Thanks so much for all the encouragement!! I really wish there was some other test or score or number or something before Oct 22. I can I be expected to go 3 weeks with no information? Do they have any idea who the hell they are dealing with here?
So I have thought a lot about things, ok truthfully, I have thought about nothing else for 3 days. I think 1800 is a very high beta, I couldn't help myself, Dr. Google is always in my face. So I checked and it seems fairly high for 18dpiui. Is that a bad sign? Now before you jump all over me, I am not looking for things to worry about. Because deep down I know that no matter the number, the u/s or what the Drs (Google or otherwise) say, nothing means nothing until I hold a baby in my arms (or at least until I see a heartbeat on a u/s)! So I am just paddling along waiting for the next confirmation that everything seems ok.
My optimism will raise with each milestone passed. Once I hit the second tri, I know I will feel better. But I have done so much dreaming this week. The crib, the bedding, the room, the stroller I want, the names, the possibility of twins (eek!), my time off work. It all seems so surreal and like certainly at any moment I will wake up and this will all be a dream.
Could this really be happening to me? I was driving to work yesterday morning thinking about all that I have and it was the happiest I have been in a really long time. I feel like I couldn't ask for more. Is this real, have I really been this blessed, are my dreams of being a mom, right there within my reach. Could it really be? Could it be?
Why does this all seem so hard to believe? Damn infertility! How I long to just see that little thump, thump of a tiny beating heart on that u/s. Will I go insane before then, will I believe it's real before then? Will it all turn out the way it does in my dreams? God, I hope so.
I keep trying to let it all sink in, I'm so very tired, all I want to do is sleep. I am so unfocused I can't think about anything else except this tiny life that is about to change mine in so many ways. I'm scared, but I'm happy and I'm hopeful.
I know this has been a ramble, so bless those of you that are still reading it, but I needed to dump all of these feelings. I just hate how I can go from content and dreamy about it one minute to worried, pessimistic and doubtful about it in the next moment. I'm so all over the place, it's crazy.
I keep telling myself the only way to achieve the outcome I want is to keep telling the universe what I want ans acting as though that's what is going to happen. I try to keep focused on those positive dreams, we had already begun preparations to clean out our back bedroom before I even went for the iui, Clark has started referring to it as the baby's room now, and it gives me a start every time I hear it! I have pretty much already decided on a lot of things, we had some furniture in there we are going to use as the baby's, so the first main things we'll need is a crib and bedding, so we can decorate around those things. Once I have the u/s I am going full swing into baby mode, I think that's the only way I can overcome my disbelief! The other lingering thought in the back of my mind, of course, is the possibility of multiples, of course, I am happy to take whatever babies come in whatever quantities, one would be ideal, two I can deal with and I don't even want to think beyond that point.
Ok, enough rambling for today. Please keep praying all is well with our little one!!