Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Up and down...

Why does this whole process feel that way. I feel like I am just coming to terms with how long and hard of a journey getting pregnant will be, and then hope rears it's ugly head again. Don't get me wrong, I got great results at the RE yesterday and I couldn't be happier about it. It just seems that I am filled with hope once again, just to get torn down.

But the news - the sono-hsg came back clear. No structural problems at all with the old ute! So this is very good. My RE seriously think I have just been incredibly unlucky. PCOS gives us a higher risk of miscarriage anyway, so I just got the short end, it seems.

We are proceeding with the rpl blood panel. They drew that yesterday and we'll hopefully have results early January. But we have been given the go ahead to proceed with iui #2 on the start of my next cycle.

So I guess we're jumping back on the old roller coaster to see if we can get lucky this time. In the event the blood clotting test comes back positive we'll know before I am pg and can proceed accordingly. My RE doesn't think that's the problem.

So dare I muster a little hope?

Oh and as a last thought, the sono-hsg was horrible I had a weird pukey dizzy reaction that stayed with me throughout the day. Test itself was ok, thankfully its done!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Christmas and Christmas Gifts...

I am done my shopping!!! I am so happy, everything is wrapped and I am pretty much ready to go. No dodging out to the store at the last minute I hope!

My camera seems to be having difficulty. So I am postponing the picture post of the renos. They are sort of at a stand still for the moment anyway. Clark is procrastinating on doing the inside and I can't really say I blame him. He has worked really hard on everything over the last 3 months or so. We still need drywall and some adjustments to the heating ducts out there, but it will get done.

Right now the big stumbling block is finding 2 ceiling fans that I like, that I can afford (or that I want to pay for). I know I am a very savvy shopper and like to get a good deal (read: married to the cheapest man alive) but I refuse to pay $200 for a ceiling fan, especially when we need 2 to match! Since the completed room, used to be a breezeway and has no basement under it, I am worried that the temperature out there will always be compromised. Will it be cold in the winter and hot in the summer compared to the rest of the house? We have an electric fireplace that will go out there for the winter, and I wanted 2 ceiling fans to keep the air flow going in the summer months. There will be heat and a/c out there. But I guess we'll see. We insulated the crap out of it hoping that will help.

Oh and as for the surprise I got Clark. I booked a hotel for 2 nights for new year's eve in the city where we got married (about 3 hours away). He has no idea, and we were just grumbling about what to do for nye this year. Since it has pretty much sucked for the last few. So I thought it would be a perfect time to rekindle our partying ways and just go the 2 of us and have a blast and as I like to say - party like it's 1999! Back in the day when I used to party!!!

I hope he likes it. I prepaid the hotel, so he won't see the cost or have to worry about the credit card bill when we get back, since the majority of our money is joint it's hard to spend a few hundred bucks without him seeing it, but I did it! I think it will be fun. I haven't planned anything else, just that we are leaving on the Sunday and coming home on the 1st. I made him a cute little card to give him xmas morning and then we can plan exactly what to do while we're there. There appears to be lots of options!

I also hope the weather co-operates. Driving 3 hours in the heart of an Ontario winter could be a challenge or it could be 2 degrees C, who knows!! Plus some the nye activity is outside, so it would be nice if the temperature was reasonable.

So Tues is my sono-hsg. Wish me luck. Oh and to the question about the RPL blood panel, I am set up to do that in January. They wanted me to wait 6-8 weeks following a 0 beta. Which I finally got on November 19. I think they will be checking for all the clotting mutations such as V lei.den fac.tor and Once they get some more information we can figure out what the next step is. I assume I will have more direction after I see the RE on Tues.

No word on whether our puppy was successfully conceived yet. I don't really expect to hear anything until after the holidays.

I am soooo looking forward to having some time off at Christmas. Clark is a teacher so he has 2 weeks. I am done the 21st until the 2nd!!! YAY!! I am sleeping and relaxing!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Finding the Christmas spirit...

I popped over to Disenchanted with Reality and read her most recent post. WOW! Can I relate to all the feelings and tensions she has with regard to her hubby. Clark and I have been going through the same thing. He keeps everything bottled up inside, and my hurt and anger and disappointment just seems to come out as impatient and bitchy.

I am still hurting, I am still disappointed and the Holiday season just makes it that much worse, all the festive Santa stuff, just reminds me how I'm not celebrating the holidays with my own kids. None of our siblings have kids either so there is no Santa visit in our houses. Christmas is a low key day, we open presents and don't get me wrong, our families are incredibly generous and we are blessed in so many ways. But I was the last baby born in my and Clark's families, making me the youngest and let's face it Christmas is so much about Children and surprise.

So as another Holiday passes and I am reminded again of what I don't have, I really am trying to embrace what I do have. Clark and I had a great talk the other night, he finally acknowledged and validated my feelings. I have been rather mean to him lately, not intentionally, just unconsciously, I think I was harbouring some resentment toward him, he seems to just move on with no mourning period whatsoever and here I am wallowing. It's hard. I won't deny, I struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, sometimes I am gripped with a sadness that causes me physical pain and almost brings me to my knees. I'm also angry and bitter and resentful. I don't want to be. But I look back at the past year and think wow, 2 pgs and 2 miscarriages in less than a year. My hormones are all over the place and I'm sure that doesn't help. Clark remains positive and hopeful and I can't look to the future yet. I can't contemplate another pg, because with it I contemplate the possibility of another loss. I'm not sure I can lose another baby, I think it would tear down the last shred of sanity I am holding onto. But I know I will move forward for him.

