Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Soooooo Impatient...

OK, I admit it. I already tested today and yesterday morning, yes they were both BFN or this post would have an entirely different title. I couldn't help myself, I know it is way too early for anything to be conclusive, but I had to POAS, I just had to. I keep hoping I will get an early BFP and I can rejoice!!

I feel really optimistic this cycle. So far, everything has gone according to plan. I am actually contemplating taking the day my period is due off work. I think if I get it, I will need some pity party time. I know, I suck. But for some reason I feel like this month is IT. If we don't get pregnant now, last round of clomid and referral to the RE looming, life will really suck. We will have to endure a million tests, before they tell us we need to move on to more advanced ART. And then what, we do the IUIs spend lots of money and for what? How successful are these procedures, I've read a 15-30% chance of success with an IUI. Not great.

Plus, (I know others out there who have endured so much, but I haven't yet mourned the loss of conceiving on my own), I have romanticised the idea of conceiving on our own, with out spectrums and catheters and doctors present. Don't get me wrong, I will do or go through whatever it takes for me to get pregnant and deliver my own baby, but secretly I was hoping it wasn't going to be that difficult. I mean really!!!

Also secretly I think I am pregnant, maybe I just want to be so badly, that I imagined this feeling. But I feel different this month, not physically different, in fact I have no physical changes or symptoms at all. Just different emotionally. I am very short tempered and impatient right now, it could be the stress I am imposing on myself in hopes of my dreams coming true, but I don't know I just feel as though this must be it. I have counted the days in my cycle five times a day since day 15, (CD24 today), I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't even think about anything else except seeing those 2 lines on an HPT.

I know, I know, I need help. Are other infertiles like this? Does anyone else out there obsess constantly, I even daydream about what my baby's nursery will be like or think about names. I hate myself, when I want something I can't have, why is this so f*&%k&^g elusive for some of us and so goddamn easy for the rest. Yes, I know I sound bitter, I am sorry, but I am bitter.

I really have been praying this month, praying for an answer to my dreams and wishes and aspirations. I have bargained with god, I have begged and pleaded, I don't know what else to say, I have tried to figure out why I am not deserving of this. I have asked for patience and searched for the answer to what I am supposed to learn from the torment I feel each month. Not just when I get my period again, but the waiting, hoping, and trying leading up to that. It just keeps happening the same way each month over and over and over again. ARRRGGHHHH! Until I want to scream (and I have, several times this week).

Sorry this turned into a rant, but it pretty much sums up the frustration I feel this week. Part of me wants it to be over and be a BFP so badly and part of me never wants the hope to end.

I have to mention Jenny from the Infertility Block and wish her all the best, from one small town Ontario Girl to another. I pray for both of us. It sucks about her IVF cycle. I hope she hears our prayers and I feel, as she does, I will come out the other side of this a changed woman and I pray to GOD that it will be for the better. But so far I do not feel I have improved as a person, only that I am a little more broken with each passing month and continue to search for my purpose in life if it is not to be a mother.

I don't like a lot of the jealous feelings I often have lately, I know that it is irrational jealously and that other people's joy and happiness has no effect on my own. It is not as though there is a limited number of babies waiting to be conceived and each time some else gets pregnant it is one less chance for the rest of us. It just feels that way sometimes.

So I wait. Until Monday... Only then will the answer be written in the sand and dear god, please let it be the answer I am hoping for, I have never wanted, wished for or prayed for anything so hard in all my life. Let it be a BFP...

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