Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Tryingto wrap my head around it all...

Thanks so much for all the encouragement!! I really wish there was some other test or score or number or something before Oct 22. I can I be expected to go 3 weeks with no information? Do they have any idea who the hell they are dealing with here?

So I have thought a lot about things, ok truthfully, I have thought about nothing else for 3 days. I think 1800 is a very high beta, I couldn't help myself, Dr. Google is always in my face. So I checked and it seems fairly high for 18dpiui. Is that a bad sign? Now before you jump all over me, I am not looking for things to worry about. Because deep down I know that no matter the number, the u/s or what the Drs (Google or otherwise) say, nothing means nothing until I hold a baby in my arms (or at least until I see a heartbeat on a u/s)! So I am just paddling along waiting for the next confirmation that everything seems ok.

My optimism will raise with each milestone passed. Once I hit the second tri, I know I will feel better. But I have done so much dreaming this week. The crib, the bedding, the room, the stroller I want, the names, the possibility of twins (eek!), my time off work. It all seems so surreal and like certainly at any moment I will wake up and this will all be a dream.

Could this really be happening to me? I was driving to work yesterday morning thinking about all that I have and it was the happiest I have been in a really long time. I feel like I couldn't ask for more. Is this real, have I really been this blessed, are my dreams of being a mom, right there within my reach. Could it really be? Could it be?

Why does this all seem so hard to believe? Damn infertility! How I long to just see that little thump, thump of a tiny beating heart on that u/s. Will I go insane before then, will I believe it's real before then? Will it all turn out the way it does in my dreams? God, I hope so.

I keep trying to let it all sink in, I'm so very tired, all I want to do is sleep. I am so unfocused I can't think about anything else except this tiny life that is about to change mine in so many ways. I'm scared, but I'm happy and I'm hopeful.

I know this has been a ramble, so bless those of you that are still reading it, but I needed to dump all of these feelings. I just hate how I can go from content and dreamy about it one minute to worried, pessimistic and doubtful about it in the next moment. I'm so all over the place, it's crazy.

I keep telling myself the only way to achieve the outcome I want is to keep telling the universe what I want ans acting as though that's what is going to happen. I try to keep focused on those positive dreams, we had already begun preparations to clean out our back bedroom before I even went for the iui, Clark has started referring to it as the baby's room now, and it gives me a start every time I hear it! I have pretty much already decided on a lot of things, we had some furniture in there we are going to use as the baby's, so the first main things we'll need is a crib and bedding, so we can decorate around those things. Once I have the u/s I am going full swing into baby mode, I think that's the only way I can overcome my disbelief! The other lingering thought in the back of my mind, of course, is the possibility of multiples, of course, I am happy to take whatever babies come in whatever quantities, one would be ideal, two I can deal with and I don't even want to think beyond that point.

Ok, enough rambling for today. Please keep praying all is well with our little one!!


Fertilize Me said...

wishing you calm vibes while you continue to do more waiting. IF takes us on such a wild ride. Wishing you lots an lots of blessings

Kirsten said...

Well, at 14dp5dt, which would be the equivalent of 19dpiui, my beta was 829...so 1800 just *could* be a double blessing!!!! I just had to get that out because I am so excited about your beta!!! Now I am SO anxious for the 22nd!!! Woo hoo!!!

Chas said...

That is a great beta, and I am with Kirsten on this one...it could be more than one. I can't recall what mine was when I preggo w/ twins, but it was over 1000. You are going to do great this time...everything will be fine.

xavier2001 said...

congrats!! my money is also on a double blessing! my 14dp3dt (17dpo) beta was in the 400's and it was twins for me

Tracy said...

CONGRATS!!! I'm in the twin camp, too. Good luck with everything, but I'm sure it will be fine.