When I look back I think about what a long, awful, unexpected journey this has been. But then I fear that it has only begun. There is so much more to come. The investigations, the tests, the vicious cycle of cycles, the hope and the despair. When I began the process of assisted trying, I feared how I would cope physically, if I was strong enough and stoic enough to get through the needles and the bloodwork and the u/s and the lap and the hundreds of other pokes and prodes. But now I know, it's not the physical that brings us down, it's the emotional hell I have been through. It's a road so dark, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's a tip to hell so real that I hope not another couple ever buys a ticket. As I write this the song playing on the radio is "I will go down with this ship". God I hope that's not true.

Saturday I got my period. I scheduled my sono-hsg for Tuesday (a week from today). It's the last thing I want to do before the Holidays. But my get-er-done attitude makes me just want to get things moving forward. I'm afraid if I don't take this first step. I never will. This is the first in the process to figure out why my babies keep dying. Clark wants me to do it. He so much as told me so. He would like to believe we are on the cusp of figuring out what the problem is. I hope he's right.

I feel a lot of guilt as well like this is all my fault and Clark is just unlucky and along for the ride, because he didn't choose a suitable breeding partner. I know that's silly. But I can't help it.

Whoa, I don't even know where all of that came from, but I guess I need to get it out. Apparently the Holidays are effecting me more than I thought. I promise an uplifting post next time. Complete with reno and dog pics and a complete update on the surprise I got Clark for Christmas, which I hope will allow us some time together and bring us back to happier times in our relationship.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

A little Christmas-y!

Well, I started thinking about how bah-hum-bug my post sounded yesterday, so last night, i had a glass of wine and at least put up a few lights outside and hung a wreath on the front door as well.

I was delinquent about taking pictures of the renos, although, i want to remember what it looked like before, so will have to get on that and promise I will post a couple.

I was glad to hear from those of you who have had sono-hsg and say it's painless. At least that's good.

The puppy news is very exciting for me. I realized how little I talk about my sweet little BT (bos.ton ter.rier) on here. But she really is the centre of our household. We love her like crazy and she is always up to some crazy antics, that make you laugh. We won't know until closer to xmas or after if this breeding 'takes' as the breeder put it. So I'll know for sure in the new year if there will be an available litter. Same breeder we got the sweet girl from, so we aren't too worried about temperament etc. My gut is to go with another girl. I have to start thinking about names and I'm open to suggestions so please feel free to comment. I hate dog sounding names though, I prefer something more humany!

And to please Chas, since I likely won't have pics of the new pup for months, here's our #1. She's 3 1/2 and a total ham!!

PS - I have always avoided posting pics to maintain my anonymity but, everyone needs a few adorable dog pics!!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

I'm still around...

And I've been checking in on all of you. Although I have mostly been lurking. I haven't really had much to say.

I'm working through the crazy mix of feelings I have being going through over the last couple months. I am not really looking forward to Christmas. But I am trying to keep plugging on. I haven't put up any decorations and I'm not really sure that I am going to. I hung a wreath on my door. I have started my shopping though and I'm about half done.

In reno news, our new doors finally got installed! And they look beautiful, I 'm going to post some pictures this week with my wreath up, it looks just like a Christmas card!! The electrical work is done in the new sunroom/den, insulation is in and we just need to drywall. I can't wait until it's done! We still have a ton to do in our house, another bathroom to complete and some decorating to finish, but it's getting there. All of my friends are moving to big new homes. But I just don't want the mortgage, I'm happy with my fixer upper. I get to do everything exactly the way I want and I get to pay for it gradually, plus I have money to spend on other things, like my new car! And trips or of course, fertility treatments!

Although I have to say that I have been extremely fortunate that between our provincial coverage and Clark's benefits, we have only had to pay out of pocket for about $400 over the last 2 1/2 years! I know how much my American girlfriends fork out. Just another reason I proud to be Canadian!! In other baby making news. We have been bad. We have not abided by our RE's orders for protected sex. We have been taking our chances. Not sure that this is 100% smart, but we'll see. I should be getting my period any day now, I haven't had one since the miscarriage and it's day 40, last miscarriage I go it on day 41. So we'll see if I stay on that schedule. Our case manager called today, they want me to notify them of my day 1 and they want to do a sono-hsg. i looked it up (of course) and it's a wanding where they fill your uterus with saline, to check for fibroids, polyps etc. Sounds fun. But then there could be worse. I'll do it (of course). At the same appointment he'll go over any other tests that he wants to do and a game plan. So I guess, as usual, it's a waiting game for aunt flo to rear her ugly head.

In happy news, I finally broke Clark about getting a puppy. Our breeder thinks she'll have a litter ready to go in the Spring, if her recent breeding goes well. So yay!! I think I want another girl. Anyone with two dogs that has any advice on which combo of sexes works best together, 2 girls, one of each? I'm excited about that and it gives me something to look forward too. My mom thinks I'm taking too much on in case I do get pg (what are the odds of that again?) And you know what if I end up with a puppy and pg, I say yipppeee! I'll be off on mat leave with all of them.

Now I'm just kind of concerned I'll end up pg this month since I wasn't asking for it!!! I know, I totally knew what I was getting into, when I chose to take my chances. Things never happen the way we plan, so I choose not to plan!!