Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Struggling to Function

That's how I feel this week. I can barely get through the day without a panic attack creeping up on me and forcing me to think all the things that I have tried to put out of my mind. I have tried so hard to get through these couple of weeks with a positive attitude and have been trying to force myself to put negative thoughts out of my head. But the closer the next ultrasound gets the more scared and stressed I get.

It's really all I can think about. I keep thinking am I having a baby or not? I am just gripped by the fear. And I can't help but try to prepare myself for the news being the worst. Or what if they won't tell me anything and I have to wait another week to get the results, they wouldn't do that would they? My mantra lately seems to be 'please let everything be ok' I must say that mentally and out loud at least 100 times a day.

I want to be positive and think the best, but deep down I think, how could they have not seen a heartbeat? Everyone, it seems hears the heartbeat at the first ultrasound and a lot of people even earlier than I had mine. That has got to be a bad sign. What other conclusion can I draw from this? I really have a hard time believing it was just too early (although I have spent many hours pondering this and trying to convince myself that is what it must have been). It just doesn't seem right. Physically, I still feel the same, I tell myself. I have had no cramping or spotting, I feel tired and a little queasy still, all normal right? But I know something must be wrong, or why didn't they pick up the heartbeat?

OK, now I am really rambling. I just needed to organize my thoughts. Everyone, around me seems convinced that all will turn out OK (including Clark) and God, I hope they are all right and I am just paranoid. But I just can't see how they can miss the heartbeat.

Right now I am just trying to get through one hour at a time. Praying for everything to be OK with this baby. Weighing the outcomes, I know if it is bad news everyone will say, well at least you know you can get pregnant now, or it wasn't meant to be, or it will happen again. I just hope I am strong enough to deal with it. Or better yet, I hope I don't have to deal with it and by some miracle, everything turns out OK.

These have been the hardest 2 weeks of my life. I know I have a lot of support from my family and friends. Not to mention my boss, my job has been unbearable, I can't focus or concentrate. And I appreciate all of them. I just still feel a little alone. I know if this ends badly they will all be there to help me pick up the pieces. I feel grateful for that.

I also feel grateful for getting to experience these 10 weeks of pregnancy that I have had. I had the best Christmas ever, filled with Joy and Hope for the future and talk of next Christmas with our baby.

It will all be over soon, one way or another. The outcome will be the one I am hoping for, I pray, I pray, I pray...


Kirsten said...

I'm so sorry you are having to struggle with this; I can only imagine how hard it must be. You've had to wait so long, I am just praying for good news. You are doing the right things though and, as difficult as it is, just remember that it's out of your hands. You are doing exactly as you should. Trust in your faith. I will be anxiously awaiting your update!!!

Inglewood said...

You are in my thoughts today Hope.

Kirsten said...

I'm nervously awaiting news from you...I hope & pray that all is well.