Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Back to My Reality

Well the vacationing is over. Back to normal life! Ve.gas was fantastic, a little too much family togetherness, but that's totally to be expected. Everyone actually got along OK, but there were several times I had wished Clark and I could just ditch them all and go off on our own.

All in all, it has been a busy month, and in the midst of it all I was able to jump back into pregnancy obsessing with very little difficulty. I thought my desires may have waned a bit by now, but as soon as I got my period I was on the phone scheduling my acupuncture for this month.

The spa weekend was a much needed retreat after spending so much time being 'on' around Clark's family. I had a blast with my girlfriend and the place we went was fabulous, we decided we should make it an annual ritual.

So I am kind of at a loss these days, which is I guess why I haven't blogged much lately. What is there to say, daily life is just plugging along. Clark and I both decided we needed to take a healthier approach to life, so we have been trying to eat better and get out for a walk every night after dinner. I figure it can only help me to get pregnant if I can lose some weight. I have started back on the met yet. I wanted to do one month of just acupuncture and herbs and see where that got me. I really hope it happens soon. I am trying to figure out what is worse, knowing I got pregnant on my own once and holding out hope it can happen again or not having gotten pregnant at all. The jury's still out.

While am typing this, my RE just called to reschedule my IUI orientation that I had to cancel in February because I was PG. I booked it for August, I know that seems like a life time away. I don't know I am just not ready to face the next phase of treatment. I guess I am still hoping that nature will just take it's course. Seems like such a silly thing to hope for at this stage in the game. But it's really all a crap shoot - this infertility thing.

I feel better than I have in the past, I think I have recovered a bit form the initial shock and sadness of the miscarriage and I am moving past the despair I felt before I got pregnant. I am still fearful that parenthood is an elusive dream for us, but am really struggling to maintain some faith. I also have let go of some of the emotion and resentment I have been consumed with.

Life in general is good. I am blessed, and this weekend reminded me of that again and again. We're healthy and happy and able to go on vacation and treat ourselves and so many things we take for granted. I am really going to try to make 2007 about being a better person, physically and emotionally. So hopefully I can continue my journey in personal growth.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Inquiring minds want to know! TMI to follow...

Well finally! My period arrived in the early hours of this morning. With a vengeance. Actually unlike any period I have ever had, maybe this is a good sign.

I was happy that it came. I knew I wasn't pregnant and I really do want to try to get pregnant again. I don't want to go through the heartache and stress again. But I try to convince myself, I have had an education in miscarriage now and will be a little more prepared the next time.

I was unhappy that it came 2 days before I leave for Veg.as. Hopefully the intensity with which it arrived will simmer down by Saturday. Mega cramps and flow! Is this how normal people have periods? Mine is normally a few days, mostly pantyliners and over. This is nuts!

So I scheduled my next acupuncture. I am still determined to give the natural healing a go for a while. I might look as re-scheduling with my RE toward the end of the summer. But I want to believe the millions (ok it just feels like everyone who knows I miscarried has said this to me) of people who have told me 'at least you know you can get pregnant'. So maybe I really can get pregnant again on my own. If this period is any indication of what my lining looks like, woo-hoo!

So I just have to say it again. Maybe I can get pregnant on my own again. I know for all of us in IF land, this seems like a silly notion. What people get pregnant with out drugs and vag wandings and iui, at least? Is this even possible? Well I know a few of us out there have made it possible and I am here to tell you that I did. Now mind you, I didn't carry to term, but let's deal with one hurdle at a time. I am back to the let's just try to get that little sucker to take, then we'll deal with how to keep them in there! I know it's a long shot, but I'm willing, at this point to forgo any intervention, and invest a few more months in giving it a try on our own. Hell, it's been 18 months, what's a few more!

So on a non-IF note (do I ever talk about anything else, because it seems like I never think about anything else), I'm off to Ve.gas on Friday, as un-pregnant as they come! So it's a week of boozing and fun for me! And that's exactly what I plan to do.

For those of you paying attention, the spa weekend was heavenly, the perfect prelude to my trip!

I'll see y'all in a week or so, probably fatter, drunker and a little bitchier (a week with Clark's family may do that to me).