Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Clomid Round 4 has Begun

Yup, today is Cycle day 3. I started the clomid. 100mg. I have to admit I really contemplated taking it on CD1, but thought better of it and figured I should follow the DR's orders at least this time.

Why do you ask, would I consider taking it on day 1. Well, I have read that there is a higher success rate if the clomid is taken earlier in your cycle. Maybe next month.

So I have little to say today other than once again I feel defeated. I had almost convinced myself to have hope this cycle, with the LAP and everything, but my period showed up on Day 31 just as scheduled.

Now, I just sit and await the hormone hell to start. It is about 100 degrees F, here this week, I can't wait for the hot flashes. Yipppeeee!

And so it begins... Again.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Living in Limbo...

I just read Jenny's post - My Life Revolves Around You - and I have to say it rocked me to my core. God, can I relate to this.

I gave up smoking. I divorced my first husband, because I thought he would be a shitty father. Every house I have ever owned has always had three bedrooms and in every house I have envisioned the nursery and how it would be decorated and where I would spend my sleepless nights trying to console my baby. I changed jobs in January so I could have more flexible hours and more time off. We need to buy a new car, but will I be off on Maternity leave next year?, can we afford it? Should we book the cottage for next year or will I have a newborn?

It makes me sad to think I spend so much time on what ifs and maybes. I am so pathetic, I have even priced the baby furniture I want and thought about the configuration for the furniture. Clark won't let me plant and trees in the middle of our yard, in case he wants to throw a ball around with our potential kids or wants to put up a swing set.

Every time I go to Target or Walmart, I look at the baby clothes and think, I'd buy this or this and I would need this.

So, yes I relate. I have lived it. Jenny, you are always bang on.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

CD 27 of LAP Cycle

Yeah, I still count they days. If I calculated my O correctly, which I am not overly confident in, I should be about 10DPO today.

I think this journey is supposed to teach me patience. I have never had the virtue of a lot of patience. Clark has also told me I don't like to wait for things. And I admit it, I don't. I'm an results oriented kind of girl. I am also a psychotic and obsessive kind of girl the last year or so. So I decided this morning what my greatest fear about all of this is. The greatest fear is that I will never give birth to a child. I know I have touched on this before, but now I approach it from the perspective that I can wait for all of this to happen. I can muster up the patience to wait until the Universe deems it to be my time, I just can't deal with it never happening at all.

This morning I decided I needed to embrace patience and hope. I have to have hope, because without hope, what do I have. I have a life where I live in constant fear of not being able to realize my greatest dream. I have to stop living in fear. I have to start hoping again, even if it causes temporary disappointment each month. It has to be better than living in the constant numbness that I currently reside in, too afraid of the disappointment to be hopeful. Too wrapped up in today's current despair to see that this too will pass, and the future can still look bright.

So as I go forward this summer I want to embrace life like I used and stop obsessing about this baby dream, but still have hope that the future holds the answer to my prayers.

All that being said, I do have hope still for this cycle. I have been reading so much about women who get pregnant immediately following a Lap or HSG. And I think let that be me, let that be me!!! I am not, however, testing this cycle. I have to stop obsessing. I am driving myself totally crazy.

I will test if my period is late, not here by Saturday, then I will test. And until then, I will be silently praying.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

What does Elephant taste like?

Back to feeling physically normal. Or at least my version of normal (down 10lbs, at least that is a good thing). I am feeling a bit gloomy these days. I want to let myself hope so badly, but I can't. I keep giving myself the warning talk about how this month is very unlikely and I should expect my period as normal in the next 10 days or so. I am not even sure I ovulated, never got a 'true' positive on the OPKs. Plus the physical effort we usually put in was much diminished by my surgery.

I am feeling pessimistic again this month. I hate the highs and lows so much. I went and got my prescription for the clomid filled. My DR wants to see me back in 2 months. I feel like I am ready to give up again. I try to go on and pretend like I am living my life like normal, but my heart is always heavy. Even as I write this my eyes are welling up again. But what can I do but go on?

My thoughts and feelings change on an hourly basis. This week, very heavy hearted, more so than usual and I feel like this is it. I know I have said this before and none of us ever knows what the future truly holds for any of us. But after the surgery I feel as though, if it doesn't happen by fall, it's not going to. I know I have to quit setting these timelines for myself, but I feel like I can only deal with small increments of time. I can't see past October, nor do I want to, unless the future has a positive spin.

I keep going through the motions of living, but inside I want to scream, cry, rant, rave, beg, plead, be hysterical!! I keep saying all of the right things to my friends and family, but inside I am falling to pieces. I keep coming to work everyday, but inside all I think about is my longing and desire to have a little baby of my own. I keep pretending I am focused on other things, but inside I secretly plan the nursery or think about names. I keep acting like I am handling this sanely and rationally, but inside I feel like I am a complete basket case, who is obsessive and totally out of control.

I need to work on bringing the inside to be more like the facade. I feel like everyday I literally get up and put on a mask. Like, OK I need to put on my going to work mask where the TTC issue doesn't exist. Or OK I need to put on the family mask, where everyone knows we are trying, but nobody talks about it. Or the friends mask, where we talk about it like planning a wedding 2 years in advance, there is always the 'when I have a baby' talk. Or the Clark mask, where I let him see a little bit of my pain, but then turn it off quickly, so not to freak him out. I just need to find a By Myself mask, so I can put it on when nobody else is around.

I know deep down I will get through this, I know I have the inner strength. It just might not be pretty going through the process before I come out the other side. I thought I was dealing with this much better than I am. I thought it was getting easier, but I think I was just getting number. I must keep putting one foot in front of the other.

So all I can do is sum up the plan we have in place and hope something sticks. I once worked for a guy who used to say 'If you throw enough shit at the wall something has to stick'. He also used to say the that overcoming a problem or large task was 'like eating an elephant, one bite at a time.' Sometimes I feel like I've gotten half of this elephant down and don't know if I will be able to finish the rest.

But I digress, the plan... as we know it today:
*July 15-16 - expect period to arrive
*Take 100mg clomid days 3-7
*Hope this month works
*August cycle - expect period 14-15
*Take 150mg clomid days 3-7
*Hope this cycle works
*If no BFP by then see DR again in September

This is one bitter tasting elephant and I get sicker and sicker of it with every bite I take.