Monday, April 24, 2006


I survived the weekend with the pregnant relative and the baby shower. I did pretty well. I curbed my jealousy and was able to participate whole-heartedly in most of the baby conversations.

You know how baby showers go. Everyone tells their birth story or the amazing thing that happened to their friend, when they delivered, or how much their babies weighed, etc.. I wanted to ask if anyone has delivered their hubby's sperm to the lab after harbouring it inside their sweater to keep it warm during the car ride there or been crazy hormonal after the third round of fertility drugs. But, of course, I didn't, I kept my mouth shut and let the guest of honour have her moment.

I only had two internal melt downs (which I kept pretty well contained and no one not even Clark noticed). One was when the said pregnant relative began to explain how she doesn't yet feel a real sense of connection with the unborn baby she is carrying nor likes the pregnancy sensation, (ie baby moving around inside of her). WTF!! I feel soooo connected to the child I haven't even conceived yet!! I so physically ache at times to be pregnant and eventually hold my baby, that I just can't understand it. I mean I realize I have never been PG and I know is extremely physically demanding, but to be able to orchestrate this miracle of life within you and at your whim, is truly amazing. The second was when we were given the nursery as our place to spend the night. But I did OK. I kept it together. Mostly.

What I have come to understand is maybe after this little journey of mine I will appreciate life's miracles to their fullest and my children more. Having had to wait and work for them. I have given so much thought to the relationship I want to have with my future kids. I love my job, but I want to make them my priority. I have worked hard to create them and I won't take a second of it for granted.

Nor, when I finally do get PG, will I curse it, I will embrace morning sickness and stretch marks and weight gain with all I am. I hope. Maybe someday I will look back on this post and realize how naive I am. But I want to get there. And all those symptoms are only short stops on the road to parenthood, right now I am in line at the toll booth, but once I pay the toll, I am going full speed ahead and will take what comes with eager anticipation. I just hope the line moves quickly...

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