Thursday, April 27, 2006


Karma, it something I do really believe in. Not the I would live or die by it, but I think that there is a certain balance in the universe that if you do the right thing, the right thing will be done to you. So that said. I ask - how bad is my Karma!!!

I am really struggling with not liking myself lately. I don't like feeling bitter and resentful and jealous. These are all horrible feelings and they make me feel like a horrible person. But I can't help it, that's how I feel. I realized more last night as I shared my tale with my SIL, that I feel more desperate this month. I know that this is my last month of Clomid and I want it to work so badly that I am petrified it won't. Then I will have to move on the other options. So my desperation is making me more envious of those around me that are achieving what I can't.

It's not that I don't love those people and wish the best for them, nor would I want them to struggle with what I am, but still I can't help feeling that I wish I was doing it too. I wish there was a way to make this baby longing stop. I don't like this desperate, out of control feeling. Maybe time really does heal all wounds.

I thought by forcing myself to deal head on with those around me who are pregnant or who have kids, it would be like putting rubbing alcohol on a cut and eventually it would stop stinging. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

So, I must try harder to dig into the depths of my soul and find what I need to move on. I never thought this would be my biggest challenge. I thought the easy part would be getting pregnant. Who knew...

Wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I had three wishes. I hate the word wish. Yearning, longing, desire, aspiration, maybe I should come up with some synonyms.

No comments: