Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Some Sense of Normalcy...

Well, things in life are reverting back to how things used to be. Minus most of the infertility stress. I pretty much know that unless a miracle happens, I can't get pregnant until at least after my next period, and then it took a year and a half the first time, so who's to say it won't again. My research indicates that most women do not ovulate until after a normal cycle following a d&c. That being said, Clark points out, when have I ever done anything the normal way@! So true!

But nonetheless, I'm not much thinking about trying to get pregnant. No OPKs, no monitoring, nothing. Just good old fashioned sex when we feel like it. It's nice. It feels like our relationship 2 years ago.

I have planned all kinds of non-pregnant things to do in the coming weeks. We are heading to Las Vegas for a wedding, can't wait, sooo excited about going. I planned a spa day for a weekend that Clark is away skiing and I am meeting a girlfriend who lives out of town for a girls weekend away at the end of March. I re-booked our annual cottage holiday for August (had previously cancelled, when I thought I would be due mid-August).

I have been keeping myself busy and resisting the urge to wallow. I read Inglewood's last post about still being bitter about her 5 miscarriages and it makes me think, wow, was I cocky and naive. I guess we really never do think it will happen to us, until it does. I never, ever thought I would be experience all of this IF and then miscarriage stuff.

But my life is good, I have wonderful people around me, and great things happening. I love my hubby, I have never felt so blessed to have him, as I have in the past few weeks. He's my rock. We have been closer than ever, since the miscarriage. I was worried it might put even more stress on our relationship than there was already.

So I guess the plan from here on in is to live life. And by that I mean live the life I have, not the one that I ache for. I surrender to the ways of the universe for now. I have had all of the fight taken out of me, the month of January was so emotionally stressful for me, I just can't imagine putting my body and my heart back there right now. I can't even think about any kind of infertility treatment right now, it's just too painful to think this could happen again, and again.

Sometimes, I feel the urge to ask why all of this is happening to me, or when I see people out in public with their children I think why do they deserve to be parents, but we don't. I know it's silly, but I can't help it. Most of all, I feel guilty. I feel like I know Clark is only going through this because of me, if he had married someone else, this wouldn't be happening to him, it's all me. That's a pretty shitty feeling. I feel bitter that I was living a deception for nearly 3 months, celebrating a non-viable pregnancy, experiencing all the symptoms and sharing my joy and happiness with others, but it was all a cruel joke, that was soon ripped out of me, like my heart itself. I know I'll go on, but only now can I understand how a little piece of you dies each time. Only now can I truly understand the depths of how devastating infertility is. Only now I have become afraid to pursue a dream. (Well so much for the not wallowing).

I keep the hope of a miracle alive. Maybe I'll just fall pregnant (I love how fertiles use this term, like it's as easy and hap-hazard as tripping up the stairs) on my own without any hoopla and fan fare and actually carry a baby to term. I feel like hoping for that, is like praying for immaculate conception. Why is such a fundamental biological occurrence, so intangible for some of us? So for now, I am doing all I can to heal spiritually, and figuratively put the pieces of my heart back together.

1 comment:

Kirsten said...

I'm glad you are doing better; I am sure it's nice to have the pressure off for awhile. It is SO hard to constantly question why some people are blessed with children when they shouldn't even have the responsibility of a Chia's just one of those things we will never understand. You're doing the right thing though; take time to focus on your marriage and enjoy life as much as possible. Take care and I'm praying that you're one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant on a "break"!!! Enjoy the spontaneity!!