Tired.. that's how Clark tells me he feels after the last few weeks. It was the first time, he ever shared emotion with me and I knew exactly what he was talking about and exactly how he felt at that given moment.
We had a lovely, quiet and intimate Valentine's Day. Clark go me a gift certificate to a local spa and some chocolate and of course a card. We went to a really nice restaurant for dinner with another couple. We had a wonderful meal and a few drinks. (I am big into the wine these days, maybe a little too much so, but I figure what do I have to not drink for.) It was really nice and we talked about my wanting to get another dog, I think I am finally wearing him down. By summer I may have won! But, I digress, we arrived home and "went to bed". Just for the fun of it, it was indeed, novel! Then we laid there talking and of course the conversation turned to the whole fertility issue and miscarriage.
It was the first time since the d&c that talking about it choked me up. When he said he felt tired, I knew what he meant, I feel like I have been to hell and back emotionally and physically in the last few months and during our conversation I realized a few important things about how I feel about the situation at this point.
1. I feel horrible about the miscarriage, but I feel worse about what the future holds, what if I don't get pregnant again.
2. I'm not ready to jump back into trying right now, for the first time in my life I know how those people feel that don't want to know if they are pregnant or not. I never thought I would feel this way, but I wouldn't want to know. I don't want to get my hopes all up again and then disaster strikes. I feel fragile in that area right now, I don't know if I could take another blow again so soon.
3. I know a big part of me as given up hope. Hope was something Clark and I talked about. What does it really mean, hope really means to wish for, anticipate, expect. I don't feel any of those things right now. We also talked about faith and having some. The big question is having faith in what. Clark says he has faith that good things will happen to us. I have faith that some day I will die, I don't know when or how or who I will leave behind, but that's about the only faith I can muster right now.
4. I never want to take another pregnancy test again. I know I will but, I have so many leading up to and following the d&c that I am sick to death of knowing what my beta levels are.
5. I want to stick my head back in the sand. I feel like a turned a light on in a room and saw so many things that I never wanted to see, but now I can't un-see them.
So many things I need to work through. I yo-yo back and forth between so many feelings, sometimes I don't know if I am coming or going. All I know is that right now I can not focus on my fertility problems, I need time.