Friday, May 25, 2007

So, it's been a while...

I haven't had much to say. I just keep plugging through each day, each week, each month, each cycle. I have a fog of sadness that hangs over me. But I continue on trying to be the jovial person I have always been, the person who doesn't let much get her down, the person who constantly makes changes to maintain her happiness. The person I was before IF bit me in the butt.

Sure, I am a little more jaded, a little changed, a little sadder, a little less hopeful for the future. One thing I have really noticed in the past few months is the toll all of this is taking on Clark. He's sad and hopeful. He wants it so much, he doesn't talk about it a whole lot. But I get it each time he asks me how I am feeling or speculates that maybe my bad mood is a good sign.

I saw it in his eyes the other night. He was sitting at the computer reading his emails and he mentions that friends of his from university sent out a baby annoucement for their second baby. Both of us sat in silence for what seemed like a minute, just staring at each other, each not sure what to say that wouldn't upset the other. So I said, casually, gee I didn't even know she was pregnant (they live in a different city and we don't see much of them). He just looked away and said, yeah, me neither. But for a split second I saw the pain in his eyes and I felt the pain in my heart.

I feel guilty about that. I feel sad that we didn't have a different reaction. He's a little ticked that I won't take any drugs or herbs or check my OPTs right now. But as I said in my last post, I'm done. I am just so physically and mentally drained by it all. It all seems so in vain. I know next month I'll do my acupuncture and herbs etc. But right now I just don't want to focus on it.

I wish I could make things different for both of us but I don't know what else to do.


Sarah said...

sometimes you just need a break. a month off is a very healthy idea.

Anonymous said...

guys try to be strong but deep inside, the IF journey affects them just as much. After 2 yrs TTC, my husband started to feel the pain (and show it) only a few months ago. Every new announcement brings new pain to us both- to the point where we've basically cut out all our friends with babies. It's normal. We have to allow ourselves to feel everything we're fealing- good and bad.