famous last words!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


I am really trying to resist the urge to post everyday. I am trying to re-direct my obsessive energy. I did an HPT today, although, I was not expecting it to be positive and it wasn't. So it has left me feeling a little disappointed. Why is that? Even though I tried to give myself the self talk that directed my thoughts in the direction of 'first cycle after the d&c, it's not likely to happen right away, give your body a few months to regulate again' etc. etc.

Still I can't deny I wished it had happened right away. Why do I go through so many emotions in a day, an hour? Sometimes I can skate through the day with, it'll happen when it is meant to, if it's not this month it will be soon. Other times I feel despair and want to throw myself a little pity party. I feel like no one in my real life knows or understands how I feel. I feel gutted a lot, I feel like I think way to much about hormones, OPTs, HPTS, met, acupuncture and timing sex with my husband. How do you make yourself stop obsessing about it? How do you stop thinking about it every waking minute of the day and dreaming about it at night? How do you shut yourself down, sometimes I say out loud to myself - stop thinking that, stop thinking about it! If I could get pregnant by how much I thought about how, wanting to be and sad that I am not, I would have 10 kids by now.

I think somehow I have reverted back to the kicking and screaming about how it's not fair stage. I thought I was past that. I thought I was moving toward acceptance, but daily life seems to be getting harder to deal with not easier.

Maybe I am just hormonal and despairing about the bfn. Maybe the IUI process getting started in August is a good thing, maybe that will only lead to false hope and more disappointment.

I wish I had a crystal ball sometimes...

I will join Baby Blues in her hole party, anybody else want to come?